Overwhelmed

[Sara516]

Re: Overwhelmed

@Mausam6

I’m meeting his mom for a day in a few weeks for the first time, so I’m not entirely sure how to bring up the cost. I’m assuming they’ll offer to split the cost but then again its just an assumption. I don’t know if his parents will split the cost for everything else aside from the walima just because coincidentally they’re looking to buy a customized estate here for retirement, which means they’ll liquify all or most assets. I know my fiance is insisting on splitting the cost but ultimately his parents will end up having the final say. So it’s more of a waiting game at this point which is nerve wrecking. You’re right $40 per head would come up to $6000 for 150 ppl. But I meant $5000 for food+decor/staging+little things for only 80 ppl since im trying to cut costs.
To be honest I don’t want to burden family members with hosting my dholki because after all everyone has their own family to consider bc she is my Khala so hence a second mom but my khalu may not necessarily feel the same need to host a dholki…again these are assumptions.
As for mehendi it’ll be done together but I have a feeling that the more fiance and I choose and have a say, the more likely the in laws are to shove the bill at us. Which is what I’m preparing for, just in case. My in laws together probably earn 6 times the annual income I do, but I’m trying not to have any expectations just in case i end up feeling disappointed.

@Mausam6

It’s such an awkward conversation
So my in laws are in a diff country and fiance doesn’t want to have the cost convo over the phone with his parents so he hasn’t mentioned anything yet. He is flying out to the U.S. a week before I drive up there so that he can get a chance to discuss things with his mom, time will be of the essence since his mom is primarily there on a business trip. By the time I get to see her there is a possibility he may have spoken to her about splitting the cost or at least about future plans and that’s where I come in and maybe there could be a discussion of some sort. As for weddings in his family; his parents footed the entire bill for all events and all the outfits were by some indian designers like her engagement outfit was by Vikram Phadnis, her mehendi dress by Sabyasachi and Sana Safinaz for Nikkah and I’m not sure what her bridal and walima outfits were. Fiancés parents split costs on the walima as well for his older sister. That is overwhelming and unrealistic (unless I take a loan from the bank) for me if they expect me to do the same. Keep in mind his parents were by far more well off than the groom’s family. As for personality his mom is very quiet on the phone but from what I’ve heard she’s talkative in person, I’ve been told his dad let’s the mom make the decisions however he gets the final nay or yay. I’ll have to wait and see…till then i should save.
My fiancé does have savings but we wanted to use that and my savings for a down payment on a house. He has an income (he started a distribution company on a medium scale recently so there is revenue but profit margins are steadily increasing but not enough, on the side he flips in real estate which is dependent on hot months, and he changed his field so his income is not a lot now because he is back in school full time to complete required certifications in his new field, if/once that kicks off then he’ll continue with the side business he has as well, but that could take a year or so.

That’s…so much more detail you really don’t need to get into esp on here. It doesn’t matter what they did for their daughter, you’re not their daughter, and it really doesn’t matter what someone elses family did either.

Dholkis are hosted by family members, YOU don’t pay for anything! Is your mom helping/advising you on any of this (not financially but in other ways)?

Don’t go broke trying to do everything their way if they’re not willing to help out…it isn’t fair and blahblahblah ppl will tell you life isn’t fair we all know that but still…why ruin your own future over a party? there’s so many events and costs that can be cut if cost is the biggest issue…everyone will whine and complain but they’re not paying so ignore them.

[soconfused]

Re: Overwhelmed

That's....so much more detail you really don't need to get into esp on here. It doesn't matter what they did for their daughter, you're not their daughter, and it really doesn't matter what someone elses family did either.

Dholkis are hosted by family members, YOU don't pay for anything! Is your mom helping/advising you on any of this (not financially but in other ways)?

Don't go broke trying to do everything their way if they're not willing to help out...it isn't fair and blahblahblah ppl will tell you life isn't fair we all know that but still....why ruin your own future over a party? there's so many events and costs that can be cut if cost is the biggest issue....everyone will whine and complain but they're not paying so ignore them.

I agree with the last part. If they're not putting in the $$ or effort, keep it minimal. That's what my parents decided in the end too. No need for a crazy hall, or insane food. Do it tastefully and low key. Spend that money elsewhere on yourself. We're doing what we can afford easily and want to spend and then spending the rest on me vs the events.

[Mausam6]

Re: Overwhelmed

It sort of sounds like your in-laws have a way of doing things (i.e. they expect the girl's side to foot the bill of the wedding just as they did for their own daughter) and they are expecting the same from you.

To be perfectly honest, I agree that some of these events really do NOT need to happen at all. They are unnecessary extravagances that are putting stress and strain on a relationship that is super-delicate to begin with.

Or you just need to quietly foot the bill and accept that the in-laws are doing nothing wrong.

Thanks, I read all the posts on here, and really took a few days to just disconnect from all the planning and think rationally. I sat down with my mom and showed her the responses here, so she has made a mental note on what to discuss with his mom when we meet, mainly your point on the unnecessary extravagances, because tbh its really stressful and Fiance and I are making sure none of us get stressed. We're going to first enquire how many events his mom wants/needs and see what we can cut down on and gracefully ask for their consideration on splitting the cost.

[Mausam6]

Re: Overwhelmed

@ehl-e-chamman

**

This right there my friend is pointing to possible trouble ahead. I hate to say it yet again but your inlaws may have incomes 16x, 60x or 160xs yours … understand that ALLL of that income is THEIRS to spend as THEY wish. Your friends weddings with bells n whistles OR what you would do IF you had the spare income is pretty irrelevant.
You know your finances … they sound quite confusing to me … but you know them. plan accordingly. clear your head of expectations. dont be a doormat for unrealistic requests that your in-laws might make. when the time comes .. you/your mom need to be polite and gracefully explain whats possible/doable for you.
Please do not be impressed/swayed/buried under the obligation of expensive gifts … they like you for who you are.

doesnt anyone go for small, elegant intimate weddings filled with people who genuinely care anymore? :hinna:

anyhow, good luck with everything … i hope it all goes according o your plans.

Thanks ehl-e-chamman, we’ll be politely requesting them to consider splitting the cost.

[Mausam6]

Re: Overwhelmed

I know a family that is ridiculously rich...they flew in guests from all over the world (almost 400) to India for their son's wedding....paid for 7 days stay at ITC Maurya etc. Heck Shahrukh Khan, Bipasha Basu, Anuskha Sharma and a few other celebs actually performed at one of the wedding events! The bride's family is middle class. The ENTIRE wedding was paid for by the groom's family (all expenses for guests, 6 days of lavish events, designer clothing, even hair/makeup artists available for all female guests etc). But guess what......the groom's family planned the ENTIRE event. The bride didn't even see her designer outfits until she flew to India a week before the wedding. The bride and her family had 0 input.

You should not even think about how much money his family has if you're thinking about thing YOU want during your wedding. You want something? Be ready to pay for it. If they offer to pay for your wants....that's great. But you have no right to expect that just b/c they're rich. And if they bring up their expectations that are lavish.....then you can simply tell them that you cannot afford it. If this family is anything like the rich families I know.......if you expect them to split the cost then they will want the events done to their standards, and will want their taste/preferences taken into account when choosing vendors/location and other details. In which case even 50% of the expenses will be WAAAAAY out of your budget.

BTW, my wedding was 1 day.....wedding ceremony in the afternoon and reception in the evening. Money was also a consideration when I planned my wedding, and I chose to cut out all other events in order to save money. I get that you have certain wants when it comes to your wedding....but you also need to use your brain rather than emotions and see if its really worth spending thousands of dollars on those wants for just that 1 day (heck not even a full day.....just a few hours).

Personally I think it's a horrible idea to wait until his mother is here on a business trip, meeting you for the first time, and where time is tight......for him to bring up this issue for the first time. Even then it seems there is no guarantee he will have the time to discuss it with her. You two really need to re-consider this. Ideally he should have this conversation with BOTH his parents right now....over Skype or other video chat. That way, BOTH his parents have a time to discuss this and think it over before his mother flies out here.

What his parents paid for their own daughter is not relevant here since you are not their daughter. Culturally, many families expect that the girl's side will pay for these events. It would help if they had another son that got married but doesn't look like that's the case.

Thanks Paheli00 I needed some tough advice.
You're spot on regarding this;
"if you expect them to split the cost then they will want the events done to their standards, and will want their taste/preferences taken into account when choosing vendors/location and other details. In which case even 50% of the expenses will be WAAAAAY out of your budget."

I brought the idea up of having a 1 day wedding with my mom, she'll ask if his mom is ok with Nikkah during the day at the Masjid/at the hall and then Shaadi/Walima at the same hall in the evening.

I asked him to discuss it with his parents over skype, but his mom told him she preferred to have this conversation in person. I do agree with you on the limited time though. Other family members of his are now joining us, I suppose his mom wants them to represent his parents during the planning because this family is in canada.

[Mausam6]

Re: Overwhelmed

That's....so much more detail you really don't need to get into esp on here. It doesn't matter what they did for their daughter, you're not their daughter, and it really doesn't matter what someone elses family did either.

Dholkis are hosted by family members, YOU don't pay for anything! Is your mom helping/advising you on any of this (not financially but in other ways)?

Don't go broke trying to do everything their way if they're not willing to help out...it isn't fair and blahblahblah ppl will tell you life isn't fair we all know that but still....why ruin your own future over a party? there's so many events and costs that can be cut if cost is the biggest issue....everyone will whine and complain but they're not paying so ignore them.

Thanks! I know I'm going to edit those details out now :) I figured it'd be easier when the full story is told. I'll be more careful.
My mom has no idea because this is her first time as well, so she's getting all the ideas and information from other family members. I'm going to try and do Dholki and mehendi at a party hall (they're usually inexpensive to rent from what I've heard) cuz I wont have enough room at home. Yeah, I'll have to cut costs somehow somewhere. Last I spoke to his sister I told her I had been window shopping for bridals (I don't want to break anyones back for an outfit I'll wear once) and first question was "which designer?" to which I just replied 'Its not a designer but I actually loved this one more than the designer ones I saw', and there was no response . So you're right, everyone will whine and complain I just have to ignore them without them knowing it.

I just realized it doesn't let me edit my own previous posts :/