Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?
Is putting everything you wanted to say in an email an option? It would avoid confrontation and he can read it in his own time, think it through before he replies. Keep in mind he may forward them to his mum and possibly use it against you.. So careful with what you write down.
Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?
^ I wouldn't do that.
Based on what the OP has told us, her husband is someone who avoids taking responsibility for anything, who doesn't want to make decisions or be the head of a household because then he would need to take responsibility for his own future and his family's. He is happy to let his parents, other elders, and various religious leaders make all the decisions. Who knows what he will do with her email and to whom he will forward it.
Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?
My in laws are like that too. the only thing is you have to stand up for yourself otherwise you will become downtrodden. I have been married for a while now but still if my MIL comes visit, I have to wear the type of clothes she likes. She even told me if I lived with her I would have to use a "Sil Batta" and she wouldn't allow me to use a chopper and how she would get mad when she saw her elder daughter in law roaming around in a hairstyle of her own choice whereas if she lived with her (MIL) then the DIl would do her hair in the way MIl desired. Husband doesn't say anything because "ammi will get mad and depressed and may fall ill."
Funny about clothes. My Mil told my husband that what money he gives me needs to be cut down (I get a set amount of money from husband every month for expenses) as apparently I was able to save from that and make clothes for myself. My husband told her that my parents get me clothes (which is true 99%) but she didn't believe it.
Why the Op's in laws are interfering in money matters is because they probably feel (like mine do) that husband could send them more money if we cut down on expenses and also the Bahu is spending their son's money which their right first.
^ I wouldn't do that. Based on what the OP has told us, her husband is someone who avoids taking responsibility for anything, who doesn't want to make decisions or be the head of a household because then he would need to take responsibility for his own future and his family's. He is happy to let his parents, other elders, and various religious leaders make all the decisions. Who knows what he will do with her email and to whom he will forward it.
You're probably right. I am hoping he isnt the type to do as such but its still risky either way.
Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?
You're probably right. I am hoping he isnt the type to do as such but its still risky either way.
Ma Mooli; sadly it's true. He would rather others made decisions and he hides behind them. He was never this weak before he was married; in fact even my Mother has said he was the one the one everyone avoided speaking to about Bull etc as he wouldn't take crap from anyone. He wasn't the type of individual you would think class as someone you can control. Nevermind his Mother clearly understands how to. I've discovered he's a weak person. Being married to a weak individual grates at you no end and then you start doubting yourself.
I haven't emailed him; although my MIL is unable to actually read English in any shape or form. My BIL is the one that sets her up on the PC to torture us. She can read Urdu but cannot speak it fluently. I would have wrote in English but knowing my luck he would have forwarded the email to my trouble making Mamu so he could translate it to my MIL and her sisters.
We still haven't talked about the situation. I'm assuming he's coming up with reasons to why everything is in my head.
Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?
Eastern11-I'm sorry to hear about your situ. I hope it gets easier for you.
My MIL feels I spend too much fullstop. I could wash clothes by hand and save money on electricity use a cheaper detergent, get my Grandparents to give me money towards my child, apply as a single parent and fake it to get benefits! No really.
No one is doubting that parents have rights when it comes to their child. But if you are unable to give anyone else rights then I seriously don't think you should marry your children off. My MIL just wanted the British Passport but was unable to achieve that in any other way so begged her family to get involved and get it done this way.
Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?
Sara we had our issues as a couple; but when it comes to his daughter he actually is quite good. He plays with her, feeds her, talks to her, reads to her...you know the stuff you expect off a Father. Okay so spends limited time with her but the time he spends she actually looks forward to.
Yes financially he's avoiding the expenses of dressing his child, holidays etc and that was addressed in our conversation before the big storming out scene.
Being a father is much more than feeding/playing/reading to a child. Making sure he is able to financially support the child he helped create is MAJOR part of being a father. Another major role of a father is setting an example of being a good man. A man who fulfills his responsibilities towards his children. Its about showing his daughters that good men take care of their wives/mother of their children.
Children aren't stupid. They pick up on a lot of things as they grow up. The last thing you need is your daughter's to think that their father's current behavior is acceptable and then they in turn end up putting up with verbal/emotional abuse and/or controlling behavior when they get married.....b/c that's how they saw their mother being treated.
Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?
Princess - stay strong please. May Allah swt help you through this Inshallah.
Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?
We need to stand up for ourselves and be strong! My Husban's nephew is coming down here for studies and I am planning not to over burden myself. I am also looking for a job and am still have been unable to find one. But despite that I am now going to stand up for myself as much as I can and you should too. Prayers!!
Eastern11-I'm sorry to hear about your situ. I hope it gets easier for you.
My MIL feels I spend too much fullstop. I could wash clothes by hand and save money on electricity use a cheaper detergent, get my Grandparents to give me money towards my child, apply as a single parent and fake it to get benefits! No really.
No one is doubting that parents have rights when it comes to their child. But if you are unable to give anyone else rights then I seriously don't think you should marry your children off. My MIL just wanted the British Passport but was unable to achieve that in any other way so begged her family to get involved and get it done this way.
Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?
Well why should ur grand parents pay for ur child ..it should be ur husband.
Does ur husband tell his parents every details of how much he make, how much he spent etc..
Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?
U know what the problem is? She takes control over ur lives because u guys let her by giving her EVERY single detail.
Has ur husband recently moved to uk where he finds everything new including prices to be high that in laws ask or has it been a couple of years?
Usually when we r new to a country we share every detail with family back home and family back home usually gets concerned about
Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?
U know what the problem is? She takes control over ur lives because u guys let her by giving her EVERY single detail.
Has ur husband recently moved to uk where he finds everything new including prices to be high that in laws ask or has it been a couple of years?
Usually when we r new to a country we share every detail with family back home and family back home usually gets concerned about high prices (after converting). They don't realize pay is higher too.
U have to divert in laws' attn to something else. I don't know what but since u know em better u ll know.
Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?
@Angel25-he explains his expenses because his parents demand for finance increases every week-literally. They want money for a car, money to buy a plot, money to buy a new home to put up for rent, £3k for gold, £2k for clothes for their new bahu to be....money to buy another failed business. He (husband) thought if he clarified where his money went it would help them understand. But if anything it's created more problems.
Chaachi-I agree with you. My attempts at trying to keep everyone happy have resulted in being a doormat. Husband has been here for a while now-but still the in-laws continue being the way they are. "Such and such sends his Mother ponds cream and his Father vitamins" or "such and suchs son made all his sisters dowry from UK clothes". What the heck?!
Reha-I will do InshAllah. We still haven't had the chat. Perhaps my two night stay in Hospital because I became quite ill caused that? The stress was madness; and it resulted in my blood pressure becoming dangerous and needing monitoring. Anyhow after returning home he wanted to suddenly spend time with me and little one and go away for the weekend. He hasn't spoke to me about the situ however I've noticed a reduction is calls from in-laws.
Thank you all again for the advice.
Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?
I don't understand why back home people thinks that here money grows on tree. Seriously, ur in laws demand are too high. All I can say if they are like this then ur husband should not tell them his exact income.
Take care of ur self and all the best
Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?
I could do a long rant about what I think you should tell your inlaws, given your recent clarifications. Perhaps I'll do that later. For now though, I'll just wish you a quick recovery and all the best in your future dealings with the inlaws.