that was quick ! 
Hi Sara,
Will you and your husband be living with his parents after marriage? If not........then consider yourself fortunate.......take a deep breath........be the bigger person........and forgive her because we're in the last ten days of Ramadan. Make dua to Allah to for a happy marriage and for the guidance of your MIL.
If she's behaving this way with you, chances are she'll treat her younger son's future wife in the same way. You're not insane.......you're not imagining things.........people CAN be condescending and maintain a calm voice at the same time. I'm sure you've seen it plenty of movies/dramas where women hurl catty/condescending remarks without ever raising their voices. They'll cut each other down sweetly. So don't be befuddled by your MIL's respectful tone of voice and the contradiction of her disrespectful words. Some people are loud whereas others are calm. But you can insult a person either way.
I've read your post. And YES, your MIL was being thoughtless/tactless/rude when she said that she can find prettier girls for her younger son in her own family. Such a comment reflects her arrogance......be it intentional or accidental. She always had the choice of staying quiet......or........she could have diverted the topic with a vague but decent response such as "Oh my son is still young, there's plenty of time yet in considering his marriage whomever the girl will be." Or she could have said, "Let's deal with my older son's marriage first. One thing at a time. I haven't even thought about my younger one's rishta yet." See what I mean? Your MIL DID NOT have to bring up the topic of "looks" or "beauty." IN conclusion, her comment was rude (whether it was deliberate or accidental). I would not be surprised if your MIL would feel insulted/touchy if some aunty had made the same remark about HER OWN daughter.
In our culture.....some in-laws (the guy's parents).......think that because they represent the susraal walay........that they have the power and the right to treat the bahu however they want. Such in-laws fail to realize that by showing their true colors to the their bahu........they are only degrading themselves/showing how low they can go/how insecure they can be/how they can't follow basics of Islam. In other words, apnay aap ko khud nanga kar rahain hain.
I agree with Cute Gurl's advice. Don't complain about your in-laws to your husband. IF he's close to his mom, he won't like it. Just always act like the bigger person and deflect your MIL's comments with a smile and some calm wise words. It's a shame that being the elder........she doesn't know how to behave. The next time she makes a catty indirect reference to your sister's looks............put on a smile........and calmly say........."Ammi, inshallah your son will find a great girl. Allah has created everyone different. Some of us are dark like my sister, some are fair. Some are fat, some are thin. In the end, we're all judged for our heart and personality. InshaAllah your son will get a girl who he finds compatible both physically and personality wise as well." This way, your MIL will hopefully feel ashamed of herself on the inside...if she has a conscience.
But basically.........if you won't be living with the woman after marriage........don't let her comments eat you up. Don't complain or nag about her to your husband. He can't change his mom and neither can you. A person can only change themselves. And always show YOURSELF as the bigger and calmer and more dignified person. Dont stoop to anyone's low level. IF your MIL is indeed on some agenda to insult you..........your sense of calm will frustrate her even more. Because bullies like to see their victims upset/sad/distressed. And when you remain calm.......it's your victory.
^ btw I don't condone her MIL's "talking".
Waise I think sara is not really just concerned with a stupid dinner set, I think sara is probably mentioning the underlying problem with her MIL which obviously has more depth than a mere dinner set.
I'm impressed, Sorry to stereotype and generalize here but guys are usually not this deep enough to come to such a conclusion. Boht sayanay ho :D
ushld know hw to answer such saas for e.g when she said
isnt that saras mums job to buy the dinner sets as jahez
your ans: haan per mumy aaj kal kaun yeh sab sochta hai aab woh zamana kahan raha ( n thn brag abt wat most expensive thing ur mom gave u for eg if its gold in a silent decent way & thn laugh it off)
why wud my son like her , i have so many beautful girls in my own family
your ans: hahah haan bolne waley to kuch bi boldetey hai aap aise sochein bi na..aap yeh imagine karein hamri family mein kisi ne sarah(for eg ur sis name) ko bipasha se bi compare kia tha aaj kal to sari actresses bi sawli hoti haai na haha laugh it off
joke n answer back something tht is intellgent but no one cn get back at u fr it cuz it wld sound lame...NEVER EVER SHUT UP!!!! dont be disrespectful but be hazir jawab...NEVER complain to ur hubby tht ur mom said tht!!! its between u n ur MIL dunt get hubby involved u need to learn hw to handle ur situations n she needs to know tht her typical saas attitude wldnt work wid u...be hazir jawab not disrespectful...if u shut up n let her get away wid it shelldo n njot it more!
hey thanks, i wasnt there when she said about the dinner set....someone else told me who was there. and when you say never ever shutup, thing is my urdu aain that great, as im from the uk and speak englsh at home. i can speak urdu but im not comfortble yet speaking urdu as openly as actually doing hazir jawab in it....and another thing is my natural tone is loudish..so i could say something nice but it may sod rude....so i need to say things nicely ....but i know for a fact even if i said something nicely....which i have......she wont like it. i dnt know what she would think,. but she wont like it...nicely said or not.
Re: PAIN IN THE ****
wait til you have a child. and then see. sometimes they change. sometimes if they dont, atleast you can train ur child to love her nani a whole lot more.....! Thatl hurt the ********
only joking.....sorry i too am having a bad MIL moment
how do you deal with MIL who are not obviously hurtful/mean/rude, but get away with being hurtful/mean/rude by saying things in such a quiet, respectful voice that you have to think twice about whether she is or isnt being a meani....shes not mean to me...
however, my hsband decided he wanted to buy a dinner set from pakistan as its cheaper there, and his mother said isnt that saras mums job to buy the dinner sets as jahez....now ive been told she laughed when she said this and it was meant to be a joke....i do not think so. her jokes are always meant to mean something.
i don not understand these people who say they do not want jahez yet talk behind your back if that rule is then obeyed...my mother actually gave alot of stuff, but these tiny weeny things like plates are also expcted.....my mum is angry with me for letting him buy his own dinner set....she said she was going to because other wise people will talk...wtf..
im seething with anger as im writing this, i am no fan of our culture and this is making me hate it even more. and also dislike my MIL. these may sound like little things, but i get angry and dhatred for her is beginning to grow on me. its not the first time she says these things, she says other smallish things that are quite infuriating, like she once said about her other son and my sister get along well, so people talk about them 2. so she once said why wud my son like her , i have so many beautful girls in my own family...ok so she said it in urdu and it was slightly differently put, but she meant that my sister wasnt pretty enough, and that her own side of the family had better looking girls....
my sister is darker than me, while they are fairer, ....she says things in such nice ways you have to wonder what she means...but i know shes being a b****................ arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I would have asked hubby to speak to his Mum in a nice way, to back off and stop the snide remarks. Something like 'u know I love u but it upsets me to hear u speak to my wife in this way and I'm afraid it will affect our relationship if this carries on.' Lots of desi Mums treat their sons like little princes so imo if she hears** he** is upset by it that might do the trick.The last bit about ur sister is shocking, I have a close family member who sounds similar to ur MIL and made a comment about my brother's fiancee not being v fair and how strange it is that my brother turned down other lighter-skinned girls and chose her, I know it would break her heart if she ever heard about it and tbh it hurts me to hear her being spoken about in that way as well.
Problem is, if no-one sets ur MIL straight (ur husband or maybe even ur FIL should have a word with her) she will continue to go thru life thinking she can trample all over ppl. Yes, she deserves respect, but doesn't give her the right to treat others like sh*t. I know a lot of ppl think us girls should just be patient and put up with it but from experience I have seen women (and men) who behave this way and are never pulled up on it become bullies and the resentment that the DIL feels just festers and can lead to it affecting her previously good relationship with her husband. If MIL feels she can get away with being like that with u, she will prob do the same with the next 'new' DIL and the next one and the next one... I feel quite strongly that no-one should be able to get away with this sort of behaviour whether they are family or not.
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totally agree with Deeba1234
how do you deal with MIL who are not obviously hurtful/mean/rude, but get away with being hurtful/mean/rude by saying things in such a quiet, respectful voice that you have to think twice about whether she is or isnt being a meani....shes not mean to me...
however, my hsband decided he wanted to buy a dinner set from pakistan as its cheaper there, and his mother said isnt that saras mums job to buy the dinner sets as jahez....**now ive been told she laughed when she said this **and it was meant to be a joke....i do not think so. her jokes are always meant to mean something.
With due respect,....you have been told she laughed when she said this. Who the heck told you this? He/she is the one who is to blame here. Not your MIL. This is one case where you should definitely kill the messenger. All over a 1500 rupee dinner set!
You have formed a lot of preemptive opinions about your MIL, and it seems to be fashionable these days to curse the MIL anyway, and you can get a lot of support for your 'cause' on this forum too, but Im sorry, this life forum is just turning into a bunch of hormone driven-*too immature to get married-*caught between two cultures girls, who think coming up with a new "bash-the-MIL" story is the IN thing.
Grow up girls! By doing all this gheebat and chughli (most of it based on wrong precursors), you yourselves are turning into what you are portraying your MILs as. I truly pray that you women grow up fast, and become MILs yourselves, so that your DILs can make you realize what its like wearing someone elses shoes.
Yes, there are bad apples everywhere, but sorry, (most of) the problems that we read on this forum are just spewing venom for no good reason. Gupshup should perhaps make a new forum for "InLaws", or specifically, "MILs", where like minded girls can get together and play "throw-the-boot-at-the-MIL".
Sara, the best way is to show that you don't actually understand her crafty one liners.
My BIL wife was a bit like that, when i went to Pak, i genuinly didnt understand some of her snide remarks (which btw she made in public) totally oblivious to what she was saying (until my hubby interpreted it to me) she just stopped cause she knew she was having no impact on me.
Re: PAIN IN THE ****
Silaaj,inshAllah when we become MILs ourselves we will treat our own sons and their wives differently, not think we can get away with being b*tchy simply cos we're the parents and they should blindly obey and put up with it.
These inlaw problems are **not **girls being immature and so on, they are frequently mentioned on Islamic sites like Sunnipath where it's openly acknowledged that it's the elders who are usually in the wrong due to messed up desi cultural ideas.
Silaaj,inshAllah when we become MILs ourselves we will treat our own sons and their wives differently, not think we can get away with being b*tchy simply cos we're the parents and they should blindly obey and put up with it.
These inlaw problems are **not **girls being immature and so on, they are frequently mentioned on Islamic sites like Sunnipath where it's openly acknowledged that it's the elders who are usually in the wrong due to messed up desi cultural ideas.
I dont think its solely about the desi culture. Rather, its more about a clash of cultures, desi vs western, which causes this.
Personally, I would pin the blame on the girl's parents, for marrying their daughter into a culture which she has had little, or no exposure to. They raise kids in the US or UK, and then expect them to adjust to a Pak based susraal, which is unfair.
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I think you need to wait your turn and be patient.
Right now, she says these things to her son uses these sneaky ways to cut you but you will learn how to answer back in a way that will leave her speechless. It comes with time.When you see her, open your mouth and say something that will burn her up. For instance, the fair color comment. Start going through your photo albums and comment on all the sanwali girls only and in the end, say something like "gora rang kis kaam ka agar insaan ka naak naksha bhonda ho"...that will be the start of it. Pick someone who is a bit darker in your husband's own family and tell your MIL she looks JUST like her in front of them. What will she say??? Nothing at that point for sure. :)
One trick that works all the time is simply going up to your MIL and saying something like "ammi, kya baat hai? aap itni thaki thaki kyun lagrahi hain? sab sahi hai na?" Do this a couple of times and she will be looking at herself in the bathroom mirror for ages.
As for the jehez comment, ignore it for now but make sure you go tit for tat on that one too in your own sweet and polite way. :) "meine inko kitna roka dishes lene se lekin inhoney kaha ke yahan sasta milega aur leliya...ammi ko bohot bura laga hai".
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Making sure you as a DIL do not get walked all over is something that needs to be established in the very beginning. Hoping and praying that with time things will change and she will sweeten up is wishful thinking.
I do not like people who are meethi churiyan and deal with them in the same manner they deal with me.
hey thanks, i wasnt there when she said about the dinner set....someone else told me who was there. and when you say never ever shutup, thing is my urdu aain that great, as im from the uk and speak englsh at home. i can speak urdu but im not comfortble yet speaking urdu as openly as actually doing hazir jawab in it....and another thing is my natural tone is loudish..so i could say something nice but it may sod rude....so i need to say things nicely ....but i know for a fact even if i said something nicely....which i have......she wont like it. i dnt know what she would think,. but she wont like it...nicely said or not.
offcourse she wont like it but since shell know the u wont sit and listen to her typical sasu maa attitude..u have to work on it..this if nt dealt properly cn go on for yrs!!!
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I feel pity for you and your hubby's taste if you buy dinner sets in Pakistan to bring it to the UK. You are both cheap and deserve cheap comments from the MIL too.
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Just relax and ignore your MIL.
I've also said to my husband to buy some things for me...for our house.....Some things u cant buy here....I don't care if my MIL doesn't like it.....
Do what you want...let her talk....
My MIL keeps telling me how much Jahaiz they gave my SIL when she married about 8 years ago...My parents gave me bedroom furniture in PK...so in the beginning I felt very strange..seemed liked she wanted to tell me that my parents didn't gave me a lots of things......coz she said it sooo many times...
But then I thought I'm not gonna live here....
I want to have things that I'm gonna use...not things that others will use...
So I'm decorating my home here...My parents and I are paying togther for everything..Coz I feel ashamed if they buy everything in my house.....They gave me a car, a lots of gold jewellery and clothes etc when I married....NOW I can pay it myself.....I don't want to depend on others....not anymore!!!
This is so funny...Inlaws of my SIl (who married 8 years ago) have three dining tables in their dinning room!!!! Hahahaha....it looked soo funny.....but they can't refuse the parents of their DILs...My SIL has never used her things coz she moved to another city...Her INlaws sold her gold jewellery she got from my MIL!! Her FIL is her mammoe....pff funny people in Pakistan...
My mother has ordered furniture brothers room..when he'll marry..my mom don't expect and want anything from them!!!
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hmmmmmm i have similar issues with my mil. shes ok. but she says jo apney dena hai bheti ko dena hai but thats just bull.
I feel pity for you and your hubby's taste if you buy dinner sets in Pakistan to bring it to the UK. You are both cheap and deserve cheap comments from the MIL too.
excuse me mister, if you would like to appreciate the price difference maybe youll do the same. i myself bought it from pak because there it was a whole £100 pounds cheaper.....for the same dinner set here. so shut your hole. its not cheap, it makes sense......over here in the uk you cannot get bowls for salan and rice plates etc as easily as over there, and its double the price here if you do manage to find it...
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yeah it's all Made in China anyway. So I guess it does make sense to buy it in Pak.
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if the information is coming from a 3rd person... it shouldnt be given any importance.
People are out there to stir up trouble.. its the truth.
and in regards to your suitcase... she was probably just sorting things out so things would fit more. The older generation really know how to stuff the max amount of things into a suitcase... seriously. I h ave seen it with me own two eyes