Re: Pakistani girls marrying outside their ethnicity/culture???????
inter-racial or not... same culture or not.
U need to figure out what matters to u most in the relationship. So far, you have said that your culture, language, heritage, family matter to you way more than him.. I may be completely wrong, but thats what your posts have come across as... You have to see how much this matters to you. It seems him being interested in you and being muslim isnt enough.
If you're going to go ahead with this, you need to be 100% sure and there for him... not walk away as soon as things get rough.
I dont understand why people date and all that and then think about what parents are goign to think... and how they will upset their parents if they get married to such a such person. Should this not be thought of before dating?
Sorry, I may be making a lot of assumptions here.... i apologise for that.
Think it through properly. You need to stand by your man if you decide to go ahead with it.
Re: Pakistani girls marrying outside their ethnicity/culture???????
When I first saw him, I was like, "wow! He's handsome!" but that's all, I never thought we would actually get close.We were friends for over a year first and it just sort of blossomed.
I'm prepared to fight for him.But it's not just my parents.It's my grandparents,aunts,uncles etc etc Even if my parents do agree, my extended family would probably be against it.Like I said no one in my family have married outside the race.
I'm from a household where I wasn't allowed to hang out or be friends with Goras because they will "lead me astray"
My culture is very important to me because it's who you truly are. If you lose your culture then you lose yourself along the way. He and I have discussed from the beginning that we would raise our kids as Muslims and what that would entail. We have spent a lot of time discussing how we envision our future and making sure that our dreams are compatible (which they are... big time!). But I've had a lot of Pakistanis telling me the same things as Deewani :p
I'm going to introduce the idea really slowly to my parents and try it that way. It tends to work better than lumping everything on them at once I suppose.
Re: Pakistani girls marrying outside their ethnicity/culture???????
OP: I loooove hearing stories of interracial marriages. He sounds like a genuine guy and if you really love him and feel you can be happy with him - you should def fight for him.
It probably will be very tough but you can get through just be persistent.
One of my afghan friends was in love with a lebanese-australian guy and she had to fight for him. Her family were not necessarily conservative but closed to the idea of marrying a non-afghan. The toughest hurdle was getting approval from her extended family - they were the harshest critics. At one point she said to me that she would just elope if her family didnt agree but she didnt want it to get to that.
After lots of prayer and convincing she got approval from the family. It helped that he was a convert and was very humble when he came to visit her family. They could tell he was a very genuine person.
So, there's hope. Inshallah if its better for you Allah swt will make it work. :)
Re: Pakistani girls marrying outside their ethnicity/culture???????
If you people ever get to study the muslim communities who migrated to western countries and south america in the 19th and early 20th century, you will find out that nearly all of the muslims got assimilated and lost their heritage+religion by the 3rd or 4th generation. The same thing is going to happen to you people whether you like it or not unless you move out of these non muslim countries. Most of you people in these countries are in various stages of westernization whether you admit it or not. Regarding this girl, there is alot of honest advice whether this girl shoudl go ahead with such a marriage with people worrying about which culture the children will follow. What I say is that the next generation will anyways loose their "Pakistaniyat" wther her husband is of the same background or not...and more so with each generation. This should not be major concern or surprise. If you have chosen to adopt these countries then adopt them wholeheartly and assimilate....
(This is coming from a 3rd generation ex/Western Pakistani who shifted back to Pakistan 45 years after his grandfather first set foot in Europe)
Re: Pakistani girls marrying outside their ethnicity/culture???????
dont do it. seriously dont. get over him. you will not be happy in the future. i am sure you are a wonderful person and will inshallah find yourself a religious, charming, and educated pakistani.
this is just infatuation right now. 10 years from now (if u are even still together [harsh i know]) you are going to hate your life. you are going to wish ur hubby knew about pakistani culture, knew urdu, understood things the way u did, have the same upbringing as u did, have that fun sasural life, the fun family life.
if u are madly in love, then well i wouldnt know. but if there is ANY doubt in your mind, please please dont make the mistake of doing this.
i feel like im so mean saying all this but i just really want to help
Re: Pakistani girls marrying outside their ethnicity/culture???????
Its hard but at the end...its what you make of it.
Some people I know have married non-Pakistanis and honestly...it doesn't matter in the end. If he is a good man it won't matter what color he is because he is Muslim. It won't matter what language he speaks because he is Muslim. That is the only language that should matter to you. We have some non-Pakistani family members and they're all genuine and nice people...something that is valued more than cracking a few Urdu jokes every now and then.
Its difficult finding a good guy to marry...when Allah swt gives you something and you walk away because of a condition that doesn't even matter to Him...it means you're na-shukri.
On the other hand...if you feel you cannot be a good partner for him then you need to leave him. Going through with this will mean he will rely on you for a lot of support and if you cannot provide that...let him go.
Re: Pakistani girls marrying outside their ethnicity/culture???????
Right so, I'm British Pakistani and I want to marry a non-Pakistani guy(well he kinda 'proposed' to me). He is half Italian and half Brazilian (Muslim revert). He is breathtakingly handsome, polite nice guy and he knows how to appreciate me. I have learned to speak fluent Italian and a bit of Portuguese. But why are Pakistanis against it? They are looking down on me saying things such as I'm betraying my ethnicity :(
There are hills and mountains between us.Also at the same time ,I love my culture and language, so I'm afraid of losing my heritage and not passing it on to my kids.Furthermore, I'm worried that my parents will struggle to communicate with him.Not to mention the difference in culture.So yeah, don't know what to do?
Btw I'm Kashmiri (Mirpuri), my family are pretty traditional, backwards and narrow-minded.None of my female relatives have married outside the stupid caste nevermind the race.If i marry him, I'm certainly not looking forward to the gossiping fearsome aunties.
Pakistanis ,would you marry outside your ethnicity? What do you honestly think about girls that marry non-Pakistanis? Should I go ahead?
For me, my own ethnicity is the first preference but if I don't find any then I will definitely go for whatever is available. the way you describe that person, I think he is not much different than your own ethnicity (except the language) and you should go for him.
Re: Pakistani girls marrying outside their ethnicity/culture???????
I have 3 sisters. One is married to a Jew. The other is married to an African American Christian. The third one is still in college and is going out with a Russian and he is an atheist. They are all happy. So it is possible.
Pakistani girls marrying outside their ethnicity/culture???????
My great nan was black african and great nana pakistani. He died when my nani was around 5. She knew nothing but her african culture didnt speak a word of hindko/punjabi.. Married my nana a migrant frm pak to africa..back in the late 1940's.. They were married for 30+ years until my nana died. My mother has mixed parentage. My dad was 100% pakistani. Cultural differences are always a shock and take abit of getting used For each side. Im engaged to a giy whose more punjabi inclinded due to the mother having a stronger influence when growing up.. Its abit of a change to me as i speak hindko and mainly english so i stick to english lol.! Also their family is abit different even in the wedding preps i had a 'sagan' whereas we call the bringing of engagement stuff a Jorra. Thr list goes on.!
Most importantly you need to a) sit down anf think right is he the one for me, forget his looks, his culture his heritage etc is he the RIGHT person for u. If yes then talk to your family. Its important u involve them. Without causing any offense i know how backwards mirpuris can be. I live in Birmingham we have a massive mirpuri community and they tend to 'stick to their own' i have loads of friends who r mp but stick to mp only lol.! My cousin marrief a mirpuri it came as a shock to her after the honeymoon period wore offf.! But i do knw of some who r more modern and open minded now.!
If hes in your kismat the Allah will show u a path towards it all falling into place but again if ur sure he is the one for u then get ur persuasive cap on.! And start fighting ur corner lol.! Main thing is hes a Muslim.!
Re: Pakistani girls marrying outside their ethnicity/culture???????
InElegance:
1) You should've thought about all this before you started dating the guy and led him to believe that marriage was a real possibility (since he proposed to you, that leads me to believe that you two dated and he was lead to believe that this relationship was leading to marriage).
2) I know MANY Pakistanis married to Pakistanis, Indian's married to Indians, Mexicans married to Mexicans etc.....yet their kids don't know anything about their own culture! On the filp side, I know several mixed couples where the kids are very well aware of BOTH cultures. Having a Pakistani husband doesn't guarantee anything. Regardless of your husband's background, if you want your children exposed to Pakistani culture....then you can do it. Yes it will be more difficult....but not impossible.
3) Who the heck cares what aunties and other random people think? You're not a teenager are you? Don't be so concerned about other people gossiping. Learn to live your own life. The ONLY people that matter are your own family and his. As long as your family and his family are ok with this union, then go for it.
On a side note: I married outside my culture. I know quite a few other couples who did the same. No one had it "easy". There were plenty of fights and tears involved in all the mixed unions I know. But once the wedding was over, everyone got on track and started behaving (at least among the couples I know). Families always put pressure and try emotional blackmail to break the couple up in the beginning. Once the wedding is done, no desi parents wants their daughter or son divorced.......hence the drama goes down to a minimum or dissappears. (Note: This is my experience with the people I know...I realize not everyone reacts this way).
When I meet someone who married outside their culture (especially desis), I think "wow....good for them! They fought for the person they loved and choose their own life partner". Being in a mixed marriage myself, I know first-hand how difficult the journey was that lead upto my wedding day. Hence when I see other desi mixed couples....I have nothing but respect for them.
sorry, off topic, but Paheli didn't you say in another post that you married a desi guy? maybe i'm remembering wrong...
Re: Pakistani girls marrying outside their ethnicity/culture???????
^ Yes, you're remembering right. :) Without going into details....hubby and I are both desi....but totally different "types". He was born/raised in the U.S. in a very gora area (I came to U.S. as a pre-teen). So he's pretty much a gora guy stuck in a desi guy's body. However, the language, culture, traditions etc. of our parents are TOTALLY different. Hence I deal with the same issue that someone marrying a non-desi deals with.
Re: Pakistani girls marrying outside their ethnicity/culture???
I’m not talking about 2 Pakistanis marrying each other…and 1 being brought up outside of Pakistan. I just threw that bit in to clarify my hubby isn’t your typical desi (he only speaks English, will eat desi food if given but doesn’t crave it or miss it, and knows VERY little about desi culture). I’m talking about 2 desis whose ethnic backgrounds are totally different.
Why does marrying a gora cause issues? It’s more that the person being white. Even when the gora converts to Islam, tt’s the difference in culture/traditions etc. With parents/extended families…many time there are language barriers. Obviously the desi and the gora in the relationship have an “understanding”…otherwise they wouldn’t have dated and gotten to a point where they want to marry each other. The “issues” arise when families get involved due to the differences in CULTURE. And for the record: my hubby was brought up in the U.S. but our parents certainly weren’t. Issues in my marriage aren’t necessarily between hubby and I b/c we sorted out our differences before we even agreed to marry each other.
I know several close people (desis) who married goras including 1 of my khalas. And other than myself, I know 1 other “mixed-desi” couple. I’ll use her as an example. She’s Telugu but her hubby is Gujrati. Both technically desi and hindu. They have an “understanding” and worked out their differences among themselves. When they told their parents they wanted to marry each other, all hell broke loose. It took them almost 2 YEARS to plan the wedding. Why? B/C of differences in culture/tradition between her Telugu family and his Gujrati family. Hers doesn’t speak a single word in Gujrati and his doesn’t doesn’t speak a single word in Telugu. The only language both sides can communicate in is English (same situtaion desis marrying goras face). Despite both being Hindu, their weddings…even something as simple as their mangal sutras or how many time they walk around the fire it totally different. Their food is different. Their wedding attire is different. The list goes on and on. She knows that if she wants her children to learn Telugu and the South Indian culture, she must do it on her own with her family’s help (same goes for his Gujrati heritage). They went through hell to get married…and are expecting drama even when kids enter the picture. Yet at the end…technically they’re both desi.
Desis who marry within their own community or someone very similar (ie. Pakistani’s marrying Pakistani’s, Punjabis marrying Punjabis, Bengalis marrying Bengalis etc.) don’t generally face the issue mentioned above. Among desis, with so many variations across the subcontinent, the specific cultures/communities/traditions etc. can be TOTALLY different…so different that the people involved might as well be 2 different races…b/c their skin color doesn’t help lessen the stress/tension at all. It might be rare…but it does and can happen.
When the Telugu girl I know and I talk to other desi couples…we feel we have a lot more in common with desis who married a gora or someone from a totally different background…because based on our personal experience in dealing with our choice in spouse, many of the issues/conflicts we face are the same ones that are faced by desis who marry someone who’s not desi. Again…this is based on my personal experience and may not reflect others who experience something totally different.
Re: Pakistani girls marrying outside their ethnicity/culture???????
I'm not talking about 2 Pakistanis marrying each other...and 1 being brought up outside of Pakistan. I just threw that bit in to clarify my hubby isn't your typical desi (he only speaks English, will eat desi food if given but doesn't crave it or miss it, and knows VERY little about desi culture). I'm talking about 2 desis whose ethnic backgrounds are totally different.
Why does marrying a gora cause issues? It's more that the person being white. Even when the gora converts to Islam, tt's the difference in culture/traditions etc. With parents/extended families...many time there are language barriers. Obviously the desi and the gora in the relationship have an "understanding"...otherwise they wouldn't have dated and gotten to a point where they want to marry each other. The "issues" arise when families get involved due to the differences in CULTURE. And for the record: my hubby was brought up in the U.S. but our parents certainly weren't. Issues in my marriage aren't necessarily between hubby and I b/c we sorted out our differences before we even agreed to marry each other.
I know several close people (desis) who married goras including 1 of my khalas. And other than myself, I know 1 other "mixed-desi" couple. I'll use her as an example. She's Telugu but her hubby is Gujrati. Both technically desi and hindu. They have an "understanding" and worked out their differences among themselves. When they told their parents they wanted to marry each other, all hell broke loose. It took them almost 2 YEARS to plan the wedding. Why? B/C of differences in culture/tradition between her Telugu family and his Gujrati family. Hers doesn't speak a single word in Gujrati and his doesn't doesn't speak a single word in Telugu. The only language both sides can communicate in is English (same situtaion desis marrying goras face). Despite both being Hindu, their weddings....even something as simple as their mangal sutras or how many time they walk around the fire it totally different. Their food is different. Their wedding attire is different. The list goes on and on. She knows that if she wants her children to learn Telugu and the South Indian culture, she must do it on her own with her family's help (same goes for his Gujrati heritage). They went through hell to get married.....and are expecting drama even when kids enter the picture. Yet at the end....technically they're both desi.
Desis who marry within their own community or someone very similar (ie. Pakistani's marrying Pakistani's, Punjabis marrying Punjabis, Bengalis marrying Bengalis etc.) don't generally face the issue mentioned above. Among desis, with so many variations across the subcontinent, the specific cultures/communities/traditions etc. can be TOTALLY different....so different that the people involved might as well be 2 different races...b/c their skin color doesn't help lessen the stress/tension at all. It might be rare....but it does and can happen.
When the Telugu girl I know and I talk to other desi couples....we feel we have a lot more in common with desis who married a gora or someone from a totally different background......because based on our personal experience in dealing with our choice in spouse, many of the issues/conflicts we face are the same ones that are faced by desis who marry someone who's not desi. Again....this is based on my personal experience and may not reflect others who experience something totally different.
uh yah parents understand each other sounds soo difficult...
it doesn't matter if he's a gora inside a desi body since he still looks Pakistani which means that even though he can't speak the language people will come up to him and try to speak Punjab or Urdu while with having a partner who is a foreigner the desi guy/girl will always be given the check or they have to play invisible because the family/stranger (of that ethnicity) doesn't accept foreigners.
I don't know I just take a bit of an offense to someone saying "oh but our culture is totally different" but people don't judge you for whats in you they judge you by what they see..
and if you walk in Pak with your husband silently I bet nobody will think twice about it.
Re: Pakistani girls marrying outside their ethnicity/culture???????
Kakee, that's not always true, although I do get your point. People do find it easier to get along if they're from the same nationalities.
BUT I've also seen this culture difference, it's a lot more subtle than just having two different nationalities or religions.
A lot of UK-born Pakistanis tend to look down on those who have married Pakistanis who were brought up from 'back home' and then came over. I know so many cases where a girl who was brought up in the UK has married someone from Pakistan, and yes, although the couple themselves don't care, they get judged for it. This attitude is becoming more and more common these days than say, 10 years ago.
My eldest sister married one of our relatives from Pakistan, he came over to London after they got married. There was a big culture difference yes, but they were able to work with it because they were both willing to. What was not nice was relatives choosing to see this as a bad thing, or that she 'could have done better' etc etc.
What my point is, although my sister and her hubby were hubby, people DID make remarks about marrying someone from what is technically a different upbringing.
I am not so sure about that…
