Are you married? If so, do you live with your MIL? If you answered no, you are not qualified enough to judge anyone who lives through this everyday. Putting up with this for a few days, maybe even years might be ok but if you have to deal with this nonsense everyday of your life for a very very long time, suddenly, it's not a petty issue anymore. It becomes a very stressful situation because you have no idea when you will ever get to do stuff your way in your own home without someone CORRECTING what you do. Someone constantly watching you, making you feel so uncomfortable that you have to hide in your bedroom, try doing this everyday! There comes a time in everyone's life when they NEED to live their life on their own terms. That time is usually when you have grown up, have a job, can feed yourself and your kids. Yet, parents or PILs still insist on correcting everything you do. There is no need for it. There is always more than one way of doing everything. Just because someone has experience doesn't mean they have been doing it right the whole time. It's wrong for parents and it's wrong for PILs to FIX what their grown up children do. Parents need to let their kids LIVE and LEARN through their mistakes. They don't need to keep raising you after you are married.
no i am not married, and all the scenarios you have mentioned in your post has nothing to do with the issue OP has raised, and my opinion that i gave was based on situations like OP's(which was only one issue of different styles of cooking). and i would still count that as petty issue.
i also disagree that parents have no right to try to correct their children once they are grown up or are married. but i won't debate over this with you since you have a different opinion.
Can I ask why its so terrible to live apart? Like is there a Hadees or something in our religion that tells us we have to all crowd under the same roof?
Moving out of the house is a natural progression of life...you grow up, get married, buy a home and learn to shoulder your own responsibilities. That's life.
Lol, i didn't mean its terrible to live apart. in my own family 90% of the people live in neutral families, not in joint families. All the problem i have is that if you want to do each and every thing in your life your way, then why you don't make any issue of it at your own parent's house. why don't you move out of your parent's house?
also, i am a strong supporter of the fact that if you want to live without in-laws then you should be upfront about it at the time of rishta. you should clearly state that you would not want to live with in-laws and then let the other party decide if they want to go ahead or not. But what most of the girls and their families do, is they never state such thing at that time, in fact make it appear like their girl is "Mil jul ker rehne wali larki", and then just within months of wedding the girl starts to demand a separate home. That's the mindset that i disapprove of.
@ gudiaali;Many girls may genuinely be happy to live with in laws but after moving in and experiencing constant interference may be put off. This does not mean that they acted all fake in the first place its just means they may have intended to live together but after marriage found that its just not working. Things change and people are entitled to change thier mind. Marriage is about the union, its not about living with in laws or living alone and its the marriage that should take priority. Nowhere in Islam is it obligated or even encouraged to live together so on what basis would disapprove of the couple wanting to move out? If they said they would live with the parents before marriage and then its not working out why make it difficult for everyone and stay together.If living with in laws is affecting the individual to the point they are not happy in thier daily life then obviously that resentment will come out somewhere and why should the couple suffer since obviously thats the whole reason they are together in the first place. Also just want to make the distincition that living alone does not garuntee an interference free life. Unfortunately this comes down to the nature of your in laws too. you can live alone and still be subject to constant interference and in some cases its worse than just living together!!
Totally agree, my mum still interferes when I cook, I'm a mother of 3 !! She does not like anyone else's cooking except her own, she is a great cook and spends hours bhunifying her salans. But when I cook infront of her she constantly tells me what to do, so I actually don't cook very much, only when she's not there to cook.
I actually just said to her yesterday that she is not always right n there r other ways to do things and if she had lived with her MIL then there would have been a lot of arguments as my mum thinks she is always right and her way is correct. She says that she is only trying to help me improve my cooking, there's no harm in her correcting my method, I just ignore n get on with it.
I can say what I want to my mum but you can't say anything to MIL, just leave her be n cook for yourself n hubby when she's not around. I really do hate interference from anyone while cooking, my aunt who can't cook, always interferes n it does my head in but everyone has their own way of doing things.
Lol, i didn't mean its terrible to live apart. in my own family 90% of the people live in neutral families, not in joint families. All the problem i have is that if you want to do each and every thing in your life your way, then why you don't make any issue of it at your own parent's house. why don't you move out of your parent's house?
also, i am a strong supporter of the fact that if you want to live without in-laws then you should be upfront about it at the time of rishta. you should clearly state that you would not want to live with in-laws and then let the other party decide if they want to go ahead or not. But what most of the girls and their families do, is they never state such thing at that time, in fact make it appear like their girl is "Mil jul ker rehne wali larki", and then just within months of wedding the girl starts to demand a separate home. That's the mindset that i disapprove of.
Yeah, things change. Such is life and you'll just have to roll with the punches. :)
When you're unmarried, you might think of having 5 kids and then after having one you might decide 2 is enough. When you are getting married, you just see these nice people who were bestowed with so much jahaiz - because our society makes a woman believe that jahaiz will give her izzat - and then after marriage its all gone. WHY? Because meeting someone during rishta proceedings and giving their mom a nice gold set and LIVING with someone are two completely different things. The rishta meetings are not indicative of what life will be like post marriage - AT ALL.
And as for moving out of your parents' home...there is a difference and will always be a difference between in laws and parents. The difference is your parents gave birth to you, raised you, fed you, clothed you, worked hard to shape you, stayed up night and day to care for you, educated you, supported you, financed your entire life with their hard earned money - your in-laws did not. Your parents have rights over you no one else does - not even your in-laws so let's not even begin to compare the two. They are NOT on the same level. Your in-laws deserve respect, honor and love from you but your obedience belongs to your OWN parents. If you think your mother who carried you in her belly for 9 months is the same as a woman who is now related to you by marriage...then you have a bigger problem on your hands. Your mother's and father's rights are well defined in Islam. I don't see any saasu-maa rights for a bahu anywhere...and if there are...I want to see them.
Again, I do not mean that you should be badtameez with your husband's parents. They raised and gave birth to the man you married and deserve utmost respect...but they need to come first for HIM. He nor they should be shoving themselves down someone's throat they didn't raise or create.
no i am not married, and all the scenarios you have mentioned in your post has nothing to do with the issue OP has raised, and my opinion that i gave was based on situations like OP's(which was only one issue of different styles of cooking). and i would still count that as petty issue.
i also disagree that parents have no right to try to correct their children once they are grown up or are married. but i won't debate over this with you since you have a different opinion.
I never said parents have no right to correct their grown and married children. I said they don't need to correct everything their grown children do, especially if they are married. If you need your parents to fix everything for you, why even get married and start a family?