Re: Physical Involvement
and one day you come back home after work and find your wife missing. You call her and find out that she is in her ‘Maikay’ and you need to be there ASAP. Once there, you find the whole family staring at you and suddenly your Sasur Ji breaks the silence.
*Beta, why didn’t you tell us about this miss XYZ whose lovely emails were found by your wife today!
*
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I missed the whole sentence it seems 
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Sasur Ji would be a fool to allow his daughter to leave her home and come sit in his because she found emails from years ago. Laad uthana alag baat hai but apne haaton se apni aulad ka ghar bigarna alag. No parent should be indulging in such behavior.
If it was my daughter, I’d smack her and send her home. If it was my son…the one I have right now…I’d do the same.
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Reha, if only we had more rational people like you there was no need to have a dedicated *Relationship *forum on GS.
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Your situation is a bit different and doesn’t apply to people who have never been previously married. But even then, you obviously had a past being divorced which I’m sure you voluntarily disclosed to serious prospects. Clearly a previously married person has a past by definition so there was absolutely no reason to discuss details of that past by your husband or MIL. Your husband and MIL were aware you were divorced when they were considering you right? Hence they knew that you had a past and accepted it–they just dont know the details which don’t need to be discussed but they do know you had a past.
I don’t think any reasonable person wants to know exact play by play details of someone’s past, but just being aware whether someone had a past or not when you don’t know the person but is being considered a serious prospect is not a big deal. No need to go into exact details.
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@Reha, I know of two cases…one where the reasons behind a divorce were not questioned and in another case the reasons for divorce were not given even though my friend had asked. In both cases the individuals came to find out about the “past” at a much later point when the marriages had severely deteriorated…and they then realized that had they known about the past (because the spouses committed the same mistakes going into the next marriage)…then they may have decided against marrying them. Granted the individuals could have also lied about their past and presented it in a more favorable light and the truth would have still would turned up later on. During the rishta process, families do try to investigate…maybe ask people within the community what someone’s character is like… Or doing a search online…and in doing so many times the past is mentioned. I understand that it can be uncomfortable to ask about the reasons for a divorce, but I don’t see it as “cheap.” It’s very natural for one to be cautious when making a decision that will impact their entire life.
In hiring an employee…you do have to consider the candidate’s past record. Why is it not such a big deal then? Whether or not the employer believes he/she should still be given a chance is up to them…but it’s a long term decision and the past is addressed. The question in and of itself isn’t “cheap”…as it depends upon the approach too.
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If you were really remorseful about it, you would have deleted those emails. We are not talking about habitual infidelity here. We are talking about someone who has done something in the past and is truly repentant.
Also if my wife goes to her maikay it wont be bollywood, it would be hollywood ( start watching at 1:06):
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My dear friend, nothing is ever deleted from the Internet. There is always something, somewhere that can lead FBI, CIA and your wife to you!
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So how will you ask about pre-marital physical relationships? Or will you just ask about past relationships and if the answer is yes the assume the worst and back off (possibly)?
Just curious.
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/dead
gawd damn
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damn … still going on? brown girls can argue you to death
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If she is as capable as FBI or CIA, you are better off without her.
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RV -
When you get remarried…you are making a commitment in front of Allah to not repeat prior mistakes. Your past should have no bearing on your future intentions.
And it also takes two to tango. Saying that had we known about this person’s past we would never have married them is not an excuse to not try. When both parties are not willing to cooperate…it makes no difference if there was one divorce, 20 or none at all. It won’t work.
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you don’t know desi women then!
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Word!!
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shudder dont remind me! Am so glad I married one of the better ones..
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Oh I wish my wife was in secret service 
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You are the reasonable one here! This is the second time you had said what I said few pages ago, and I appreciate it. I appreciate you for not blindly promoting dishonesty and deceit in the name of Islam just to suit your own agenda. You won’t get a job if sometimes at interviews you refuse to give a simple yes or no answer or try to go round the circles over some question, so why should such dishonesty and manipulation be encouraged in courting process. Honesty is the best policy. If if you start promoting dishonesty in one aspect, it would naturally start creeping into other spheres as well. It’s a slippery slop. So how about an 100% honesty policy?
Yes, we can sit here and discuss whether it’s necessary to know such information or not is pointless because at the end of the day it is individual’s choice and right to know the truth. Whether they should use such information against an otherwise suitable suitor is also their choice, but we can hope and encourage that make a reasonable choice. This is how things should be. I certainly believe in giving good people a chance, but at the same time, no one has the right to dictate any standards for anyone or decide what things are important to know, and what aren’t. Different people, different personalities, different requirements.
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As if promoting dishonesty and deceit in the name of Islam, being too ashamed and embarrassed of your past that you fear rejection, and hence withhold information or just simply lying about it is not insecurity?
Okay maybe people who want to know about such things are insecure when stepping into a new relationship with a person they had no prior contact. And? Life is not a Bollywood movie where you do the trolley parade, wind starts blowing and violin starts playing when you see your potential, realise he’s the one and within a week, you are married!
For some people, it takes quite a long of time to get secure in a relationship despite the apparent attraction. We are not talking about 40 plus folks who decide to re-marry hence knew from the very first day what practicalities matter and how not to repeat the past. Courting can be a very tricky situation for most young couple who are trying to settle down for the first time. They go through phases of lots of new emotions, youthful curiosity, highs and lows and drama.
Honestly, most adults who had seen the world outside of their immediate families and rishta aunties do hold the right communications skills to talk about sensitive topics in a mature and discreet manner at an appropriate point , and turn it into an all round interesting conversation if they are lucky. I genuinely feel sorry for anyone who was asked such beyhooda questions during trolley parade or via text message.
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Hey LADY!
I ASKED THIS BEFORE AND ASKING AGAIN, SINCE YOU ARE THE ONE MAKING IT SEEM LIKE NON-DISCLOSURE IS SORT OF A 6TH PILLAR OF ISLAM.
SO PLEASE, KINDLY PROVIDE SOME REFERENCES AS TO ISLAMIC RULE WHICH STATES THAT IT IS PROHIBITED TO DISCLOSE ONLY PAST RELATIONSHIPS VICTIMLESS SINS
I asked before, but you seem to ignore such posts. Apologize for using CAPS.