What if you have previous physical relationships and are going to get married to someone you don’t know anything about. Would you tell your future wife? How to get rid of the guilty feeling that you’re continue to do something that is not allowed but you’re also trying your best to follow the correct path and get nikkafied (Nikkahed, whatever the damn word is). But how will you convince yourself to life a life of monogamy when you’re so used to promiscuity. These thoughts are driving a friend of mine insane. I wish I would post it here to get some answers.
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
your friend? 
really?
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
^Yes, KKF, the most important issue here is to determine who exactly this dilemma is about…Pa Jee himself or his friend. Cuz you know…that lil difference would totalllyyyyy change the advice given. :k:
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
Op, I don't think this individual should get married. Is he getting married just to appease his parents? If so, I think it's both selfish and unfair of him to satisfy one party at the risk of hurting so many others. He won't just be hurting his wife, but her family, his own family, possibly his kids if he ends up having any. So, he really needs to think about the consequences of this tendency and also examine why exactly he has commitment issues. But if still hasn't mended his ways, he shouldn't risk destroying other people's lives...in this case the woman he's planning to marry. Others may not agree with me.....but I see this marriage as another way of "using" a woman just as he may have "used" the former girls he was with.
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
Hmm.... I don't think that what a person had done in the past is of any concern to the person they are about to marry, bringing up such a topic is not necessary unless the girl asks then just reply truthfully. Personally I wouldn't want to know if my husband to be has physical relation before marriage, as long as the guy is faithful after marriage then the past really shouldn't matter.... Also why is this person regretting and feeling guilty now? Obviously this person never felt bad when doing such activities then why feel shame now?? Also if u think that this person won't be able to control himself with other women after marriage then maybe he shouldn't marry?? Just because everyone is doing it doesn't mean he has to do, it might be "right" to get married but it's wrong to not commit to a marriage, if he can commit to one person after marriage then ok, forget the past and marry if he can't commit, then don't marry!
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
^OP also said that the guy in question "continues" his promiscuous ways while also getting ready to marry a girl. The guy is not in the commitment mind- frame if he's still wondering how he can manage to be faithful when he's so used to being promiscuous. So, whether or not he wants to tell his wife-to-be is up to him and I don't think it'll help. She may end the relationship and that might even come as a relief to him. But I don't think he should be getting married if he has not made a firm commitment to himself to quit this habit of his. If he is merely questioning the gravity of his attitude/behavior and hasn't come to the realization/ehsaas that it wrong and damaging...then don't get married until you're certain that you're ready.
Abdullah Ibn Masoud (May allah be pleased with him) related, A man came to the Prophet and said:O Messenger of Allah! I have mingled with a woman in the far side of al-Medina, and I fulfilled my desire short of actually having sexual intercourse with her. So, here am I, judge me according to what you decide.' Umar Ibn al-Khattab (May allah be pleased with him) then said: `Allah had kept your secret, why did not you keep your secret?
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
Maybe Paa Jee needs to clarify the situation some more...because my understanding of his post is that secrecy is not the only issue here and it's not even the bigger issue. The other, more bigger/serious, issue is that he hasn't decided to be monogamous and if he's still "continuing" his trysts then he hasn't changed much. You decide whether or not you want to be monogamous and honor such a commitment.....before actually making that commitment.
Obviously, this should only apply if the person has done tauba. Otherwise, don’t ruin someone’s life..
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
It depends how would the person feel if their wife had physical relationships before? If they can handle it, then, sure follow the straight and narrow, keep it to themselves and get checked for stds before the wedding.
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
If he's still involved with someone else then he should not be marrying this other girl. Why is he marrying her but hasn't married any of the other girls? and is he feeling guilty because his fiancee thinks or was told he hasn't had any relationships before her? To be honest this isn't the way to start a marriage. Marriage is based on trust and honest if the guy isn't fulfilling either or even planning to in the future with his fiancee then th he shouldn't be getting married. A marriage like that will not survive. Just unnecessary heartache for everyone involved.
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Re: Physical relationships and marriage
^Um..okay...Monk.
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
What if you have previous physical relationships and are going to get married to someone you don't know anything about. Would you tell your future wife? How to get rid of the guilty feeling that you're continue to do something that is not allowed but you're also trying your best to follow the correct path and get nikkafied (Nikkahed, whatever the damn word is).** But how will you convince yourself to life a life of monogamy when you're so used to promiscuity. These thoughts are driving a friend of mine insane**. I wish I would post it here to get some answers.
If thats the question, then I can assure that a loving monogamous relationship is a lot more fullfilling than lustful promiscuity.
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
I don't get how people say 'past doesn't matter' esp. if one is going for an arranged marriage. If a person falls in love with someone as in love marriage, then I can understand because person is already in love and is willing to look over. But in arranged people don't you guys look at the morals and values that person has .. and that could only be judged from his or her past experiences. I know there are temptations around but the difference between someone with a strong moral character and someone one not is whether they gave into temptations and broke the rules and guidelines expected of them as a muslim or whatever. This tells a lot about the persons character and I have seen here most people chalk it up to mistakes or past doesn't matter'
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Okay so it’s only me and Thornewood who see that the guy is still not 100% willing to give up his ways. Weird. 
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^its not a competition, you know.
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Neither do I because I would think why were this guy’s previous relationships not working. Was he just waiting for mummy daddy to fix him up with a ‘decent’ girl. But eh if the marriage has happened then putting pressure and transferring it to the girl is not fair esp if she’s stuck with societal norms to follow the marriage through.
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
^its not a competition, you know.
And I don't see it as such. I was just surprised that this more worrying aspect of the dilemma had not been addressed by more people.
Re: Physical relationships and marriage
Neither do I because I would think why were this guy's previous relationships not working. Was he just waiting for mummy daddy to fix him up with a 'decent' girl. But eh if the marriage has happened then putting pressure and transferring it to the girl is not fair esp if she's stuck with societal norms to follow the marriage through.
We don't know if he's marrying to appease his parents. Or maybe he wants kids. Who knows what his reasons are for getting married. But OP has said that he has a promiscuous past. Commitment is usually not a top priority for players or promiscuous persons. That said, it might be that the reason why his former relationships didn't work because he (and possibly the girls themselves) was/were not looking to commit at those points.