Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

Lifestyle Relationships
41

Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

Your husband is at equal fault here.

42

Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

I wish I could use explicit swear words here for your MIL

Disgusting !!!!! You can't wear your own clothes!!!! I mean.really!!!!!

And ur husband!!!!!!!!!

And you!!!!!! Let this crap evolve for 7 years!!!

How many more exclamation marks can you see !!!!!!!!!!!!™

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

See!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now doesn't this make your own MIL seem like a saint???!!!!!!!!!!

Doesn't this make you want to use pretty poetry for your MIL???!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And doesn't this make your own husband seem like a heaven-bound martyr???!!!!!!!!!!

You should book a flight back to them asap!!!!!!!!!!!

:p

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

LOL @ RV

45

Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

Maybe some of your husband's actions are meant to maintain peace for all parties in the long run though it may appear he's overlooking you. So taking this into consideration, pick and choose which battles you want to address. Then discuss those major items with ur husband (assure him you're not trying to turn him against his parents, ways you've compromised, what the problems are, how it's affecting you, and how no substantial change has taken place, and that you need to work out a plan together).

If he brushes it off, then involve your parents/elders for a civil discussion. Have ur family stress upon reaching a concrete and mutual agreement...it shouldn't be brushed off or delayed. If nothing comes out of it....then tell your husband you'll be taking a break and will live with your family for a while so that the time apart can give you both the chance to figure out what you want and what needs to be done. This way you would have tried three things...one-on-one discussion/family intervention/distance. Maybe these three steps in succession will be more effective. What do you think?

46

Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

Dude, your MIL sounds like a basket case - sorry to be blunt but she sounds mental. I'd never know what to do with a woman like that so if I loved my husband to death, I might go through the trouble of ignoring her until she got the hint that I ain't changing, listening or going anywhere. Deal with it. As for your depression, you have kids and a life ahead of you. Your kids are young Princess...they're not old enough to understand what's happening. I think you need to take a stand for your children and literally push yourself out of the state of mind you're in. NO ONE can do it aside from yourself!!! I believe in depression being a real medical condition but I also believe in myself - I knew I could conquer it and so can you. Find your motivation and either change your life or change the people in it! Your husband sounds like he's non-existent. What's your relationship like?

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

I agree; my MIL has bypassed 'normal' even by her own sisters standards! I tried the ignoring tactic and it got to the whole "aama is not eating properly her BP is low she is very constipated because of it". No really that's what was said.

I've decided to sit down and talk about the situ point by point. As others on here have suggested the important stuff needs to be sorted out. It's not a case of if it's a case of it needs sorting NOW.

If I hadn't been seeking help I think I would have continued listening to my khalas and other loonies telling me I'm hormonal, this is how desi MILs are etc etc. I recall mentioning the fact whilst I was in Pak my MIL wanted her son to sleep in the same room as her and he didn't. She blamed that on me. I remember some on here saying literally I was in the wrong even though I've never asked my husband to do that. That's his Mother he has duties towards her but sadly he also has other duties he's failing in thus we need to sort it.

My in-laws demands for the lastest laptops, electronics, increase in household expenses by 40% in Pak plus the upcoming weddings, the gold, they want a car etc etc means my husband works everyday. I see him for 2 hours a day tops during that time it's a case of him watching TV and playing with little one for about half an hour.

Financially truthfully I used to work; had savings and that's what keeps little one in nice clothes. His financial responsibilities towards the household are forfilled; he pays the mortgage, bills etc. I pay basically for little ones days out, clothes and other bits and pieces.

@RV-I won't be able to involve my grandparents as they are apparently 'shaitaan' and don't financially support me even though they can. I personally refuse to ask them for money so my in-laws can buy a flash car in Pak. So to involve them is giving them more stick. Mum is refusing the deal with her Sister saying as far as my mums concerned her sister is dead; she lied to her face in Pak and that's enough for my Mum to stop dealing with her.
I'm confident enough in the situ to deal with him one to one. His family will only make things 1000 times worse if we use family intervention. They'll be BPs going low, hospitalisations and the fees to fill blah blah blah. Did I mention my MIL says I fake my diabetes because I asked for something sweet in Pak because my sugar levels dropped whilst I was out of the house with MIL? Yeah well erm I'm now convinced she fakes 99% of her illnesses thus she felt I must do so too. If he feels I'm turning him against his parents then the last 7 years are quite frankly wasted as his Mother has told anyone who will listen I am of bad charecter so I'm not sure if I'm the one trying to turn him against them or is it vice versa.

@Nadz-it's horses for courses. I guess we all deal with the drama differently. As I've said before my depression has been around for a while and whenever I've wanted to deal with the situ khalas have said 'oh no beta, your hormonal, you don't feel well thus you don't know what you want' etc etc etc. My Nani died year after I got married. My Dada and Dadi are really old and frail so I tend to not tell them stuff that will upset them and potentially make them really sick (my Dada takes 18 pills plus insulin a day so I don't want to upset him). So in a way as it was an arranged marriage I did wonder if I was looking at things differently because I indeed wasn't raised in a village in Pak so perhaps I was asking for more than I should.

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

Agar BP low hai aur constipation horahi hai - uske liye there are meds. Unko bolo low BP ki dawa lein and have some Metamucil. "Ammi, do you want me to send you fiber supplements?" Bass - qissa khatam as far as you're concerned. Kya karengi MIL? Will she starve herself? Will she commit suicide? She has to control you - she's too busy to commit suicide. Think of it as taming a wild horse...you have to go to the extreme to break them in and that's why they figure it out - there's a new sheriff in town.

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

And as far as your money is concerned - please spend as you wish. If your husband wants to give a detailed account with receipts to show what you're spending, that's his problem but you do what you want. Thora dheet bano.

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

Thank you Reha. I've decided to not go for a soft approach so it's make or break. Husband says he will be working late today so will likely speak to him tomorrow.

Thank you everyone for the advice. Here's to change!

51

Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

:-0 perhaps you would like to show your husband a few hadith on how making wife happy is also a way to jannah?

And showing receipts daily to inlaws.. Should def be a talking point. Its their main way of control.

Buy your own clothes regardless of how constipated mil gets. That is not your problem to deal with. Recognise her behaviour for what it is- emotional blackmail and deliberately ignore it.

Your mum may have washed her hands, but she needs to stand up for you, especially if its her sister and nephew who are involved.

Finally, if possible, get a job, and then get your independence. Dont do it the other way around.

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it everd change?

Wives are replacable Ma Mooli; that's what the Mofti says that they follow. Personally; I feel every Muslim has a personal responsibility to learn about Islam and the responsibilities we all have. I have tried by best with my MIL to the extent of I was aware they didn't have much property but MashAllah enough for them to raise their children in. I even said I was happy with no property being put in my name as 'security' as Allah knows best and I had no plans on screwing them over. But it hasn't panned out. Not a problem I'm sure Allah has a plan for me and I fit into that better than I do in my MILs ideal world. So showing Hadith will only result in what my MIL told me before; it's all fabricated. If you don't listen to your Mother or your husbands Mother then you go to Hell-Simples! You should also divorce on request of your parents. That's what I have been contending with for 7 years but not anymore. I know keeping ones in-laws happy is a great achievement however having to listen to how "auntie X's bahu earns £24,000 a year" and "auntie Z's bahu had three kids back to back and has bought her nands gold with the tax credit money" is near enough enough for me to apply for a divorce.

My Mother has developed depression which TBH is connected to the situ. My Mother spoke face to face with her sister about issues and she agreed to dealing with them and then as soon as my Mother left Pak she was back on the PC taking over. I swear Hitler has nothing on some MILs.

Re: MIL and her illness on demand. My other Khalas called this morning and were like "our sister wants the best for everyone" so I told them I wanted the best for my children. If they want the best for their sister they should suggest a better high fibre diet instead of biryani everyday because her son is in the West and they can afford red meat and chicken every bloody day. My Khalas were in shock and spoke to my Mother about my language. Mum told them to get a grip and butt out as it's too little too late; they've been watching their sister become a monster without thinking about the effects on me. I'm hoping that shuts them up for a while. They went off the phone crying.

I was MashAllah earning; I was on good wages too. My husband felt I would be better as a fulltime SAHM as he thought he could afford to look after everyone which he cannot. Once I have baby InshAllah the mission for a new job will start.

We've had a chat; and basically he's stormed out. I didn't shout I spoke calmly about the situ. Maybe he will return and decide to talk like an adult? Or maybe he's on the phone to his Mother asking for her to fix it. Whichever he chooses I've made it clear I am not happy in the situ; it's unacceptable and the behaviour will not be tolerated towards my children. End of story. As far as I am concerned I have tried my best to fit into the larger family however it hasn't worked out. I hope my husband completes his duties towards his family and children. As for me well we shall see if he plans to actually stick around.

If anyone out there is contemplating marrying their first cousin and their family is all for it I suggest you don't do it. Chances are as you are the one who grew up in a culture that is full or prostitutes, gambling, sex on demand, alcohol, pre-marital relations etc etc you will never be taken seriously and expected to be a doormat. My advice? If I had a time machine I would NEVER have married family. I would have happily taken the gamble of finding a partner in the UK I wasn't related too.

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it everd change?

So just say something like "oh that's really nice" and make yourself oblivious to the implied hint. Or tell her about your friends whose MILs don't interfere in their lives, don't demand receipts, let them buy their own stuff, etc. Make a list of this type of thing. When she cites one or two examples, run that list by her. Let it take 30 min or something. She'll think 10x before telling you anything like that again.

[quote]

My Mother has developed depression which TBH is connected to the situ. My Mother spoke face to face with her sister about issues and she agreed to dealing with them and then as soon as my Mother left Pak she was back on the PC taking over. I swear Hitler has nothing on some MILs.

Re: MIL and her illness on demand. My other Khalas called this morning and were like "our sister wants the best for everyone" so I told them I wanted the best for my children. If they want the best for their sister they should suggest a better high fibre diet instead of biryani everyday because her son is in the West and they can afford red meat and chicken every bloody day. My Khalas were in shock and spoke to my Mother about my language. Mum told them to get a grip and butt out as it's too little too late; they've been watching their sister become a monster without thinking about the effects on me. I'm hoping that shuts them up for a while. They went off the phone crying.

[/quote]

I know I'm evil, but I actually grinned when I read this. I'd expect it also brought a smile to your mother. Again, I'm not sure about the whole context of this but my assumptions would be you started showing firmness, now she's throwing tantrums again. She tried to get them to intercede and you stood your ground. The only thing I'd suggest is to be firm but keep it polite, based on the situation.

[quote]

I was MashAllah earning; I was on good wages too. My husband felt I would be better as a fulltime SAHM as he thought he could afford to look after everyone which he cannot. Once I have baby InshAllah the mission for a new job will start.

[/quote]

I wish you all the best with that.

[quote]

We've had a chat; and basically he's stormed out. I didn't shout I spoke calmly about the situ. Maybe he will return and decide to talk like an adult? Or maybe he's on the phone to his Mother asking for her to fix it. Whichever he chooses I've made it clear I am not happy in the situ; it's unacceptable and the behaviour will not be tolerated towards my children. End of story. As far as I am concerned I have tried my best to fit into the larger family however it hasn't worked out. I hope my husband completes his duties towards his family and children. As for me well we shall see if he plans to actually stick around.

If anyone out there is contemplating marrying their first cousin and their family is all for it I suggest you don't do it. Chances are as you are the one who grew up in a culture that is full or prostitutes, gambling, sex on demand, alcohol, pre-marital relations etc etc you will never be taken seriously and expected to be a doormat. My advice? If I had a time machine I would NEVER have married family. I would have happily taken the gamble of finding a partner in the UK I wasn't related too.
[/QUOTE]

You know, I don't know what Mufti your people are talking to. I've also attended a dars from a Mufti, when he was talking about marital issues, how husband and wife should try to work things out. He said something along the lines of "she's your wife, you're the one who's married to her. You should try to work things out with her yourself instead of going and crying to your mother."

Anyway, I wish you all the best; may Allah make things easy for you and provide an outcome to this that is beneficial and just for everyone soon..ameen.

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it everd change?

[quote=""Captain Obvious
I know I’m evil, but I actually grinned when I read this. I’d expect it also brought a smile to your mother. Again, I’m not sure about the whole context of this but my assumptions would be you started showing firmness, now she’s throwing tantrums again. She tried to get them to intercede and you stood your ground. The only thing I’d suggest is to be firm but keep it polite, based on the situation.**

***You know, I don’t know what Mufti your people are talking to. I’ve also attended a dars from a Mufti, when he was talking about marital issues, how husband and wife should try to work things out. He said something along the lines of “she’s your wife, you’re the one who’s married to her. You should try to work things out with her yourself instead of going and crying to your mother.”

Anyway, I wish you all the best""]

As for the conversation with my Khalas basically yesterday whilst they were on Skype I continued doing my errands; and when receipts etc were brought up I said I was too busy to get them and they should ask my husband for a detailed list of costs. She kept saying I should stop doing the washing but I told her that the sun was out and I neded to get the clothes on the line to save electricity afterall that’s another bill. So this morning Khalas called to say it was batameezi to not sit down and chat etc etc. I wasn’t rude just stated the obvious to them including the fact they all have daughters of a marital age and God forbid their MILs were like a control freak and stopped them from living a decent life.

As for examples of other families. Dude did that; and I was told I was ‘nahsukri’ and that’s why ‘there are more women in hell than in heaven’. So erm yeah two tier policy.

I used to go to Islamic lectures until the MIL etc started the campaign of they don’t teach the right things. I now listen to lectures online and for the life of me have heard again and again and again that we should try and iron out the problems in a marriage and that the 3rd person that intervines between a husband and wife for the wrong reasons is accountable for a lot of sins but just don’t tell my in-laws that.

That you for the wishes and advice it really means a lot.

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

No offense OP, but I think your husband can be the most effective remedy here. My dadi is also very difficult, and while my mom never said anything back, my dad would always tell dadi to back off when she was in the wrong. My mom never had to say anything.

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

No offence taken as I agree. I think more often that not a child knows how their parents are and how to handle them better than someone who has known them for a limited time.

My Dadi was also a difficult person when I was a kid; so I understand where you are coming from.

57

Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

I'd never marry into family - doesn't matter what happens. I'd never do it.

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it everd change?

Its sad that your husband is unable to handle your concerns regarding the marriage like an adult. Looks like things will get even worse before they get better. Stay strong! You will make your own life better and will get to a place where you're happy.......with or without his cooperation. BTW, please save your money as much as possible b/c you'll definitely need it if it comes to a point where you need to move out. Getting a job....even a part-time job isn't an option right now is it?

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

Honest to God I'm not being snarky, but the question on my mind is...What exactly is keeping you with him? What's stopped you from leaving him? Is he a good father?

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

Sara we had our issues as a couple; but when it comes to his daughter he actually is quite good. He plays with her, feeds her, talks to her, reads to her...you know the stuff you expect off a Father. Okay so spends limited time with her but the time he spends she actually looks forward to.

Plus I'll be honest with you; my father (past tense) was a lousy one. He rarely dealt with me. I used to give him Fathers Day and Eid cards and he would rip them up in front of me and say that it's a gora thing. Yes financially he's avoiding the expenses of dressing his child, holidays etc and that was addressed in our conversation before the big storming out scene.

Reha-I seriously cannot blame you for that. Truth is I was at the time 21 and to a degree guilt tripped into this ristaa. My Khalas kept on about how my Mothers family supported us for 2 years when my parents split so it was kinda like a pay off. Does that make sense? They said it would make everyone happy; and apparently my Khalu is a nice person who is hardworking, a great husband and father and so 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree'. It's my own fault too; I should have told them to shove it. I was fresh out of uni and didn't think carefully enough about it. I'd met the guy before and he was interested in my hobby of photography. He seemed nice enough and although he was still in education (which later on I found out he didn't actually complete the college just issued the paperwork on demand of a one off payment) he had what seemed like ambition. Then he moved here and it was all about money and the demands got bigger the control got stronger.

Paheli-thank you. I was expecting him to do that. He's acting like a child and I refuse to give in. I have become somehwhat of an expert at toddler behaviour and this is sadly no different.