For me, the general mehndi arrangements were taken care of by my inlaws in lahore … but the costs were share by both families (my parents and my husband specifically … not my parents in law). I traveled from calif usa to lahore and my husband from Sydney Australia 3 wks before the wedding. My husband also paid for my mehndi outfit/accessories … not designer but custom made and lovely nonetheless. I had no say/peeks/involvement in any aspect of that at all … night before the event my husband brought me the dress and choorian and i (my family/guests) just showed up the next day at the right place n time
I also had no say/involvement in my walimah dress/venue/decore etc … infact didnt see it at all … till the day off! I thought it was lovely when i saw it though.
I have to say sometimes relinquishing control can lead to the most exciting/memorable experiences.
I am having 150 people at my mehndi and a simple backdrop can be $500-1000. Depends on what you want though, adding props and decor will increase the cost whereas having simple drapery will keep the cost low.
who's side pays for the mehndi? my in laws aren't from here so they're not necessarily "hosting" because they'll be traveling. Is the cost on my family?
I've seen it shared or done by one side, usually the bride's. There aren't strict rules these days because of the variety of experiences and backgrounds. Just say what you guys would like to and see what they say.
who's side pays for the mehndi? my in laws aren't from here so they're not necessarily "hosting" because they'll be traveling. Is the cost on my family?
In my experience, whoever is hosting the event pays for it. If the girl's parents are sending out the invites listing themselves as hosts, if 99% of the guests are from the girl's side, and the girl's side is making all the major decisions (date, venue, food, music, time etc.)....then they pay.
But I've seen mehendi's where costs are split BUT those also included both sets of parents names on the invite and there are guests from both sides of the family, and guy's family had a say in choosing venue, food, decor etc.
We attended a wedding function in Dallas which is where the bride was from. The groom's entire family was on the East coast, but almost 90% of them turned up for the nikah, mehndi and baraat as it was the first/oldest 'male' nephew, grandson's wedding.
From what the bride told us, the cost of the nikah/mehndi ceremonies was split down the middle, with both bride and grooms parents names on the invites. Wedding day function was paid for by bride, the walima held on the East coast by the groom's side.
I'm meeting his mom for a day in a few weeks for the first time, so I'm not entirely sure how to bring up the cost. I'm assuming they'll offer to split the cost but then again its just an assumption. I don't know if his parents will split the cost for everything else aside from the walima just because coincidentally they're looking to buy a customized estate here for retirement, which means they'll liquify all or most assets. I know my fiance is insisting on splitting the cost but ultimately his parents will end up having the final say. So it's more of a waiting game at this point which is nerve wrecking. You're right $40 per head would come up to $6000 for 150 ppl. But I meant $5000 for food+decor/staging+little things for only 80 ppl since im trying to cut costs.
To be honest I don't want to burden family members with hosting my dholki because after all everyone has their own family to consider bc she is my Khala so hence a second mom but my khalu may not necessarily feel the same need to host a dholki...again these are assumptions.
As for mehendi it'll be done together but I have a feeling that the more fiance and I choose and have a say, the more likely the in laws are to shove the bill at us. Which is what I'm preparing for, just in case. My in laws together probably earn 6 times the annual income I do, but I'm trying not to have any expectations just in case i end up feeling disappointed.
In my experience, whoever is hosting the event pays for it. If the girl's parents are sending out the invites listing themselves as hosts, if 99% of the guests are from the girl's side, and the girl's side is making all the major decisions (date, venue, food, music, time etc.)....then they pay.
But I've seen mehendi's where costs are split BUT those also included both sets of parents names on the invite and there are guests from both sides of the family, and guy's family had a say in choosing venue, food, decor etc.
Yeah I have a lot of family here where as his list is probably one fourth of what I have. We do have mutual friends which account to around 60 close friends we see or talk to on a daily basis so they're just like family. But this is why I can see why I might end up being the one to "host the cost"
I'm meeting his mom for a day in a few weeks for the first time, so I'm not entirely sure how to bring up the cost.
I don't think it's a good idea for YOU to bring up/discuss costs of events with his mom. This should be brought up by your parents.
I know my fiance is insisting on splitting the cost but ultimately his parents will end up having the final say.
So has your fiancé told his parents that he wants them to pay for half? And has your fiancé told you how his parents reacted to that? Based on his parents personality, spending habits, how weddings are done in his family, and how they reacted after hearing that your fiancé wants them to pay for half.......by now your fiancé should have a pretty good idea as to what they will say.
BTW does your fiancé not have a job or savings? If he understands your financial situation and is supportive.....I'm not sure why he can't give you a check to pay for some items from his personal account to help you without tellings his parents IF his parents refuse to pay.
It’s such an awkward conversation
So my in laws are in a diff country and fiance doesn’t want to have the cost convo over the phone with his parents so he hasn’t mentioned anything yet. He is flying out to the U.S. a week before I drive up there so that he can get a chance to discuss things with his mom, time will be of the essence since his mom is primarily there on a business trip. By the time I get to see her there is a possibility he may have spoken to her about splitting the cost or at least about future plans and that’s where I come in and maybe there could be a discussion of some sort. As for weddings in his family; his parents footed the entire bill for all events and all the outfits were by some indian designers like her engagement outfit was by Vikram Phadnis, her mehendi dress by Sabyasachi and Sana Safinaz for Nikkah and I’m not sure what her bridal and walima outfits were. Fiancés parents split costs on the walima as well for his older sister. That is overwhelming and unrealistic (unless I take a loan from the bank) for me if they expect me to do the same. Keep in mind his parents were by far more well off than the groom’s family. As for personality his mom is very quiet on the phone but from what I’ve heard she’s talkative in person, I’ve been told his dad let’s the mom make the decisions however he gets the final nay or yay. I’ll have to wait and see…till then i should save.
My fiancé does have savings but we wanted to use that and my savings for a down payment on a house. He has an income (he started a distribution company on a medium scale recently so there is revenue but profit margins are steadily increasing but not enough, on the side he flips in real estate which is dependent on hot months, and he changed his field so his income is not a lot now because he is back in school full time to complete required certifications in his new field, if/once that kicks off then he’ll continue with the side business he has as well, but that could take a year or so.
@Paheli00 I forgot to mention the part where his sisters wedding was in pakistan and the Dholki and mehendi were in the middle east and her walima in Canada. His parents had visas processed for ppl and paid for their full airfare and hotel stay to reach pakistan and the middle east.
So his parents split the cost on his sisters valima? And processed visas and travel for other relatives? I dont mean to sound rude but why cant they pay for their own functions you pay for your day and split the mehndi? What will your response be if they say you need to pay half the valima costs?!
As for dholkis etc these things are just normally small and intimate and shouldnt cost an arm and aleg! Regardless of if you hold it or tour khala. I wouldnt be so naive and just sit there and agree to all costs or say you are happy to foot the bill. Your mum n elders need to lay it out how it is.
At our wedding we paid for my hubbys sherwani and shoes only. Rest of the baraat day costs were by us. My nikaah was again my side paid but my taya abu and his wife who is also my massi covered that. My hubby paid for my ring shoes and outfit.
Mehndi was a joint day however i got married in winter and it snowed badly and only hubby and his parents and bro n bhabi made it as they were from a different city and did say they had around 80 guests. All my guests were there so we covered the cost for the mehndi.
valima they paid for it all. Inc my clothes jewellery shoes etc hubby paid for my shoes and jewels they paid for the gold.
Hubby paid for honeymoon.
@Paheli00 I forgot to mention the part where his sisters wedding was in pakistan and the Dholki and mehendi were in the middle east and her walima in Canada. His parents had visas processed for ppl and paid for their full airfare and hotel stay to reach pakistan and the middle east.
Also my mum is a single mum also as my dad died when i was 17 so i worked two jobs to try and pay for all the extras i wanted! Mashallah we are 6 girls and 1 boy. If my inlaws had said for us to foot the whole bill i probablt would have either said bye! Or just gone for a nikaah only! If u both want big dos both side should cover costs!
You both have savings, however both want save his for down payment and break your parents back for an extravagant wedding.
This all sounds so ridiculous!
We don't have a large amount in savings yet and are not looking into an expensive property at all, we're still getting there & will be growing together, but this money was set aside for living after marriage, otherwise we'd be broke after the wedding.
We're not asking for an extravagant wedding, but his family have expectations (based on previous casual convo's with his elder sister that "humaare haan toh aise hota hai, meri shaadi mein main ne is designer se khareeda tha blah blah blah". I somehow very politely stated I'd like the wedding festivities in just one country. Fiance is with me on that part.
As for savings; My existing savings are not going to be used for myself, that I have kept aside for my mother as a cushion because that was the purpose of my initial savings plan when I started it after dad passed away, I was 16 at the time so I wasn't earning much at all at ym first job.
I had started saving a separate amount for house costs a year ago which was to be used as part of a down-payment initially for my mother and I to stabilize ourselves. This baat pakki was not pre-planned (it happened over the phone while i was on vacation) a couple of weeks ago, so that's why my existing down payment savings are being added to his down payment savings. I don't see how it's ridiculous.
I don't feel we're breaking anyone's backs by splitting the cost, when I earn 6 times less than his parents together, I'm pretty sure if I was earning that much I'd foot the entire bill if it doesnt make a dent in my income.... To each their own. A friend of our recently had a grande wedding with all whistles and bells (love marriage) and the girls family paid nothing for any event/clothing/decor/travel (grooms family was just much more financially comfortable doing so).
Also my mum is a single mum also as my dad died when i was 17 so i worked two jobs to try and pay for all the extras i wanted! Mashallah we are 6 girls and 1 boy. If my inlaws had said for us to foot the whole bill i probablt would have either said bye! Or just gone for a nikaah only! If u both want big dos both side should cover costs!
It sort of sounds like your in-laws have a way of doing things (i.e. they expect the girl's side to foot the bill of the wedding just as they did for their own daughter) and they are expecting the same from you.
To be perfectly honest, I agree that some of these events really do NOT need to happen at all. They are unnecessary extravagances that are putting stress and strain on a relationship that is super-delicate to begin with.
Or you just need to quietly foot the bill and accept that the in-laws are doing nothing wrong.
I understand there are some unecessary events and deep down inside I know you’re right. I don’t want to harbour any bitter feelings and by mistake end up hurting my Fiance’s feelings or my own for that sake. So I’m trying to just wait till 2 weeks from now & then I’ll have my mom bring up future plans and if Fiance & I allowed to stay in the room maybe we can excitingly chime in about our research so far? (we’re meeting at her hotel room) and that might bring up the cost topic . I went and bought an unstitched outfit for his mother, dadi, phupoo, and his mother’s best friend (as a return gift since I’m meeting her for the first time & she gifted me some expensive items (totally not required & I honestly can’t match the same value as a return gift since she got me a designer suit, 8 perfumes (Chanel/Dior/D&G/Prada/Gucci/Giorgio Armani/Burberry/J’adore) a Swarovski bold ring and a necklace, M.A.C. cosmetics and a Givenchy wallet), and his dadi and phupoo initiated the baat pakki so as a token I’m sending them unstiched suits, and one for his mothers best friend as she had gifted me a designer suit a few months prior when she met me as moun dikhai I guess?). On top of all that his mother bought a diamond ring of her own choice as a token (apparently this is separate from the engagement ring). No way I can match this for his entire family, I can try but I’d be hoping for a shooting star instead.
I recently finished paying my car off to avoid debts so I can focus on wedding costs, but I still have another 15K to pay as a result of someone running away with our money when they found out my dad passed away, so thats why my savings aren’t as much.
I’ll be cautious & take heed to your advice and will make sure these delicate relationships don’t get strained, at the same time I can’t foot the full bill.
This rishta happened so easily (It’s been 5 years today since we’ve been together) and there have always been constant bumps regarding having the parents meet, and how our parents felt. This Baat pakki got somewhat cancelled as well because his dadi fell ill and his parents flew to Pakistan, while we were visiting the middle east. I prayed during my flight asking Allah SWT to only let this baat pakki go ahead if its in our best interest and if its the right timing. A few days later during the trip Fiance tells me his mom wants to speak to my mother and rest was a breeze, it felt like Allah SWT literally just opened the doors one after one. So my faith lies in Allah SWT, my destiny is pre-written. I just wish an easy, happy, and loving marriage upon everyone. Ameen.
This right there my friend is pointing to possible trouble ahead. I hate to say it yet again but your inlaws may have incomes 16x, 60x or 160xs yours … understand that ALLL of that income is THEIRS to spend as THEY wish. Your friends weddings with bells n whistles OR what you would do IF you had the spare income is pretty irrelevant.
You know your finances … they sound quite confusing to me … but you know them. plan accordingly. clear your head of expectations. dont be a doormat for unrealistic requests that your in-laws might make. when the time comes .. you/your mom need to be polite and gracefully explain whats possible/doable for you.
Please do not be impressed/swayed/buried under the obligation of expensive gifts … they like you for who you are.
doesnt anyone go for small, elegant intimate weddings filled with people who genuinely care anymore? :hinna:
anyhow, good luck with everything … i hope it all goes according o your plans.
I know a family that is ridiculously rich…they flew in guests from all over the world (almost 400) to India for their son’s wedding…paid for 7 days stay at ITC Maurya etc. Heck Shahrukh Khan, Bipasha Basu, Anuskha Sharma and a few other celebs actually performed at one of the wedding events! The bride’s family is middle class. The ENTIRE wedding was paid for by the groom’s family (all expenses for guests, 6 days of lavish events, designer clothing, even hair/makeup artists available for all female guests etc). But guess what…the groom’s family planned the ENTIRE event. The bride didn’t even see her designer outfits until she flew to India a week before the wedding. The bride and her family had 0 input.
You should not even think about how much money his family has if you’re thinking about thing YOU want during your wedding. You want something? Be ready to pay for it. If they offer to pay for your wants…that’s great. But you have no right to expect that just b/c they’re rich. And if they bring up their expectations that are lavish…then you can simply tell them that you cannot afford it. If this family is anything like the rich families I know…if you expect them to split the cost then they will want the events done to their standards, and will want their taste/preferences taken into account when choosing vendors/location and other details. In which case even 50% of the expenses will be WAAAAAY out of your budget.
BTW, my wedding was 1 day…wedding ceremony in the afternoon and reception in the evening. Money was also a consideration when I planned my wedding, and I chose to cut out all other events in order to save money. I get that you have certain wants when it comes to your wedding…but you also need to use your brain rather than emotions and see if its really worth spending thousands of dollars on those wants for just that 1 day (heck not even a full day…just a few hours).
Personally I think it’s a horrible idea to wait until his mother is here on a business trip, meeting you for the first time, and where time is tight…for him to bring up this issue for the first time. Even then it seems there is no guarantee he will have the time to discuss it with her. You two really need to re-consider this. Ideally he should have this conversation with BOTH his parents right now…over Skype or other video chat. That way, BOTH his parents have a time to discuss this and think it over before his mother flies out here.
What his parents paid for their own daughter is not relevant here since you are not their daughter. Culturally, many families expect that the girl’s side will pay for these events. It would help if they had another son that got married but doesn’t look like that’s the case.
. I went and bought an unstitched outfit for his mother, dadi, phupoo, and his mother’s best friend (as a return gift since I’m meeting her for the first time & she gifted me some expensive items (totally not required & I honestly can’t match the same value as a return gift since she got me a designer suit, 8 perfumes (Chanel/Dior/D&G/Prada/Gucci/Giorgio Armani/Burberry/J’adore) a Swarovski bold ring and a necklace, M.A.C. cosmetics and a Givenchy wallet), and his dadi and phupoo initiated the baat pakki so as a token I’m sending them unstiched suits, and one for his mothers best friend as she had gifted me a designer suit a few months prior when she met me as moun dikhai I guess?). On top of all that his mother bought a diamond ring of her own choice as a token (apparently this is separate from the engagement ring). No way I can match this for his entire family, I can try but I’d be hoping for a shooting star instead.