Sometimes its not that easy. Especially if you marry an only son. And they tell you before marriage that they want to stay together. So you agree cause at least you'll be able to do some stuff your way, in laws say that they will let you live your life as you wish. Of course that doesn't happen. After marriage you realise that you're never going to be able to do things your way at all and really why should you? Its not even your house. Its your in laws house. And you'll never get your own house ever anyways. So either cry about it or get on with it.
Thats why get your own place else don't get married if you can't live in such a set up to begin with, better stay single than whining afterwards.
Yes I agree with what most people are saying - either do badtameezi to her and tell her off, or leave the place, cause really those are the only two ways to resolve such a minor issue
Thats why get your own place else don't get married if you can't live in such a set up to begin with, better stay single than whining afterwards.
True. But did you read what I wrote about in laws saying they wouldn't interfere in how you want to do things? Guess if you're that naive then you deserve it.
True. But did you read what I wrote about in laws saying they wouldn't interfere in how you want to do things? Guess if you're that naive then you deserve it.
Yah, I have seen few people who are like " meri beti meri beti" to their DIL before marriage but they show their true colours after marriage. So just don't go by what they say, its not true, not always. People say a lot of things, only few of them really mean them. Girls should say it straight that they want to live separately after marriage to start their new life with their new home taking all the responsibility all by themselves without anyone's interference. Husband has to provide her a separate place to live if she demands one. The moment you ladies stop compromising on things where you don't have to, things will get a lot easier for you, trust me, all you need to do is exercise your rights.
I expected to only have to live with in laws for a year. We expected the husbands job situation would improve and we would be able to get our own house. Unfortunately not everything is within our control and that hasnt happened yet so we are here longer than we would have liked.
Its not a perfect situation I know. It rarely is which is why people come here seeking advice.
Yah, I have seen few people who are like " meri beti meri beti" to their DIL before marriage but they show their true colours after marriage. So just don't go by what they say, its not true, not always. People say a lot of things, only few of them really mean them. Girls should say it straight that they want to live separately after marriage to start their new life with their new home taking all the responsibility all by themselves without anyone's interference. Husband has to provide her a separate place to live if she demands one. The moment you ladies stop compromising on things where you don't have to, things will get a lot easier for you, trust me, all you need to do is exercise your rights.
So you would recommend that a woman marrying a son that takes care of his parents should "exercise her rights" to have independent housing?
Should making your own life "easier" be the main priority?
I'm tempted to just not cook any more. Not sure how that will go down but seems less risky then having some sort of confrontation?
In the beginning I used to clean up after them all the time but because they are untidy people they would almost as soon as it was tidied start making a mess and never try to help maintain an acceptable level of cleanliness and tidiness. Eventually I just gave up. Nobody noticed. House only gets cleaned now if there are visitors maybe once a month or every two months.
In some cases, it’s not possible to move out. And if it is, you don’t know when that will be. That said, it’s better to not argue over every day matters such as food or you’ll be frustrated on a daily basis . Your in-laws naturally had an established way of doing things for many years long before your arrival and routine is comforting, so try to understand from mil’s perspective because older people tend to be more set in their ways. Even if I occasionally make a desi dish that differs from the way my mom cooks, she won’t be that into it…cuz she’s used to a certain method and taste and that’s fine.
Unless your husband is frequently requesting your haath ka khaana, then that means on most days he’s okay with his mom’s style of cooking. Flattery goes a long way and can help loosen up rishtay…so if you enjoy something your Mil made…then compliment her sometimes when everyone’s at the table. It sends the message that you don’t view food as a competition or an ego battle and then she might relax toward you. It’s just a thought; I don’t know if it’ll work lol. And as Muzna suggested earlier, you can sometimes cook 2 dishes…one made your Mil’s way and the other made in your own way and if she asks, just say that while you enjoy her cooking you sometimes miss the taste you grew up with. Woh bhi khush, tum bhi khush. There are other ways of contributing to the marriage/home, but even if you do cook according to Mil’s way…you are still making a contribution because you made an effort to put food on the table. A contribution doesn’t necessarily require uniqueness or change in method.
I'm tempted to just not cook any more. Not sure how that will go down but seems less risky then having some sort of confrontation?
In the beginning I used to clean up after them all the time but because they are untidy people they would almost as soon as it was tidied start making a mess and never try to help maintain an acceptable level of cleanliness and tidiness. Eventually I just gave up. Nobody noticed. House only gets cleaned now if there are visitors maybe once a month or every two months.
Ruby, it's not necessary that you cook according to your own recipes...in order for you to show your love/contribution toward your husband and marriage. The fact that you gave his mom some rest and put in the effort to cook a meal that fed your husband and his parents (even if it's according to mil's way) is still a contribution and a gesture of love. And maybe even more so if you do it with compromise and with a desire to maintain the peace in the home. With time they may get used to your cooking. You can start off small...such as with making desserts or a snack etc. And as suggested earlier, you can make two salans.
As for the cleaning, don't do it so that they will notice and appreciate you. Just do it because it's the right and hygienic thing to do, lol. The fact you did it all the time is what wore you out. Things like dusting and vacuuming don't need to be done daily. You can space the tasks out so you don't get tired. If the whole house gets cleaned when visitors come...that's a lot of cleaning to do in a short amount of time. It's less stressful when it takes place regularly...whether that's weekly or whatever...and it can be in bits and parts so that you don't exhaust yourself. You haven't complained that your mil is a mean or nasty woman. You said that you have a nice equation with her...and given the horror stories you read here...that's a blessing to be grateful for, MA. So, if life is imperfect but still pretty decent don't make it difficult for yourself.
I prefer working on my own too, in the office especially. The kitchen yes, hate it when they give suggestions but surprisingly a lot of MIL's suggestions have been useful. After all she is experienced in that area, have to give her that!
They know very well that I do not like working with other people. Same goes for my professional life. Yeah, it sucks but that's how I am. Have always hated team work, luckily my profession allows me to work independently for the most part. LOL. I have a career and I contribute financially so what is there to mind? I cook when they are NOT home. They know it bothers me when someone tells me to do something. So don't expect me to come and help while you are in there. Either get out and let me handle it or take care of it all.
Yes, I could move out but to where? Buy another house? Also, I don't want to be known as the evil witch who took their precious son. LOL Some days are good, some days I am dying to get away. I am sure they are tired of my shenanigans too. I can be pretty passive aggressive and very unstable emotionally. I am sure I am a pain in the a$$ for them too.
So you would recommend that a woman marrying a son that takes care of his parents should "exercise her rights" to have independent housing?
Should making your own life "easier" be the main priority?
Having a independent housing doesn't mean one is not taking care of the parents. One can have a house at a walking distance to take care of the parents.
In the given situation, parents have been taken care of but they shouldn't "naak mein dum karo" of their children & DIL either.
why dont you get your husband to say "oh mama, let ruby cook today i kinda like her salan too" cuz if your relationship with your mil is too formal for you to be open with her then she won't mind so much if her son says it instead. and yeah, it must suck having to share your kitchen, it probably sucks for her too considering she fed the guy for pretty much all his life. take it in turns, tell her today you wanna cook your way or something and then another day actively ask for her help in something even if you know how to do it so she doesn't feel like you're completely disregarding her.
I prefer working on my own too, in the office especially. The kitchen yes, hate it when they give suggestions but surprisingly a lot of MIL's suggestions have been useful. After all she is experienced in that area, have to give her that!
I would rather make my own mistakes and learn from them. I am like that in every area of my life so my reaction in this situation is not unique. I don't welcome unwanted suggestions. One reason I have never had friends.
Yes, I am kinda like that too sans the friends part though! I have friends. Most of them are like me. We don't give each other suggestions unless asked.
I would rather make my own mistakes and learn from them. I am like that in every area of my life so my reaction in this situation is not unique. I don't welcome unwanted suggestions. One reason I have never had friends.
People are misunderstanding. It's not that she won't let me cook or that we need some rota system.
It is when I cook she interferes and tells me to do things her way and
She doesn't eat my food instead opting to cook something herself which is unecessary because I cook plenty and then mine just gets thrown away because they don't eat their share
People are misunderstanding. It's not that she won't let me cook or that we need some rota system.
It is when I cook she interferes and tells me to do things her way and
She doesn't eat my food instead opting to cook something herself which is unecessary because I cook plenty and then mine just gets thrown away because they don't eat their share
My mother in law cooks very well. Plus, everyone follows what she says. She likes to be in control of everything as well. Father in law listens to her as well as loves her cooking. What I did was cooked my best dessert at a time when MIL was not there and FIL loved it. It involves a lot of " bhoona" that MIL can't do due to pain etc. Once I did that, things kind of rolled a bit in my favor. Plus, things like Ammi, you should get out of the kitchen, it's hot here, you should rest etc etc. it's not the tips that hurt that much, but the criticism that get you. Fortunately, our styles of cooking are similar somewhat as both are a Urdu speaking families.
People are misunderstanding. It's not that she won't let me cook or that we need some rota system.
It is when I cook she interferes and tells me to do things her way and
She doesn't eat my food instead opting to cook something herself which is unecessary because I cook plenty and then mine just gets thrown away because they don't eat their share
Pretty simple then I guess
1: You cook the way you want to cook. After all she is just telling how to do it, not grabbing your hand and doing it right? Smile, nod and play along.
2: Cook less. When you know they don't prefer your cooking, then why cook extra? Actually you should just say it before cooking "Ammi/Auntie I'm going to make this, do you want me to make for you guys as well, maine socha aap se poch lon, aise hi khana waste na ho jaye" ..
I'm pretty sure she won't even tell you what to do if she knows you're just cooking for yourself.
People are misunderstanding. It's not that she won't let me cook or that we need some rota system.
It is when I cook she interferes and tells me to do things her way and
She doesn't eat my food instead opting to cook something herself which is unecessary because I cook plenty and then mine just gets thrown away because they don't eat their share
right. so you could probably still ask her for some tips etc just so she knows that you're taking what she says on board or that you appreciate her help. and that way when you DO want to cook, you can be like "okay can i try my way tonight instead?" - unless she's just unreasonable and doesn't tolerate that either.. and you can also just make less so their share of the food doesn't go to waste.
. Your in-laws naturally had an established way of doing things for many years long before your arrival and routine is comforting, so try to understand from mil’s perspective because older people tend to be more set in their ways. Even if I occasionally make a desi dish that differs from the way my mom cooks, she won’t be that into it…cuz she’s used to a certain method and taste and that’s fine.