Re: Physical relationships and marriage
there is nothing orthodox about keeping your schlong in your pants until marriage
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
^It is disturbing, Xtron. It's bad enough if the girl still chooses to marry him after knowing about his past, but it's really, really sick when a person chooses to hurt someone else and their life and their loved ones like this guy is doing. If this woman is a decent, respectable person...she does not deserve to be cheated on. Her parents don't deserve that kinda heartache...to see their daughter cheated on in the future. It's disgusting. And even now this guy is main,y worried about himself...and how on earth HE will will get used to being with just one woman ...how HE will suffer....and not so much the pain he'll be inflicting on this woman and her family. Why can't OP just straight-up tell his pal to call off the wedding. The pain from the break-up will be lesser now as opposed to the pain of being cheated on several times after marriage. This may sound harsh...**why is OP even maintaining a friendship with a person whom he has described as a "womanizer"...? **Why are you keeping such company...and if you can't drop this friend of yours....then urge HIM to man-up and do what is right as opposed to depending on the girl. That's cowardly.
Well he's a decent human being. He's a womanizer yes, but he doesn't do this with seeta savatri women either. The women that he has had his fair share of flings are also sexually promiscuous and these women are probably mannizers. They use men just how men use them. He deserves to have a steady life, he cannot spend his entire life going to clubs partying etc. People need to settle down. I think he needs a woman who will put him right back on track, if not then he'll be on the path of destruction.
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
there is nothing orthodox about keeping your schlong in your pants until marriage
So the why the dichotomy?
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
What about your white friends, all the gorays have relationships before they get married but we don't pass judgement on to them. I don't think he made any mistakes.
I know plenty of desi and non-desi people....men AND women who dated multiple people and was sexually active before they got married. The difference b/t them and your friend? They didn't have to "convince" themselves to switch to monogamy and weren't worried about how they can stay faithful.....certainly not during their engagement/early marriage. They weren't selfish enough to agree to marry a person until they were 100% sure that they could be faithful to that person. If you friend is already having second thoughts....I shudder to think what he will feel when the honeymoon phase is over and the marriage becomes "routine" full of the typical stressors.
But how will you convince yourself to life a life of monogamy when you're so used to promiscuity. These thoughts are driving a friend of mine insane.
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
I don't think he made any mistakes, *it's not his fault its the society's fault **for making relationships easier. **His parents are at fault too. **They knew that they brought their son in an environment that is sexually promiscuous now they want their son to get married to a seeta savatri girl then **I don't think the guy is to blame. *
Yes, OP, your friend is exempt from all blame, from all accountability. It is not his fault at all; it is the fault of society and his parents. It's everybody's fault but his. I cannot tell whether your strong defense of this guy makes him fortunate to have you as a friend or whether it's an insult to him that you (as a friend) find him to be soooo severely lacking in his own aqal, conscience and capabilities. Your hamdardi for him reads sort of like a left-handed compliment where the recipient is being shown favor and insulted simultaneously.
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
So the why the dichotomy?
let me say it again '*there is nothing orthodox about keeping your schlong in your pants until marriage and it is expected of a muslim because sleeping around is a major sin in Islam.
*
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
I know plenty of desi and non-desi people....men AND women who dated multiple people and was sexually active before they got married. The difference b/t them and your friend? They didn't have to "convince" themselves to switch to monogamy and weren't worried about how they can stay faithful.....certainly not during their engagement/early marriage. They weren't selfish enough **to agree to marry a person until they were 100% sure that they **could be faithful to that person. If you friend is already having second thoughts....I shudder to think what he will feel when the honeymoon phase is over and the marriage becomes "routine" full of the typical stressors.
How can you be 100% sure that they were 100% sure? You can never know.
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
Yes, OP, your friend is exempt from all blame, from all accountability. It is not his fault at all; it is the fault of society and his parents. It's everybody's fault but his. I cannot tell whether your strong defense of this guy makes him fortunate to have you as a friend or whether it's an insult to him that you (as a friend) find him to be soooo severely lacking in his own aqal, conscience and capabilities. Your hamdardi for him reads sort of like a left-handed compliment where the recipient is being shown favor and insulted simultaneously.
So what should he do? Give up, not marry? Continue the lifestyle of one night stands?
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
So what should he do? Give up, not marry? Continue the lifestyle of one night stands?
I never said that he should never get married or doesn't deserve to get married. But I don't think he should get married when he is both mentally and emotionally uncertain about making a lifelong commitment to one woman. Maybe he needs time off to think about what he wants and whether he can manage monogamy...before taking that plunge.
Also, you said in your post that your friend feels "guilty." Guilt is felt when one thinks they have made a mistake and one realizes that they did have some control over their actions and decisions. He would not be feeling "guilty" if he thought he wasn't at fault. So, basically your friend himself feels that he has made mistakes and that he had control over his actions......then why are you so adamant that he made no mistakes at all and that it is the fault of everybody else (society, his parents) except him? Why are you more defensive about your friend's past the he himself is? It's strange. That's something to reflect on.
And again, to clarify, he should get married. But before doing so he has to decide if he is willing to give up the life of one-night stands. The question that you have posed "Should he give up and continue the lifestyle of one-night stands?" should be directed toward your friend, OP. Ask him this question, not me.
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
I never said that he should never get married or doesn't deserve to get married. But I don't think he should get married when he is both mentally and emotionally uncertain about making a lifelong commitment to one woman. Maybe he needs time off to think about what he wants and whether he can manage monogamy...before taking that plunge.
Also, you said in your post that your friend feels "guilty." Guilt is felt when one thinks they have made a mistake and one realizes that they did have some control over the situations and their actions. He would not be feeling "guilty" if he thought he wasn't at fault. So, basically your friend himself feels that he has made mistakes and that he had control over his actions......then why are you so adamant that he made no mistakes at all and that it the fault if everybody else (society, his parents) except. Why are you more defensive about your friend's past the he himself is? That's something to reflect on.
That won't happen, he's set to marry that girl very soon. The reason why I'm defensive is that I believe everyone deserves a chance, if someone wants to change themselves then they can. It's not like the raped anyone. Whatever he did had the consent of both parties. But in other words I want him to get married and settle down when he has the time, before something goes wrong now that he has time. I know his family and his parents, they're modest and good folk and if I can convince him to get married and better his life then I'm all for it. I think that if he misses the chance to marry this seeta savatri girl then he'll end up with some horrible woman who's going to never understand where he's coming from. And THAT will cause him to end his marriage and plunge right back in to promiscuity again. He doesn't need a woman like himself. He needs someone who's humble and is willing to forgive his sins.
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
Huh? Seeta Savitri cried and had a mini melt-down when he confessed his past to her. Err, so that right there shows that she does not "understand" where he's coming from. She does not "understand" nor "accept" a promiscuous lifestyle in and of itself. However....she might accept him with his past if she loves/cares about him enough. But he can't solely depend on her goodness and humility to help him become a better man. If he expects goodness, humility, faithfulness from her.....he has to give those same things back. It's not fair that he expects loyalty from her after marriage while at this time he is in two minds about loyalty himself. Do you see what I mean?
Op, why are you trying to diminish the gravity of the mistake. Yes, we all know that it wasn't aa bad as rape and even if it did entail the consent of the women, he always had the option to refuse. It shows lack of control on his part. But thankfully your friend feels guilt whereas you don't even think he made any mistake at all and that's disturbing. If he truly believes that he can manage more control of himself and has it within him to honor the commitment of marriage and if the girl still wants him...then fine, get married.
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
She will have pressure and will agreed with it regardless she tells her parent or not but I dont think the guy will change after marriage maybe for short time but will be back to being himself
Should find someone of same nature who want to settle down like himself and marry her but desi family eh? Not a norm to do
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
These days everyone has flings. It's really hard to keep your self from relationships. Even if you don't go around expecting to get in one you find yourself in one by default. Social media has made it easier, and if you're a social person then it's really hard not to get in to stuff like that. I mean all of us have had our shares of flings like that. No one can claim seeta savatri status. So what if this guy has been in a few relationships? Does that mean he doesn't get a chance to get married? What about your white friends, all the gorays have relationships before they get married but we don't pass judgement on to them. I don't think he made any mistakes, it's not his fault its the society's fault for making relationships easier. His parents are at fault too. They knew that they brought their son in an environment that is sexually promiscuous now they want their son to get married to a seeta savatri girl then I don't think the guy is to blame. If you're going to marry a Western Pakistani man then you have to deal with the baggage that comes with it. Unless you marry someone from an orthodox islamic faction.
Its not hard to keep yourself chaste. Plenty of people manage it before marriage. And no you don't need to be part of an orthodox Islamic faction. What is ridiculous is your friend expecting to get a "seeta savatari" type as you put it but not thinking that maybe she wants the same for herself. Marriage is a big step and everyone wants a partner who is compatible. If his lifestyle and thinking is the complete opposite to hers why would she marry him? I'm not saying he shouldn't marry I'm saying he needs to sort himself out and maybe reassess the type of woman he should marry. Maybe he should marry someone like himself. You can't blame environment society parents and everything else except him for his decisions. He decided to have flings. His parents didn't force him. And this girl if she has sense won't marry him. When I got married my only requirement was someone decent who was on my thinking level. And alhumdulillah I got that because the "seeta savatari" types aren't all that rare.
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
That won't happen, he's set to marry that girl very soon. The reason why I'm defensive is that I believe everyone deserves a chance, if someone wants to change themselves then they can. It's not like the raped anyone. Whatever he did had the consent of both parties. But in other words I want him to get married and settle down when he has the time, before something goes wrong now that he has time. I know his family and his parents, they're modest and good folk and if I can convince him to get married and better his life then I'm all for it. I think that if he misses the chance to marry this seeta savatri girl then he'll end up with some horrible woman who's going to never understand where he's coming from. And THAT will cause him to end his marriage and plunge right back in to promiscuity again. He doesn't need a woman like himself. He needs someone who's humble and is willing to forgive his sins.
I also think he should get himself tested before he gets married. STD's are real. He needs to have some sort of proof that he's not carrying anything around.
I think he needs to understand one thing:
IF this girl accepts him with all of his baggage...HE needs to work his butt off to walk a straight line. Not expect the girl to be humble and keep forgiving him. He will have to squash his ego and realize...now that he's opened up about his past...there's no guarantee of anything and his marriage will require A LOT of work. He should never have told her, realized his error and corrected himself BUT now that he did...he should be prepared to live with the consequences.
If she didn't know, she would have trusted him right off the bat. Now that she knows...he will have to work to build her trust in him. That's just how it is. Live with it...not fair but such is life when you make stupid choices.
There will always be a certain amount of doubt in her mind about his fidelity and it will take a while for it to go away...he will have to prove himself to her. Again, such is life.
If your friend is not ready to give his lifestyle up, he needs to take a step back from this marriage or at least postpone it. Otherwise, he will be in a bigger mess when he's stuck in a miserable marriage with a partner who cannot trust him.
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
How can you be 100% sure that they were 100% sure? You can never know.
The same way you seem to be so sure/convinced that your friend will be able to control his urges and remain faithful to this girl....even though he himself has doubts.
if someone wants to change themselves then they can.
I agree. If someone truly wants to change, it is possible. But that's not what's happening here.
But in other words** I want him** to get married and settle down when he has the time, before something goes wrong now that he has time. I know his family and his parents, they're modest and good folk and if I can convince him to get married and better his life then I'm all for it. I think that if he misses the chance to marry this seeta savatri girl then he'll end up with some horrible woman who's going to never understand where he's coming from. And THAT will cause him to end his marriage and plunge right back in to promiscuity again. He doesn't need a woman like himself. He needs someone who's humble and is willing to forgive his sins.
It doesn't look like your friend is the one who wants to change and commit to one woman. This is what YOU want b/c YOU believe this is what's best for him. I can't remember the last time a gora person I met had to be "convinced" that they need to marry. That desire to commit yourself to one person when you have been sexually active before needs to come from within. You friend himself is having serious doubts. Now if you and everyone else gang up and convince him how this is the best thing for him.....even though he's not sure himself......then there is a good chance things won't be so rosy afterwards not only for the guy....but also the innocent girl who is involved.
But hey what do I know? You are dead set on your own beliefs and nothing anyone says here will convince you otherwise. So good luck with your mission of getting your friend married so this girl right now so he doesn't potentially end up with a "horrible woman" in the future.
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
can some one please summarize this thread ?
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
But how will you convince yourself to life a life of monogamy when you're so used to promiscuity.
Not ready for marriage.
Not fit for marriage.
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
can some one please summarize this thread ?
Khulasa kuch Is tarah Hai Ke , in janab ka kehna Hai
" Hum ko Dushman ki Nigahon Se Na Dekha Kije
Pyar Hee Pyar Hain Hum,Hum Pe Bharosa Kije
Chand Yadon Ke Siva Hath Na Kuch Aayega
Is Tarah Umr-e-Gurezan ka Na Peecha Kije "
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
sometimes marriage seem like a scam to me. Last year I overheard a conversation my attending was having with a nurse on how to tackle a problem he was having ..his wife was spending money faster than he could make. But thats another thread
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
year I overheard a conversation my attending was having with a nurse on how to tackle a problem he was having ..his wife was spending money faster than he could make. But thats another thread
He's not the only attending with that problem. :@: