I'm surprised that nobody is suggesting you speak to you parents
No parents will take someone else's side when their child is not comfortable in a situation. .
I hope my assumptions are wrong but given what she has shared about her parents attitude towards her and this marriage so far.....I have no reason to believe that their daughter's safety or "feelings" are their #1 concern.
Im engaged and my fiance had a fight with his elder sister, and he hit her. Later on I found out he even hit his younger sister and even pushed aside his mother during one of the fights...that's rough. My parents know about it but they din't react to it, dint even say anything.
When the proposal came, my mother din't really give me an option to say 'no'. She just told me that Im saying yes, and I said 'jab ap han ker rahi hain to mujhsy kia pooch rahi hain' and she replied 'main pooch nahi rahi bata rahi hun'. .
Yes Muzna, inshAllah I’ll let you people know how it goes!
Paheli: You’re right but still they’re my parents and I cant get anything done without talking to them…as for the proposal thing, that’s common here for parents to assume the daughter will be fine with any proposal they accept. Whatsoever, Im going to talk to them and tell them everything. They aren’t very happy with this rishta either now so let me see first how it goes. If they’re unwilling to discontinue then I’ll decide how to convince them.
I wish I had realized all this in an earlier time when he used to tell me ‘ager tum mery sy khush nahi ho to bata do main khud inkar ker dun ga tumhary py koi baat nahi anay dun ga’…as opposed to now that he says itni asani sy jan nahi chutay gi :sigh:
Paheli: You're right but still they're my parents and I cant get anything done without talking to them...as for the proposal thing, that's common here for parents to assume the daughter will be fine with any proposal they accept. Whatsoever, Im going to talk to them and tell them everything. They aren't very happy with this rishta either now so let me see first how it goes. If they're unwilling to discontinue then I'll decide how to convince them.
Oh no, I wasn't trying to imply that you shouldn't talk to them. Obviously you can't break the engagement without telling them your reasons for it. I simply wrote my statement earlier to mean that due to their attitude so far, that's why I personally didn't advise you earlier to "discuss" this with them. There is a big difference between "discussing" this with them to figure out what should be done.....and letting them know that you have serious concerns for your safety and will not marry this man. Just like your mother said.....this isn't about "asking"....it's more like "informing" them of a decision.
Of course I hope that they support your decision. But I think you also need to be ready for the chance that they might not support you. With or without their support, you need to be ready to do whatever it takes so this marriage doesn't happen b/c God has given you PLENTY of red flags to let you know that this is not a good idea.
BTW, you mentioned it's common for parents to arranged marriages with asking their children's opinion where you're from. The fact that your parents didn't raise any concerns knowing that he hit his 2 sisters and shoved his mother.....is that (ie. HIS behavior) also common in your area?
Not really...by the wedding thing I meant its common for the desi conservative parents here in pakistan to do that....as for his behaviour, I haven't heard or seen anybody in my family behave like that ever!
I'll try to discuss it with them first and see if they have any reasons for not supporting my decision, if they dont support it. I did reject another proposal earlier but I did that without being asked, and I was just stubborn, but then things hadn't finalized with that so it was easier. Lets hope for the best!
It's natural to want things to work out when your in love, but it sounds like he has you scared stiff, and that doesn't leave a good foreshadow for the future married life.
Moreover, even though it seems huge now, breaking an engagement with this man is going to be much easier than living with him in a marriage. There is no justification for his behavior, he's abusive and sounds very insecure and controlling, and my take based on what you reported is it is not going to get better, the longer you take to get away from him the worse its going to get. If he is physically abusing his family today, then tomorrow you are going to be in his immediate family and that behavior is going to quickly transfer over to you, it would be a miracle if he spared you. But since you are not there yet... be positive I think you realizing it even today is a blessing from Allah, if I were you I would take it as a sign to get out before it is too late. Everyone has given you really good advice, I think you need to really convince your parents, once you have their support you will feel stronger.
Also if he lives nearby you may want to be absent from home before you deliver the news, go to the home of another relative until he has registered what happened and "cooled" down, it may not be safe for you to be home, since you mentioned he has made verbal threats against you. come back when you feel safe, and always keep your whereabouts confidential from him after that. Good luck!
BTW what you are going through has a name its called domestic violence....
Pretty much what everyone is saying. Consider these red flags a blessing. This guy and his family have way too many issues. They will not treat you with respect after marriage either. And if the guy can raise his hand on his sisters/mom for you, he can definitely raise his hand on you for the same mom/sisters. You might think 8 months is a long time, but trust me...8 months is nothing. Esp nothing compared to a lifetime worth of mess. You need to tell your parents that you cannot live with this guy as he has anger issues and that you deserve someone who treats you better than this drama. This whole 'I'm mad so I won't reply to your text' drama is too 15 year old and does not suit a grown man. The guy seems very immature. Trust me, this is not the life you, or any girl for that matter, deserve.
Also if he lives nearby you may want to be absent from home before you deliver the news, go to the home of another relative until he has registered what happened and "cooled" down, it may not be safe for you to be home, since you mentioned he has made verbal threats against you. come back when you feel safe, and always keep your whereabouts confidential from him after that. Good luck!
BTW what you are going through has a name its called domestic violence....
He hasn't really made any threats, i dont consider saying 'asani sy jan nahi chutay gi' to be a threat really...but I do live at just 15 minutes distance away from his house...its not possible for me to keep my whereabouts confidential...
Nobody is going to leave me alone on this…all the family is going to come and keep asking why the engagement broke, my parents are not really going to side me and I dont know if I can endure all this torture
At the end of the day it is yourchoice, your at a fork you either keep going down the lane your going and keep getting hurt, or you move on. yeah (your parents and him) they will be hurt by your desicion, but you're not being selfish your looking after your emotional health, and your saving yourself from a bigger heartache...getting out after marriage is going to be messier. Have an older cousin, or sibling speak on your behalf? Confide in who you trust first.
What a drama!! Only you can make this decision. But from what I've read, there are more negatives than positives here.
And to be asking for jaheiz is disgusting. I mean who does that?!
P.S. Just to make it very clear - I wasn't trying to justify his abuse (some of the posters have picked up on this and are probably referring to my post). I was talking about his moods and not his actions.
He pushed his mother!!!! Hit his sisters!!!!
Don't become another statistic, it's your life it's in your hands.
Allah is benevolent and He will help you.
Take care of yourself. No one else will!
I don't care how stressed out someone is, getting physically violent with his sisters and mother is inexcusable!!! Do you not see how this could easily be you one day?
And demanding jahez? It sounds like your worth is being based on how much you bring.
Too many red flags here for my liking. Sonch samaj ke aagay barna. Abhi bhi kuch nahi bigra hai. Nikkah/Shaadi ke baad kuch nahin karpaogi.
I agree 100%. OP.read and re- read your postc#9 answer will be obvious.
