Overwhelmed

Lifestyle Wedding, Fashion & Beauty
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Re: Overwhelmed

Yeah, I haven't really enjoyed being engaged because it's just constant stress about one thing or another. And it's worse because my fiance doesn't get it since he's a boy and for all he cares we could run away and elope right now.

Yeah, my fiance and I had a discussion and decided we're going to let the parents do the brunt of the planning because it's too much to handle emotionally for me along with school/boards. Our families are worlds apart and if it wasn't for the fact that we "fell in love", we probably wouldn't be getting married. My parents are typical punjabi with their lena dayna , rukh rukhao and his family is the opposite extreme where they don't do any of it .
You're right. I told my mom and he told his mom that we want to stay out of the planning and focus on school instead. I can't do much of anything when I'm miserable/stressed.

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Re: Overwhelmed

so where is your fiance in all this now? hasnt he stepped up and explained to his mom that he ok'd your budget? He needs to if he hasnt. In my opinion, He should also be paying for your dress... not your parents in law and you should personally be paying for your dress ... not your parents.

dont feel bitter. try to put things in perspective as others have said. Did you know that the average salary in Pakistan is less then 1000 (USD)? so is $2K an absurd amount to spend on a wedding dress you will wear for 4-5 hrs max? Frankly ... yes!
now do ppl do it anyway ... sure .. but in your case your in laws dont want to and thats ok. their budget of $750 to be spent in pk for a bridal was/is reasonable (not for USA though cuz desi boutiques are ready to skin you alive here). You might feel differently if the money was coming out of your/your fiances personal savings. Easy to live large on other peoples (your parents) money ...

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Re: Overwhelmed

He explained it to his mom and she reluctantly agreed to pay for the dress and not a penny more. Which is fine, because my mom said that she'll get my jewelry, purse, shoes, etc.

My fiance and I are both in med school and were going to wait till we were done but his family is more conservative and wants to "make it halal" as soon as possible. I wasn't aware that $750 was a doable budget, because quite frankly, no one I know has ever worn something for that price, but my main issue (besides thinking it wasn't reasonable...which apparently I was wrong about) is that my fiance gave the ok which is why my mom bought it and then his mom turned around and says that it's too much. I felt bad because my parents tried to make things easy for his side by making something better/cheaper than what they would've gotten here but it backfired and makes them look bad/greedy.

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Re: Overwhelmed

Has it occurred to you that maybe his family is "much much better off" b/c they're tight/careful with the money they earn and don't go spending thousands of dollars on clothes that will be worn once....maybe twice in your life? If your parents are choosing to spend tons of money on clothes for your fiance/in-laws....then that's their decision. This doesn't mean that his parents are somehow obligated to also spend similar amounts on you/your family.

Your fiancé should not have said "ok" to the budget since he's not paying for any of it. While I understand that you're young and inexperienced.....your mom should have had a direct discussion with his mother b/c she knew the ultimately, the money is coming from his parents....not him.

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I can understand how your parents must feel. Very unfortunate the way it all happened. Try to move past.
You are blessed and amongst the fortunate if you dont know anyone who wore a bridal 750 dollars or under. Thank Allah for it and look fwd to the time of even greater blessing s inshallah.

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Re: Overwhelmed

Their is NO UPPER LIMIT of how much you spend on something that you will wear for 3 hours (the bridal dress) and what will go in the bank locker and wait for zakaat time all life (jewelry). Unless they backed out on budget they settled initially OR your family not asking them about their budget before travelling to Pakistan for shopping, you shouldnt complain. Apnay shauq apnay paisoan se pooray karo.

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Re: Overwhelmed

These sorts of misunderstandings and miscommunications happen during the wedding. It's a high stress time and there are a lot of different people and needs and desires and dreams that figure in. Try not to let any one issue during this time spoil things for you. Just remind yourself, this is normal. And stay focused on the big picture.

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Re: Overwhelmed

Seriously, $750 is too little for a bridal in Pakistan? That's 75,000 Rs. Seems like majority of the people here only belong to the high end upper crust families or something where 75K is unheard of.

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Re: Overwhelmed

Interesting topic. I’m sure a lot of us can relate.

  1. To OP, a bridal dress under 1 lakh PKR is definitely do-able. You can try the not so high-end boutiques in the bazaar, get a replica of a designer dress made, or look for a heavy formal dress (not a bridal). Also, people negotiate a lot in Pakistan so if someone quotes you 1 lakh, you can bring it down to like 65K, especially if you have connections. You’ll be surprised some of the not so popular small shops actually have pretty decent dresses.

  2. A few semi-harsh comments from some people in this thread. :slight_smile: I agree with everyone advising OP to accept the gift with gratitude. :k: But to everyone saying the dress is worn for a few hours only or that people in Pakistan don’t make a lot etc. I just wanted to put it out there that a lot of Pakistanis save up for their big day so looking at someone’s monthly income alone isn’t fair. Also, what you wear should be reflective of your personal taste and social status. It sounds like both sides of OP’s family live outside of Pakistan, I don’t think she was so wrong in expecting her in laws to spend similarly to her own parents. But yes, should have checked with in-laws before buying it since they are the ones paying for the dress.

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Re: Overwhelmed

I’m afraid I came off snobby but that wasn’t my intention. I’ve looked at some of the stuff that was on the cheaper side and I seriously just didn’t like it. So when my fiance said that 2K was enough AND my mother in law told me I could pick whatever I wanted, I took that to mean that I could get whatever I liked within that budget–my fault.

Their 750 dollar budget is based on the fact that that’s what the other DIL in law wore…7 years ago. It wasn’t so much the budget in terms of “that’s all we can afford” or “that’s all we truly want to spend”, it’s been more of a “well she wore this so you have to do it too”. I guess it just bothers me (unfair or not) because the other DIL have very different tastes and I feel like I have to do whatever she did regardless of how I feel. It’s been that way with other stuff. The engagement was supposed to be bigger but they wanted it smaller because they didn’t do anything bigger for the other son/DIL. I never heard the end of how they got me an engagement ring but the other DIL didn’t get one (she didn’t want one for whatever reason). My family isn’t super spoiled or well off or anything like that but I’m the oldest and my parents are really excited for the wedding. Plus, being punjabi, there’s a lot of gift giving and traditions that my parents strongly believe in and take part in. But because their OTHER DIL family didn’t do any of that, my in-laws are treating my family the same way. Same budget, same expectations in terms of wedding. I’m basically having to have my budget/expectations reflect that times 7 years ago. Prices have gone up, things have changed, and more importantly, I don’t have the same tastes/desires as my SIL. So I guess the anger/resentment over the dress is more having to do with my SIL and the weird competition I’m in (I’m worried I’m coming across as the b***** “diva” DIL) with this other person that I have no desire to compete with. After this dress fiasco, I tried finding something cheaper but…I couldn’t. I didn’t like it and the stuff I did like (1 dress on Devon) was 7K. My parents already said they’d pay for the jewelry/makeup/hair/outfit if my in-laws have a huge issue with spending that much money so I guess it doesn’t matter.

Yes, I was expecting a budget somewhere close to my parents because 1) theyve had numerous weddings in their family so they know the cost associated with it 2) my family is much more “middle class” by every stretch 3) they’ve been pushing for a wedding even when my mom said that it might be better to wait financially, given that I don’t want a simple nikkah and actually want a legit shaadi. At that time, my in laws said that they know what I want and that’s fine and none of that is an issue.

I’m aware that I sound unreasonable but I’ve honestly tried to adjust my expectations A LOT with this whole thing so it’s a learning process. I just wasn’t expecting a family that usually spends super lavishly and is very well-to-do to allocate that much money for a dress, especially since they’re all aware that I enjoy dressing nicely and am particular about the desi clothes I wear. But I know now and I’ll manage affairs accordingly.

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Re: Overwhelmed

It's only a competition if YOU make it one.

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Its not about wedding, its about marriage.
But yea 750 is less ...

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Re: Overwhelmed

So the example of the uber rich guy's family I described before, the girl's family threw her an extravagant wedding with all the bells and whistles she wanted. Hotel, clothes, jewelry, dholkis - you name it, she had it. But her parents footed the bill to please themselves and their daughter. When it came for the valima, the guy's family did as they wanted. Again, it's all about managing expectations and not making our having demands for material things.

Being treated with love, respect, dignity and welcome is your absolute right - everything else is window dressing.

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Re: Overwhelmed

Just as you don't want to come off as the obnoxious bridezilla, they don't want to come off as the difficult, demanding, or unkind inlaws. However, they need to balance a lot more inlaw relationships, not just yours. It's one thing if your suit cost a tiny bit more than hers. But yours is nearly three times the cost of hers. What would happen if the next family wedding the bride was given a 6K jora made by a big designer? You wouldn't feel a twinge of sadness or resentment to your inlaws or the new bride? Even if it's silly and unfair to have those feelings, maybe they're doing their best to be fair to all of you to maintain a happy relationship with everyone. Inlaw relationships are complicated, and yours is not the only one they have to manage.

I'm not sure what you want now. You've said they've agreed to pay the 2K, so you have the jora you want, etc. What's the concern now? Be gracious. You don't want to look back and regret your behavior. You also say they know you're particular. You don't want them to become anxious or hesitant everytime they want to gift something to you. Every family has its own traditions and expectations, different ways of showing welcome, warmth, generosity, etc. Their ways and priorities may just be different from yours.

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Re: Overwhelmed

@soconfused
Unfortunately, with joint family system or in cases where parents are footing the bill, these things tend to happen. But to be fair, I can kind of see their point too about equal treatment of both DILs.

If dressing up extravagantly is so important to you, I'd say go all out on your baraat day but for walima, go with how they want things done. Purse and shoes should not cost a fortune. And jewelry usually is whatever the in laws give. Keep it simple. Usually, baraat functions have more attendance anyway so you can fulfill all your wishes on that day.

You should consider yourself lucky that at least they're being fair in that if they are not willing to spend as much on you, then at least they're not expecting any expensive gifts from your side either. A lot of people actually have double standards when it comes to this.

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Re: Overwhelmed

I don't want anything. That's fine and I am gracious that they offered to pay. Whatever is outside their budget, my family will pay for.
I was just elaborating because of some of the posts but perhaps I should've stopped while I was ahead.

Thanks for the advice.

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Re: Overwhelmed

sorry madz i completely disagree. most (notice i said most … not the super rich) ppl in pakistan dont and havnt saved up for weddings because they cant. all they earn is spent away in daily cost of living/education etc …
most families overspend at weddings and infact go into debt to foot the cost of a wedding because they feel they need to “put on a face/show/keep up with the joneses”
looking at income is absolutely essential and fair … though you may not agree … and thats because of the concept of “living within your means”. If a bride/groom earns an average mount but has saved up some … it makes no financial sense to blow all the savings on a an event that lasts for 3 hrs … and have nothing left for other eventualities that are also a big part of life … such as pregnancy/illness/accidents/medial bills/setting up house etc …

I agree. OP and her family can and should be able to spend whatever amount they wish on the wedding preps. For the sake of argument though, OP describes herself/family as middle class in USA. i’m not in a financial sector so donno how middle class is defined but going by what my accountant tells me and the US census data … average cost of living in California is approx $4000/mo. Ops parents spent $4K on her dress and have spent"a lot" on the inlaw gifts AND she tells us she doesn’t know anyone who wore anything $750 or less. So the spending here is probably v much a reflection of her/her family’s taste but it sure isnt reflective of the social status she claims.

I dont understnd that bit at all. you think everyone that lives on the same street/neighborhood/city or state/country has the same spending pattern? or should be expected to? surely not! there is significant disparity in spending/spending patterns even amongst ppl classified in the same social staus . I dont think anyone should expect anyone else to mimic their own spending patterns.

** sorry OP for derailing your thread a bit.

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Re: Overwhelmed

Also, I don't know if it's an issue for you guys, but I know a number of brides who have worn the same set for both main functions. Things didn't exactly match, but they looked lovely. So if they do not gift you a set to match the jora or if you don't have another that will work, and you can make it work with whatever you're wearing on your baraat day, wear that same set on your valima day, if you like.

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Re: Overwhelmed

they said that they'll make the jewelry set so I guess it's all done. If not, my mom said she'll just get one made that matches my outfit since my family is paying for the baraat stuff anyways.

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Re: Overwhelmed

Respectfully disagree, ehl. I don't come from a super rich family and I know tons of people in my extended family back home who belong to the middle/upper middle class. In my circle, I don't know of a single family with daughters who doesn't plan ahead for the wedding(s). In families where some form of dowry is still practiced, the mothers spend an eternity collecting items for jahaiz. Same for families with sons (although definitely nowhere near as much pressure to do so) ... they save up for haq mehr (usually in the form of gold). The amount they spend overall on the wedding may not be a whole lot compared to the upper class, but within their own class, they do set aside some savings for future events.

Agree. And I don't think I argued anywhere that people should go above and beyond their means.

You're right, she was probably just basing her expectations on her family and the social circle she belongs to... not the entire middle class living in a particular geographic area.

No, I don't think that, ehl. But I think OP would know her in-laws and their spending habits after having interacted with them so much, don't you? Again, I wasn't speaking in general terms. The girl has said multiple times that her in-laws are better off than her own family, they spend lavishly on other items, and that her fiance even okayed the 2k budget, so in light of everything pertaining to her case only, I personally don't think that she was wrong in having that expectation. However, now that she mentions the other DIL, it actually makes sense that her in laws are trying to give equal treatment to both bahus. And since OP knew this, maybe she shouldn't have had such high expectations from the start.