Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

Lifestyle Relationships
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So to cut a long story short; is there hope for the women (and men) who are in a relationship where there is a lot of control from their MIL/FIL as they are elders?

The control I’m talking about isn’t anything I’ve experienced before so perhaps it’s a cultural thing?

Examples:

issues over naming children (in-laws disliking of religious names over those from dramas)

Control over diet in Pak which isn’t as easy as it may sound due to some dietry restrictions because of illness.

telling me to buy baby wipes in Pak because it will save their son money in the UK

not allowing son (husband) to buy his own dwellings in Pak because his brother doesn’t live in that area

not allowing me to go do Dua for my late Nani (which is actually my MILs late Mother-go figure)

controlling the clothes and designs I wear. My husband wants me to wear Pakistani clothes, I prefer Western. He requests (he pays) for clothes to be sent from Pak but my MIL sends only the suits she would wear herself not really for my age range if that makes sense. My in-laws say it’s cheaper to buy in Pak. When I visited Pak last year I went shopping with my MIL and sadly that was a disaster. Every suit I picked from Firdous etc she said she had seen on a ‘cart’ at her local market 2 years ago much cheaper and the suits were too expensive.

I grew up in a somewhat religious family; control wasn’t a biggie we had rules we followed e.g. dinner must be with the family unless there is a logical reason you cannot make it. You perform 5 salats, you are not disrespectful to anyone and if you have an issue you go speak to your elders and if you cannot do that you ask an aunt or uncle to do it if your parents are uncomfortable to do so. There’s no forced marriages, control over what you buy, how you spend your social time etc.

I am starting to feel trapped after 7 years of marriage. I visit Pakistan when it is demanded; not like before I was married. I’m worried that this chain won’t break and my daughters will have to obey the orders too. I cannot for the life of me see the logic in this.

So to anyone who has gone through this form of control; does it ever get better? Ever? Is it a case of other siblings get married and the attention is diverted?

I’m currently in councelling for depression (for those who read my previous posts you may remember issues previously which fuelled my depression but due to pregnancy I’ve been sent to councelling rather than been put on a anti-depressant).

The team I see have no experience of desi’ism or culture in general; and one of my points of action is to decide if I can make improve the situation or do I need to leave. It’s simple on paperwork. However their reasoning is mental abuse/torture (we don’t go into that as clearly I’m a bad DIL) can cause longer term damage that DV and if I don’t sort it I could potentially go down the chronic depression route.

For those who simply want to take a dig or make sniddy comments; unless I do so on your posts can’t you go poke your noise in on a thread that needs you? Just a suggestion as I’m sure others will be missing you.

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

Focus on your ultimate destination and forget petty issues in Princessville.

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

Good times and bad times do pass.....change does come .patience is a virtue... but ofcourse u have choice to stand up for ur rights and u dont even live with inlaws...so its got to be better than living with in laws so somet hing for u to be thankful for.

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

Thank you for that. However for some of us 'petty issues' include praying and showing respect for deceased. Maybe it's not how you were raised. Not my issue.

Anyone who is feeling controlled starts to do things that hamper their 'journey' to their ultimate destination. A human can only take so much.

I'm looking for positive stories from those who went through something similar; clearly my time isn't going to be used well with you. However; thank you for your pearls of wisdom.

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

That's about to change. They are moving over here. But yes I understand the fact that the control is less as we don't live in the same dwelling.

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

^ Will they be moving in with you after they arrive?

How supportive is your husband in all of this?

I say do what you think is right/ best for you and your family, and stick to it. There will always be areas you can compromise on but the things that really matter to you, stick by your decisions.

I'm having a bit of a hard time comprehending how your in laws have so much control over your life when they're not in the same country? I mean how will they know what sort of wipes you buy?

Someone i know was married into a horrible HUGE join family. MIL was healthy enough but expected the DIL to make meals for her other children. The DIL finally moved out (husband got job overseas) and stuck to guns when it came to what to cook. The DIL is not responsible for her other children so if the MIL wants her kids to have parathas in the morning she should be cooking them herself.

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

Perhaps this is a simplistic view, but from what I've seen, the longer YOU let the control go on, it'll continue. The only way to break out of it is to start taking your stand. And in no way do I mean that you need to be disrespectful/unjust towards anyone for this. Set your mind on what you have to do, e.g. pray on time, give your children a good name that you like and that has a good meaning, make dua for whoever you want. That doesn't mean that you'll in-laws will stop saying what they want--listen and make your own decision in the end. No need to get into an argument over things, just do it. Sure it might cause some drama the first or first couple of times, but that's what I see will get them to give that up or at least loosen it up.

I've read parts of your other threads before, but I can't remember what's your husband's stance in all of this. I understands he knows about the depression etc. So what's he doing about it?

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

When there's a will, there's a way.

If you can make this post without her controlling your computer access or watching over you, I'm sure you can also order clothes of your choice from Pakistan via internet or directly calling the local designers or friends and family. I don't see any dead end in this situation.

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

Princess - you will not like some of the answers here - you need to understand and respect that.

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

:omg:

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

Wipes-MIL was told prices by husband when we visited Pakistan. She did the maths and said it was advisable to take boxes from Pak, and after whenever someone visited we could send money and she would get the boxes to them. Wipes are not an essential item which I agree with to some extent however we do use Muslin cloths too not just wipes.

Yes we will be living together InshAllah.

Husbands family have consulted a Mofti who says there isn't any such thing as depression in Islam. It's in my head so sadly support is minimal from Husband at this point. He doesn't feel 100% comfortable with Western diagnoses of medical conditions.

The control comes from the fact prior to internet chatting programmes (won't put name here don't want to be seen as advertising it) we called for over an hour a day and explained our day, expenditure etc. Now it's done over the internet and in details with showings of receipts. My in-laws are of course the head of the household, however somethings are getting a bit much for 7 years. It's also effecting my MILs health and I've said to my husband that my MIL doesn't need to be worried about day to day expenses. She usually converts pounds into rupees and says it too expensive living in the UK. Then she starts going on about the idea that the West is bad and she would feel better if I was to move to Pakistan with the little one and my husband can stay in the UK as Pakistan provides a better environment for a family.

If I go against established ways my MIL becomes ill. Her BP goes low, she stops eating, she starts crying all the time and then my FIL starts getting ill. So to keep everyone healthy it's a case of going with the way things are and trying to find a way out without rocking the boat which honestly I haven't been able to do but when you are told in no uncertain terms you need to deal with the situ to avoid it effecting your children you can start to panic. You start blaming yourself for not doing things differently and not dealing with things before rather than saying the elders know best which yes most of the time they will do due to life experience but sometimes they don't which is the problem.

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

Okie, so just to clarify I need to refrain and control my responses if someone responds?

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

Agree, I need to nip it in the bud. I just need a way that won't result in in-laws making themselves ill and potentially causing further problems.

My husband belong to a certain 'firka'/Masjid that don't believe in depression so it's kinda hard to get any support. Perhaps the depression is causing more problems however I am dealing with it in the best way possible at present. I go to the sessions alone. Their quite abrasive in terms of how they make me feel afterwards but if it helps me then that's good.

Jolie-thank you for the input. I also believe in the will/way train of thought. Just need to find the way!

I could go behind my in-laws back and buy clothes in the UK; however my in-laws ask everyday for updates and my husband tells them everything as they are his parents so they will find out about the clothes which would cause further drama. Plus if I asked husband not to tell his parents and I was seen wearing a suit they hadn't sent my MIL would start asking questions. It happened once before when I was wearing a suit I was given as a gift I forgot to show her before. Her BP went low, and she didn't eat properly for 3 days.

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

sounds like you need to deal with the issues with hubby first and then the MIL.
he seems to be the one that needs to make a stand.
if he can't respect your likes and dislikes, if he can't be sympathetic to your condition (i.e. clinically depressed) then you have bigger problems than where and for how much to buy wipes.

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

Agree. I'm hoping I make the right decision in all of this. Perhaps during my illness is a bad time; however it's also a time for me to reflect.

Re-the bold above. Rightly he says his parents are his way to Jannah. I understand that as that's right. I also understand that to keep a marriage ticking over we need to have a balance which is proving near impossible.

I've brought up the depression situ on various occasions. I was asked to bring him to a session and he said he'd go. Then when MIL said that the Alimah from the local Madrassah has re-told them it's in my head he backed out.

Saying all that; the issues I have are in my own opinion out of control because I felt I was doing what was expected of me. I also thought if I gave the elders everything they needed to be happy then one day we'd be able to possibly live a little however 7 years down the line it's not happening. Other family (in particular Khalas) said it was a case of my MIL adjusting to having a DIL not raised in the village and that if I go along with things it will be fine in a year or two. That I understand. However they asked for the ristaa, they wanted their son to move to the UK and become 'walatees' and now it's not what they want by the looks of it.

Thanks guys for the input.

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

Another girl? congratulationsssssss :wub:

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

another inlaws drama, yes your inlaws have control issues, but you need to deal with it.

As you said you are from a religious background, I am sure you do salat, please make dua for yourself and your your inlaws. Ask allah for guidance and help. You need to get out of depression, the more you over think and over react the worse your depression will be. I would suggest:

1) Stop over thinking everything. I can understand what you are telling here is unbearable but every family works differently so it is more of a compromise than complete change on both sides.

2) You need to have your emotions under control before you react, I think this one is very imp. When you get too low or down find a hobby or activity that you like and focus on that.

3) you and your hubby need to talk, I would say write all the issues you have, review and refine the list few times, and ask you husband to please talk/discuss those issues, please use we and us not me and I. It seems like you and your husband have to open the communication and be on the same page first before tackling inlaws. e.g you can suggest stuff like yes we can share the big purchases with them but petty little things are too much to share and bother your inlaws.

one more suggestion, under no circumstances move anywhere without your hubby, because it is cheaper to live there, it is very important that you, your husband and your kids stay together, pak or UK . What do your parents think about all this??

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

I went through something somewhat similar. I lived with my in laws for a year and a half. They would control EVERYTHING!
I had to wear shalwar kameez even at home, when I was more comfy in my PJs. I am a student so I would wake up around 7:30 am and cook and clean, go to college, finish all my assignments when I got back, and stay up with them watching dramas until 1 am. When I would come back
from college, I would stay in my room finishing assignments so they would complain about how I am always in my room.
I would also have to take care of BIL and SIL's kids (changing diapers, making breakfast, feeding them, cleaning up after them) as SIL would wake up at noon or later. They had a dawaat every week and I would have to cook meals for that even though I had exams. MIL would tell me to iron about 30 outfits, make pooris, samosas, & ginger and garlic paste in BULK. They also got meat for cheap from somewhere so i would not be cut up in pieces or cleaned so I would do that once a month. Oh and I would have to make about a 100-150 chapatis every other day. I lived in a house with maids and a chef before getting married so it was not easy at all. Plus I would get nagged about every single thing!
Hubby had promised we were going to move out after 2 years of living with them and we did and it is much better Mashallah! i can wear what I want, do what I like, and not nagged all the time. It is still a bit hard as we go visit them every Friday and I cook, serve, and clean up after everyone at their house. Plus FIL insists on buying the meat for the house (hubby pays him off course)… so I had to clean and cut up the meat like I had to before but I refused to ever do it again. I do not have 5-6 hours to waste. However, hubby insists but I don't plan on caving. I told him he could clean the meat himself if he wants his dad to continue purchasing it and I will have no complaints if it is in packets and all.
I goes you just have to pick and choose your battles. I didn't fight about everything but I did fight for things that were simply unacceptable.

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

In-laws making themselves ill? Well you know, sometime ago I was listening to this radio show where some doctor was talking about disciplining kids or something like that. One thing he mentioned is that iif a child holds their breath till they'll automatically start breathing again after a certain point. So, again possibly an oversimplified view of the situation, but I suspect if you don't give in past a certain point, they'll sort themselves out.

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Re: Not being able to make decisions because your MIL has to-does it ever change?

My Father is no longer with us. I have a Dada and Dadi but they are so old I could never tell them about my problems as it would only cause them upset.

My Mother says I need to do what I think it right by my own standards and for my child (ren) rather than trying to impress or keep everyone else happy because I won't be able to do it all.