If she doesn't like your cooking, cook less. Keep your own space clean. Try to be polite and understanding of her turf - because it is her turf. You're living in her house so she feels you should do things her way. Understand that and adjust accordingly.
That's true. Keep this in mind, ruby17. When you get your place, do whatever you want. No one will be there to interfere or provide their unnecessary assistance and suggestions.
Like someone said above most mother in laws probably complain that the Bahu doesn't do enough. Do you think it's possible mine doesn't want me to do anything which is why she is like this? It's her territory and she feels threatened? I can't figure it out.
Her suggestions are so weird! What difference does it make if you use a peeler or a knife! And why does she cook meat if its unhealthy! And whats her issue with the pressure cooker? Like WTF.
She is definitely trying to control you and probably wants to annoy you so much that you avoid cooking altogether! Warna peeler ya knife what difference does it make?
My suggestion: No need to cook when she is around and no need to help her either (because she is an expert right, let her help herself!). And tell your husband the peeler/pressure cooker/unhealthy meat story and tell him you cant work in the kitchen with her instructing you all the time. Cook when she isnt around or sleeping and then freeze it and then just microwave it when you want to eat it!
I'm at a point now where I think I'm just going to give up cooking until I have my own place. It's just like when I gave up tidying and cleaning because I realised she would make a mess as soon as it was done. You need to make some effort on a day to day basis to maintain cleanliness right? So that it doesn't look like a bomb went off and next time you clean it takes you hours and hours. Put your empty food packets and bottles in the bin, throw away useless junk mail, put things back in cupboards after you have used them etc. Going into the kitchen makes me feel sick. The whole family has recognised the problem because it's so bad and begged her to get a maid but she won't.
My friend's inlaws are like that too. They dont even bother throwing wrappers in the dustbin.
Her MIL works. My friend and her bhabi cook, and they are told what to cook, and they cant even make large batches of food to use it the next day. Gets very tiring. The bhabhi often gets into arguments with the MIL on these and some other issues. Result? None of the inlaws like her.
But my friend never argues. Does what she is told. Result? Her husband loves her even more now, and is very supportive of her. They might even move out in a few years.
Sabr ka phal meetha!
When we were in Pakistan on holidays and staying with my in laws...I was greatly discouraged from entering the kitchen, as my FIL thought I should just enjoy our holidays and relax. However, I know my husband loves the way I make tea as opposed to how their cook and even my MIL make it. So when my husband wanted tea, I would go in the kitchen and make it. MIL would often come and try to get me to make it according to HER way (which basically consists of putting the chai, water and milk in all at once whereas I first boil the water then add everything slowly to get a nice chai colour). So what would I do? Nod, smile, tell her I could make the tea and she should go sit down and then proceed to make it MY way. And then hubby would also notice when I made his chai and when someone else did because of the taste difference and he would comment on mine being better. So what I am basically saying OP is that you have 2 options:
1) Do what I did- pretend to take into consideration what she says but proceed to do things how you want to but if this doesn't work (I.e: if she continues to hang around the kitchen while you are cooking), then-
2) As others have suggested, either cook when she is not around or just start cooking the way she prefers. If hubby then notices a difference in your cooking and inquires as to why this is, simply tell him that this is how his mother wants you to cook it. If he truly prefers your style over hers, I am sure he will raise it with her but I do advise against going to your husband specifically and complaining about this issue/his mother.
You might disagree but there's plenty of families like this. And its not just cooking. Its a control issue. The MIL doesn't want to give any control over anything to the DIL because she sees the house as hers and what she says goes. Its not about turning the system upside down. What is it haram to make one dish in your own style? Is the DIL supposed to Completely accept her in laws way of life? Their tastes and how they do things? Is she not allowed to bring something of her own into the house? Is she supposed to feel like a guest in her husbands home? And you can't compare living with parents to life after marriage. After marriage you should be able to at least make food how you like. What about when the DIL has kids? Is she not allowed to make food the way she wants for her children or does everything have to be done now in the MILs style? Is the DIL supposed to live the rest of her life compromising everything for her in laws?
i never said that DIL should not make food of her choice or she should compromise on each and every thing. where I have the problem is ,when girls just talk about moving out on petty issues without trying to understand the situation or trying to work it around.
Also, in the case of OP she never said that her MIL literally stops her from making food her way,she complained that she pours in her suggestions while she is cooking.
i am only against this mindset where girls are alright and never think about moving out if their own parents put restrictions on them, but do so when in-laws come in picture.
You can never underestimate the power of "Jee acha".
What i have learned is mils are perfectionist especially when it comes to cooking cuz they have been doing it for years. They assume new dil needs some guidance cuz mostly newly wed girls don't know anything beyind boiling egg. I know not eberyone is like that. Also since its in laws house rhey want rhings their way.
I cook my way in my house and mil gives suggestions here n there followed by my jee acha or quietness.
I cook her way in her house. So yah if u r under her roof she will tell u. Jee acha is best approach.
i never said that DIL should not make food of her choice or she should compromise on each and every thing. where I have the problem is ,when girls just talk about moving out on petty issues without trying to understand the situation or trying to work it around.
Also, in the case of OP she never said that her MIL literally stops her from making food her way,she complained that she pours in her suggestions while she is cooking.
i am only against this mindset where girls are alright and never think about moving out if their own parents put restrictions on them, but do so when in-laws come in picture.
Are you married? If so, do you live with your MIL? If you answered no, you are not qualified enough to judge anyone who lives through this everyday. Putting up with this for a few days, maybe even years might be ok but if you have to deal with this nonsense everyday of your life for a very very long time, suddenly, it's not a petty issue anymore. It becomes a very stressful situation because you have no idea when you will ever get to do stuff your way in your own home without someone CORRECTING what you do. Someone constantly watching you, making you feel so uncomfortable that you have to hide in your bedroom, try doing this everyday! There comes a time in everyone's life when they NEED to live their life on their own terms. That time is usually when you have grown up, have a job, can feed yourself and your kids. Yet, parents or PILs still insist on correcting everything you do. There is no need for it. There is always more than one way of doing everything. Just because someone has experience doesn't mean they have been doing it right the whole time. It's wrong for parents and it's wrong for PILs to FIX what their grown up children do. Parents need to let their kids LIVE and LEARN through their mistakes. They don't need to keep raising you after you are married.
i never said that DIL should not make food of her choice or she should compromise on each and every thing. where I have the problem is ,when girls just talk about moving out on petty issues without trying to understand the situation or trying to work it around.
Also, in the case of OP she never said that her MIL literally stops her from making food her way,she complained that she pours in her suggestions while she is cooking.
i am only against this mindset where girls are alright and never think about moving out if their own parents put restrictions on them, but do so when in-laws come in picture.
Can I ask why its so terrible to live apart? Like is there a Hadees or something in our religion that tells us we have to all crowd under the same roof?
Moving out of the house is a natural progression of life...you grow up, get married, buy a home and learn to shoulder your own responsibilities. That's life.
I am going to start decreasing portions though. It's always my husband that insists on making a lot.
Yes start decreasing the portions. No need to discuss what the amount of the dish being made with your husband. It's not like he's going to walk in the kitchen and check. Decrease the portions so it's not wasted.
I'm at a point now where I think I'm just going to give up cooking until I have my own place.
This actually seems to be the best solution. Since you already know that you and your husband will move out eventually, just keep the drama to minimum right now by giving up cooking. Once you/hubby get your own place, you can cook as much as you want. :)
have also seen girls whose mothers won't allow them to sleep in till late in the morning or won't allow them to wear such and such types of clothes and then when they are married and if there in-laws also stops them from wearing particular kind of clothes or tell them not to sleep in till late, then these girls create a huge fuss over it. All they want is to move out for such trivial issues, do they attempt to move out their parent's house as well when they put such restrictions on them?
i am only against this mindset where girls are alright and never think about moving out if their own parents put restrictions on them, but do so when in-laws come in picture.
1) There is a BIG difference between dealing with your parents and dealing with in-laws. If a girl says/does something to upset her parents, then the situation is only between them. If a girl upsets her in-laws, it can disrupt her relationship with her husband.
2) There is also a BIG difference living in your parents home as their daughter....most girl do this when they're minors or up until early to mid 20's....relatively young. But once married, when a WOMAN becomes someone's wife.....when she already has given birth and is a mother herself....it's beyond ridiculous for ANYONE to tell her how to cook, clean, what clothes to wear, what time to get home etc. Especially things like clothing, when she goes out etc. needs to be discussed only among husband/wife. When a guy's parents decide that a WOMAN is old/mature enough to be their son's bahu and start having sexual relations with the potential of becoming a mother.....they need to realize that they're not raising a daughter. At the end of the day, the grown woman who they chose to move into their home is their bahu/mother of their future grandchildren. Not a girl who needs to be raised by them and be told how to conduct herself on a day-to-day basis.
P.S. The double standard also exists among guys. Many desi men will put up with a lot of things from their own mother/father.....but will get pissed off if their wife's parents do the same thing. Living with in-laws itself is a perfect example. Men have no problem moving into their own elderly parents home to take care of them. But ask them to move into the wife's elderly parents home so her parents aren't alone and see how many are happy to oblige.
What do you mean he does not know how to handle you..... isn't he smart enough to figure out your being irritated.... maybe he knows and he is just being diplomatic to harmonize the relationships.... That's usually the case
i lived with in.laws for 2 months after my wedding and now they live with us since 2 months. they are here till august.
my mil is extremely messy.she cleans but not as good as me. when she washes the dishes she just runs water and doesnt use fairy. she doesnt let me do work but i hate it when she does it because its all dirty. she is a good soul. very kind and humble.
now my fil..he is the kithen king. and no he isnt that amazing chef but he is just bossy and want his way of cooking. i make salan...he comes add half a cup of oil to it. and explains that how salan are made. i fry chicken first in ginger garlic..he comes and remove it and add tomato cut in halves only. he will add his salan masala...too much salt...basically all things that i wont ever think of doing with a salan. now in ifaris...he add cup of water to me chat...add water to my chutney...add half a cup of sugar to my milkshakes...when i beleive in natural smoothies.
try living with that. it used to bother me in the beginning but itdont anymore. i just nod and say ji ji. at the end of th day if they are happy eating that way then why make a fuss.
and my husband like it when i cook. but obviously he has eaten his parents food since ever so its not.like he will suddenly refuse to eat their way of food and request mine only.
i guess you should just listen to your mil. life is not a competition
i cook my way when alone or at my mums.
i lived with in.laws for 2 months after my wedding and now they live with us since 2 months. they are here till august.
my mil is extremely messy.she cleans but not as good as me. when she washes the dishes she just runs water and doesnt use fairy. she doesnt let me do work but i hate it when she does it because its all dirty. she is a good soul. very kind and humble.
now my fil..he is the kithen king. and no he isnt that amazing chef but he is just bossy and want his way of cooking. i make salan...he comes add half a cup of oil to it. and explains that how salan are made. i fry chicken first in ginger garlic..he comes and remove it and add tomato cut in halves only. he will add his salan masala...too much salt...basically all things that i wont ever think of doing with a salan. now in ifaris...he add cup of water to me chat...add water to my chutney...add half a cup of sugar to my milkshakes...when i beleive in natural smoothies.
try living with that. it used to bother me in the beginning but itdont anymore. i just nod and say ji ji. at the end of th day if they are happy eating that way then why make a fuss.
and my husband like it when i cook. but obviously he has eaten his parents food since ever so its not.like he will suddenly refuse to eat their way of food and request mine only.
i guess you should just listen to your mil. life is not a competition
i cook my way when alone or at my mums.
The thing is that your in laws are at your place for a short while. So at the back of your mind you know you dont have to tolerate their interference for too long. Thats not the case with OP.
in my case...i am only alone for a year and after a year i will permanently live with them in pakistan. so no its not a temporaly situation.it is just the mindset that consider interference in the kitchen while cooking not as a big deal. maybe each person is different but the op life in the kitchen does not seem miserable to me. i see a slight issue of ego as her food is not eaten. trust the amount of time i made western dishes and it was left as my in laws do not like it. you cant force adults to eat your way. and you have to go by the majority
oh…ok. But like you said, everyone is different. So maybe something that doesnt bother you bothers her a lot.
Personally Il be very happy if I get a saas who will cook for me
Yeah, that would be pretty sweet, lol. But then just as how you feel kind of guilty when you see your mom doing a household chore on her own…it’d feel awkward to let mil cook without pitching in. It’s funny the things we’re ingrained with.
Its just so difficult to live in such situations, if I were you ladies, I would have gone by now & got my own place to live, if husband wants to come he can otherwise he can stay & eat mom’s food his entire life. I can’t tolerate so much interference. I don’t like joint family system either. Why don’t they just let the couple start their new life with a new house on their own? Letting them just live the way they want to, in privacy, running things their own way. What’s with desi families bossing their kids their entire life?
I’m convinced my MIL would add extra mirchein to the food, bc I have a pretty decent tolerance level of spicy (ok more like medium/high) but oh god I’d cry after eating. And cry again as well. Even my mom’s food, there are a few things I LOVE and if I eat anything else, it’s bc I want the home cooked food. I guess I"ve gotten less picky as I’ve gotten older.
Snarkiness aside (but It is amusing how everyone thinks they’re better than their MIL at cooking and cleaning ), I’ve always been pro-living separately. I honestly don’t know how I could handle being told how to peel an onion. I’ve stayed w in laws for weeks/months at a time, learned early on to not even bother cooking (my husband asked me to make a dish for a davat that I’m known to make well–he even said it was great–not a single person in my in laws touched it … smh ) if my MIL was around. We live with my parents now and after a few months, my mom and I learned to stay out of each others way in the kitchen and give space. It also helps that I work full time, so I dont’ even need to use it very often.
Being patient until you move out is my only advice really. I can't imagine living with in laws. My in laws are really nice and all, but there are always some little differences and I could never be completely comfortable around them. I would miss home too much.
I actually have the complete opposite issue. My MIL doesn't cook at all. I always make nice meals from breakfast to dinner whenever they come stay with us. And my mom loves cooking multiple courses for my husband and I when we go visit my family. But whenever I visit my in laws, there's no food -zilch. They'll eat those store bought appetizer puff pastries stuffed with qeema and that'll be their dinner. At first, I would be waiting around for the second course like a moti and then I'd realize that was it.
But now I know that she hates cooking and that's just who she is. She's not starving me because she hates me or anything, it's just the way it is in her house.
Likewise, your MIL is bossy and controlling in the kitchen and that's just what her personality is. You can't change her. But you can avoid her in that situation. So you either need to not cook, or you need to move out.
Move out before you lose your mind one day and mess up the relationship even more than by "stealing" her son.
PS My MIL proudly served me the seekh kababs from the valima when we went to visit them on vacation FOUR MONTHS AFTER THE VALIMA. It was hilarious. I'd be very happy if she tried to be the queen of her kitchen :D
), I’ve always been pro-living separately. I honestly don’t know how I could handle being told how to peel an onion. I’ve stayed w in laws for weeks/months at a time, learned early on to not even bother cooking (my husband asked me to make a dish for a davat that I’m known to make well–he even said it was great–not a single person in my in laws touched it … smh ) if my MIL was around. We live with my parents now and after a few months, my mom and I learned to stay out of each others way in the kitchen and give space. It also helps that I work full time, so I dont’ even need to use it very often.