Physical Involvement

[rx988]

Re: Physical Involvement

@OYMWA

That is all I am saying. During the ristha process how many prospects do you meet? 10, 20 , 30? When you disclose it to all of them, to me, it is no different than putting up on a billboard.

no you should only disclose it to serious prospects not the whole parade.

[rx988]

Re: Physical Involvement

@Reha

That’s not what I believe…its what your religion requires. You have beef with Allah? Take it up with Him.

Rules are not meant for convenience, popularity or to give false sense of securities…they are there to be followed. Not liked…followed.

I wonder why when Islam was sent down to us…Allah swt did not first check with you guys?

I don’t have beef with Allah, astaghifirullah.

[rx988]

Re: Physical Involvement

I can’t believe people are saying that past doesn’t matter on top of it lying is totally permissible lol. This way you shouldn’t even ask if someone is a drug addict or not because once they ask for forgiveness they are not gonna touch drugs again.

[TLK]

@ekumunng:10285846

What I’ve understood from posts here is that if you’re asked this question, then either you

1. refuse to answer
2. lie
3. use the religion card (it’s between me and Allah)

OK I did not go through each post so can’t answer what you said, but aren’t answer 1 and 3, an admittance of a colorful past, anyways.

Ok, let me share the art of effective communication. If you think that direct truth is going to hurt you, always answer a question with a question.

Q. Did you ever sleep with anyone in the past?
A. How is that information going to change how you want to proceed further with this Rishta?

Scenario 1 - Oh it’s not going to change anything. Just asking out of curiosity.
A. Then let’s not go there. Dont you think we have beyter things to explore than to start digging up old graves?

Scenario 2 - Oh it will change everything. I can’t be with a person who had relationships in the past.
A. And I can’t be with a person, with whom my future is conditional to my past. (Walk away)

See, that is how you conceal things. No one has to lie. Period.

OK OK I am bull crapping right now. Carry on guys.

[redvelvet]

Re: Physical Involvement

@TLK

**Did you ever sleep with anyone in the past? **

A. How is that information going to change how you want to proceed further with this Rishta?

A. Then let’s not go there. Dont you think we have beyter things to explore than to start digging up old graves?

You’re right; they didn’t lie at all. These two answers are an admission of the affirmative through first defensiveness and then later on dismissal.

[TLK]

No no RV. If someone asked me that question, then my reply per scenario would still be the same even if I actually never had any past relationship.

[S_Punk]

@Jolie:10285837

LOL!

In this day and age, do people actually think grown up women and men go to each other straight up and ask “hey are you a virgin” LOL. Do adults even talk like this? Oh please. A lot of things have changed, people have developed more sophisticated communication skills.

I guess everything here is about doing a trolley parade, ticking a same old standard check list and marrying a person and that’s it, you are done. If you fancy, add a bit of duppatta chewing scene as well in the mix. I’m tempting to assume most people actually don’t even know how courting couples talk and find out about each other.

Most people do know how to talk to potentials… however, theres loads of other things to talk abt. I don’t remember asking my now-husband whether he had girlfriends.. we spoke abt our studies/future goals/friends/activities, conversation just flowed abt any of those thing… i’m assuming most couples do the same. This is not rocket science… u said it urself… we were given reasoning for a purpose - there are certain things that do not need disclosure and certain things do. And again… if someone asks u abt ur past in regards to relationships etc… u have a moral responsibility to be honest when u answer. If u don’t want to answer and u know it’s extremely important for the other person… call it quits, that’s also on ur shoulders. Go find someone else. If someone did that.. most ppl would be smart enough to figure out oh ok.. he must have had some sort of a past. I wouldn’t feel jipped or lied to. If a squeeky clean past is a requirement, don’t pursue said rishta… they’d probably say it upfront anyway, before getting too involved. U still have no room to lie.

Nowhere does Islam say one can lie in that scenario…nor have any of the previous posters advocated lying. I don’t see how everyone is making this a case of ppl promoting lying in the name of Islam.

[S_Punk]

At the end of the day if that question were brought up during convo, directly or indirectly, i have the option not to answer. If a trustworthy relationship hinges on whether someone confess or not… then there are netter prospects out there… for both sides.

[TLK]

@Jolie:10285837

LOL!

In this day and age, do people actually think grown up women and men go to each other straight up and ask “hey are you a virgin” LOL. Do adults even talk like this? Oh please. A lot of things have changed, people have developed more sophisticated communication skills.

Lol lol to you too lady. Aap hanstee bohut hain. And may I say that you have an amazing skill of just picking on words, instead of trying to see what person actually is trying to say.

Aap ke bhalay ke liye keh raha hoon. Meri tou shadi ko 19 saal ho gaye. I have developed all the sophisticated communication skills that I needed. Don’t need more. Ab aap kee baari hai.

[Reha]

Re: Physical Involvement

I think this thread has made me appreciate my husband a little bit more. I really found a one of a kind person…Alhumdulillah.

For the others…if a person’s past has so much bearing in your eyes its best to marry as early as possible…like in your teens maybe. After that, yes…people…everyone will have some sort of a past…minor or major is something Allah swt judges.

Do you have the right to probe in someone’s past? No. Will you? I am sure many will go stumbling in with all kinds of bayhooda questions because its usually the case even in so-called dignified circles. There’s nothing sophisticated about insecurity, jealousy and lack of decorum.

[ekumunng]

Re: Physical Involvement

@TLK

OK I did not go through each post so can’t answer what you said, but aren’t answer 1 and 3, an admittance of a colorful past, anyways.

Ok, let me share the art of effective communication. If you think that direct truth is going to hurt you, always answer a question with a question.

Q. Did you ever sleep with anyone in the past?
A. How is that information going to change how you want to proceed further with this Rishta?

Scenario 1 - Oh it’s not going to change anything. Just asking out of curiosity.
A. Then let’s not go there. Dont you think we have beyter things to explore than to start digging up old graves?

Scenario 2 - Oh it will change everything. I can’t be with a person who had relationships in the past.
A. And I can’t be with a person, with whom my future is conditional to my past. (Walk away)

See, that is how you conceal things. No one has to lie. Period.

OK OK I am bull crapping right now. Carry on guys.

The question was simple, the answer should be simple as well. By counter questioning you are making other party realize that you are hiding something since you have suddenly gone into defensive mode. On top of that you are overreacting and are portraying yourself as very clever which some people may see as cunningness.

And finally you finish the conversation like “na khaiden gay na khaiden dyan gay” meaning there won’t be a match if I’m not in the team; effectively portraying yourself as selfish person and someone who was there just for joyride.

NOTE: above, ‘you’ means some Mr. 123 in another universe and not TLK. Plz don’t take it personal.

Now here is my scenario

Q. Did you ever sleep with anyone in the past?

A. It’s something I wanted to ask you as well, we should definitely discuss this to avoid any misunderstandings in future. We can have this discussion once we know each other bit more and if our families are happy to proceed further.

Now if the question comes again in the future, means that the person really wants to know.

I now have two choices:

1- walk away
2 - if I really into this rishta and find it suitable from every other angle then tell the truth and also ask the same question to that person.

[OYMWA]

Re: Physical Involvement

@ekumunng

The question was simple, the answer should be simple as well. By counter questioning you are making other party realize that you are hiding something since you have suddenly gone into defensive mode. On top of that you are overreacting and are portraying yourself as very clever which some people may see as cunningness.

And finally you finish the conversation like “na khaiden gay na khaiden dyan gay” meaning there won’t be a match if I’m not in the team; effectively portraying yourself as selfish person.

NOTE: above, ‘you’ means some Mr. 123 in another universe and not TLK. Plz don’t take it personal.

Now here is my scenario

Q. Did you ever sleep with anyone in the past?

A. It’s something I wanted to ask you as well, we should definitely discuss this to avoid any misunderstandings in future. We can have this discussion once we know each other bit more and if our families are happy to proceed further.

Now if the question comes again in the future, means that the person really wants to know.

I now have two choices:

1- use this question as excuse and walk away
2 - if I really into this rishta and find it suitable from every other angle then tell the truth and also ask the same question to that person.

You have a 3rd option; take that info and once married, bring it up in every fight with your spouse in the future and make life hell for both of you.

[tubelight]

Re: Physical Involvement

11 pages & still going.
Never knew my thread will become this much famous.

[ekumunng]

Re: Physical Involvement

@Reha

I think this thread has made me appreciate my husband a little bit more. I really found a one of a kind person…Alhumdulillah.

For the others…if a person’s past has so much bearing in your eyes its best to marry as early as possible…like in your teens maybe. After that, yes…people…everyone will have some sort of a past…minor or major is something Allah swt judges.

Do you have the right to probe in someone’s past? No. Will you?** I am sure many will go stumbling in with all kinds of bayhooda questions because its usually the case even in so-called dignified circles. There’s nothing sophisticated about insecurity, jealousy and lack of decorum.**

The ones who are not serious or habitual will ask many other bayhooda questions and reject girls on many other factors. The ones who want a sincere relationship will maintain the decorum and put forward their question/query in a decent manner. That itself should be enough to know the character of the person (or family for that matter).

[ekumunng]

Re: Physical Involvement

@OYMWA

You have a 3rd option; take that info and once married, bring it up in every fight with your spouse in the future and make life hell for both of you.

No one can be sure what issue their spouse will bring up in fights. It can be their colorful past, it can be their income or it can be their family. We cannot cover all corners, can we?

[ekumunng]

Re: Physical Involvement

@tubelight

11 pages & still going.
Never knew my thread will become this much famous.

Your thread finished long time ago… now it’s a different battle all together!

[OYMWA]

Re: Physical Involvement

@ekumunng

No one can be sure what issue their spouse will bring up in fights. It can be their colorful past, it can be their income or it can be their family. We cannot cover all corners, can we?

We cannot; but you can reduce that list by being tactful.

[Reha]

Re: Physical Involvement

@ekumunng

The ones who are not serious or habitual will ask many other bayhooda questions and reject girls on many other factors. The ones who want a sincere relationship will maintain the decorum and put forward their question/query in a decent manner. That itself should be enough to know the character of the person (or family for that matter).

My MIL never pried into my past…she never once asked my parents a single thing even before we married. She knew I was divorced and husband and I were getting to know each other.

Its cheap…there’s no way one can approach this topic without looking cheap.

[ekumunng]

Re: Physical Involvement

@Reha

My MIL never pried into my past…she never once asked my parents a single thing even before we married. She knew I was divorced and husband and I were getting to know each other.

Its cheap…there’s no way one can approach this topic without looking cheap.

For the most part, this issue is probably more important to people who are getting married for the first time. Your MIL did great thing, no one is questioning that. Also you were lawfully married and got divorce, what is there to know more!

And it’s not about knowing the gory details, no sane person will like to have such detailed conversation. A sentence or two are enough.

[TLK]

Re: Physical Involvement

@ekumunng

The question was simple, the answer should be simple as well. By counter questioning you are making other party realize that you are hiding something since you have suddenly gone into defensive mode. On top of that you are overreacting and are portraying yourself as very clever which some people may see as cunningness.

And finally you finish the conversation like “na khaiden gay na khaiden dyan gay” meaning there won’t be a match if I’m not in the team; effectively portraying yourself as selfish person and someone who was there just for joyride.

NOTE: above, ‘you’ means some Mr. 123 in another universe and not TLK. Plz don’t take it personal.

Now here is my scenario

Q. Did you ever sleep with anyone in the past?

A. It’s something I wanted to ask you as well, we should definitely discuss this to avoid any misunderstandings in future. We can have this discussion once we know each other bit more and if our families are happy to proceed further.

Now if the question comes again in the future, means that the person really wants to know.

I now have two choices:

1- walk away
2 - if I really into this rishta and find it suitable from every other angle then tell the truth and also ask the same question to that person.

And which part of "OK OK I am bull crapping right now. Carry on guys" you did not understand?