If you have very old family members (your own parents or parents in law) who requires assistance in things like going to the bath room / adult dipper change and stuff would you take the responsibility to do these things yourself or would you arrange something else??
Why do you think putting old relatives in nursing homes are considerd a taboo in desi culture?
Re: Old people
I would definately consider doing all that for my parents or inlaws- this is where Allah really tests us to see if their children are there for them when they are in need of assistance. I would want someone to take care of me when i get old and cannot depend on my hands and feet.
Tossing them in a nursing home is pretty much saying we dont want to deal with ur responsibilities-- its way too much for my everyday life. Thats my opinion. There's only little time u will spend with them- they wont be by ur side forever- cherish each moment with your parents.
Re: Old people
I read this HADITH about parents.
Hazrat Ibn Abbas (ra) relates that the Holy Prophet (saws) said,** "Children who treat their parent kindly with respect**, whenever they look at their parents with a sight full of affection and kindness, for each such glance Almighty Allah bestows upon them a reward of a pilgrimage.
Those present in the assembly asked, "If daily such a sight is casted one hundred times (even then such a reward will be bestowed each time)?" The Holy Prophet (saws) replied, "Yes, Almighty Allah is the GREATEST (HE bestows upon anyone whatever HE wishes, no one can hinder HIM), and HE is extremely pure (a reference of loss or deficit towards HIM is not right)
RC
Why do you think putting old relatives in nursing homes are considerd a taboo in desi culture?
I would definately consider doing all that for my parents or inlaws-.
I read this HADITH about parents.
Hazrat Ibn Abbas (ra) relates that the Holy Prophet (saws) said,** "Children who treat their parent kindly with respect**,
Yes and in conclusion to all these comments, it is absolutely fine to put them in nursing home , why? To save their dignity. Think of yourself, I will for sure feel very humiliated and depressed if I have my daughter or son in law doing that for me if in my old age, if I need that. I would rather have some service person (who is getting paid for this) would do that for me.
If god forbid something ever happens to my wife before me and my daughters are all big and married, I myself will move to a senior citizen home, just to save my dignity and spare them from any embarrassing situation.
It is our duty to look after our parents as they looked after us when we were young. Sending them to a nursing home should not be an option. If the going gets tough you can hire a nurse to manage some of the work, as it is a 24/7 job, i have seen cases where people have left their parents to their own devices in their own age, the only thing you can do is feel sorry for the parents for giving birth to such 'na-makool aulad' and curse the children for ignoring their parents when they are most vulnerable...
I pray that we have the patience to look after our parents and in-laws when they are older, but i also pray that they do not get to a stage in their life where they need 24/7 care and assistance, may they keep their dignity and pride. InshAllah
Re: Old people
Pyaree, finding a good nursing home for parents is not some kind of disservice to them as many of the desis think. YOu really think that none of the Gora people actually love their parents and hence throw them in senior homes? I like to think that its the other way around. Gora people love to give a dignified life to their parents, not the life where bahoo is charaa'oing her naak or grand kids refuse to go and hug dada/dadi because they are sick.
Re: Old people
There is this lady I know, well she is extended family. She is in a nursing home and it is heartbreaking. She spent her whole life making a home for herself, her husband and children and when she needed someone she was put in a nursing home. She has able children, 2 boys and a daughter. Her husband passed away.
She has health problems but not so dire that she can not be looked after at home comfortably. Aunty herself is not happy but is acceptant of her situation. She is an independent lady so she never questioned her children's choices and alhamdulilah has enough to live by on without ebing dependent.
I personally think if an old family member can be looked after a home, they should be. If necessary get house help and medical staff, but do not let them spend their last days on their own. When we are helpless as youngsters, these same 'old' people looked after us when we needed to be looked after the most.
Well Said :k:
My mother needs help.. I give her a shower and take her to the washroom and when I'm not home I've trained my younger sister to. Maids or hired help can never do it with the same love/interest a family member can..they're only concerned with the last few days of the month.
It's a blessing to be able to care for u're parents or any elderly person..
Re: Old people
oh man. i think it depends on who the person is, what they want to do, etc. everyones situation is different. when my nani got old, she was very sick and lived with us for many years. she just passed away a yr before my wedding and thats when it hit me, that i hadnt done enough at all to take care of her. my mom took care of her, our maid (amazing woman) in khi slept in my nanis room to make sure she was looked after all the time. i did take care of her from time to time, but anytime me helping her came in between me watching tv, going online, doing anything i wanted, i was upset. i hate myself for it now. she took care of me practically all my life, from infant to adult. she cleaned me, bathed me, looked after me when i was a baby and now i look back and feel awful and know i will always be there for my parents iA.
but people need help all the time. i dont know if i will be able to take care of my parents on all my own. i would not have any issue with hiring help to come into my house and help me take care of my parents. but i will definitely not let them live in a nursing home.
i do agree with TLk, people in the West want to give their parents a dignified, respectful life. theres nothing wrong with that, people grow up in different cultures, different households, different mentalities. i know for me and my parents, respect is when i take care of them in old age.
i always joke around with my husband that goras here have no problem looking after, feeding, their dogs, waking up at 5 am so they can take them out for a walk and then clean up their feces but they leave their grandparents in nursing homes and think its just gross.
i was part of a volunteer group in nyc that goes out and gives food to old and poor people. one time i went with two other girls to give a bag of food to a person. i had no idea at the time who this was. when i got to the apt, we rang the bell a few times, waited about 5 min, thought no one was there. finally an old, frail lady, white hair, could barely walk, with a hunch back opened the door. her voice was barely coming out. she lived alone in a walk up building on the 3rd floor. her apartment smelled awful! i felt so bad for her. and when we left we kept talking about how bad it must be for that poor old lady to live alone and we kept wondering what kind of kids would do something like that to their mother!!
I am so sorry to hear about your relationship with your children. Very sad indeed.
Masha Allah! :)
Its not about him having a bad relationship with his childern, but some parents are just NOT okay with being a bardan on thier childern. Its just like some parents expect, that when their son will get married, him and his wife will take over everything! Like my hubby to be's family is like that and i have no problem with taking care of them in anyway or need possible. But on the other hand my parents are the complete opposite, they would never want me to pick up after them, though i can careless, i will always be after them because i want too!
So what i'm trying to say is not all parents want to be takin care off like that.
Also, another factor is that when children take care of the parents, kids forget that parents should never actually feel like they are being takin care off, you have to leave them with respect. And its normal that its happens, you get so cought up in life because your so busy, you forget your parents still do have feelings and that no matter what you can NEVER treat them like childern, even if they act like it. Also along with this come showing pity, which is just as bad because no parent needs pity from their kids. And no matter what anyone says, its true. And if you think its not, well your not realizing what you are/gonna do in the future.
So if you go to a nursing home, they have no past connection with the people working there, so its never gonna be as bad if they treat you like that!
when i take care of my parents they will be full time guests in my house,and from there they came make themselves comfy as much as they want, but its all up to them!
Re: Old people
Certainly its the choice of parents where they want to go if means and facilities are available.
I have reservations about the care of old people get in nursing home and you just have to be very very careful and vigilant in choosing a nursing home for your parents.
In these days it may not be possible to take care of older parents all the time 7 days a week 24 hours a day for working children. But unfortunately, not all nursing homes are alike.
Senior citizen homes may be a middle ground. A place where older people live and intermingle with other older people. There are organized activities and tours for them and they feel semi independant.
Again these are not the places for Desi people since there are not any organized places for desi older people. Hence solution becomes for them to stay with their children and perhaps a part time or full time care-taker. Sometimes problems arise when they have no one to take care of them for lack of resources.
A real solution must be found as soon as possible. Have talked with people about this before in real life as well.
RC's concern is genuine. Females to take care of females and men to take care of men if this is important for parents.
P.S. Desi parents do not want to get involved in bingo, drinking parties, tour to some unknown hero birthplace or tomb.
Its not about him having a bad relationship with his childern, but some parents are just NOT okay with being a bardan on thier childern. Its just like some parents expect, that when their son will get married, him and his wife will take over everything! Like my hubby to be's family is like that and i have no problem with taking care of them in anyway or need possible. But on the other hand my parents are the complete opposite, they would never want me to pick up after them, though i can careless, i will always be after them because i want too!
So what i'm trying to say is not all parents want to be takin care off like that.
Also, another factor is that when children take care of the parents, kids forget that parents should never actually feel like they are being takin care off, you have to leave them with respect. And its normal that its happens, you get so cought up in life because your so busy, you forget your parents still do have feelings and that no matter what you can NEVER treat them like childern, even if they act like it. Also along with this come showing pity, which is just as bad because no parent needs pity from their kids. And no matter what anyone says, its true. And if you think its not, well your not realizing what you are/gonna do in the future.
So if you go to a nursing home, they have no past connection with the people working there, so its never gonna be as bad if they treat you like that!
when i take care of my parents they will be full time guests in my house,and from there they came make themselves comfy as much as they want, but its all up to them!
Gaia, I did not say TLK had a bad relationship with his children. It was very sad to hear that he would become depressed and very humiliated if his kids were to look after him in his old age.
Of course every person has a different relationship with their children and parents. Some can enter old age with trust and confidence in their families to take care of them. Others feel afraid and embarrassed that they will be a burden.
There is nothing wrong in hiring someone to help you look after an elder either. Back to Bebo's question, personally speaking I couldn't pay anyone to look after my parents or leave them in a nursing home. I couldn't trust anyone nor could anyone care for my parents the way my siblings and I do. My parents looked after me when I was a baby, changed my grimy diapers, fed me, washed me, helped me to walk - how amazing life is that one day the roles change over entirely! Now it is our turn to look after them just as they did when we were dependent. But no matter how much we siblings do for them, we will always be indebt to them for their kindness.
:)
*"The strain of caring for one's parents in this most difficult time of their lives is considered an honor and blessing, and an opportunity for great spiritual growth. God asks that we not only pray for our parents, but act with limitless compassion, remembering that when we were helpless children they preferred us to themselves. *
*The Quran says: Your Lord has commanded that you worship none but Him, and be kind to parents. If either or both of them reach old age with you, do not say 'uff to them or chide them, but speak to them in terms of honor and kindness. Treat them with humility, and say, 'My Lord! Have mercy on them, for they did care for me when I was little'. (17:23-4)" *
If you have very old family members (your own parents or parents in law) who requires assistance in things like going to the bath room / adult dipper change and stuff would you take the responsibility to do these things yourself or would you arrange something else?? Why do you think putting old relatives in nursing homes are considerd a taboo in desi culture?
This is a tough topic to give advice on. I know of a desi woman whose father has a medical condition (I won't name).......that makes him severely dependent on others. The father used to live with his married daughter. Of course all the children, who are adults, took care of their father the best they could........but they felt pride in their brother who was able to devote the most time and energy to their father. He cleaned up after the dad, fed him, took him to the bathroom. But eventually the father was placed in a nursing home........and that doesn't mean that his children don't love him. They visit him regularly and offer him emotional support. Placing a loved one in a nursing home is a difficult decision to make. But perhaps his children felt that doctors and trained professionals could give the expert care that his medical condition requires.
Yes, there are some people who place their parents in a nursing home and don't have the decency to even visit them unless it's a birthday or a special holiday. And THIS SCENARIO is CRUEL. But before we rush to judge people who place their parents in nursing homes.........we need to consider some factors.
**1) **We don't live with the person and may not know the difficult circumstances they are facing. For example, a single parent who has to work two jobs or long hours to make ends meet............and can't be home to provide the care that his/her dependent parent needs.
2) The parent might have a serious medical condition which requires the expertise attention of a nurse/doctor. As much as we love our parents.......not all of us are equipped with the training to heal or ease their suffering if they're severely ill. Some people try their best to take care of their parents in their own homes.........and even hire a maid to look after the parent while they are at work (somebody has to pay the bills)............and then resume taking care of the parents when they return home. But........if the medical condition worsens........they realize that they themselves and the maid combined are not enough to offer the appropriate medical attention.
3) TLK, **I understand your point that some parents would want to maintain their dignity by not having their kids take them to the bathroom/care for them. Some parents......(since they spend most of the lives being STRONG for their kids)......can't endure the thought of being weak and dependent upon them. **AT THE SAME TIME.............this situation can ALSO **go the other way. Some parents would prefer being changed and bathed and spoon fed by their children.........because the **FAMILIARITY makes them feel more comfortable........as opposed to being taken care of by strangers (no matter how professional/certified they are). SO AN AGING PARENT'S PERSONAL PREFERENCES ALSO PLAY A ROLE HERE. ** WE CAN'T ACCUSE THE GROWN CHILDREN OF BEING HEARTLESS IF THEIR OWN PARENTS INSIST ON BEING PLACED IN A NURSING HOME.**
IN CONCLUSION.........there are several factors that adults consider (illness of the parent, job, financial issues, parent's personal preference) before deciding upon a suitable arrangement. And that is why we can't rush to judge someone. AFTER ALL..........there are SOME CHILDREN.........who treat their parents LIKE CRAP while living under the same roof as them. So should we judge them as being BETTER CHILDREN compared to kids to respect their parents but due to circumstances can't take of them on their own????? One of the TOP COMPLAINTS that parents in nursing homes have is that their children don't visit them. Regardless of where the parent lives...........it is an** obligation to at least give them company in their old age. There is NO EXCUSE for failing to do this. If we try our best to look after our parents with sincere intentions and efforts......................that's what matters most.** And Allah knows when we do things to the best of our ability and with sincerity. If we don't even make the effort..............that's when we're in trouble.
May Allah make it easy for all of us to take care of our parents, Ameen.
Gaia, I did not say TLK had a bad relationship with his children. It was very sad to hear that he would become depressed and very humiliated if his kids were to look after him in his old age.
:)
*"The strain of caring for one's parents in this most difficult time of their lives is considered an honor and blessing, and an opportunity for great spiritual growth. God asks that we not only pray for our parents, but act with limitless compassion, remembering that when we were helpless children they preferred us to themselves. *
*The Quran says: Your Lord has commanded that you worship none but Him, and be kind to parents. If either or both of them reach old age with you, do not say 'uff to them or chide them, but speak to them in terms of honor and kindness. Treat them with humility, and say, 'My Lord! Have mercy on them, for they did care for me when I was little'. (17:23-4)" *
sorry hun i misunderstood!
But i loved your post!!!!!
Re: Old people
Hehe! No probs! :)
Re: Old people
Just remember:
1-What goes around, comes around.
2-Parents are like fragile glass. No matter what your childhood was like, they were the first ones who took care of you.
Re: Old people
i grew up in a home where lessons in responsibility and respect were taught by example, my ailing grandfather was cared for by my parents at home. he was mentally sound but bed ridden but i never felt or was made to feel as if he was a burden.
all us kids were asked to seek his blessings first at every imp event, start our day by seeing him first, inform him of our comings and goings from the very beginning so it came to us so naturally to see him as the figure head of our family. seeing such affection and care showered upon an elderly frail buzurg leaves a deep impact on the children growing up, without uttering a single word of naseehat, it speaks volumes of patience, love, dedication, respect and dignity. he had his rightful place in our family till the very last day, till his last breath he was an integral and involved member of our family and that gave him the dignity he so deserved. May Allah bless his soul, Ameen.
Re: Old people
^ Aww, that is so touching. May Allah Ta'lah swt Bless your Grandfather's soul. Ameen.
Pyaree, finding a good nursing home for parents is not some kind of disservice to them as many of the desis think. YOu really think that none of the Gora people actually love their parents and hence throw them in senior homes? I like to think that its the other way around. Gora people love to give a dignified life to their parents, not the life where bahoo is charaa'oing her naak or grand kids refuse to go and hug dada/dadi because they are sick.
I have seen my naani in this situation and Alhamdulilah, all her children and daughter in laws looked after her well, my naani hated teh care workers touching her..she only wanted my mum or her bahoos to help her out, as far as grandkids go, we all used to keep her company and even our children loved her to bits, so much so that they used to complain if they hadnt been to see her, the house feels so empty without her....we all miss her dearly
as far as non Pakistanis are concerned, it is heart breaking for elderly parents when their children tell them that it is best that they go to a carehome...they leave the life that they once knew and the house where they shared many happy memories behind.....i think sending parents to a care home is more about selfishness than love, as they dont want to take on the responsibility...i for one would not want to be left all alone surrounded by strangers at this stage in life.