please help with sincere suggestions..

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Well, I love my husband so much but still there is a problem i face, which is, he is SO much stubborn and egoistic..this is something he admits himself too.. but he doesnt notice how much irritation does it bring in our relation, he is very good in other things, but these two are the points where i never come to know when he takes out a single point from our good and happy conversation and creates the biggest issue out of it.. and results in my cry.. i dont say a SINGLE WORD when he shouts which keeps him irritated and he asks me to argue.. but i know it will create more problem so i stay quiet! he says, he is ALWAYS right..and can never be wrong, i try to understand him a lot but… it really hurts.. :frowning:
rest, he is really very caring and loving husband..he loves me so much.. no taunt, not aggressive at odd times.. takes me to outings.. (good in all manners)… this is the only issue i face.. what shall i do??

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Re: please help with sincere suggestions..

If he admit ... then use your sword of deep love and kill the problem of Ego ..... 100% sure ....
it will be ok

I feel it happened when man require deep love ..... saturate him and feel him

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Re: please help with sincere suggestions..

this is something i dont know how to tackle, even he himself helps me saying once you'll know how to tackle me, everything will be fine, but the truth is, i do EVERYTHING i feel he requires, but still i see him standing on the same track..when it comes to talk about his ego..!

4

Maybe you shouldn't do everything, you know what i mean? Sometimes that can get annoying! Let him deal with the ego own his own, and don't pay any attention for that time being! Just see how it works out.

Don't always agree with him, sometimes all you need to say is "I'm right!!" And don't bother listening to his side. So one day he'll realize that these small things really don't matter in the big picture. Maybe when he realizes that you don't really care about his ego, he might grow up.

5

Re: please help with sincere suggestions..

love and ego cant go parallel my dear! how can he love you when he has an ego issue even with you. he is a liar if he says he loves you besides stop being a mazloom mashriki lerki and show him YOUR ego that serves him right i am not trying to negitivate your purity of feelings dear but that is the only way in a relationship like yours! you need to balance things and he needs to realize that it hurts you when he towers up his ego between you both and i agree with gaia he needs to know that there are times when YOU are right and he needs to grow up and give up his ego for this relationship to survive or you may fall weaker day by day protecting your marriage all by yourself alone.may Allah bless you both amen

6

That's a tough one.

We all have people in our lives who are convinced that they are right, even when faced with someone who has some valid points of his/her own.

It's difficult trying to work something out with a person like that. One thing I would suggest is that when he does start shouting, and insists that you argue back, you should calmly (no raised voices, no tears - take a few deep breaths if you have to) tell him to please lower his voice and to talk to you respectfully...and then you will discuss things with him. If he keeps up with the shouting, tell him (again, calmly), that you asked for him to speak respectfully and since he can't do that right now, you're not interested in going further with the discussion. Then leave. Seriously. Go run some errands, go to another part of the house...whatever. Just get out of his presence and let him cool down.

As for how to discuss things with him...I'm going to level with you. It might not be possible. My experience with such people is that they think they're right, you are always wrong and that's it. Even when they say they want to discuss things with you, it's really just a platform for them to tell you (and sometimes shout at you) how you're still wrong and they are right.

Am I depressing you yet? I'm sorry.

Try and let the little stuff go. When he starts disagreeing with you about small stuff, just nod, smile and move on. If it's big stuff you disagree on, then stand your ground. Be calm, don't raise your voice, walk away when you need to and be firm in your position. Have a look at this article. Obviously, you can't follow all the suggestions in here because he's your husband and Allah forbid, you're not walking away from him 'cause you love him and I'm sure he loves you. But there are some good suggestions in this wiki article. Just google "how to deal with impossible people" and click on the first link for the wikiHow article that comes up. I'm afraid I can't post the direct link because I don't have 25 posts yet.

I like #13 the best.

"Live as an example of tolerance, patience, humility, and even some kindness (as difficult as that may be)--because these are all the things that the impossible person is not or not very good at."

That sounds like something the Prophet (PBUH) would say...which brings me to my last and most important point. Make dua.

Good luck. Inshallah, it will work out.

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Re: please help with sincere suggestions..

When you get into an argument with him...tell him you will not speak to him unless he can speak to you respectfully. Walk away and keep doing it until he gets the message that you wont be listening to his tantrums like an obedient wife.

His ego is built on the fact that no matter what happens...you will always be there to listen and comfort him. You will sit there and take every single thing he has to say until he is done. Remember that.

8

Re: please help with sincere suggestions..

its not easy to train a man when he's all grown up how to behave n its certainly not easy as a wife to break his ego.
my suggestion is when u two r cool down u ask him how he wants u to act when hes upset. if he gives u a reasonable answer u two will know how to handle it in a better way.

if he doesn't like ur being quiet when he wants to argue, ur leaving the place n not responding at all will make him even mad.

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Re: please help with sincere suggestions..

She is responding...responding in a way that shows she wont be spoken to in a disrespectful manner. If she gives in and argues with him...she is doing what he wants and again...all that does is feed his ego. He wants to get her riled up.

Of the two approaches...his is yelling and screaming and hers is quietly discussing...I find hers to be more effective. She has to find a way to change HIM...not herself. He is the one with the problem in the scenario...not her.

10

well similar thing also happens to me....my fiance loves me alot and cares alot...but the only problem is sometimes he will start arguing and wont stop and than he would say something which will end up i start crying and than later he will say sorry and say he was angry thats why he said those all and didnt really mean it....and yea usually he blames me that i start...so i really want an advise what should i do...

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Re: please help with sincere suggestions..

thanks a lot for so many suggestions :) i am happy to know how people even help here as i m new to this forum.

i have picked up few of the points on which i should act and help our relation out!
:)

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Re: please help with sincere suggestions..

and i really appreciate suggestions of Gaia and Mistral!

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Re: please help with sincere suggestions..

Ask him to have a word or two with a psychiatrist. I have my younger bro. suffering with almost the same issue... and we found out that some behavioral issues are best solved by chatting to people who are not the closest of family members.

Anger mismanagement... its deep rooted, and does not go easy.

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..

The Hi/Bye Thread
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:bummer: well i dont think he needs that.. !!

16

Well, you know your husband best and maybe a psychiatrist isn't the solution. But the idea of bringing in a third party who has a little distance from the situation (or who knows how to be impartial AND keep his/her mouth shut) might not be a bad idea.

Sometimes, we really can't see our flaws, especially when somebody close to us points them out like a parent, a sibling or a spouse. Sometimes, it's easier to take when the person pointing it out is a bit removed from us. It may help in your case. Is there someone you trust that you could talk to about this?

Chalaida
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Re: please help with sincere suggestions..

Do update us!:)

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Re: please help with sincere suggestions..

i used to be like this, in fact a lil bit of me is still that way.....but through time and maturity you may notice a change....however my fiance is also like me in this sense...so what i do, is i DONT TALK TO HIM.....either respond the way he does, so that when he moans, you can say well your the same, or dont talk to him....its hard. but its gotta be down..we dont want doormats here now do we....so if i were you, i would ignore him next time he does it, and make sure your punishment is quite hard, so that he wont ever do it again or atleast he`l think twice....

i told my fiance i was breaking the mangni, ( i wasnt, but hey i needed him toi stop having his head in his arse) so guess what, he was like yeh yeh, but when he saw me silent for 2 days, and then he saw me telling my mum i wanted to talk to her, he paniked, and was a different man afterwards....he actually thought i was going to cancel....

so yeh this is my bit of drama, you do urs....good luck itl work...trust me...

19

u know Queen i wrote it earlier n thought to erase it thinking it might be too harsh for u to hear. but with these posters saying this i'm gonna add.
i know 3 close cases in my life time where hubby's were like yours. intially it was just shouting n yelling at petty things, then it was throwing things n breaking anything that comes the way. two later took the path to physical abuse. i don't mean to scare you but with such tempers u hav to be extra careful. these ppl hated it when their wives kept quite or cried silently. they hated it even more if they answered back. n in normal mood they all treated their wives the best ppl could envy of.
So i'll repeat u need to talk n work out a plan together b4 it gets any worse. something he agrees upon k ok jub mujhay ghussa aaiy tu tum aisay kerna coz he knows his temper n needs best.
else professional help or talking to a muslim counsellor is best option. Ask him to read lots of LA HOULA WA LA QUOWATTA.... AND TAOOZ (AYOOZU BIL LAAHE... esp when he starts feeling mad.

20

Relying on your above highlighted words(Considering these as true records) , as pointed out by you.

If this situation has come in initial stages of you people relation (Not More than a year) , Then it is some thing GOOD.
You guys are going to be IN VERY DEEP RELATION.

If you people relation is Older than say one year , then you people needs some special consultation , but still one solution is there to be apart from each others for some time (May be more than a month).

SOME VERY STRONG POINTS in you People Relation are.

  1. You admit , You love him very Much.
  2. He loves you very much (You admit and he claims).
  3. Your Love is Obvious as that much serious for , that you are looking for suggestions.

As for as my observation is , I believe GIRLS/WOMEN has more EGO than Man/Boy.

So, I would Suggest Seat alone with yourself , and COUNT YOUR MISTAKES , what are Your Mistakes ?