If he isn't willing to compromise rest assured u'd be making most of the compromises in the future. This also indicates that he's stubborn. If he can't leave his parents, he shouldn't expect u to leave u'res either.
One party does need to compromise. I do however think that u're being hasty and need to give this online relationship more time.
well in this case the same thing can apply to me aswell........
Em not willing to compromise and asking him to leave his parents
If he is willing to compromise NOW..maybe he wud have to compromise all his life
If i can't leave my parents then i shudn't be expecting him to do so either
So It goez 4 both parties.........NOT just him or me
I need some advice on how to overcome this porblem
How to convince HIm n his family?
I request all of u: Instead of saying "Dun marry him"
Give me some useful advice and Help me to overcome this porblem
:)
I would say what Gina said, give it more time, you are only 18 and many boys dont marry until their late 20's. Give it more time and by then im sure you both can decide who will move where. I dont see any hurdle if parents on both sides are willing.
Wud B nice if u cud give some advice on how to overcome this problem instead of saying "Not to marry him" because its just not posisble 4 me
This is the main probelm...........Thats what my parents r saying k I wont b able to handle all theze problemZ
Meri ami muj sy koi kam nahe kerwati :D ........I just concentarte on my stduies n enjoy my life Dun have to worry about anything else :)
Meray parents ka kehna hy k meray liy joint family mai rehna bahot mushkil hoga specially in paksitan.......
I do agree that at the moment em not very good at “gher Garasti” but abi to shadi mai kafi time hy na seekh jao gi :(
I know its going to be very difficult 4 me BUT As I said mai us say bahot piyar kerti ho n I am ready to do all this 4 him but em NOT sure k meri thinking sahi hy ya nahi???????
I mean shayad abi mai keh sakti ho k I will do this n dat 4 him koz its easier said than done
Likin my parents have much more experience than I have n I agree with them but still i wanna give it a try Koz i dun wanna lose him………Aur khuch pannay k liy khuch khoona b to perta hy ……there is no gain without pain L
SERIOUSLY this is really annoying ………..khuch samajh nahe a raha kaya kero
WE dun wanna get married NOW….Ham dono pehlay appa carrer banana chatay hy us k bad shaddi kerna chatay hy…….Abi sirf engagement ka sooch rahay hy but engagement say pehlay we havta sort all this out :(
unless they have naukars at home u better start getting used to the idea of cooking, cleaning and ironing his clothes etc. i dont know what kind of house he lives in but i know a lot of ppl in pakistan still dont have modern appliances etc. a daughter of a family friend got married and moved to pakistan after falling in love with someone there. he also preferred to live there instead of uk and i know she found life very very difficult in pakistan because she's used to all her luxuries here. they had no washing machine etc and she always had to wash clothes by hand and do so many household chores which just made her so miserable. i know it sounds like a trivial matter but lil things like this can cause problems and bitterness in a marriage. that girl was so fed up of how hard life seemed to be there for her that she has been back in the uk now without her husband since the past 5 months. just wanted to point this out to u as something to consider for the future. if u move there willingly for him then do so with ur eyes open and dont complain about it to him afterwards because it will cause problems for u
I have no intension of bekming the next heer ranja.......i jus wanna sort this problem.....get married to him n hunsi khushi zindage guzarna chati ho us k sath :)
But apka idea bura nahe hy :D
talk to ur mom tell her hes imp in ur life n u dun wana live n marry someone for ur parents one day thinking wat if u had taken a chance u cld hv been wid the guy u love.
also calm them down saying right now his perception is difrnt once he starts doing a job n starts realising if he wants to give his family better future n security he'll have to move ( every guy in pakistan realises tht des days sooner or later) he will change his mind ull try wid time to change his mind! but being away from him is not an option for u...u have to work on both sides huney tell ur parents by calming them down tht his perspective will cahnge n tht ryte now fr his family he is staying in khi n later fr his family's betterment will he move to uk and from his side u have to how him how its better for him,his mom/dad n his sister n being the only son how much this cn help to give them a better life. dont talk about it all the time wid him till the point of manipulation but whever time is right.dont get hyper its not an out of control problem!!!
its nt a big problem at all..im telling u fr sure wid time hell want to move..explain tht to him n ur parents!!
you were 15 when you first 'met' him and now you're only 18.
i have to say that all the people i know that got together with someone during their mid-teens, even though they thought they would marry that person, even a few who got engaged at 19-20...** none** of them actually ended up marrying that person.
that's not to say you wouldn't (if you guys worked something out) but you really need to be aware that you're still maturing, your ideas on life are still forming. life is a lot more idealistic when you're younger. let's say you were making this decision in 5 years time, your thoughts might be completely different. so like everyone else has said, you need to wait.
you say that you only need to resolve this now as you can't get engaged until it has. i don't get what the rush is to get engaged? he's only 23, that's young for a guy. he may be getting proposals everyday but if he says he will only marry you, then he can tell his parents that and tell them he's not ready to get engaged yet.
it doesn't seem that your own parents will mind if you don't get engaged yet. so just concentrate on your own life; education, experiences. let him concentrate on his education and taking care of his parents and sister. see how things go.
like others have said, he may be willing to move later or your parents might come around to letting you go or you might decide you don't want a life in pakistan at all.
summary - forget about this engagement lark. these decisions need making when you are ready to get marred.
unless they have naukars at home u better start getting used to the idea of cooking, cleaning and ironing his clothes etc. i dont know what kind of house he lives in but i know a lot of ppl in pakistan still dont have modern appliances etc. a daughter of a family friend got married and moved to pakistan after falling in love with someone there. he also preferred to live there instead of uk and i know she found life very very difficult in pakistan because she's used to all her luxuries here. they had no washing machine etc and she always had to wash clothes by hand and do so many household chores which just made her so miserable. i know it sounds like a trivial matter but lil things like this can cause problems and bitterness in a marriage. that girl was so fed up of how hard life seemed to be there for her that she has been back in the uk now without her husband since the past 5 months. just wanted to point this out to u as something to consider for the future. if u move there willingly for him then do so with ur eyes open and dont complain about it to him afterwards because it will cause problems for u
Everyone has given u valuable advice.. no one has asked u to forget all about it. We've asked u to give it time.. see who convinces who. Good luck!
I did receive sum commentz about "DUn marry him" AND "Dun w8 4 him"
Which was completly off the topic........because i did not ask whether i should marry him or not
My question woz different .........
talk to ur mom tell her hes imp in ur life n u dun wana live n marry someone for ur parents one day thinking wat if u had taken a chance u cld hv been wid the guy u love.
also calm them down saying right now his perception is difrnt once he starts doing a job n starts realising if he wants to give his family better future n security he'll have to move ( every guy in pakistan realises tht des days sooner or later) he will change his mind ull try wid time to change his mind! but being away from him is not an option for u...u have to work on both sides huney tell ur parents by calming them down tht his perspective will cahnge n tht ryte now fr his family he is staying in khi n later fr his family's betterment will he move to uk and from his side u have to how him how its better for him,his mom/dad n his sister n being the only son how much this cn help to give them a better life. dont talk about it all the time wid him till the point of manipulation but whever time is right.dont get hyper its not an out of control problem!!!
its nt a big problem at all..im telling u fr sure wid time hell want to move..explain tht to him n ur parents!!
you were 15 when you first 'met' him and now you're only 18.
i have to say that all the people i know that got together with someone during their mid-teens, even though they thought they would marry that person, even a few who got engaged at 19-20...** none** of them actually ended up marrying that person.
that's not to say you wouldn't (if you guys worked something out) but you really need to be aware that you're still maturing, your ideas on life are still forming. life is a lot more idealistic when you're younger. let's say you were making this decision in 5 years time, your thoughts might be completely different. so like everyone else has said, you need to wait.
you say that you only need to resolve this now as you can't get engaged until it has. i don't get what the rush is to get engaged? he's only 23, that's young for a guy. he may be getting proposals everyday but if he says he will only marry you, then he can tell his parents that and tell them he's not ready to get engaged yet.
it doesn't seem that your own parents will mind if you don't get engaged yet. so just concentrate on your own life; education, experiences. let him concentrate on his education and taking care of his parents and sister. see how things go.
like others have said, he may be willing to move later or your parents might come around to letting you go or you might decide you don't want a life in pakistan at all.
summary - forget about this engagement lark. these decisions need making when you are ready to get marred.
Thanks 4 giving ur valuable time :)
PLz pray 4 me k evithing works out well........
Thanks to Muzna's summary, I'm finally able to understand what you're talking about. The only solution I see is convincing one of the two families move (more likely your own).
Thanks to Muzna's summary, I'm finally able to understand what you're talking about. The only solution I see is convincing one of the two families move (more likely your own).
Well that's another problem in itself. I don't think his whole family would. Have you talked about it with your parents?
Yeah ...my parents r ready to support him as much as they can
We decided that once hez goona settle in uk n goh a decent job (which might take a year or so) Then he can start saving his income so that he can support his family
I have NO problems if he wants to spend his own money for that purpose because i know he doesn't like taking favours from otherz (Even if its a family member such as my parents)
But woh is k liy razi nahi hy ........us ka kehna hy k woh apnay mulk ko nahe chor sakta......jaha woh pala bhera hy
uski family us k dost sab wahan hy
N also i dun really think his family wud agree 4 this aswell........ :(
So ab kaisay ussay n uski family ko manay jay?
Any ideaZ?
Yeah ...my parents r ready to support him as much as they can
We decided that once hez goona settle in uk n goh a decent job (which might take a year or so) Then he can start saving his income so that he can support his family
I have NO problems if he wants to spend his own money for that purpose because i know he doesn't like taking favours from otherz (Even if its a family member such as my parents)
But woh is k liy razi nahi hy ........us ka kehna hy k woh apnay mulk ko nahe chor sakta......jaha woh pala bhera hy
uski family us k dost sab wahan hy
N also i dun really think his family wud agree 4 this aswell........ :(
So ab kaisay ussay n uski family ko manay jay?
Any ideaZ?
I thought it was already clear that he isn't going to move. I meant did you talk to your family about the possibility of all of your moving there?
I met this guy online.......we became frndz n this frndship turned into LOVE
Its been 3 yrs since v know each other
He livez in pakistan n em ere in UK. Ham her rooz bat kertay hy aik dosray say (on msn) .......We both really love each other n wanna geh married
em 18 n heZ 23 but that doesn't matter to me as long as he loves me n carez 4 me
He began the grooming when you were 15.
I told him k ham tumharay parents ko uk bula lay gay n woh hamary saath rahay gay
His parents have no right of abode in the UK, they can visit the UK but cannot stay for a period longer than 6 months.
Kaun bhai.......We DUN wanna geh married NOW......buh he only wants to get engaged as there r so many rishtaZ kuming 4 him n also his parents r kinda puting pressure on him aswell.........
HeZ doing ICMAP n em goona start ma uni this yr InshAllah (4 pharmacy course)
heZ nearly done wid his studieZ
jus need a yr or so to complete his final yr and geha job
You need to complete your education, he needs to find a job.
He's all you have ever known, so he has a monopoly on your feelings, you should openly entertain the prospect of meeting others and see what they bring to the table before you accept your fate.
Some of the pitfalls of online relationships are, its easy to mislead and the fantasy rarely matches up to the reality.
A few more face to face visits are called for (Stoppit and Lipstick summed it up nicely).
I thought it was already clear that he isn't going to move. I meant did you talk to your family about the possibility of all of your moving there?
He doesn't wanna move neither does his fam wanna move from there But he hasn't given me a final answer yet w r STILL disscusing this matter
AND i am trying to convince him n his fam 2 move ere .........
Its impossible 4 my fam to move dere ......as meray saray reshta dar uk mai hy
aunties,uncles every1..........jus 1 or 2 famliez in pak dats all
And aslo itz matter of my parents carrer aswell......i mean ab mery parents yaha apna sab khuch chor k
apnay man bap
job
sab chor char k pak to nahi na jay gay
kaya karay gay wahan ja k?????????
As i said em the onli child of my parents .....which means once em married they wud havta realy on their own income (At the moment i work ina pharmcy aza part time n i try to do wateva i can 4 them)
whereas He wud still b able to support his family after marraige
N i said to him k give some rest to ur Dad
Poori zindage kam kia hy unho nay now its ur turn to do something 4 him
His famli wud easily settle ere but woh samjhta he nahe meri baat ko
Bes aik he zid hy k PAK nahe chorna :(
He doesn't wanna move neither does his fam wanna move from there But he hasn't given me a final answer yet w r STILL disscusing this matter
AND i am trying to convince him n his fam 2 move ere .........
Its impossible 4 my fam to move dere ......as meray saray reshta dar uk mai hy
aunties,uncles every1..........jus 1 or 2 famliez in pak dats all
And aslo itz matter of my parents carrer aswell......i mean ab mery parents yaha apna sab khuch chor k
apnay man bap
job
sab chor char k pak to nahi na jay gay
kaya karay gay wahan ja k?????????
As i said em the onli child of my parents .....which means once em married they wud havta realy on their own income (At the moment i work ina pharmcy aza part time n i try to do wateva i can 4 them)
whereas He wud still b able to support his family after marraige
N i said to him k give some rest to ur Dad
Poori zindage kam kia hy unho nay now its ur turn to do something 4 him
His famli wud easily settle ere but woh samjhta he nahe meri baat ko
Bes aik he zid hy k PAK nahe chorna :(
You're also convinced your family can't move. He's also decided that he doesn't want to move. Just like you wouldn't expect your parents to move there because they're established here and all, in his case you would want his family to leave whatever they have established over there.
I'm going to emphasise this again. Until you are ready to actually be married to him, this decision and everything entailed with it is completely pointless. This will not get solved now as there is no immediacy.
If any other posters agree/disagree, please say so and why.
