People are misunderstanding. It's not that she won't let me cook or that we need some rota system.
It is when I cook she interferes and tells me to do things her way and
She doesn't eat my food instead opting to cook something herself which is unecessary because I cook plenty and then mine just gets thrown away because they don't eat their share
Ruby....is Mil's cooking decent overall? Can you manage to eat it comfortably? If so....then there's no need to insist on a daily basis that you're gonna cook the salan in your own way. For example, if she makes a decent daal....then just cook it in her way. It'll be less work for you and it won't go to waste because everyone will eat it. And on those days you can supplement the meal by making a kick-a$$ salad or raita or some sweet-dish ...or maybe a snack or something lol.
A couple times a week you can make a salan in your own way...but just make a small amount so it won't go to waste. And on those days...offer to make mil a second dish as per her method....so that everyone's needs are met. Now...if your mil does not get mad at you and happily makes a second salan for herself....then you're lucky and it's less work for you. You can't force her to eat what you cook....and she has to eat something....so it's better to just opt for a solution which meets needs of majority of the people.
Also...when she interferes and tells you how to cook...what changes is she asking you to make? If it's minor things like increasing/decreasing the mirchain or namak or some other spice....then that doesn't really alter your cooking too much. The more important thing is not whose zaiqa reigns supreme in the kitchen...but that you are pitching in as a member of that household. Even if you cook according to her way 5 out of 7 days...it's still sawab ka kaam and a gesture of love and care. It doesn't make you "less" in any way.
You said that you want to contribute to your marriage....but ask yourself if it's only that you want to contribute or do you seek individual recognition/influence? Is this more about helping in general or is it a culinary battle of egos?
Do you absolutely hate her food or is it ok? If its fine, then why dont you just let her cook and enjoy? A lot of bahus complain that their inlawas make them work so much. Arent you sort of lucky? Maybe if you avoid cooking altogether and sit like a kaamchor all day it will piss her off and she will order you to cook:faizy:.
People are misunderstanding. It's not that she won't let me cook or that we need some rota system.
It is when I cook she interferes and tells me to do things her way
Well if she insists on doing things HER way and not letting YOU control the cooking....then yes, you do need a system. You should have your husband distract her while you're cooking. Your husband should tell her that HE wants her to spend time with him (watch TV, talk whatever) while you cook a dish for dinner. Your husband also needs to tell her that he loves both her AND your recipes, and he would like to eat something she cooks but also have something you cook your way.
She doesn't eat my food instead opting to cook something herself which is unecessary because I cook plenty and then mine just gets thrown away because they don't eat their share
If she doesn't eat your food so what? As an adult she has every right to not eat something she doesn't like. Since you know she's not going to eat what you cook, stop cooking "plenty". Cook enough for the number of people that's actually going to eat it so it doesn't go to waste.
And why does extra get thrown away? You and your husband never eat left-overs the next day?
^Op's husband can't distract his mom all the time. He likes OP's cooking so there's no issue of him not eating what she makes. Op just doesn't want mil to interfere in her cooking and I think that maybe she feels hurt when her in-laws reject what she makes and that's understandable; I'd feel hurt too. If she's seeking acceptance/validation from them...and they're not giving it...then you have to stop hoping for their approval.
i am amazed how some people have suggested OP to move out just because the cooking methods of her and mil are different?
OP, you should continue making your type of food couple of days a week( don’t mind her giving you suggestions, understand that some people are in habit og giving suggestions even when it is not required.) and rest of the days you can either lend a helping hand to your MIL while she is making food or make the food for the whole family her way.
the thing that your in-laws don’t eat the food you make your way shows that the type of food you like and they like are quite different and hence there are under no compulsion to eat what they don’t like. it is not that she is not letting you cook food for yourself or forcing you to eat what she cooks, so i assume the situation is not as bad.
Sometimes its not that easy. Especially if you marry an only son. And they tell you before marriage that they want to stay together. So you agree cause at least you'll be able to do some stuff your way, in laws say that they will let you live your life as you wish. Of course that doesn't happen. After marriage you realise that you're never going to be able to do things your way at all and really why should you? Its not even your house. Its your in laws house. And you'll never get your own house ever anyways. So either cry about it or get on with it.
i disagree. have seen so many joint families where every one has the freedom to do stuff their own way. Also, i don't understand few girls who just want to turn the whole system of in-laws upside down. why is there such a strong need to do each and every thing your own way? do you get to do thing your own way at your parents home? have also seen girls whose mothers won't allow them to sleep in till late in the morning or won't allow them to wear such and such types of clothes and then when they are married and if there in-laws also stops them from wearing particular kind of clothes or tell them not to sleep in till late, then these girls create a huge fuss over it. All they want is to move out for such trivial issues, do they attempt to move out their parent's house as well when they put such restrictions on them?
If she isn't stopping u from cooking, but just offers suggestions then honestly... in one ear and out the other. Be polite and listen but do ur own thing. When it's MILs turn to cook dinner, always be in the kitchen and do the chopping/mixing etc etc for all the salans. That way she cooks her style, and u won't feel like ur skimping out on helping with housework.
If it really is that bad... then ask ur husband to deal with it by telling his mom that he wants u to cook tonight or whatever.
I've actually tried to do things her way too like making a vegetable salsn last week (because when I make meat dishes they always say meat isn't good for our health- even though she cooks it herself- go figure) with hardly any spice or salt. They still didn't eat that.
Her cooking is ok. It's not terrible but she's never been known for her cooking and I have heard one or two people complain about it. Also often seen men sprinkle salt and chilli sauce on her food.
Now that I think about it the suggestions are more annoying things like peal the potatoes with a knife not a pealer? I mean why?I've always used a pealer and find it easier. Cut the cucumbers this way not that way in the salad. Or when I'm making bhindi keema I fry bhindi and take it out on a plate whereas she wants me to make it all together in one pan because her ami taught her like that. Or when making paratha, make two rotis to put on top of each other rather than the folding method I use and find easier. Don't use pressure cooker to make ghosht or daal. It feels more like a control issue than that it's about taste. Honestly I don't have an ego problem with this in the sense that I need recognition or see it as competition. I just feel like cooking sometimes and I don't like being made to feel like I'm a child when I'm a grown up married woman. I generally know what I'm doing and if I am unsure I will ask but I don't need to be told basic things like how to peal a potato. I don't know if she does this because she feels threatened because she has always cooked for her family?
I am going to start decreasing portions though. It's always my husband that insists on making a lot.
I've actually tried to do things her way too like making a vegetable salsn last week (because when I make meat dishes they always say meat isn't good for our health- even though she cooks it herself- go figure) with hardly any spice or salt. They still didn't eat that.
Her cooking is ok. It's not terrible but she's never been known for her cooking and I have heard one or two people complain about it. Also often seen men sprinkle salt and chilli sauce on her food.
Now that I think about it the suggestions are more annoying things like peal the potatoes with a knife not a pealer? I mean why?I've always used a pealer and find it easier. Cut the cucumbers this way not that way in the salad. Or when I'm making bhindi keema I fry bhindi and take it out on a plate whereas she wants me to make it all together in one pan because her ami taught her like that. Or when making paratha, make two rotis to put on top of each other rather than the folding method I use and find easier. Don't use pressure cooker to make ghosht or daal. It feels more like a control issue than that it's about taste. Honestly I don't have an ego problem with this in the sense that I need recognition or see it as competition. I just feel like cooking sometimes and I don't like being made to feel like I'm a child when I'm a grown up married woman. I generally know what I'm doing and if I am unsure I will ask but I don't need to be told basic things like how to peal a potato. I don't know if she does this because she feels threatened because she has always cooked for her family?
I am going to start decreasing portions though. It's always my husband that insists on making a lot.
I can't really do in one ear out of the other because she's a very pushy person.
Like when I said I'm not comfortable using a knife to peel she started giving me a lesson. "Yeh Dekho aise karte hain." I looked and said "Acha theek hai I see" and carried on and she was like "aap dekho main kaise kar rahi hoon! " So I watched more and then she insisted I do it with a knife
Wow…um…that’s a bit much. What difference does it make when a knife and peeler will both do the same work?
You have to do the “in one ear and out the other” cuz if you let her words in your heart, you’ll feel frustrated. I wish there was a way for your husband to be present at the time when you’re using the peeler and for him to politely intervene and say “koi baat nahi ammi…let her use the peeler. It does the same job as a knife but faster.” The only thing I fear is that seeing him defend you may sour her toward you and husband.
Could you nicely tell her that “Ammi I will follow everything else in this recipe the way you want, so at least let me use the peeler instead of the knife. It won’t affect the taste of the and it’ll get the job done faster.” Or…“Ammi you can peel some of the potatoes with a knife and I’ll do the others with a peeler. And we can get done faster. :p” Or use the knife but peel sloooowwwwwwwllllllyyyyyyy like a fool so that she gives up and lets you have the peeler. :halo:
Like someone said above most mother in laws probably complain that the Bahu doesn't do enough. Do you think it's possible mine doesn't want me to do anything which is why she is like this? It's her territory and she feels threatened? I can't figure it out.
I have heard that some women believe that the one who has control over the cooking has the upper hand over the home. My aunt would have her dil do other chores but not the cooking. I don't know how true or common this notion is. Maybe your mil is just very very particular about how she likes to do things.
How is your relationship with mil outside of the kitchen? Do you both keep each other at a polite distance? If you suspect that she feels threatened by you, then I think that the insecurity can be reduced by bonding with her. Be loving/affectionate with her in various ways ..even if you may have to step out of your comfort zone...but over time it'll soften her towards you and bring some laxity in the relationship.
Like someone said above most mother in laws probably complain that the Bahu doesn't do enough. Do you think it's possible mine doesn't want me to do anything which is why she is like this? It's her territory and she feels threatened? I can't figure it out.
Listen, see those examples you listed? The knife not peeler? Cutting cucumber one way not the other? My MIL is EXACTLY the same. And honestly I think it IS a control issue. The best thing to do is just do it her way. Do not argue, don't make a fuss, just do it the way she wants. You are eventually going to move out and then you'll be able to do what you want. If you've already tried saying you'll do it your way in a nice manner and she still hasn't accepted it then believe me she never will.
It is not worth the frustration or hassle. Trust me on this.
i disagree. have seen so many joint families where every one has the freedom to do stuff their own way. Also, i don't understand few girls who just want to turn the whole system of in-laws upside down. why is there such a strong need to do each and every thing your own way? do you get to do thing your own way at your parents home? have also seen girls whose mothers won't allow them to sleep in till late in the morning or won't allow them to wear such and such types of clothes and then when they are married and if there in-laws also stops them from wearing particular kind of clothes or tell them not to sleep in till late, then these girls create a huge fuss over it. All they want is to move out for such trivial issues, do they attempt to move out their parent's house as well when they put such restrictions on them?
You might disagree but there's plenty of families like this. And its not just cooking. Its a control issue. The MIL doesn't want to give any control over anything to the DIL because she sees the house as hers and what she says goes. Its not about turning the system upside down. What is it haram to make one dish in your own style? Is the DIL supposed to Completely accept her in laws way of life? Their tastes and how they do things? Is she not allowed to bring something of her own into the house? Is she supposed to feel like a guest in her husbands home? And you can't compare living with parents to life after marriage. After marriage you should be able to at least make food how you like. What about when the DIL has kids? Is she not allowed to make food the way she wants for her children or does everything have to be done now in the MILs style? Is the DIL supposed to live the rest of her life compromising everything for her in laws?
You might disagree but there's plenty of families like this. And its not just cooking. Its a control issue. The MIL doesn't want to give any control over anything to the DIL because she sees the house as hers and what she says goes. Its not about turning the system upside down. What is it haram to make one dish in your own style? Is the DIL supposed to Completely accept her in laws way of life? Their tastes and how they do things? Is she not allowed to bring something of her own into the house? Is she supposed to feel like a guest in her husbands home? And you can't compare living with parents to life after marriage. After marriage you should be able to at least make food how you like. What about when the DIL has kids? Is she not allowed to make food the way she wants for her children or does everything have to be done now in the MILs style? Is the DIL supposed to live the rest of her life compromising everything for her in laws?
Exactly this. I tried to do some adjustments like reducing spice and salt and then not cooking meat without veg when they complained about these things and I didn't have an issue with doing that. But beyond that I feel like things telling me how to slice and peel and refusing to eat when the food is made the way hers is is unecessary and there is some deeper control issue.
I'm at a point now where I think I'm just going to give up cooking until I have my own place. It's just like when I gave up tidying and cleaning because I realised she would make a mess as soon as it was done. You need to make some effort on a day to day basis to maintain cleanliness right? So that it doesn't look like a bomb went off and next time you clean it takes you hours and hours. Put your empty food packets and bottles in the bin, throw away useless junk mail, put things back in cupboards after you have used them etc. Going into the kitchen makes me feel sick. The whole family has recognised the problem because it's so bad and begged her to get a maid but she won't.
Like someone said above most mother in laws probably complain that the Bahu doesn't do enough. Do you think it's possible mine doesn't want me to do anything which is why she is like this? It's her territory and she feels threatened? I can't figure it out.
I think you're working yourself up over this now.
Relax and learn to take things in stride.
If she doesn't like your cooking, cook less. Keep your own space clean. Try to be polite and understanding of her turf - because it is her turf. You're living in her house so she feels you should do things her way. Understand that and adjust accordingly.
