i think that in that scenario, both DIL and the husband should confront the mother and tell her shes wrong. MIL should apologize and not repeat the same things again. if its done over and over, the DIL has every right to cut of ties with the MIL and ignore her plain and simple. thats what I would do.
You are coming across very bitter and rude. It looks like you do not understand the parents value and elderly status... It basically means that those 2 old people raised the husband and fulfilled all his needs when he was young. The mom stood up whole night to take care of ur husband. You are expected to respect your husband's parents as a good wife. They sacrificed and compromise a lot to provide him all the necessity.
Do you talk back with your parents on every issue? If your sister-in-law misbehaved with your parents in a manner which is unforgivable, how can you even stand it?
I am talking about parents here in this thread...
In this scenario, the wife was NEVER abused, harassed, or treated unfairly by the husband's parents....
i think that in that scenario, both DIL and the husband should confront the mother and tell her shes wrong. MIL should apologize and not repeat the same things again. if its done over and over, the DIL has every right to cut of ties with the MIL and ignore her plain and simple. thats what I would do.
In most cases you can't get rid of the MIL completely even if you live separately from in-laws. Reason being that the MIL is your husband's mother and the grandmother of your kids. You can choose to maintain a civil distance from her. But cutting her out completely to where you never speak to her nor inquire about her in circumstances such as illness, accidents, etc....will hurt your spouse, your marriage, your kids. As I said before....it has a domino-effect where you are not the only one effected. Just as persistent badtameezi from MIL has a domino-effect......strict avoidance or cold shoulder will also have a domino effect; they are both extreme behaviors. I think that a middle ground.....where one doesn't cut off ties but maintains a civil/polite distance....would be better and should not be so hard to manage if one is not living with in-laws.
You are coming across very bitter and rude. It looks like you do not understand the parents value and elderly status... It basically means that those 2 old people raised the husband and fulfilled all his needs when he was young. The mom stood up whole night to take care of ur husband. You are expected to respect your husband's parents as a good wife. They sacrificed and compromise a lot to provide him all the necessity.
EVERY mother does that, ** but that does not give you the right to disrespct your son's wife. **
[quote]
Do you talk back with your parents on every issue? If your sister-in-law misbehaved with your parents in a manner which is unforgivable, how can you even stand it?
[/quote]
anyone who misbehaves is wrong, be it sister inlaw, mother inlaw, fatherinlaw, or the daughter inlaw. All i am saying is that you cannot expect a daughter inlaw to show respect when her mother inlaw doesn't show any!
[quote]
I am talking about parents here in this thread...
In this scenario, the wife was NEVER abused, harassed, or treated unfairly by the husband's parents....
[/QUOTE]
if the wife was NEVER mistreated in anyway yet she is mean to them, then shes wrong. *however, if the DIL was disrespected, then she has every right to act this way.
*
The girl is making her husband to respect her parents but she is doing the opposite to his parents...
Leave it be, BB. If this girl is a close friend or relative of yours and you share good rapport with her, you can gently tell her that if she refuses reciprocate respect to his parents, then she will risk losing her husband one day or severely strain her marriage. If you can't do that...leave things alone. What we put forth eventually catches up with us at some point.
if the wife was NEVER mistreated in anyway yet she is mean to them, then shes wrong. *however, if the DIL was disrespected, then she has every right to act this way.
*
Let's talk about this "right" issue. Exercising your "right" or "haq" can become a transgression if that right hurts or deprives others. This is what you are not understanding because you are so stuck on "exercising my right to cut off ties" that you fail to see....or perhaps deliberately choose not to see....the consequences of this decision.
Ask your husband if he would be totally okay with you "cutting ties" with his mother if she persistently disrespects you......and let's see what he says. Cutting ties means that you will never greet your MIL with salam if you see her.....you will never talk to her on the phone let alone in person.......you will never enquire about her if she's ailing or on her deathbed .....you will never offer condolences if a relation of hers passes away.......you will never acknowledge her in front of your kids....etc etc. Now do you really think your husband....hypothetically speaking.....would be okay with this? Do you really think him and your kids and your marriage won't be affected?
Now if you're gonna tell me "That's too extreme. I would still try to be polite but keep a distance." Then you are admitting what I said earlier............that maintaining a civil distance would be a better idea as opposed to completely "cutting ties" and hurting others just to preserve your sanity. And while you may see this as your "right" ....it has the potential to become a transgression.
Let's talk about this "right" issue. Exercising your "right" or "haq" can become a transgression if that right hurts or deprives others. This is what you are not understanding because you are so stuck on "exercising my right to cut off ties" that you fail to see....or perhaps deliberately choose not to see....the consequences of this decision.
Ask your husband if he would be totally okay with you "cutting ties" with his mother if she persistently disrespects you......and let's see what he says. Cutting ties means that you will never greet your MIL with salam if you see her.....you will never talk to her on the phone let alone in person.......you will never enquire about her if she's ailing or on her deathbed .....you will never offer condolences if a relation of hers passes away.......you will never acknowledge her in front of your kids....etc etc. Now do you really think your husband....hypothetically speaking.....would be okay with this? Do you really think him and your kids and your marriage won't be affected?
Now if you're gonna tell me "That's too extreme. I would still try to be polite but keep a distance." Then you are admitting what I said earlier............that maintaining a civil distance would be a better idea as opposed to completely "cutting ties" and hurting others just to preserve your sanity. And while you may see this as your "right" ....it has the potential to become a transgression.
well i personally avoided this whole fiasco by breaking off my engagement to the guy whos mother was disrespectful to me. but not all women are fortunate enough to see their mother inlaws true colors before marriage and get stuck with those people for the rest of their lives. by cutting off ties, i basically meant keeping a good distance just like you mentioned here.
Leave it be, BB. If this girl is a close friend or relative of yours and you share good rapport with her, you can gently tell her that if she refuses reciprocate respect to his parents, then she will risk losing her husband one day or severely strain her marriage. If you can't do that...leave things alone. What we put forth eventually catches up with us at some point.
I am asked to not to talk to the girl.... I stand by this decision. The girl has been misbehaving for a while now, one of the parents, in this case is dad, is blaming her upbringing and big mouth. I do think that she does deserve this "narazgi" attitude so she understands that it is a risky business to keep insulting husband's family because they have respect too. Her husband gives much respect to his in-laws but why can't she reciprocate? The couple lives 5 min away from girl's family as she initiated the move to this place with her hubby. I wanted to know agar yeh narazgi jaiz hai?....
To Bella about the "elderly status" and its significance on extra respect as opposed to the MIL that you keep pointing out:
Mother-In-Law has lived way before than the Daughter-In-Law with her husband
They have more experience of life than you so it automatically gives them more respect just like work atmosphere
We should at least try our best to be polite and respectful to husband's parents because they have gained wisdom over the years and know more about life than we do.
Aging makes elderly less able to determine what comments are ok and which are not.
Elderly people gets crabby with an old age because they are dealing with lots of issues from health and social standards
Maa k paoun mein jaannat hai... Allah ko parents ki narazgi pasand nahi....
Parents aur biwi mein zameen asman ka faraq hai
Why does the DIL wants to be rude to the parents? Why can't she politely discuss? Why does she have to use improper behavior such as foul language and disrespect?
At any cost physical abuse, harassment, disrespectful language, and any type of torture is unacceptable that can lead to life threatening damages from both DIL and MIL. The age doesn't give them the right to abuse DIL.... The problem we are discussing here is that the DIL is NOT respecting the parents... This is not a MIL AND DIL thread.. A lot of times DIL overlook their mistakes and don't want to share their husband with his family... This is a very common problem in our culture.
If elders in family misbehave, then reaction from younger people should not be harsh or disrespectful at all.
Being quiet, humble, avoiding conflict, staying respectful and caring for elderly should be the right thing to do...at all cost.
It really depends on how intense the disrespectfulness is... In any case, physical abuse and brutality shouldn't be allowed... DIL deserves respect too ... My topic revolves only around giving respect to the parents and what is expected from the wife.
I think some elders feel almost anything can be disrespectful so it depends on the individual situation for me..
When I was small it used to be tradition for a new bride to touch the mother and father inlaws feet when entering the new home.. Not doing that would be considered disrespectul.. I would never have done that but if people have a problem with it that's their issue not mine.. Asking permission from elders to leave the house is something I wouldn't do either.. or agree to always wear a dupatta or let them choose my future baby's name.. All of those can of course by considered disrespectful by some ppl.. The most common thing I've come across tho is when an elder makes a negative comment about a younger person and they answer back instead of keeping quiet..
IF either of my parents said something nasty to my husband I wouldn't blame him one bit if he stood up for himself and answered back.. They might be family but that doesn't give them the right to be mean or put anyone down.. I don't believe in blind loyalty to anyone..
SO, BSB, she didn't apologize or change her behavior? You've changed your story during the course of this thread.
No, I am consistent with the story.. She did apologize but has been disrespecting for a while. The parents aren't forgiving her now since she has made it as a habit. They are blaming her upbringing. How can she change her behavior when that's how she is? "Uses foul language and doesn't understand the age difference, only want her husband to respect her parents but she doesn't respect his"...
No, I am consistent with the story.. She did apologize but has been disrespecting for a while. The parents aren't forgiving her now since she has made it as a habit. They are blaming her upbringing. How can she change her behavior when that's how she is? "Uses foul language and doesn't understand the age difference, only want her husband to respect her parents but she doesn't respect his"...
If she's making a genuine effort, and there has been some change/progress, then I think the parents are wrong in cutting her off. I don't feel it is ever right to burn bridges like that. I can understand how they don't wan to be hurt again, but people do change.
Forgiveness is encouraged by Allah. And one of the most hated sins in the eyes of God is cutting oneself off from one's family.
I don't really like to repeat myself, but hope you understand what i mean BSB!
lol. This is life1 BSB, you will find a thousand justifications/logical explanations for why the DIL might have done that and also to somehow put the blame on the parents. So its kind of futile asking the general populace here.
You will find a lot of support for such behaviour in life1.
Even if you clearly mention that the DIL is at fault, the reply you get is what if the MIL disrespected her (which you stated didn't happen)......Hope you get my point now!!!
I don't really like to repeat myself, but hope you understand what i mean BSB!
Even if you clearly mention that the DIL is at fault, the reply you get is what if the MIL disrespected her (which you stated didn't happen)......Hope you get my point now!!!
Yes, it make sense that everyone here is a DIL so they'd not see my point regarding respecting the husband's parents. They are finding justification in her faults.... Sad world we live in!
Yes, it make sense that everyone here is a DIL so they'd not see my point regarding respecting the husband's parents. They are finding justification in her faults.... Sad world we live in!
Or you're just selectively reading what's being said.