I used to help my grandmother during the last few years of her life and I was hardly 13 14 then. I took her to the loo, and looked after and also slept with her in her room in case she needed some help during the night. My mom also used to that for her grandmother. It is something we have been doing in our family from a long time and this value is instilled in us. I would definitely not be sending my parents to any old age home and would look after themselves. No matter how I was treated, I can never be able to repay them for the things they have done for me.
...do they agree with this, Aisha? If thats how they want it then thats lovely. My mom refuses. She will go to an elder care facility and has the legal documents to ensure that this will happen even if she became mentally incapacitated. I plan to do the same.
LOL I belong to a desi family, in our culture there is hardly any such so called thing as old age home. It is frowned upon. How many old age homes do you see in Dubai or Pakistan? It is only an option and facility provided to you people in the West. We do not have that option and we do not think about this option. When my time come's I am going to care for my parents till whatever the age that they live. I am not going to send them off to some old age home and we are muslims so I am not going to let some na mehram look after my parents unless the attendant is of the same sex. Even then I will be uncomfortable. Also the love that I can give my parents no one can and the same way the love your parents give you no one does in the same way. Nothing come's without strings attached in this world even love, only love of parents is without strings attached 99.9% of the times.
Aisha, from the perspective of a daughter who loves her parents very much, I agree with you a thousand percent. My mom's persistent independence bothers me and I've tried and tried again to convince her to come live with us lol! I have no say in her choice at all and she has gone to the length of having legal documents drawn to ensure that her wishes are followed. I've told her time and time again what a pleasure it would be to have her live with us, how I'd take care of her etc. She doesnt budge.
Yet, from the perspective of a parent, I understand my mom and her wishes. And I have no say in her choices here. Additionally, I will do the same. Never will I task my sons or their wives to care for me, I'd rather go to the most poorly run of state elder-care facilities lol!!! Not that I'd have to resort to that...like most westerners, I've set up a retirement account and provided for my elder years so that never would I have to resort to moving in with my sons when I get old. Like I've said before, in the west, its not a matter of "dumping" the elders. Its a matter of cultural difference which is I think the most poorly understood aspect between east and west.
I think we are confusing the issue between loving someone and having an experienced person taking care of the same someone. I love my mom to death, but if she is sick, I will seek a professional to take care of her, I will not show my love by insisting to take care of her health needs at that time
Some words are such a taboo in the desi dictionary. No wonder we haven’t progressed much since the stone age.. still barbaric, easily influenced by scantily clad women and men singing around the bushes but never pick sensible options from any culture. ()
Now that I have your attention, I’d like to say that in cases like X2 mentions right above, I think seeking professional help is more respectable than asking some nephew to keep you in your home and have his family treat you like a servant. Trust me, I have seen such situations. It’s sad. At least at the nursing home, they get their medication on time, they have social workers who help you with your emotional needs, you get your meals on time unlike relatives you don’t miss a chance telling you what a burden you are to them and how jannati they are to have taken their precious time to take care of you.
My mom and dad don’t have sons. Currently my dad works and is fit and healthy, mashaAllah, but some day, in their old age, my sister and I feel the responsibility to take care of them. Although they are self sufficient and can probably employ a full time maid/nurse if needed, we will take care of them without a shadow of doubt, and thanks goodness our husbands are mature and supportive about it. But I’ve seen families where old parents who don’t have sons spend their last days alone because their damaads are so insensitive and the daughters don’t have the means or resources to take care of them.
There are so many possiblities, but our options shouldn’t be limited.
X2 I think mostly either relatives take over or they stay with a maid. Not saying thats the best option but i think that is what mostly ends up happening.
niksik, its a question of available options, many ppl will say oh i will help my mamoon if his kids boot him, and I think in many cases that is true, most of us do not want our elders to be left without any support.
but in cases where someone does not have takers then what?
or there is long term illness or condition that requires specialized care.
options should be available.
the challenge is right now if you hear about anyone in a care facility first thing you think is, kids must be real ingrates..but is that all that there is to it.
x2 and nik, what is really heartbreaking in some situations is that many do not have a choice when it comes to elder care. In western society, we're taught and encouraged to plan for our own elder years with 401k plans, long-term disability insurance, loss of income insurance, etc etc. Theres also social security, social sec. disability and govt sponsored programs for the elders. Theres NONE of that in Pak. so elders have to rely upon the mercy of their offspring or other relatives. I feel for those elders for sure. I have the utmost of respect for my elders and would do anything to make them happy (HAVE done this actually, without complaint and at the emotional expense of myself and my children).
YUP....I go to a nursing home. I change diapers of my children. My childen DO NOT change the diapers of me.
anyhow, the point i was making was that there is no harm in having quality care options whether they have to exist because the person decided they did not want to live with family, had no family, had family that would not treat them right or keep them, or whether they need specialized care tough to give at home.
here is a question..so years from now, if a person is happy in his city and has a really good kid who wants the parent to stay, but then the son has a great opportunity, opportunity of a lifetime but its in a diff city/state/country/continent. as a parent, do u stop him? do you leave everything that you know to live with the son, or do you try to find some other option, whether it is stay at own home with some help, move to one of those elder independent and semi independent private communities etc.
I am sorry to say and its off topic, our desi community that often toots about how much love and care they provide to their parents as compared to the people of west; the same community calls their old parents to baby sit their kids when both husband and wife are working .. and even worst, they send their kids back home when wife is preparing for medical exams.
We treat our parents like an unpaid baby sitters for our kids, call them from Pakistan, de-root them from their comfort zone. I've seen old desi parents, feeling helpless because they are sitting in that old 2 bed room appatment and after taking care of their kids for so may years, now taking care of thier grand kids ..
TLK, no but those desis will argue that no no we called our parents so their umbrella shall be over our children’s head and our kids will learn urdu and Qur’an from dada dadi. That’s not babysitting :no:
yes, Dada Dai are unpaid baby sitters and unpaid Quran teachers. Al lin the name of "we are better then people of west cause we live with our parents" ..
I know that is not normal, but I am sure that everyone has seen such families where grand parents are living a trapped life in the name of love
but we cant make sweeping statements their either.
and thats the dilemma..if u have built a life somewhere different from where your parents are, do u give up your career and life, or do they give up their comfort zone? reverse the roles, we want best for our kids, would we want them to give up a good career ath to come live with us?
if I am retired, and living with my kids, hanging with the grandkids will not be a chore it will be what I would want. some help would be nice I suppose.
in the end ppl, perspectives, circumstances and choices vary. regardless of what it may seem like to an outsider.
what if you know that those old folks are not happy in what they are doing. What if you know that they would rather be at their home. I understand your perspective but what if they want to live their own life, have grand kids visit them (or they visit grand kids) once in 2 years and that is it
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