Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

[Princess1983]

Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

@Captain_Obvious

In-laws making themselves ill? Well you know, sometime ago I was listening to this radio show where some doctor was talking about disciplining kids or something like that. One thing he mentioned is that iif a child holds their breath till they'll automatically start breathing again after a certain point. So, again possibly an oversimplified view of the situation, but I suspect if you don't give in past a certain point, they'll sort themselves out.

I watch SuperNanny and she mentioned something similar that if parents don't give into tantrums problems can be solved quicker. Problem being if I don't give in my husband will be offended as it's his parents. Ah will find a way hopefully. Thank you for the reminder.

[Captain_Obvious]

Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

@Princess1983

I watch SuperNanny and she mentioned something similar that if parents don't give into tantrums problems can be solved quicker. Problem being if I don't give in my husband will be offended as it's his parents. Ah will find a way hopefully. Thank you for the reminder.

How have you addressed the situation with your with husband? What have you told him? Don't you know examples of other couples whose in-laws don't interfere (as much)? Your mother is giving you the right advice. Anyway, start taking a stand on some issues. Name your children properly. Do they interfere when you try to pray salat? If they do, this should be another issue that you don't compromise on. The ONLY way you're going to make tantrums go away is to ignore them.

[Paheli00]

Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

I know someone who was in a similar situation (except her in-laws lived like 15 minutes from her). After years of hoping that something will change…she finally divorced him after 13 years of marriage (she has 3 kids). What finally made her snap is when the kids were showing the effects of control. The kids were picking up the clues that mom had 0 say in their household/their lives…all final decision was made by dada/dadi. And they also were starting to learn that it really didn’t matter what their mom said…if they didn’t like her answer, all they had to do is to go dada/dadi and get the “decision” they wanted. The divorce was finalized about 2 years ago. The woman and the kids have settled very well into their new situation (and yes the kids see their dad on a regular basis). The decision to leave and the time while the process was going on on AWFUL emotioanlly for her…but now that the storm is over and some time has passed, the only regret she has is not leaving earlier.

After 7 YEARS…I wouldn’t refer to this as “nipping it in the bud”. This is a full bloom garden by now. And the problem here is not your in-laws. The problem is your husband and his unwillingness to stand up for you (ie. his wife and the mother of his child). The in-laws are just following their son’s lead. Things like the name of your child, what clothes you wear, what wipes you buys, whether or not you go to dua for your nani etc…should all be decided between you and your husband. Yes your in-laws can share their opinions. But as an adult married couple, you and your husband should make the final decision on things like this.

Since your husband isn’t willing to take control of his own marriage and ensure that you’re being respected and given control of certain things in YOUR marriage…the in-laws have no reason to given you that respect either. If your husband isn’t supportive of you…why should his parents be any different? And if the in-laws have managed to retain this much control (with your husband’s coopearation) while living across the ocean…I can’t even imagine how things will be when they actually move in with you!

[Paheli00]

Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

@Princess1983

My Mother says I need to do what I think it right by my own standards and for my child (ren) rather than trying to impress or keep everyone else happy because I won't be able to do it all.

Your mother is right. You can not and will not be able to please EVERYONE. As a mother, your #1 priority should be the well-being (physical AND emotional) of your children. And of course, you can not be an effective parent if you yourself aren't well physically/psychologically. You must also consider what type of women you want your girls to grow up as.........and whether or not the current situation will allow for that.

[mizsani]

Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

@Princess1983

So to cut a long story short; is there hope for the women (and men) who are in a relationship where there is a lot of control from their MIL/FIL as they are elders?

The control I'm talking about isn't anything I've experienced before so perhaps it's a cultural thing?

Examples:

issues over naming children (in-laws disliking of religious names over those from dramas) this I would stand my ground or reach some sort of compromise. If you hubby says to let his parents pick, tell him that you or your parents will pick the next time.

Control over diet in Pak which isn't as easy as it may sound due to some dietry restrictions because of illness. *You are not living in Pak so just take some stuff with you that you need. Also, when you are there, do not cave in. Your health should be your priority so tell them that this is what you need to do. *

telling me to buy baby wipes in Pak because it will save their son money in the UK Just let them do it. lol. (Eventhough it must be embarrassing)

not allowing son (husband) to buy his own dwellings in Pak because his brother doesn't live in that area Let them do this also… this is control over ur hubby and if he doesn't care then you shouldn't either.

not allowing me to go do Dua for my late Nani (which is actually my MILs late Mother-go figure) *How would they know you did Dua? Just do it! Explain to hubby that this is important to you. Let your MILs pressure go down. She knows that by not eating and all, she can get her way. Thus, she will continue to control you unless you chose to do something about it. *

controlling the clothes and designs I wear. My husband wants me to wear Pakistani clothes, I prefer Western. He requests (he pays) for clothes to be sent from Pak but my MIL sends only the suits she would wear herself not really for my age range if that makes sense. My in-laws say it's cheaper to buy in Pak. When I visited Pak last year I went shopping with my MIL and sadly that was a disaster. Every suit I picked from Firdous etc she said she had seen on a 'cart' at her local market 2 years ago much cheaper and the suits were too expensive. *Can you ask your mom to maybe do the clothes for you? Or a sibling? Or another relative maybe? Just tell MIL that they found a cheap person to buy clothes from and you wanted to try it out. *

I grew up in a somewhat religious family; control wasn't a biggie we had rules we followed e.g. dinner must be with the family unless there is a logical reason you cannot make it. You perform 5 salats, you are not disrespectful to anyone and if you have an issue you go speak to your elders and if you cannot do that you ask an aunt or uncle to do it if your parents are uncomfortable to do so. There's no forced marriages, control over what you buy, how you spend your social time etc.

I am starting to feel trapped after 7 years of marriage. I visit Pakistan when it is demanded; not like before I was married. I'm worried that this chain won't break and my daughters will have to obey the orders too. I cannot for the life of me see the logic in this. *DO NOT GO there on demand… You do the same thing she does and tell hubby that it will not be good for your health. *

So to anyone who has gone through this form of control; does it ever get better? Ever? Is it a case of other siblings get married and the attention is diverted?

I'm currently in councelling for depression (for those who read my previous posts you may remember issues previously which fuelled my depression but due to pregnancy I've been sent to councelling rather than been put on a anti-depressant).

The team I see have no experience of desi'ism or culture in general; and one of my points of action is to decide if I can make improve the situation or do I need to leave. It's simple on paperwork. However their reasoning is mental abuse/torture (we don't go into that as clearly I'm a bad DIL) can cause longer term damage that DV and if I don't sort it I could potentially go down the chronic depression route. *I went through a few counseling sessions and the therapist was not familiar with desi culture at all. However, it was helpful and made my relationships stronger. *

For those who simply want to take a dig or make sniddy comments; unless I do so on your posts can't you go poke your noise in on a thread that needs you? Just a suggestion as I'm sure others will be missing you.

Just pick and choose you battles. Try to avoid drama but not while losing self respect. You have to show them that you ave a spine and can stand up for your self. They are unhappy when you are sacrificing everything… so why not make your self happy because they will stay upset no mather what you do,

[Princess1983]

Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

@Captain_Obvious

How have you addressed the situation with your with husband? What have you told him? Don't you know examples of other couples whose in-laws don't interfere (as much)? Your mother is giving you the right advice. Anyway, start taking a stand on some issues. Name your children properly. Do they interfere when you try to pray salat? If they do, this should be another issue that you don't compromise on. The ONLY way you're going to make tantrums go away is to ignore them.

He says his parents are sensitive and his Mother was her families 'ladlee' and got her way all the time and she doesn't mean harm by the way she is. He says she's never had a DIL before and the way we were raised towards religion isn't normal as most people think culture is important too which isn't how my Dada felt. Perhaps that's right but it wasn't an issue before. Now it seems to be a big thing.

I will sure as hell start taking a stand.

As for Salats-my in-laws believe the Masjid I attended as a child and the one we follow in terms of start of Ramadan etc is NOT right. Apparently they are not qualified enough to give advice. I spoke to my MIL about the fact I shouldn't be told to shake hands with non-Mahrems and she told me that the Masjid my Dada follows is warped.

Paheli00-I agree it's a pretty big garden and I need to make a stand and in no uncertain terms I need my husband to at least understand what's happening. No one wants his parents cut out, or for them to feel less important in their grandchilds life/or his for that matter however we need to be able to make some decisions that do not impact the family as such by ourselves if we can do so.

Divorce is something I have considered should things not improve as I don't want my daughters growing up thinking other family members need to make their decisions for them.

[Princess1983]

Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

To do Dua I needed to travel to my Mamus as it was the first time I visited Pakistan after her death. Of course I do dua for her anyway regardless; I just wanted to go and show my respect to her other children too. My Nani was a fantastic woman. She was a great role model and did a lot for my Mother and I wanted to show that I understood some of the things she did and how it must have been hard for her.

Yes will pick and choose battle

[Captain_Obvious]

Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

@Princess1983

He says his parents are sensitive and his Mother was her families 'ladlee' and got her way all the time and she doesn't mean harm by the way she is. He says she's never had a DIL before and the way we were raised towards religion isn't normal as most people think culture is important too which isn't how my Dada felt. Perhaps that's right but it wasn't an issue before. Now it seems to be a big thing.

I will sure as hell start taking a stand.

As for Salats-my in-laws believe the Masjid I attended as a child and the one we follow in terms of start of Ramadan etc is NOT right. Apparently they are not qualified enough to give advice. I spoke to my MIL about the fact I shouldn't be told to shake hands with non-Mahrems and she told me that the Masjid my Dada follows is warped.

Paheli00-I agree it's a pretty big garden and I need to make a stand and in no uncertain terms I need my husband to at least understand what's happening. No one wants his parents cut out, or for them to feel less important in their grandchilds life/or his for that matter however we need to be able to make some decisions that do not impact the family as such by ourselves if we can do so.

Divorce is something I have considered should things not improve as I don't want my daughters growing up thinking other family members need to make their decisions for them.

Of course you shouldn't be told to shake hands with non-mehrams. Even your husband cannot ask you to do that. That doesn't mean they'll stop telling you things, but you need to be able brush things off.

[Reha]

Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

@Princess1983

Okie, so just to clarify I need to refrain and control my responses if someone responds?

Just don't let it bother you - that's all

@Princess1983

Agree, I need to nip it in the bud. I just need a way that won't result in in-laws making themselves ill and potentially causing further problems.

My husband belong to a certain 'firka'/Masjid that don't believe in depression so it's kinda hard to get any support. Perhaps the depression is causing more problems however I am dealing with it in the best way possible at present. I go to the sessions alone. Their quite abrasive in terms of how they make me feel afterwards but if it helps me then that's good.

Jolie-thank you for the input. I also believe in the will/way train of thought. Just need to find the way!

I could go behind my in-laws back and buy clothes in the UK; however my in-laws ask everyday for updates and my husband tells them everything as they are his parents so they will find out about the clothes which would cause further drama. Plus if I asked husband not to tell his parents and I was seen wearing a suit they hadn't sent my MIL would start asking questions. It happened once before when I was wearing a suit I was given as a gift I forgot to show her before. Her BP went low, and she didn't eat properly for 3 days.

That's a bit much - so you only wear clothes she buys?

[Paheli00]

Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

@Princess1983

As for Salats-my in-laws believe the Masjid I attended as a child and the one we follow in terms of start of Ramadan etc is NOT right. Apparently they are not qualified enough to give advice. I spoke to my MIL about the fact I shouldn’t be told to shake hands with non-Mahrems and she told me that the Masjid my Dada follows is warped.

So which “way” will be taught to your girls? Are they going to be told by the in-laws/husband that what you/your parents follow is wrong? Are they going to teach your girls that its ok to shake hands with non-mahrems while you’re trying to teach them that its’ not ok? While it’s very easy to ignore little things like this when it’s just you in the picture…it’s not to easy when children are involved and they need to be taught certain values/morals/acceptable behavior.

@Princess1983

Paheli00-I agree it’s a pretty big garden and I need to make a stand and in no uncertain terms I need my husband to at least understand what’s happening. No one wants his parents cut out, or for them to feel less important in their grandchilds life/or his for that matter however we need to be able to make some decisions that do not impact the family as such by ourselves if we can do so.

Nothing will change without the understanding/cooperation of your husband. And yes, I agree the grandparents are important and should definitely stay involved in the lives of your children and you. However, as you said yourself…certain decisions regarding the two of you as a couple and the children you two created should be left up to you and your husband.

[Princess1983]

Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

@Paheli00

So which “way” will be taught to your girls? Are they going to be told by the in-laws/husband that what you/your parents follow is wrong? Are they going to teach your girls that its ok to shake hands with non-mahrems while you’re trying to teach them that its’ not ok? While it’s very easy to ignore little things like this when it’s just you in the picture…it’s not to easy when children are involved and they need to be taught certain values/morals/acceptable behavior.

Nothing will change without the understanding/cooperation of your husband. And yes, I agree the grandparents are important and should definitely stay involved in the lives of your children and you. However, as you said yourself…certain decisions regarding the two of you as a couple and the children you two created should be left up to you and your husband.

I won’t tell them it’s okay; I cannot rewrite Islamic rules. My MIL stood over me (I was sitting down) and shouted at me to shake hands with my husbands cousin because “he has been waiting can you not see that”. I of course gave my Salaams from a distance and felt that would be enough. But it wasn’t for my MIL. I attempted to discuss it with my MIL as I my SILs shake hands with them too. I attempted to talk about the fact it’s a non-mehrems flesh touching mine and it’s not right; sadly MIL says the only crime is sex with a non-mehrem. I was told I was ‘fasaadi’. It’s a sticky situ. My in-laws are already telling little one that all of my husbands cousins/second cousins are ‘chachus’ and when we visited my MIL even allowed one of them to take little one out without any other family present. Luckly her own chacha was outside the house and brought her back in. I was in the bathroom when this happened.

I’ve explained to my husband that although she will show respect to elders we cannot expect her to have the same relationship she will have with her actual chacha with the others as they are well non-Mehrems. He said we’d get to that hurdle and cross it later.

Reha-indeed my desi clothes are the ones I have been sent or bought whilst I was in Pakistan and shopped with MIL. When we were shopping last time I tried to explain to my MIL that my husband likes the fancy designer prints and fancy designs however she said ‘chakaris’ wear those type of designs and those ‘burger type from defence/DHA’ wear them.

Someone I know was in Pakistan the same time as me and invited me to her house to meet her family (her MIL/sils etc) and my MIL wouldn’t allow it because they lived in Clifton and all the prostitutes etc live there. My MIL thinks a certain way; and challenging it even with a conversation ends in disaster. My own Mother (my MILs own sister) has nothing to do with her sister anymore after my MIL said infront of lots of people that girls growing up in England have no future, no manners, are basically only good enough to work on the Streets in red light districts. She said it as a matter-of-fact-way.

Right I have a plan to work to.

I will talk to my husband and talk through all the points I feel need discussing. Leaving out anything that is neither here or there. I have previously spoken to him about the fact he doesn’t actually spend time with me and even though that’s enough for him and he’s happy with that arrangement I am not content with it so it needs addressing again.

I will ask him to work towards goals as a couple and how we can deal with the situation to the best of our capability and create a long term plan if that’s what it takes. But we need to do something because I can’t carry on like this; so if there’s no hope for the future it’s quite possible this is the last stop of our marriage. I know divorce is the least liked of the ‘Halal’ things within Islam however it’s sometimes a case of cutting loose to regain a life.

Thanks folks you’ve all helped me put things into perspective.

[angel25]

Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

U r lucky that u don't live with her. My in laws lives 2 blocks away and trust me sometimes I get so angry because my MIL has to know everything going on in my house. When she is here, she will check my closets and If she see something which I have not shown her then she would taunting me how her son is working so hard and I am wasting money on useless things.About ur clothes...well u should tell ur husband not to tell every little things to mom. Even if she see you wearing, just say your mom gifted u or some friend...Lol at sending wipes from pak. Tell her u had stop using wipes for baby ...seriously that's so cheap of her sending wipes from pak.

[terebina786]

Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

I'm confused. Does your MIL/FIL pay for your baby wipes, etc that they're asking to see receipts and such? That's the ONLY reason I would say that they have a right to do that. As for clothes and stuff again, if they're paying for it then then fine.

And I'd really love to meet this Mufti or whatever that says depression doesn't exist in Islam but in-laws can get mysteriously sick out of nowhere.

I would feel completely and utterly disrespected in this entire situation. It hasn't changed in 7 years, what makes you think it's going to change ever?

[ekumunng]

Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

@Princess1983

... Maybe it's not how you were raised. Not my issue.

Shocking! absolutely shocking, but I will not argue with you because you will drag me down to your level and then beat me with your experience in bad manners.

[Princess1983]

Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

@terebina786

I'm confused. Does your MIL/FIL pay for your baby wipes, etc that they're asking to see receipts and such? That's the ONLY reason I would say that they have a right to do that. As for clothes and stuff again, if they're paying for it then then fine.

And I'd really love to meet this Mufti or whatever that says depression doesn't exist in Islam but in-laws can get mysteriously sick out of nowhere.

I would feel completely and utterly disrespected in this entire situation. It hasn't changed in 7 years, what makes you think it's going to change ever?

They are the elders and hence their demand to see receipts etc has always been met without question. No MIL/FIL do not pay our day to day bills etc even when we are in Pak. As my husband sends a fixed amount of money monthly MIL demands to know where the rest of the money husband earns goes. This isn't how my family operate; however it's not my place to change this. I feel it's something my husband should deal with.

I don't think I'm respected; perhaps that's one of the things fuelling my depression. I don't expect my in-laws to be all nicey nice with me, or talk to me and treat me like their own child as I know that's unrealistic. I do however have a slight expectation that I won't be insulted in front of husbands aunts/cousins etc just on the basis of being their grandchilds parent.

I've not met the Mufti face to face. I've met the Alimah though. Seems like a nice lady but obviously we don't agree on the depression issue. She says Islam rules out depression as that means you are questioning life and the hand you are dealt which means you are questioning Allah so it's all in my head. I can respect her opinion everyone is entitled to that what I don't quite like is the fact what she says without actual Hadiths to back it up can be taken as gospel whereas anything I say is taken as something in my head even though I have medical reports to clarify that I am not making up things. Plus I've sought Alimahs help in the UK for depression and they've said that depression does exist; it's not about questioning Allah at all. Oh but that's a different thread.

I can see why you are asking about why I think it will change now. Truth me told I'm prepared to split from husband if need be. 7 years is a long time to not be yourself and try and keep everyone happy. My MIL has made it clear that she feels my fertility isn't that good as my first born was a girl. She's also not impressed with the fact she speaks English (my husband requested little one learnt english first to avoid problems at Nursery), and I don't mingle with men from the extended family. They come to the in-laws family and I sit in the family room but don't talk to them as I don't know what to say to them and she calls that disrespectful but I'm not used to it and she knew this before I got married. She doesn't want me having contact with my Dada, Dadi, siblings etc even though my husband goes with me and we never talk in secret because well there's nothing for us to talk about that I wouldn't tell my husband. My brothers out in Asia at the moment and my MIL asked my husband if I check his texts to make sure they are okay. I'm not sure what he is meant to text me with but there you go. My siblings (from my Fathers other marriage) are more towards religion and seriously do not discuss private matters. We chat about my little one, and the food out in Asia. Sounds bizaare but we're both mad about food!

She's also indicated she thinks I'm 'baadchaal' to her own in-laws because I was born and raised in the West.

I'm beginning to wonder if a part of the fuel behind her drama is the fact her son is now a British citizen so he could move back to Pakistan and be classed as a Brit and she could have 'shaan' over her in-laws. But then I'm not thinking properly.

[Princess1983]

Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

@angel25

U r lucky that u don't live with her. My in laws lives 2 blocks away and trust me sometimes I get so angry because my MIL has to know everything going on in my house. When she is here, she will check my closets and If she see something which I have not shown her then she would taunting me how her son is working so hard and I am wasting money on useless things.About ur clothes...well u should tell ur husband not to tell every little things to mom. Even if she see you wearing, just say your mom gifted u or some friend...Lol at sending wipes from pak. Tell her u had stop using wipes for baby ...seriously that's so cheap of her sending wipes from pak.

Sorry to hear that. My MIL feels I waste too much money too. My husband says his parents are his key to Jannah so he cannot hide things from them.

As for saying my mum bought them. I said once that my mum had gifted me a hijaab (she did so it wasn't a lie) and my MIL quickly requested to speak to my Mother and asked her if it was true and where did it come from/how old it was/how much it was. The relationship between my Mother and her sister (MIL) is now extremely strained.

My MIL actually told my Khalas my Mother was being financially supported by my husband. Truth is my Mother works. But she says such things to make herself look good.

[lafuriaroja]

Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

Other than your daughter, what are you getting out of this relationship/marriage?

You have no respect, no control, no freedom, no support, no enjoyment. I personally can't understand how you could even live this way for 7 years let alone contemplate spending the rest of your life in such an environment.

Maybe this is a simplistic view but the way I see it there has to be some point where living such a miserable life isn't worth it. I don't see how the alternative could be much worse, sure it will come with its own problems but hopefully with the support of family and friends you would have more control over your happiness.

@Princess1983

They are the elders and hence their demand to see receipts etc has always been met without question. No MIL/FIL do not pay our day to day bills etc even when we are in Pak. As my husband sends a fixed amount of money monthly MIL demands to know where the rest of the money husband earns goes. This isn't how my family operate; however it's not my place to change this. I feel it's something my husband should deal with.

I don't think I'm respected; perhaps that's one of the things fuelling my depression. I don't expect my in-laws to be all nicey nice with me, or talk to me and treat me like their own child as I know that's unrealistic. I do however have a slight expectation that I won't be insulted in front of husbands aunts/cousins etc just on the basis of being their grandchilds parent.

I've not met the Mufti face to face. I've met the Alimah though. Seems like a nice lady but obviously we don't agree on the depression issue. She says Islam rules out depression as that means you are questioning life and the hand you are dealt which means you are questioning Allah so it's all in my head. I can respect her opinion everyone is entitled to that what I don't quite like is the fact what she says without actual Hadiths to back it up can be taken as gospel whereas anything I say is taken as something in my head even though I have medical reports to clarify that I am not making up things. Plus I've sought Alimahs help in the UK for depression and they've said that depression does exist; it's not about questioning Allah at all. Oh but that's a different thread.

I can see why you are asking about why I think it will change now. Truth me told I'm prepared to split from husband if need be. 7 years is a long time to not be yourself and try and keep everyone happy. My MIL has made it clear that she feels my fertility isn't that good as my first born was a girl. She's also not impressed with the fact she speaks English (my husband requested little one learnt english first to avoid problems at Nursery), and I don't mingle with men from the extended family. They come to the in-laws family and I sit in the family room but don't talk to them as I don't know what to say to them and she calls that disrespectful but I'm not used to it and she knew this before I got married. She doesn't want me having contact with my Dada, Dadi, siblings etc even though my husband goes with me and we never talk in secret because well there's nothing for us to talk about that I wouldn't tell my husband. My brothers out in Asia at the moment and my MIL asked my husband if I check his texts to make sure they are okay. I'm not sure what he is meant to text me with but there you go. My siblings (from my Fathers other marriage) are more towards religion and seriously do not discuss private matters. We chat about my little one, and the food out in Asia. Sounds bizaare but we're both mad about food!

She's also indicated she thinks I'm 'baadchaal' to her own in-laws because I was born and raised in the West.

I'm beginning to wonder if a part of the fuel behind her drama is the fact her son is now a British citizen so he could move back to Pakistan and be classed as a Brit and she could have 'shaan' over her in-laws. But then I'm not thinking properly.

[Princess1983]

Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

^ I have thought about facing things head on a few times over the last 7 years however everytime I talked to family (khalas etc) I was told I was hormonal or my MIL needed time to settle into having a DIL or she needed time to adjust to having her son away from her all of which at the time made sense. However after 7 years life doesn't seem any better if anything the slippery slope is nearing the end for the life I'm living. I need change or to leave I think it's now as simple as that. I was worried about the effect it would have on my daughter however a lot of parents are better at being that when they are apart.

[anya]

Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

Had a lot to say but its no use I guess. How you have lived this life for so long is beyond me.

Your in-laws are mere drama queens. There is no mellow way of bringing a change in your life as everyone is used to treating you like this for 7 years. No matter what/how you do, its going to be shocking and them getting sick one after the other over things you do overseas is just too much!!

@Princess1983

My husband says his parents are his key to Jannah so he cannot hide things from them.

Sorry to say but your husband is such a hypocrite! Following what suits him and forgetting the other half where his duties towards his wife lie? Islam is all about balance and it never encroaches anyone's rights to give the others their due.

All I can say is all the best and this time just think about yourself and your daughter.

[angel25]

Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

Why the hell she have to check your bills to know where the money goes. If your husband is sending money to support then why she have to know every detail. I think your husband should tell her it's his money and no one has the right to question him.

Does ur husband take care of you well financially?