There is a major difference between not disclosing ones past because of true repentance of one’s sins (which is not just simply asking for forgiveness, but truly having genuine and profound shame, regret and remorse and avoiding any associations or environments related to the sin–its a personal reformoration, requires a huge shift in mindset, self-control, and committment) vs. trying to deceive another person and giving a false portrayal of one’s self.
Yes its possible to repent and reform yourself in which case the past should not matter because it’ll be so different from the present it would no longer be applicable. In this scenario, if a guy or girl had past sexual/physical relationships and they truly repented they would no longer be seeking meaningless social interaction with opposite sex in order to avoid any temptation or misunderstandings with the opposite sex, unless done in halaal or professional way. Now a days with cell phones, internet and social media, this is becoming rare, the amount of meaningless intermingling and socializing with opposite sex (where there is likely to be nonplatonic feelings) now a days have likely reached a historical high.
Lets be honest with ourselves, knowing our people and human nature, what’s more likely scenario is the latter situation of people hiding their past without true repentance to purposefully deceive others by portraying themselves in a better way–it’s dishonest and not genuine. Sadly in our culture, deceit and dishonesty in the name of self interest is not considered as shameful because its so prevalent in our upbringings and society, which is WRONG. There is no gray area in religion about lying and deceiving someone. It’s explicitly stated in the Quran and Hadiths.
And we know that just because something is permissible in religion doesnt mean that humans dont abuse it for their own benefit. Men were allowed to marry more than one wife becsuse of warfare at that time and increasing number of widows and lack of independence and rights for women during those time and to increase the population and spread of a new religion. However, now a days this is now being used for perverted reasons with some Muslim men marrying several wives primarily for the sex. For the most part it’s no longer being used for its intended purposes. @Reha, will you let your husband keep 3 more wives just because it’s allowed in Islam?
Doesn’t make it morally right just because it’s allowed in the religion–not because religion is wrong but because humans end up even abusing and perverting religion for their own benefit. The same can apply in this situation.
A person who is secure, upright and has integrity will also have a past in some way, shape or form. Insecurity means lack of confidence in oneself. It has nothing to do with integrity or being an upright citizen.
If someone values piousness they can definitely look for someone who is the same, sure. But don’t judge that person’s piousness today with whatever they might have done yesterday because the two don’t always connect. And furthermore, since its discouraged to even ask…I cannot imagine why said pious person would ever dare go against such a recommendation. Their piety should be good for something, shouldn’t it? At least following the Islam they claim to follow?
Not sharing your past with your future significant other is stupid and deceitful. You don’t have to post a billboard on the busiest highway and advertise your deeds but at least be honest about your past. Lying by omission is still lying. I don’t think people should deliberately hold important information about their past with their future life partner.
Insecurity comes in many forms and shapes, those who want to shy away from their past are insecure too. The only way to judge a person today is to look at their past.
You see Mullahs have made Islam such a rigid, shady black and white religion only to suit their own interests and agenda. We are now seeing people encouraging dishonesty and deceit in the name of Islam. It’s an absolute height of selfishness and crookedness , just because you are so insecure, too embarrassed and fear rejection because of your own bad deeds, it somehow grants you the holy right to lie or deceive your potential life partner about something they may genuinely *just *want to know? Who are you to decide what information is necessary or relevant? Different strokes for different folks, no? They hold every right to know the truth if they want to. Simple as that. What is this nonsense of calling people insecure for getting curious about their life partner’s past? Most normal people get curious about random people and random things on the street, but somehow they are religiously forbidden by Mullahs to not get curious about their potential life partners’ past experiences? Do normal people actually go out of their way to suppress their curiosity to please others? Sounds quite torturous.
In Islam, we are also told to conceal other flaws and sins but at the same time it is a sin to give false testimony. So why are we allowed to cover someone sins if we are also encouraged to speak the truth? In Islam, humans as Ashraful Makhlookat are given the freedom to judge the situations and make reasonable decisions. If someone tells their life partner about their past experiences, they are not doing it for advertisement purposes and when someone finds out about such information, they are not supposed to use it indulge in any gossips. So yes, let’s stop thinking in extremes. It’s a shame that Mullahs won’t mention the flexibility and room for personal judgement allowed in Islam. Everything has to be black and white and rigid.
That is all I am saying. During the ristha process how many prospects do you meet? 10, 20 , 30? When you disclose it to all of them, to me, it is no different than putting up on a billboard.
There’s a Hadith in Sahaih Muslim where it is forbidden to announce past sins.
There’s a massive difference between a person who decides to go on the right path to right their own sins and one for whom marriage is a case of having your cake and eating it too. They have fun before marriage and when their mother beckons they go for a decent person with a non - controversial past. This is NOT someone who’s seeking forgiveness or changed their tune. It’s just circumstances that’s made it easier for them to pretend to portray a faux pious front for their spouse.
I think it’s definitely an issue the person needs to resolve for themselves before getting married because when a person goes on the straight and narrow they do for themselves and Allah. It’s about your akharat. A person should clear their own religious views before taking such a massive step.
Before things get fixed a person should ask their intended what do they think about people who’ve dated before. If there’s a negative response then they should bow out themselves because that’s the decent thing to do.
Do whatever you want…doesn’t change what actually is forbidden for us does it?
And people who shy away from their past are not insecure…its actually wise and that’s why recommended to stay away from. They are pretty confident it will make no difference to their future and that’s why they prefer not to talk about it. Not SHY AWAY…prefer not to discuss. Shying away is hiding. This is not hiding…Allah asks that you maintain a sense of decorum by not being clumsy with your mouth and offending people with questions that will make them uncomfortable or hurt or worse…affect how you might view them for the rest of their life.
The thing is…many of you people cannot really comment on this…you’ve had ONE marriage and maybe some dark history here and there that NO ONE in their right mind will ever admit to. Like NO ONE because obviously it would make them a hypocrite. This applies to people who are honest and sincere but want to move on with their lives. Allah knows best…he knows all of our sins and intentions. If a convert can be reborn as a Muslim and forgiven by Allah…who are mere human beings to hold anything against anyone?
Insecurity is usually what people will call anything they don’t want to agree with or have issues with. No one is forcing this on you or anyone else. Do whatever you want but it still it is what it is. No denying that.
If your point is to be the last one to reply then you can go ahead and keep repeating same things over and over again. I said in my previous posts, If a person does not want to discuss his/her past, and would not answer such questions. On the other hand I find lying about it wrong. Sins are between Allah and person, lying to a person also involves another human. Lying to them is deception and I don’t think Islam allows it. Its the lying that I have been objecting to.
I have been married for almost 19 years now, so kind of an old timer, but honestly if I was going today and marrying for the first time, I would never ask my spouse this stupid question if she is a virgin or not. You pick a person for what the person is, not what he or she was. Unless you are marrying a known criminal, you should have enough confidence on your choice. If you have to ask such question, then it shows your insecurity more than the other person’s. If you are that insecure about what you are getting into, walk away without asking that question. Don’t embarrass the other person, and also yourself.
^I would not ask either TLK, but, if someone has been modest him/herself, and wants to ask I will respect their choice instead of calling them insecure. I don’t think it has got anything to do with insecurity, rather I would like to think that its those with a skeletons in closet that are insecure for being asked. Now I don’t feel that those "ghat ghat ka pani pete rahe haiN’ are justified in trying to pursue pak pawittar.
And again its lying in response to the question that I find objectionable.
In this day and age, do people actually think grown up women and men go to each other straight up and ask “hey are you a virgin” LOL. Do adults even talk like this? Oh please. A lot of things have changed, people have developed more sophisticated communication skills.
I guess everything here is about doing a trolley parade, ticking a same old standard check list and marrying a person and that’s it, you are done. If you fancy, add a bit of duppatta chewing scene as well in the mix. I’m tempting to assume most people actually don’t even know how courting couples talk and find out about each other.
Virginity is not the issue here, it’s about lying like Icono said.
Obviously it is stupid to ask question like that and that too in first few meetings. On many occasions it is not even possible to have this type of conversation but if the girl asks about my past, I should be honest and let her make the decision.
We always hear honesty is the best policy or it takes a strong person to admit his/her mistakes and correct them.
It is something entirely different than advertising your colorful past everywhere and on every opportunity. If you are serious about the rishta and this question has been asked then answer it honestly. If that person backs off, great you’ve saved that person and yourself of a miserable future. If not then appreciate the strength of that person and be loyal to them from now on.
What I’ve understood from posts here is that if you’re asked this question, then either you
refuse to answer
lie
use the religion card (it’s between me and Allah)
whereas the sensible option, my view, is tell them truth!