Pakistani born/raised women want controlling men?

Lifestyle Relationships
41

Very nice sentiments expressed in your post amir saheb however, I have a question about the piece that I have quoted above.

Who are we to say that it is better for her to do the job of looking after the house and kids? Perhaps she would like to do that AND have a career. Perhaps she is capable enough to do both.

Even if she is not 100% at both career and home management but she is a happier and more fulfilled person when she is doing both then who are we to prioritize for her?

42

Again....some very valid and some very interesting viewpoints.

Could you please clarify what you mean by "bosses men around at work......aint gonna work at home."

Is this comment coming from an situation where you have seen a woman "bossing" her husband around at home? What makes you think that her behaviour results from her experience at work?

Btw...I'm not condoning the behaviour.....just trying to understand your perspective.

43

No. I disagree. The divorce rate does not.

Let's explore this....let's talk about the obvious....Pakistan.
I believe the implication is that people do not get divorced in Pakistan because women are homemakers.

This is nothing but hogwash.

While there is definitely impact on a relationship when both partners are working, you cannot directly relate this impact to the divorce rate being low where both are not.

A bigger reason why the divorce rate is low in countries like Pakistan is becuase of the social taboo that comes with being divorced. Women will put up with all kinds of mental, physical and emotional abuse not only in rural but in urban areas of Pakistan because they have no other option.

If they leave they are not welcomed back home.....
They are unable to find suitable employment to support themselves.....
They are faced with the stigma of losing the custody of their children as they are immediately unable to provide financial security.....

All of these are much greater factors that contribute to the low divorce rate than the impact of career minded women on a higher divorce rate in other parts of the world.

44

Thank you. Finally an intelligent answer re: divorce.

Regardless of whether or not someone thinks divorce is OK or the worst permitted act, social scientists have drawn a direct correlation between divorce rates and two major factors: a) the economic cost or penalty, and b) the social penalty. So it stands to reason that a woman is much less likely to seek a divorce, regardless of circumstances, when the social price is so high for her and when she doesn't have the means economically to support herself otherwise.

Other studies have shown that the single greatest factor keeping women in abusive relationships is economic dependence.

45

Re: Pakistani born/raised women want controlling men?

Kaleem and Fayax,

Some very good points you have made and I agree completely.

High divorce rates are not because the couple (or wife rather)is too much into their careers but it's because they are unable to balance their careers with their home life. The way I see it...family comes first and foremost. If you can not balance your home life...then some sacrifices need to be made. Someone needs to stay home....and personally I dont feel that it should be a babysitter or nanny.

46

and I thought I was generalizing.. good point anyway.

but studies do show that women who have careers in a marriage are more likely to end up in a divorce than the ones who don’t.

read this: Careers And Marriage - Forbes.com

and yes you can also read the article by the woman :slight_smile:

again, i am not putting the blame on any career minded woman.

47

or it just might be what Muzna described, social taboos..

and in today's society "abuse" has so many meanings, it's a JOKE! for example, if I don't show attachment to my wife, it's called abuse on my part. or i don't show affection, or even if I use the silent treatment, it's called ABUSE.. ridiculous.

48

Great trivialization of a very serious issue. :rolleyes:

49

so i don’t take the issue serious? lady, i’ll be in the frontlines fighting for women’s rights.. just so u know!!

but still the western society has created so many useless definitions that it’s a JOKE.

we can look at the medical terms too, like depression, now there are different types of depression LOL.. our generation starts to believe in these terms cuz we have been taught from elementary school.. it’s called being brainwashed!!! look it up.

50

Meh i dont do housework and ill probably be yelling at my kids b/c raising them is interfereing with my facebook time.

but hey as long as Im home all day, i'm the 2010s desi equivalent of June Cleaver. Right?

51

My point entirely.....because they have a source of income and see no need to subject themselves to a life that they do not enjoy/prefer.

Not because the career motivates or encourages them to leave.

No...you are putting the blame on the career.

52

Sure, of course. I suppose if I call the local police and tell them my husband is abusing me because he's not emotionally connected to me, they'll come running, right?

And in terms of divorce, none of what you mentioned will qualify legally as abuse as a cause of divorce. The couple would have to file under irreconcilable differences, etc.

Regardless of whether or not you perceive people to be overly sensitive, the legal definition of abuse as its applied in civil or criminal law is no small matter. I would be interested to hear what legally applicable and punishable definitions of abuse are so trivial.

In the case of the link between economic dependence and abuse, the social studies of this are based on documented abuse through police and hospital reports, women's shelters, etc. They didn't go door to door and ask women to define themselves as abused based on whether or not their husband loved them enough.

53

Not showing attachment or affection or giving someone the silent treatment is known as emotional abuse.

And it is not today's society that has coined this phrase. It is a legitimate and verified term used by the scientific community.

Dismissing this type of behaviour by not giving it due significance in a relationship is ridiculous.

If you feel that this is not a form of ABUSE, what would you prefer to call it?

54

Re: Pakistani born/raised women want controlling men?

NYCGori…how dare we educate ourselves to the level it requires to provide these answers.

We should only have obtained as much education/knowlegde as is necessary to cook, clean and raise kids.

:hoonh:

55

Muzna, I’d love to chat but I have to get back to my salan before I decide to divorce my husband. :meeno:

56

im a pak born/raised female and from what i can understand from your question is that..for me..the husband will be the leader and the head of the family..he has to provide for me financially as well as undertake duties imposed on a husband by Shariah law..and i dont see this "dependence" as degrading or a burden..its a right given to me by ym faith to enjoy...and i do want to be the Queen of my house and not to work on a 9 to 5 job then come cook clean do the dishes etc ! :]

A woman's disposition is suited for performing tasks inside the household,looking after kids etc..and a man works outside it..a balance which disturbed can really strain relations..

However,it goes without saying that education is crucial..when the going gets tough..the wife should be able to contribute to household finances,and support her husband, but not at the cost of sacrificing her time with kids!

I did not really understand the "controlling" point a lot..if you mean that if a man tries to control her every action or thought..in other words..treats her like a slave..well...no woman would tolerate such a person..i think :]

I would just like to add,that the tentacles of feminism havent gripped the female populace of Pakistan in general as yet which seeks to destroy a family as a unit..hope it stays that way insha'Allah! :|

57

Excellent post.

58

ameen!

this is exactly what I am looking for! mash'Allah.
yes, by controlling i meant what u just described in the first paragraph. thanks for the post! :)

Wht r u doing ?
59

^controlling isnt a good word. you are more likely to be misunderstood with that choice. perhaps a reponsible and providing man is a better option.

Timepass - September 2013
60

I do not think this is what most balanced people think of as 'controlling behavior.' This system is fine and dandy as far as I'm concerned, and it's also fine and dandy if the woman wants to work. The key is for the spouses to agree on their roles in advance and be sensitive to each other's needs and the needs of the household as their life together evolves.

Examples of controlling/abusive behavior that I've seen in my own family (in-laws):

a) Man choking wife in front of kids during an argument
b) Man not allowing wife to visit her relatives for no reason
c) Man not allowing wife to attend his sister's wedding for no reason
d) Man yelling at wife after her 7-month dr pregnancy appointment because she is diagnosed with placenta previa and he says its her fault and she's going to kill their baby
e) man sending text message from wife's phone to her aunt that says, "Don't call me, kuttiya" without her knowing, because he doesn't want her to have contact with family
f) Man making false police call on FIL and BIL, resulting in them spending the night in a Lahore jail

I could go on. Thank god this behavior is overall not typical of hubby's family but is the work of a couple of really bad eggs who married in.