No boxed gifts please

[janab-e-ali]

But here's the thing- YOU are one of the few who thinks it's demanding cash from guests. If that's your line of thinking then indeed, you are right. Nobody should "demand" gifts/cash from guests....If something like this offends you then you should start reading about different cultures and people.

Actually, I think YOU need to go and read about other cultures and people. People in Pakistan and India would be offended by your behavior. People in the US/Canada/Europe would be offended by your behavior. You and a small subset of the South Asian expat community in the UK/North America are the ONLY people who think this is remotely acceptable.

Frankly I had no idea my approval mattered so much to everyone...ironically, it's actually oddly flattering.

[Miss_Noland]

Re: "No boxed gifts."

^ LOL! If that's how they measure what's acceptable or not, I am certainly not a part of such society. I don't wear myself out with such stupid ridiculous unimportant things. I declare myself an outcast from here on!

Happy bickering and being bitter! :)

[Reha]

What I don't understand is that if you're so utterly convinced that there's nothing wrong with the practice, why are you getting all hot and bothered when someone disagrees? If I post a picture of an outfit I adore, and 10 people tell me its hideous, do you think I care? No...I know I have excellent taste, and I trust myself enough to go out and buy the outfit anyways. I think the fact that you're getting so riled up over this just shows that deep down inside, you think its a pretty tacky concept too, but you just don't want people pointing it out.

I said it before and I'll say it again:

If someone is so desperate to make a couple bucks that they're willing to sacrifice their manners and their dignity and ask for money outright, I certainly wouldn't dream of denying them their payout. So then why would they care if I, or anyone else, felt that their behavior was tacky? They wanted money, they asked for it, they got it...and they should be happy that they got what they demanded. Their actions have consequences - and they should know that such behavior will be considered unacceptable and rude by virtually all of their American/Canadian/European guests, as well as a sizable chunk of their Desi guests. No amount of bellyaching is going to change that. So if your're planning on demanding money, you need to live with it.

Totally agree with everything you said in this post!

You of all people should not be talking about manners and dignity...look at your posts. They reek of uncouth behavior to say the least.

Even if we chose to ignore your offensive behavior, the fact remains that its a personal choice that you have no control over or anything to do with. You dont get to make those decisions.

You need to get out more and actually socialize with people rather than sit in your hidey hole and pretend like you know. You have nothing really substantial to say there aside from "waah waah, I dont like it".

Actually, I think YOU need to go and read about other cultures and people. People in Pakistan and India would be offended by your behavior. People in the US/Canada/Europe would be offended by your behavior. You and a small subset of the South Asian expat community in the UK/North America are the ONLY people who think this is remotely acceptable.

Frankly I had no idea my approval mattered so much to everyone...ironically, it's actually oddly flattering.

We're not in India and Pakistan now are we darling? :) Contrary to what you say, people disagree with you. Thats the funny part. The cash gift did not originate among expats in the US at all. Do some legwork about that. I'll let you find out on your own.

Anyway, to each their own. Do what you want but dont look down on others because again...you're no one to judge or pick on their choices. Its not your wedding. Since people are still required to come to your wedding, smile and say you look beautiful regardless of how you really look...you should be extending the same courtesy to others.

Miss Manners ever taught you that? Grace? Eloquence? Class? Dignity? Anything? Come on! Give me something here!!!

YOU DO NOT GET TO PICK OR JUDGE WHAT IS RIGHT OR WRONG FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO DO.

YOU DO NOT HAVE THAT RIGHT.

Your approval means nothing...but your hideous attitude needs tweaking.

[gulab_jamun]

well said.....

maybe I just come from a very different family where we were taught that on your birthday it is you who should be thankful to Allah for having had another year with your loved ones so you are expected to treat them with a dinner.

even when I was young Ammi used to make me save up and contribute towards the cost of my birthday parties so that I knew that it was my responsibility to give......not expect to receive......many years later I found out that the money I was giving her (and some added by ammi and papa) was sent to my cousin in Karachi who would use a part of it to host a dinner (usually something the poor kids would not often eat like biryani) at the orphanage and a part was donated for their on-going needs. this is a practice that our family continues today.

it goes without saying that the vast majority of people coming to your wedding will bring a gift.....chances are it will be something they can afford......be it a small amount of cash or what you may consider a cheap, tacky glassware set.......don't be turning your nose up at it......don't complain about it.

if you don't like it.......donate it to some charity that will accept items instead of cash........they will thank you profusely and they will find someone that will appreciate it.

if someone comes without a gift.......don't complain about having to pay for their "butt on that seat".......you weren't holding a theatrical masterpiece for which you needed to charge a ticket fee.......or were you?

You know what makes beautiful people beautiful? Just this attitude. There have been several weddings in our community who replace the tacky "No boxed gifts line" with "we only need your blessings" or "All gifts will be donated to charity...No one talks abt the ppl with the "No Boxed gift" line; only a passing thought that lingers for no more then 2 seconds----- but we all talk abt the people we should be like and would like to be like...those that invite ppl ONLY for their presence.

[distinctiveflair]

"We only need your blessings" defies the purpose although its a lovely line and I would use it if I didnt care whether I get a gift or money.

By saying "no boxed gifts" you are not saying that you MUST not come without a gift. Who cares about that? When your getting married who actually keeps a count on who has given money and who hasn't? In the hulla gulla of the wedding thats the last thing on your mind.

All this "no boxed gifts please" implies is that IF you are going to give something to the bride and groom please do not make it a gift for whatever reason ie. they dont need it their house is already furnished.

Like I said in a previous post you dont buy a gift with excitement that the couple will have to give it away to charity. You want to give them something that will come in use for them and people prefer to be told so that their money spent doesnt go to waste. The only time I have ever bought a gift is when its been a close friend or cousin because were close I know exactly what they need or really want. Otherwise it is money.

Just from what you said about pulling out your cheque book and signing a cheque made me sick. You sound like the sort of snobby people that go to peoples weddings and complain about everything. Its sad because people spend alot of their money in trying to please people like you. Thank god you are not like anybody I am inviting to my wedding

Also luckily I dont have relatives like yours that make their guests feel like they are DEMANDING money by writing 'no boxed gifts'. We just take as the newly wed's mashallah dont need any appliances etc so thats good for them. We'll just give the bride a salami how we usually would on top of a gift anyway.

The people on here that can write 'no boxed gifts' and dont see it as a big deal is most likely because their family arent the type to degrade them over it or because they arent the type to make their guests feel like they are demanding money either. Nobody keeps check of who has given money in any of the weddings I have been to. Sadly it seems like people keep a register at the ones you attend.

[gulab_jamun]

@Sehrysh

I know that the "no boxed gifts" is increasingly popular amongst desis and some of the people on this board may have included it on their invite. So at the risk of offending some (well actually I'm not overly concerned about the offense), to Sahar's point that the "request" isn't even a complete sentence, I've a suggestion on making the request a complete sentence and actually saying what you mean when you say "no boxed gifts".

**"Dear guests (and we're not referring to our friends and family since they know us well enough to know what we do or do not need), for the privilege of accepting our invitation to attend our wedding, we require you to make a cash contribution. Please, no checks as they may bounce and we have got an immediate need for the cash to make payments to our photographer, the hotel and for our honeymoon plus all of the sundry costs associated with a wedding. **

With any money that is leftover, we may buy a car or put it towards a down payment on a home we will never invite you to since we do not know you well enough to continue our acquaintance.

Thank you and gift generously."

This will prevent any confusion for those guests who may mistake "no boxed gifts" as meaning "we're ecofriendly and do not want the gifts from coming in any extra packaging."

that's hilarious!

[janab-e-ali]

Wow…apparently mods aren’t even screened for rudimentary reading skills. Otherwise we could have prevented this nonsense:

@Reha

The cash gift did not originate among expats in the US at all. Do some legwork about that. I’ll let you find out on your own.

Do you not even understand the issue that’s being discussed here? I already addressed this in a previous response to one of your rants:

@janab-e-ali

The issue isn’t whether or not its okay to give cash gifts (I could care less about that)…its whether or not its okay for the bride’s family to demand them.

Seriously, work on those reading skills. It might keep you from embarrassing yourself like you are now.

@Reha

We’re not in India and Pakistan now are we darling? Contrary to what you say, people disagree with you. Thats the funny part.

Actually, what’s really funny is that you apparently didn’t bother reading, or simply couldn’t understand, the very next sentence in that post, which points out that Europeans and North Americans would find the whole “no boxed gift” line tacky. If you ever stepped off Devon Ave (since it appears that you only socialize with a handful of South Asian expats and have deluded yourself into believing that they comprise a majority of the US population), you’d realize that Americans believe that any mention of gifts on anything included in the wedding invitation envelope is in poor taste.

@Reha

Since people are still required to come to your wedding, smile and say you look beautiful regardless of how you really look…you should be extending the same courtesy to others.

Already addressed this too.

http://www.paklinks.com/gs/wedding/416560-no-boxed-gifts-11.html#post7309043

@Reha

…its a personal choice that you have no control over or anything to do with. You dont get to make those decisions…YOU DO NOT GET TO PICK OR JUDGE WHAT IS RIGHT OR WRONG FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO DO.

Someone picking their nose and farting in public would have said the same thing.

Like I said, if you’ve really deluded yourself into thinking that this is acceptable beahvior, and that most of society agrees with you, then why are you ranting and raving IN BOLD AND ALL CAPS at someone you don’t know, and will likely never meet, who believes otherwise?

[Sugar_50]

Oh get over it for pete's sake.

[somegroovychick]

Nobody keeps check of who has given money in any of the weddings I have been to. Sadly it seems like people keep a register at the ones you attend.

Actually, people do- especially the older folk. Parents like to keep track of who has gifted their kids what so they can reciprocate equally at the giftee's children's events. We do this in our family not with the intention to ***** about who gave what, but so we can thank them appropriately when we see them next time or when Thank You cards are sent out.

[distinctiveflair]

Really? So no wonder people feel as though they are being demanded of money from families like yours when your watching what people are taking out of their pocket and who isn't because naturally the ones not donating gifts or money aren't worth thanking.

We just thank everybody irrespective of gifts or money and we dont make people feel uncomfortable by watching what they give.

Maybe thats why 'no boxed gifts' isnt such a big fuss in our families and it is in yours.

[Reha]

@janab-e-ali

Wow…apparently mods aren’t even screened for rudimentary reading skills. Otherwise we could have prevented this nonsense:

Do you not even understand the issue that’s being discussed here? I already addressed this in a previous response to one of your rants:

Seriously, work on those reading skills. It might keep you from embarrassing yourself like you are now.

Actually, what’s really funny is that you apparently didn’t bother reading, or simply couldn’t understand, the very next sentence in that post, which points out that Europeans and North Americans would find the whole “no boxed gift” line tacky. If you ever stepped off Devon Ave (since it appears that you only socialize with a handful of South Asian expats and have deluded yourself into believing that they comprise a majority of the US population), you’d realize that Americans believe that any mention of gifts on anything included in the wedding invitation envelope is in poor taste.

Already addressed this too.

http://www.paklinks.com/gs/wedding/416560-no-boxed-gifts-11.html#post7309043

Someone picking their nose and farting in public would have said the same thing.

Like I said, if you’ve really deluded yourself into thinking that this is acceptable beahvior, and that most of society agrees with you, then why are you ranting and raving IN BOLD AND ALL CAPS at someone you don’t know, and will likely never meet, who believes otherwise?

1. You need help

2. You are rude, uncouth and presumptuous

3. Aside from your Devon cab drivers, no one else really considers this practice rude. Must I repeat myself?

4. No Boxed Gifts…there I said it. What are you going to do? No go to the wedding? Apparently not! Its not rude at all and YOU do NOT get to make that decision thankfully. Its NOT your call to say whats written on someone’s wedding invite is rude.

5. The alleged Americans that live in your tragic little corner of the world may think so…Im sure you have deluded yourself into thinking you’re right. However, the majority dont. I will let you find this out for yourself…not going through anymore trouble for someone so bitter.

6. Im not the one ranting raving, your posts are seething with resentment and tacky behavior. Which seems typical of you and your social circle so I guess it must be acceptable wherever you are. Perfectly understandable, carry on with it.

7. Regardless of what you want to believe, the fact of the matter is you write checks at these weddings and actually attend them. Why do you write the checks? Because “No Boxed Gifts” is written on the invite. So, you hate the peoples’ invitation, writing the check but you WILL go to show off your new outfit and stuff your face with biryani? Hypocritical behavior. Desies man…never let a gulab jamun go. You say something on an anonymous forum because you dont know anyone here and no one can really call you out on it but in real life dont even have the decency NOT go to the weddings harboring such resentment in your heart? Sounds like a hyporcite to me alright. Cant even have the guts to stand by what they supposedly believe in.

8. There are THOUSANDS of brides’ pictures posted on GS and we POUNCE on people who try to pick flaws in a bride on her big day. GENERALLY speaking, its considered RUDE…and I might even venture so far as to say even in YOUR circle it would be rude to make fun of bride’s wedding outfit/food/cake/decor/flowers/makeup/etc on her wedding. People will come to your wedding and AGAIN…regardless of how you really look are required to nod their head and say “yes, that bitter little woman looks sooooo pretty. aww, did you see how her forehead wrinkles up like that? so…um…um…uh…(long pause) interesting?” Yet here we are, nitpicking about a choice she has every right to make for herself on her wedding. Not your wedding, HER wedding.

You dont like it? Awww…boo hoo for you.

9. Are you married? Have you actually planned a wedding? Or even attended one? It seems like you’ve been living in a box all your life. Try getting out more! Try being social, actually associating with people…AND NO your shrink and/or therapist do not count as socializing. Go on, its okay. OH and smiling also gives the right signals…like you want people to actually associate with you. Okay?

10. I think its safe to say that associating with people like you is a waste of time. You dont know how to have a conversation, it seems like you only know how to be rude. Poor manners show poor breeding and in your case extremely poor breeding. Think about that BEFORE you post next time.

11. Stop being so angry and bitter. Its unattractive.

[janab-e-ali]

1. Stop being so angry and bitter. Its unattractive.

Darling, I'm not the one who's apparently foaming at the mouth in rage. I basically stopped reading your diatribe when you called me a "Devon ave cab driver," but I assume the rest of it was just as special.

Thanks, be the way, for demonstrating just how unsophisticated and low class you can be. It just further proves my point.

[gulab_jamun]

11. Stop being so angry and bitter. Its unattractive.

Reha, You need to drink some tanda pani and take a break from this thread...your nomrally pretty cool with ppl you disagree with...

oh yeah, and im not a cab driver, and I consider the practice kinda rude too, as do many ppl on here who have responded to this thread....but we're forgiving, overlook it in a 0.5 sec, and happily give them a monetory gift, becasuse we love them and that's why we were invited to their wedding in the first place...

Like I said, wouldn't do it at my wedding, and would tell my siblings and future kids not too either...too tacky for my taste. To each their own.

On my wedding I know that I am going to put "We only need your blessings, and all gifts will be donated" cuz I think that's cute and elegant, and I don't really need anybody's money- not that I'm rich or anything, but because I know we can do it our own! :)

[Reha]

Re: "No boxed gifts."

^ GJ, that sounds wonderful for you!

Btw, sorry I had to use your thanda paani on Janab-e-ali over there...had to put out bichari's flames somehow!

I just find the practice of calling other peoples' choices for their own big day TACKY...tacky in itself. You know why? Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What you find exciting, I may find unimpressive and Im sure its vice versa.

Its YOUR personal choice, great. Now what if I told you I find your line to be awkward and trying a bit too hard? Like a B-list model giving a super cheesy smile because she thinks she looks pretty doing it. :( I would not write that on my cards nor would I be all that impressed if I saw it on someone else's. There are plenty of ways to convey the same message and still come across as elegant and classy. Its a wedding card...not a birthday party Evite. At least use better language!!! :)

My point is simply that as a bride, I can choose what I want to wear, send out, have around me, invite and even what to write on my invites. No one died and made anyone else God so they can say "this is wrong". Its not wrong to write what you stated above on your invite...just not something I would ever want to have on mine because Ive seen it worded and executed better.

[gulab_jamun]

^ GJ, that sounds wonderful for you!

Btw, sorry I had to use your thanda paani on Janab-e-ali over there...had to put out bichari's flames somehow!

I just find the practice of calling other peoples' choices for their own big day TACKY...tacky in itself. You know why? Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What you find exciting, I may find unimpressive and Im sure its vice versa.

Its YOUR personal choice, great. Now what if I told you I find your line to be awkward and trying a bit too hard? Like a B-list model giving a super cheesy smile because she thinks she looks pretty doing it. :( I would not write that on my cards nor would I be all that impressed if I saw it on someone else's. There are plenty of ways to convey the same message and still come across as elegant and classy. Its a wedding card...not a birthday party Evite. At least use better language!!! :)

My point is simply that as a bride, I can choose what I want to wear, send out, have around me, invite and even what to write on my invites. No one died and made anyone else God so they can say "this is wrong". Its not wrong to write what you stated above on your invite...just not something I would ever want to have on mine because Ive seen it worded and executed better.

Now if someone, say your sister, or friend asked you about your opinion wouldn't you gladly give it to them....Wouldn't you say no plz dont use that lne cuz it sounds cheesy, or dont wear that color cuz it's blah blah...what ppl are doing on this forum is no different...OP asked a question, where sharing what comes to our mind, even if it's just for merely a few seconds....

Obviously this "no boxed gift" Routine is not that as socially acceptable as some may like to believe, hense why this topic shows up year after year, and gets 100+ respnses...on both views.....

And Reha, janeb -ali was making his/ points just as you were- both of you were just trying to answer/rebut each other's questions/answers...and it just got angrier and angrier and that was it...I;m pretty that both of you, and me are nice ppl in real life...who just have way too much time/and or procrastinating and thus we're partifipating in this discussion arguing abt who's opinion is better- a never ending arguement.

[Sugar_50]

On my wedding I know that I am going to put "We only need your blessings, and all gifts will be donated" cuz I think that's cute and elegant, and I don't really need anybody's money- not that I'm rich or anything, but because I know we can do it our own! :)

Theres nothing wrong in writing that line. :)

But I just want you to note that someone else reading it could take it the wrong way as well...They could take it as.."why would you be donating your gifts? Are you too good for what I am bringing specifically for you? My gift was meant for you not for chairty?" "I can drop it off at the local salvation army myself and might as well show up empty handed but then they would just think that is rude." "Why are these people trying so hard?"

I'm just saying, what you think you are writing is "OK", because ONLY YOU know your intention behind it which is you do not want people to go out of their way to bring gifts for you because you rather donate them. Thats fine...but that line can be taken way out of context just as the same as "no boxed gifts".

I think going with "Your duas and blessings are most appreciated." is better rather than pointing out that whatever people go out of their way to bring for you will be given to donation.....because your too good for it or you don't want peoples gifts (thats up the person reading the card)... And now can I ask, do you plan to donate the cash gifts as well? or Just the boxed gifts?....People can also come to those conclusions that you'll be keeping only cash envelopes and giving away all the other stuff. So that can look JUST as tacky. That basically suggests you'll be "giving away" anything you DON'T WANT. It doesn't really imply the intentions of doing a good deed.

Like, its all one in the same and what makes sense for you, won't make sense to another.....but hey thats fine, because its YOUR day, and you and your family know your good intentions to not care what other people think right?....So neither one of those lines are better than the other...

If the intention is to "give" then you might as give people a charity's name to directly donate the money and gifts to themselves....rather than leaving people room to make their own absurd assumptions and judgments about you and your family....just like people have in this thread and you have about the people who want to write "no boxed gifts."

[distinctiveflair]

Theres nothing wrong in writing that line. :)

But I just want you to note that someone else reading it could take it the wrong way as well...They could take it as.."why would you be donating your gifts? Are you too good for what I am bringing specifically for you? My gift was meant for you not for chairty?" "I can drop it off at the local salvation army myself and might as well show up empty handed but then they would just think that is also be rude." "Why are people trying so hard?"

I'm just saying, what you think you are writing is "OK", because ONLY YOU know your intention behind it which is you do not want people to go out of their way to bring gifts for you because you rather donate them. Thats fine...but that line can be taken way out of context just as the same as "no boxed gifts".

I think going with "Your duas and blessings are most appreciated." is better rather than pointing that whatever people go out of their way to bring for you will be given to donation. And now can I ask, do you plan to donate the cash gifts as well? or Just the boxed gifts?..People can also come to the conclusion that you'll be keeping only envelopes and giving away all the other stuff.

Like, its all one in the same and what makes sense for you, won't make sense to another...but hey thats fine, because its YOUR day, and you and your family know your good intentions to not care what other people think right?..So neither one of those lines are better than the other...

If the intention is to "give" then you might as give people a chairty's name to directly donate the money and gifts to themselves....rather than leaving people room to make their own assumptions ..just like people have in this thread and you have about the people who want to write "no boexed gifts."

Well said

[gulab_jamun]

Note taken! This is why it's important to give opinion straight up in forums and not criticize ppl for their opinions, cuz most aren't going to tell you this upfront (only on anon gorums), cuz your the bride and noone wants to offend you, and you can adjust what you want to put on your card accordingly, according whatever advise you do/ you dont want take into account.

[gulab_jamun]

Theres nothing wrong in writing that line. :)

But I just want you to note that someone else reading it could take it the wrong way as well...They could take it as.."why would you be donating your gifts? Are you too good for what I am bringing specifically for you? My gift was meant for you not for chairty?" "I can drop it off at the local salvation army myself and might as well show up empty handed but then they would just think that is also be rude." "Why are people trying so hard?"

I'm just saying, what you think you are writing is "OK", because ONLY YOU know your intention behind it which is you do not want people to go out of their way to bring gifts for you because you rather donate them. Thats fine...but that line can be taken way out of context just as the same as "no boxed gifts".

I think going with "Your duas and blessings are most appreciated." is better rather than pointing that whatever people go out of their way to bring for you will be given to donation. And now can I ask, do you plan to donate the cash gifts as well? or Just the boxed gifts?..People can also come to the conclusions that you'll be keeping only envelopes and giving away all the other stuff. So that can look JUST as tacky. That basivally suggest you'll be "giving away" anything you DON'T WANT. It doesn't really imply the intentions of doing s good deed.

Like, its all one in the same and what makes sense for you, won't make sense to another.....but hey thats fine, because its YOUR day, and you and your family know your good intentions to not care what other people think right?..So neither one of those lines are better than the other...

If the intention is to "give" then you might as give people a chairty's name to directly donate the money and gifts to themselves....rather than leaving people room to make their own assumptions ..just like people have in this thread and you have about the people who want to write "no boexed gifts."

^ Im sure reading my suggestion, makes you also understand why many have alternative interpretations of the incomplete sentence "No boxed gifts" and understandbly so, which is why NOW I htink anyt suggstion of a gift is better left out.

[Sugar_50]

Note taken! This is why it's important to give opinion straight up in forums and not criticize ppl for their opinions, cuz most aren't going to tell you this upfront (only on anon gorums), cuz your the bride and noone wants to offend you, and you can adjust what you want to put on your card accordingly, according whatever advise you do/ you dont want take into account.

Opinions and advice are one thing GJ....up right name calling and telling people they are of a lower class for making their own decisions on what is right or wrong for them...is a judgment call.

^ Im sure reading my suggestion, makes you also understand why many have alternative interpretations of the incomplete sentence "No boxed gifts" and understandbly so, which is why NOW I htink anyt suggstion of a gift is better left out.

I was never misunderstanding of that from the beginning. My problem wasn't with your opinions or suggestions about writing other lines that don't suggest you are asking for cash and I have pointed that out in previous posts. My issues were with the people telling people they have no class, they are uncouth, cheap, tacky etc etc..BECAUSE they want to write this. I am open minded to your opinions even if I disagree, but I would never judge you for yours. :)