Problem marrying a girl who was divorced...

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Problem marrying a girl who was divorced...

I'm not to sure on this but it may be in Quran or Hadith.

..But isn't it of importance to ensure a divorced woman is married as soon as she can before single Muslim girls?

It is something I have heard so cant be sure. Do correct me if I am wrong.

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Re: Problem marrying a girl who was divorced...

Looks like you have to choose between your parents or girl.

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Re: Problem marrying a girl who was divorced...

Although a noble gesture, but two months isn't enough time to not only mentally prepare to be someone's other half but also a dad to a toddler. Your saying "I am sad" and "I don't want to go home tonight" because no one is talking to you properly sounds very emotional and borderline immature. If you want to choose a lady your mom and sister vehemently oppose, you gotta be much more stronger than avoiding going home due to their cold shoulders.

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Re: Problem marrying a girl who was divorced...

Just do what i told you dude other day.

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Re: Problem marrying a girl who was divorced...

One more thing for the OP to consider: The way your mom and sister sound - I don't think they'll be happy with your wife even if it is an arranged marriage you go for. People who are soooo controlling and opinionated about who marries their brother and son do not let go of that control after marriage. There WILL be a struggle no matter who you marry after you say the I Do's. You could go through all of those growing pains - which they are - with someone you like or someone you got set up with. Your call.

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Re: Problem marrying a girl who was divorced...

I have to agree with what Reha said. Your mom, sister and family in general sound very controlling. You need to decide how committed you are to this woman. If you think you can stand up to your family, then get to know her better. If you know that you really want to be with her, I would suggest to deal with your family on the issue as respectfully as possible but take a firm stand. Also, pls don't have her live with your family after marriage - that can't end up being good for anyone. If are able to do this for her and still feel that you will not blame her later for the choice you make by being with her then go ahead with this relationship. Otherwise the sooner you end it the better for both of you.

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Re: Problem marrying a girl who was divorced...

I don't know how much faith plays a role in your and your family's life but wanted to share this little tidbit. If a son or daughter has found a suitable mate and if parents get in the way of marriage, they are committing a sin.

Forget the drama queens in your family and proceed with your relationship as you had planned. I don't know how long you've been talking/seeing this woman but go forward with your plans. Introducing her and her family to your family and then putting down a date and start the wedding preparations? If that is the case, I say go right ahead. Typically, it takes a year to plan out the wedding if you're doing it the whole huge desi wedding thing. If its a year, you can start the preparations and move along with your plans and see if your family can make peace with their internal desires of who is suitable for you and face reality.

The reason I say go on ahead is that my husband's mother didn't approve of me and he wanted her blessing and of course, I too wanted to be welcomed into my in-law family so we just kept waiting and waiting and waiting for it, thinking that our respectful behavior would be reciprocated but it wasn't. Looking back, we should have said "hell with you" and gone ahead and done exactly what his brother did. His brother found a girl, got engaged, and married against his mother's wishes while we waited for his parents blessings. As soon as his brother married that girl, his mother started adoring her. That hasn't happened in my case but it could happen in your's.

At the end of the day, you family has a choice (1) They can be happy and celebrate in your happiness (2) They can be negative downers that no one wants to be around, even you.

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Re: Problem marrying a girl who was divorced...

deleted

what your mothers feed you to turn you boys into girls ??? instead of a man ???

sicking!!!!

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Re: Problem marrying a girl who was divorced...

OP:

How old are you yourself?

Also, what were the circumstances of her divorce? What part does the father play in the child's life? Is he an absent father, does not give a hoot about his child, or is he very much in the picture? If he is absent, will he 'suddenly' decide to become an active father?

A cousin of mine in the UK, decided he wanted to marry a young divorcee who was the mother of a 3 year old girl. His family was very much against it, but my silly cousin went against all wishes and married her. The problems started after the marriage. The father of the child was in jail and was to be released in a couple of years time. The father started to call his daughter from jail and kept in touch with his daughter, reminding her who her 'Abu' was. The Dada /Dadi would 'drop' by to see their grand daughter. Fast forward almost two years later, the father was released from jail, my cousin's wife left my cousin and filed for divorce. Within a few months she had remarried her ex husband. My cousin's ex and her ex (who is now her husband), have another child together. The best thing is that my cousin and his wife never had any children. What a mess.

When I visited the UK not too long ago, I bumped into her at the local Asda with her husband and family in tow. Awkward, yes, but she was very happy and apologised for what had happened.

Alhamdulillah, my cousin has since remarried, and is also content with life.

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Re: Problem marrying a girl who was divorced...

marrying her might give you happiness for a time being, but if you want to be happy for the rest of your life its better to understand what your parents desire for you. You might dont understand right now but when your parents are not there for you, and you learn that you actually cant repeat this time, then you will miss all their prayers.

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Re: Problem marrying a girl who was divorced...

Zobi, while I agree with the sentiment...I don't agree with the actual content of your post. If you think you're getting sawab for killing your happiness...you're wrong.

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Re: Problem marrying a girl who was divorced...

Zobia, I don't quite agree with the your comment. One should marry the person they find happiness with and Islam encourages such relationships.

ninja mumani, that is a very extreme example. It does not happen frequently.

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Re: Problem marrying a girl who was divorced...

I used to think the same way but followings were the reasoning that made me think differently

  1. You dont pick and choose your parents and relatives, except for marriage every other relationship is gift to you from Allah SWT.
  2. if Allah SWT wants you to be with someone then no power can stop it happening but if he dont want you to be with someone then nothing will make it happen.
  3. life is given to you once, and almost everyone live it the way they want it but where is the challenge in there? if you really want to enjoy it, live it for others. i am not saying it requires you to make everyone happy, but keep your parents separate from others. they deserve better. they put their time, efforts, money, prayers on you.
  4. life is short, so learn to make the best out of everything. but if you cant then learn to blindly trust Allah SWT.
  5. It is possible for Allah SWT to create someone with all the things you want in your spouse and even more, but only if Allah SWT wants it. He can stop the time for anyone, and anywhere. (If you read As-Hab-e-Qaaf's waqiah you can see that Allah SWT stopped the time for them)

ps. it is not that i cant feel what original thread starter is going through. I can in fact i was once in a similar situation. I dont remember precise details but i remember that it came to through a very good friend of mine and she even brought him to meet me, even though i said no to her. I think he was a canadian doc but he was a divorcee + kid. anyways point is, move on and trust Allah SWT or rot in your desires, your choice!

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Re: Problem marrying a girl who was divorced...

but zobia.....do you not believe that the person's choice can be ja'iz?
if the girl's character, personality and everything else is not objectionable.....then is the mother not wrong to oppose the union simply because the girl is divorced?

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Re: Problem marrying a girl who was divorced...

well alright, I will keep on giving my reasons & you all will keep on giving yours, so there is not point of discussing it.I am not here to make anyone agree on waht I am saying,I just gave my opinion. I am entitled to my opinion & you are to yours... Thats it...
If I ever get a proposal of divorced/widowed with or without kids, I will never ever consider it to begin with & why would I ? I mean there will be alot to this marriage which I can't handle, Well that is just me but OP is emotionally involved with her so yeah he should go ahead & marry her & he will end up disrespecting his parents for a girl he has only been talking to for just "2 months" I mean seriously ???

From the example of physically challenged, well yes by saying no to that proposal I will be doing favour to the other person because for the mean time someone so blind in love can't see what he/she is entering into. If you see "practically" there are so many difficulties involved in it.
I am not saying divorced people are diseased, I have not said that, misfortune happens. I have not seen anyone like this getting married, I mean divorced girl/guy with unmarried people.How many of you see this happen ??

There was one uncle who got widowed (misfortune obviously wife died), he had children & he obviously needed a mother for them but he did not marry an unmarried girl but instead got married to someone who was like him divorced with a kid. In this case both of them knew they are coming with a baggage, what they have been through & seriously they got along well & they are happy too. She became mother to his children & he became father to her kid,they both did good to one another.

And what if that uncle married an unmarreid girl instead what would have happened ? That unmarried girl who did not even gave birth to a child, did not even know what motherhood is all about will be raising 3 kids just because she got a baggage with her marrige. The time when normally people think of going to vacations after marriage, she probably be taking care of his kids... why ??? This is injustice to that girl I think & what on earth she did to get this baggage? I don't think she deserves this..
But that uncle really made the right choice & did justice too.Life is different when you practically enter into it.You just have to compare the advantages & disadvantages but in OPs case disadvantages are overweighing the advantages.
If he/she is a virgin then he/she has every right to marry a virgin & please don't start virgin & non-virgin discussion again.

As far as Hadith is concerned .. there is a hadith too that says " azaan ho jaye to namaz parhane mein, murday ko dafnaane mein aur larki jawan ho jaye to us ki shaadi karne mein der nahi karni chahiye". Its not like divorced or widowed girls are given more attention in Islam.
As far as its allowed in Islam is concerned then 4 marriages for a man is allowed to but how many of married ladies over here would let their husbands do second, third or fourth nikah, no one I think, but that is allowed in Islam & if someone do the second nikah then you can imagine the circumstances, there will be problems ....

@ OP what are you a kid that you " don't want to go home tonight" & " I am just sad". And stop watching bollywood ki filmein that "I am willing to do anything for this girl and her daughter" & think practically for a moment then you will understand. I mean seriously its only been 2 months that you started talking to this girl & here you are ....

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Re: Problem marrying a girl who was divorced...

I know a guy who married a divorce girl with a daughter. Mom was not happy initially but now she has accepted. MashAllah they are living happily.

To OP, it really depends on you and your to be partner, how willing the two of you are to make your marriage work. If you two are willing to give 100% to your marriage, inshahAllah, you will only find happiness.

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Re: Problem marrying a girl who was divorced...

You're

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Re: Problem marrying a girl who was divorced...

Joke is on you; I meant your and your makes perfect sense.

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Re: Problem marrying a girl who was divorced...

True but what does that have to do with anything? Parents are not perfect nor are they saints, they can be wrong.

True. But a Mother & sister's disapproval does not mean that the marriage is being stopped. OP can plan a wedding and if his marriage is against God's plans then things will get in the way and it will not happen. A mother's disapproval doesn't mean anything. OP's Mother & Sister are fallible, their behavior could be wrong too... I know one Mother who did everything to stop her son from getting married, extremely rude behavior to the girl and her family, insulting them at the first meeting about their ethnicity for the entire 4 hour visit, invited them back to her house, which they though would be to discuss wedding details to which she refused to talk to them, ran away to Pakistan for most of the year so that her son would forget this girl and move on among many other tantrums. The Mother's antics didn't stop, she continued searching for a bride for her son even after his engagement and threatened to commit suicide over & over again if the son married this girl and finally the bride called off the wedding a couple of months before the wedding because there was no love in the family for the son, they didn't want him to get married for their own selfish reasons. When the bride canceled the wedding, the happy Mother tells her son "well, if God willed it, it would happen". The couple reconciled and got married a few months after the original wedding date. Moral here is, "well, God really did will it" And parents are not always perfect. In the above example, the Mother and family were concerned that their funds would be reduced if their Golden Goose got married.

Above all things, you should live your life in accordance to the guidance Allah swt has given us. There is a clear line between giving parents their due respect, love, and haq of supporting them and doing everything parents ask/desire including disobeying Allah's guidance to keep them happy.

Trusting blindly in the Lord and trusting blindly in another fallible human being is not the same thing.

We have to give the OP credit. He's been talking to this woman for only 2 months and wanted to let him family know about her so that the relationship can be proceeded in the proper way. We (mere humans without omniscience) cannot say that this divorced woman is or is not the woman that Allah SWT created for him. Most people in this thread are saying that the divorce (from what has been revealed about her) has nothing to do with her character and that the Mother & Sister are using silly labels and jumping to conclusions before giving this woman a chance.

It is great to know that you were presented with a difficult situation and you are happy with your decision. Perhaps your rishta for divorcee +kid may look similar on the surface to OP's divorcee +kid rishta but it may not be the same issues at play.

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Re: Problem marrying a girl who was divorced...

OP-

Marriage is a serious commitment and if you tie the knot with this woman, you will have a greater responsibility since she brings a little child. If you've already started discussing marriage, I would suggest that you get pre-marital counseling so that you have a good foundation to base your relationship on. The first year or two are really tough on any couple, when 2 individuals have been leading their lives based on their own (selfish) needs. Your entire life as a single person revolves around yourself and you may not even realize it after getting married but there will be needs for compromise. Life going from a single guy to a married dad skips a few stages and it may be a little challenging to you.

You can't predict life but you can take steps to ensure that you can handle all the curve balls that life can throw at you. Good luck!