Re: Overwhelmed
they said that they'll make the jewelry set so I guess it's all done. If not, my mom said she'll just get one made that matches my outfit since my family is paying for the baraat stuff anyways.
Great!
I can tell from your tone that you're feeling down about all of this. Just remember that all of this is pretty normal. What an exciting time!
Re: Overwhelmed
No i dont think she did/does … which is why she was mislead by her fiance (who also apparently doesnt have a full grasp on his parents plans either :D). I believe she has told us hers is a love marriage and that her in laws are v different from her/her family … so i think her familiarity is limited to her fiance. understanding in in laws … boy! thats a life long learning process for most 
this poor kid is in right smack in the middle of her lesson umber one!. I do sympathize with her.
Re: Overwhelmed
they said that they'll make the jewelry set so I guess it's all done. If not, my mom said she'll just get one made that matches my outfit since my family is paying for the baraat stuff anyways.
dont let this get you down! its just a very minor hiccup in the grand scheme of things!
enjoy your pre-wedding time! its v exciting! no matter the cost of attire!
Re: Overwhelmed
Respectfully disagree, ehl. I don't come from a super rich family and I know tons of people in my extended family back home who belong to the middle/upper middle class. In my circle, I don't know of a single family with daughters who doesn't plan ahead for the wedding(s). In families where some form of dowry is still practiced, the mothers spend an eternity collecting items for jahaiz. Same for families with sons (although definitely nowhere near as much pressure to do so) ... they save up for haq mehr (usually in the form of gold). The amount they spend overall on the wedding may not be a whole lot compared to the upper class, but within their own class, they do set aside some savings for future events.
Agree. And I don't think I argued anywhere that people should go above and beyond their means.
You're right, she was probably just basing her expectations on her family and the social circle she belongs to... not the entire middle class living in a particular geographic area.
No, I don't think that, ehl. But I think OP would know her in-laws and their spending habits after having interacted with them so much, don't you? Again, I wasn't speaking in general terms. The girl has said multiple times that her in-laws are better off than her own family, they spend lavishly on other items, and that her fiance even okayed the 2k budget, so in light of everything pertaining to her case only, I personally don't think that she was wrong in having that expectation. However, now that she mentions the other DIL, it actually makes sense that her in laws are trying to give equal treatment to both bahus. And since OP knew this, maybe she shouldn't have had such high expectations from the start.
I've known my fiance for more than 2 years at this point so I know for a fact that they like spending the money they have. My MIL has a 4 carat ring and they're all doctors, so I had no reason to suspect that 750 was going to be their budget. I only said I was middle class to convey why I was so confused. Because my family DID save up for my wedding (even though this is all kinda sudden) and considering our family is significantly less well off than them, my parents were able to spend more than 750 on my dress. I actually had no idea they had spent that much on the DIL's dress; that was a surprise to my mom and me, as well as to my fiance. We were out shopping for dresses 3-4 weeks ago and he knew the ones I had picked out were 4-6K and hadn't said anything. If anything, MY mother was the one that said it was foolish to spend that much on something and so she said she'd go and find something better for cheaper; which she did.
Had I known how much they spent on my sil, I WOULDN'T have expected anything more; but I didn't. Plus our marriage is a love marriage and my fiance's personality is world's apart from his brother's. He's been vocal all along about what I want and he knows my tastes (he's the same way or else this relationship wouldn't have worked out) so I didn't think that it would be an issue. Regardless, it's been resolved.
Great!
I can tell from your tone that you're feeling down about all of this. Just remember that all of this is pretty normal. What an exciting time!
I just felt bad because I thought I was being unrealistic and selfish and then on top of that my parents felt bad for doing something that they thought was helpful (getting a cheaper dress in their mind that fit the budget they thought they were given) and my in laws felt pressured (my fiance said that's not the case and they're fine with paying for it now that they understand what' going on) for paying for something that was double their desired budget.
Re: Overwhelmed
I can understand where the OP is coming from $750 does seem low when you can only find formal wear for around that price. It's unfortunate that there was a misunderstanding but hopefully now that everything is cleared up both sides will put this behind them. It's important to focus on the positives rather than the hiccups here and there. Hope that everything else goes smoothly for you!
Re: Overwhelmed
I just wanted to say, OP, all things considered, you are handling this very well! Well done! I think we've all heard from enough other brides here that would have ranted, raved and generally caused a huge fuss over this instead of looking at it as you have been. I hope the rest of your planning goes smoothly.
Re: Overwhelmed
I just wanted to say, OP, all things considered, you are handling this very well! Well done! I think we've all heard from enough other brides here that would have ranted, raved and generally caused a huge fuss over this instead of looking at it as you have been. I hope the rest of your planning goes smoothly.
Thanks! I know I can be a diva about certain things--clothes especially--but I'm trying to keep an open mind and focus on the bigger picture. It's hard...this is what I get for obsessively planning for my wedding for such a long time...dang Bollywood and it's unrealistic expectations!
Re: Overwhelmed
dont let this get you down! its just a very minor hiccup in the grand scheme of things! enjoy your pre-wedding time! its v exciting! no matter the cost of attire!
Thanks, you're right. Thankfully I have my parents and an amazing fiance who's been trying to mediate everything so it's all good aH.
Re: Overwhelmed
Best of luck @soconfused you seem to be handling it all very well! This was one of the things I was worried about as well, so we're kind of in the same boat, but now I'll be following the advice given by other guppans. I'm footing the bill myself for the mangni party, dholki's, gifts for his family, mehendi, and wedding (the money that was somewhat saved up for my wedding was liquidated at my own will 7 yrs ago for my dad's janaaza -- long story). His family is much more well-off/comfortable financially than myself (His parents earning vs me earning). So I'm trying to save whatever possible (not much can be saved after paying for living expenses and trying to budget recently...Plus bollywood has really setup unrealistic expectations) but somehow I'll figure this part out too just like you did. I haven't been able to enjoy my engagement at all, because of the stress, I can't leave anything up to anyone so I'm forced to manage it myself. If it were up to me I'd get a nikkah done and thats it.
Re: Overwhelmed
Best of luck @soconfused you seem to be handling it all very well! This was one of the things I was worried about as well, so we're kind of in the same boat, but now I'll be following the advice given by other guppans. I'm footing the bill myself for the mangni party, dholki's, gifts for his family, mehendi, and wedding (the money that was somewhat saved up for my wedding was liquidated at my own will 7 yrs ago for my dad's janaaza -- long story). His family is much more well-off/comfortable financially than myself (His parents earning vs me earning). So I'm trying to save whatever possible (not much can be saved after paying for living expenses and trying to budget recently...Plus bollywood has really setup unrealistic expectations) but somehow I'll figure this part out too just like you did. I haven't been able to enjoy my engagement at all, because of the stress, I can't leave anything up to anyone so I'm forced to manage it myself. If it were up to me I'd get a nikkah done and thats it.
Why isn't it up to you?
Why can't you, at the minimum, cut out extra events like mangni party and dholkis?
These are not mandatory and nobody can object if you decide to forego them.
Re: Overwhelmed
It really sucks (and I feel awful) for having my parents (or his, for that matter) spend money on us. We’re trying to keep it simple but, at the same time, I’m the oldest in the family and the first one to get married so my parents are stoked and wanting to go all out. I didn’t anticipate my dresses costing so much (my mother had initially set a lower budget) but she went to Pakistan and fell in love with an outfit (I couldn’t go with her) and decided to get it. I’m trying to cut expenses where I can.
Re: Overwhelmed
It really sucks (and I feel awful) for having my parents (or his, for that matter) spend money on us. We're trying to keep it simple but, at the same time, I'm the oldest in the family and the first one to get married so my parents are stoked and wanting to go all out. I didn't anticipate my dresses costing so much (my mother had initially set a lower budget) but she went to Pakistan and fell in love with an outfit (I couldn't go with her) and decided to get it. I'm trying to cut expenses where I can.
I completely understand your point of view and can really understand what you are feeling. To be honest I didn't know one could purchase bridals for $750 in the U.S. or Canada, I've been looking around (window shopping for now) and it's depressing to know that things are so much more expensive now for very simple designs/fabric. It just sucks when everything I pick out happens to be the most expensive item. It seems like shopping in Pakistan would be a better option except the airfare cost. I'm an only child and want to give my mom all the happiness I possibly can since I know she has desires for my big day. I haven't met my future mother in law yet (baat pakki happened over the phone bc we're all in diff countries but I'm meeting her in a few weeks) so I don't know how things will pan out, but I'll make sure to include her in everything of course. It's a one time thing and in my opinion if you really love the dress then go for it and enjoy your journey! I guess things will always happen to all of us where we can't control everything. I don't think you should feel guilty or awful. Your mom is equally important and so is your mother in law. I understand your mom loved the dress and bought it, I'm sure my mom would've done the same. I truly get what you mean about parents being stoked. I don't see anything wrong with it. It was just a misunderstanding and it'll pass inshaAllah. Most important is that your fiancé isn't misunderstanding you. You're both a team now so as a team he will have to do his part by making sure no hard feelings are created by his parents and you'll do your part making sure the same with your parents. I sincerely wish you happiness and a blissful marriage. Ameen.
Re: Overwhelmed
@Muzna Hi! I am actually trying to cut costs by planning everything and being as organized as possible, it’s just driving me nuts bc I don’t know where to start. As for the mangni party both families want us to have a medium Sized party for around 150 ppl which means that we can’t host it at home which is what I originally wanted. Now they’re looking into a mini banquet hall and I’m looking at $40 per head which will land me in the $5000 range since it’s a hall they’ll want a mini stage and then other things just add on. I tried cutting down the list to 80 ppl by removing close friends which really is terrible of me. But it’s still hard to host 80 ppl at home because during picture time or rasams it gets crowded and pics don’t turn out well. They wanted a mangni bc we’ll have a 1.5 yr gap till the wedding. For the dholkis I’m going to host it at my Khalas or at a party room but I’ll still have cost of food and the usual so it’ll Def come up to $1500 (I have a huge family of 30+ first cousins) so I can’t invite one and not the other. For the mehendi of course that would be a hall as well since it won’t be segregated. And then shaadi, well you know how much that can cost. Eeek. InshaAllah with Allah’s help I will figure out a way. But to be honest my priority lies in not spending all my savings (whatever little I may have) bc I actually saved that money for my mother as a little cushion just in case, she doesn’t know obviously. I don’t have the heart to use that money for something I can live without. My mom’s happiness and wellbeing, that I can definitely not sacrifice. Hence my freak out lol but yes I know I don’t have to do all these things but it’s just that I’ve always dreamt of this and I know my mom has always envisioned how things would be prepped, that it’s too hard to just not have these events. I just don’t want any regrets. I know this sounds weird… sigh. I know not all dreams can come true either but I’d like to try to make it happen 
Re: Overwhelmed
Hey mausam, if you live in Toronto try the halls chandni gateway, maple banquet hall or candles banquet hall. I looked into all 3 for my mehndi and they're well below $40/person if you go with something like a silver menu. Another option for cutting costs is hosting your event on a weekday. We're doing my mehndI at chandni gateway on a weekday evening for $20/person for the silver menu. See if you can work out a good deal :)
Are your fiances family contributing anything towards these functions? Dholkis aside. You said both sides want but it seems you have the burden of costs on you.?
Re: Overwhelmed
Hi, Thanks so much!!! Yea I live in Mississauga, hosting it on a weekday would really help me 
How many people are you inviting for your mehendi? How much does the stage really come up to? a few grand? 
Re: Overwhelmed
actually Mausam......150 people @ $40/head is $6000, not $5000.......and frankly that is way outrageous a cost for someone that is struggling with funds.
and yes....if both parties want the event to take place then why is the burden of paying for it on you? why aren't you guys splitting the cost down the middle?
as for dholkis.....I'm surprised to hear of any dulhan or dulhan's side EVER having to pay for a dholki. it was my understanding that dholkis are hosted by khalas', phuphos and/or friends.......
Re: Overwhelmed
^ v much agree with muzna!
split costs and dholkis (my understanding) are supposed to be spontaneous fun events hosted by close friends/relatives.
Also consider getting your bridal from pk using one of our GS home based designers @prototype, @Catwalk … they really are fantastic (ive used proto personally to get fancy clothing for my BIL’s wedding) and I bet you’ll get the biggest bang for your buck that way.
Re: Overwhelmed
who's side pays for the mehndi? my in laws aren't from here so they're not necessarily "hosting" because they'll be traveling. Is the cost on my family?
Re: Overwhelmed
if the mehndi is being held jointly then the cost is typically shared. if the bride has her own mehndi and the groom his own then the costs are incurred by each family individually and each family tells the other how many guests to bring.
my niece's mehndi was held in Karachi as her husband is from there. the mehndi was hosted by us but the cost of the food/venue was shared since both families rasams were done together and both families had guests invited.