Physical relationships and marriage

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: Physical relationships and marriage

Well..simple straightforward answer would be...he is not suppose to show his past sins. If he has done something..hide it and ask for repentance. Same with a girl..no need to show and tell anyone. Get it over with it. And focus on martial relationship.

22

Re: Physical relationships and marriage

I am a bit surprised at the responses. If it's an arranged marriage, hiding your past about activities that are clearly forbidden in our religion and culture is selfish. Yes even if you feel guilty about it, it should be disclosed because it's a life long commitment and could lead to problems later on since OP's friend is not sure if they can stay in a monogamous relationship. In the end, it might not turn out to be a big deal for your future spouse but for many, it could be a deal breaker.

23

Re: Physical relationships and marriage

^Actually Islam says it shouldn't be disclosed.. That's why a lot of ppl here have said about keeping quiet..

I personally feel it would be better to be open about it though..

I've heard scholars say if your fiance specifically says they want a virgin and you aren't then you should decline the proposal in a "diplomatic" way (ie in as nice a way as possible without going into details), which seems fair enough..

24

Re: Physical relationships and marriage

Why doesn't he get 4 wives? Then he has a certificate allowing him to sleep around.

25

Re: Physical relationships and marriage

First things is to decide for sure he wants to get married. Whoever the wife would be (arranged or love or whatever), there should be no doubt that he cannot continue what he has been doing. If he is unsure, DO NOT MARRY.

If he decides to get married eventually, there is no need to tell future wife. He should get himself tested for STDs though.

26

Re: Physical relationships and marriage

There are many differences in the situation of the man in your quoted hadees and the situation described in the OP. So, this is a very wrong reference for OP's situation. In your hadees the man wants to repent for 'physical' relationship with ONE woman. Maybe even seeing her one time which is not clear in your quoted hadees. Regardless, quoting from OP:

  1. What if you have previous physical relationships...

  2. How to get rid of the guilty feeling that you're *continue**** to do*** something that is not allowed...

  3. how will you convince yourself to life a life of monogamy when you're *so used to**** promiscuity***...

  • The OP has had various physical relationships (most probably sexual relations as he later admits to being used to a life of promiscuity)

  • The OP is not repenting but is concerned about how to deal with the guilt arising from continuing his promiscuous life style after marriage.

  • The OP has a weak intent of living & is struggling to convince himself a life of monogamy with one woman (His lawful wife).

So, it is a very bad idea to compare these two situations. As far as I know, a sexual intercourse out of wedlock is considered to be a major sin. Here the OP is talking of various, not just one 'physical' relation with one woman (That is what I understand from his reference to promiscuity).

27

Re: Physical relationships and marriage

You need to first mature mentally & respect not only the sacred relationship called 'marriage' but also the (poor) woman you intend to marry. Personally, I would reject such a guy & would never suggest a dear friend, sister, cousin, any loved one who is not used to a life of promiscuity to accept a promiscuous man who is not even mature enough to commit to one wife as a life partner. Yeah, if the man in question is seriously guilty of his past ways, wants to repent & is willing & ready for a clean life of marriage then only he is credible to be accepted.

What you need is to find yourself 4 girls and marry all the four. Maybe it is for guys like you that Islam allows to keep 4 wives. But make sure you also provide them all with equal rights.

28

Re: Physical relationships and marriage

I don't think the debate is about him disclosing his past relationships - which he shouldn't anyway. There is NOTHING good that can come out of you unloading your burden onto your future spouse by telling them tales of your past conquests. Nothing.

The question is...where does he stand NOW? Is he still sleeping around? If he is...marriage is not for him. If he's not...he needs to do tawba and take some time before getting married to someone else. He cannot possibly expect to jump into a marriage when he has no idea if he can actually be faithful to his wife.

29

Re: Physical relationships and marriage

Marrying four wives is not the solution to this. A wife is different to a girlfriend. It's his attitude that needs changing. You cannot marry women expecting to treat them as items to be used and abused. A wife also has the right to be loved and cared for, you should look to the example of the prophet. Despite having more than one wife he was able to care for them as women should be cared for. Women aren't just things to be used to satisfy physical pleasures. A wife is a companion to help you through LIFE to have children with to raise them properly together and to be a support for each other. This person does not understand what a wife is, he will not know how to care for her or respect her as she should be cared and respected. So really he should not be getting married. He needs to sort out his own issues first.

30

Re: Physical relationships and marriage

Is there an inside Joke that I’m not aware of?

31

Re: Physical relationships and marriage

no.
I just imagine her calling "paaa jee" :D
In my mind it looked funny.
sorry.

32

Re: Physical relationships and marriage

You cannot tell your future In-laws about your previous escapades with various Pakistani girls some of whom they might know. You have to keep it a secret. Now my friend has two choices, he can either tell his future wife to be what he's done and on the other hand the can keep it a secret. His problem is that he's an extreme womanizer to the point that he doesn't even feel any attachment to the ones that he's been physically. I fear that his western lifestyle of sexual immorality has caused to be perpetually seeking female contact. He has became a sort of prince and his harem the night clubs of the city. He does feel guilty about marrying this girl however I know that it's only half hearted.

The girl on the other hand is this seeta-savatari your poster child bahu who has never even been with a non mehram. I feel as if this relationship will not last. When she finds out his decadence lifestyle, she'll probably want to move back. I've tried convincing him of telling her everything. He says that even if he does tell her everything the matter is so deep that she'll agree to marry him out of respect of her parents. You know Pakistani women love a challenge or is it women in general? To fix broken dudes? I don't know.

33

Re: Physical relationships and marriage

^Instead of telling him to disclose his sordid past to his fiancee, why don't you just push him not to get married. In the past he must have had the balls to dump women, so why is depending on his fiancee to dump him? Cuz he'd rather have his parents learn that SHE was the one to break it off and not him? Tell him to muster up that drop of dignity from within him and to call off the marriage on his own.

34

Re: Physical relationships and marriage

Yes, unfortunately if women are already in love with guy and have formed an attachment to him they seem to see good in him despite the overwhelming bad...they see that bit of potential in him that they think can lead to reformation. They should have thought that if the most important folks in his life....his mom and dad...couldn't make a profound difference in his character and treatment of women, then she doesn't have much of a shot in "changing" him either. Quit depending on bis fiancee to set him free.....tell the your friend to call off the wedding.

35

Re: Physical relationships and marriage

In that case, your friend needs to convince his parents first that he is not ready to marry. He doesn't have to showcase his lifestyle to them if they are not already aware but if he even feels half-heartedly bad then he needs to take some action. From your post, it seems clear that he is not too keen on giving up his lifestyle.

36

Re: Physical relationships and marriage

Right. So he thinks because this girl is such a goody two shoes she'll still agree to marry him even if he tells her everything? So then tell her. What's the problem? Tell her that he's already had plenty of flings and he probably will in the future too. What's stopping him? I mean he sounds like such a catch. What girl wouldn't want to marry a charmer like that? :/ this guy has issues. He doesn't have the guts to tell her the truth, he doesn't have the courage to change himself and he hasn't got the courage to call off the wedding. I hope the girl doesn't marry him. She deserves better. I doubt any parent would want their child to marry someone like that. If her parents find out they'll call off the wedding themselves. If he's been as promiscuous as you say then the family will find out sooner or later.

37

Re: Physical relationships and marriage

^Bas karo..tussi tu ghussa he ho gai ho.

38

Re: Physical relationships and marriage

Ok news updates guys, He told the girl everything. She's crying and is having a mini breakdown. He was crying. He says he wants her and is willing to let go of everything. Seen him wearing a nicotine patch. I think he's giving up on smoking. Which is a good start. Stay Tuned.

39

Re: Physical relationships and marriage

^It is disturbing, Xtron. It's bad enough if the girl still chooses to marry him after knowing about his past, but it's really, really sick when a person chooses to hurt someone else and their life and their loved ones like this guy is doing. If this woman is a decent, respectable person...she does not deserve to be cheated on. Her parents don't deserve that kinda heartache...to see their daughter cheated on in the future. It's disgusting. And even now this guy is main,y worried about himself...and how on earth HE will will get used to being with just one woman ...how HE will suffer....and not so much the pain he'll be inflicting on this woman and her family. Why can't OP just straight-up tell his pal to call off the wedding. The pain from the break-up will be lesser now as opposed to the pain of being cheated on several times after marriage. This may sound harsh...why is OP even maintaining a friendship with a person whom he has described as a "womanizer"...? Why are you keeping such company...and if you can't drop this friend of yours....then urge HIM to man-up and do what is right as opposed to depending on the girl. That's cowardly.

40

Re: Physical relationships and marriage

These days everyone has flings. It's really hard to keep your self from relationships. Even if you don't go around expecting to get in one you find yourself in one by default. Social media has made it easier, and if you're a social person then it's really hard not to get in to stuff like that. I mean all of us have had our shares of flings like that. No one can claim seeta savatri status. So what if this guy has been in a few relationships? Does that mean he doesn't get a chance to get married? What about your white friends, all the gorays have relationships before they get married but we don't pass judgement on to them. I don't think he made any mistakes, it's not his fault its the society's fault for making relationships easier. His parents are at fault too. They knew that they brought their son in an environment that is sexually promiscuous now they want their son to get married to a seeta savatri girl then I don't think the guy is to blame. If you're going to marry a Western Pakistani man then you have to deal with the baggage that comes with it. Unless you marry someone from an orthodox islamic faction.