no backbone?

Lifestyle Relationships
81

Re: no backbone?

If hes not concerned with his brother why does he want you to apologize to him esp when he admit his bro was in the wrong?

also you have answered the question yourself... you cannot trust him then why be with him

It might be ur BILs plan to get you to apologize to him thru his brother

Its best to stay away from this guy

82

Re: no backbone?

^I agree..... this might be just a tactic to get you back with him (and still prove to the ex that he's getting married), how do you know he will keep his promises after you agree to marry him. Don't forget your mother's advice also.

The way your sister and BIL behaved with you and your mom was despicable.... if you get married to this guy, they will keep interfering in your life..... he's obviously not going to cut all ties with his brother.
Stay far far away.

83

Re: no backbone?

OK I admit... the mere thought of him marrying some one else is making me sick.... when i was talking to him, I said "move on in your life, you'll meet some one nice...." and that that point i paused to think about what I had actually just said to him. it killed me from within to have even suggested to him to marry some one else.....

I used to think about him everyday....even though I constantly reminded myself of the huge drama that had been created by BIL and my sister, i couldnt stop myself from thinking about him.... I tried to stop myself from thinking about him, but his thoughts, memories kept reappearing....i guess i was missing him, I was in denial about it and kept on saying I hate him i hate him i hate him, but it would pain me to even say the word hate for him because i knew i didnt hate him. i hated his brother for putting us in that situation.....

I wish i did hate him, atleast it would be easy for me to tell him to leave me alone..... but i was so relieved to hear his voice... :( I know I am asking for trouble.... I wish I was stronger and could just shut my emotions and feelings out and just tell him to leave me alone....

84

Re: no backbone?

^You’re asking for trouble, don’t say later that we didn’t warn you. Waisay looking at the way things are, I highly doubt he’ll find someone else gullible enough to marry him.

Have you discussed this with your mother yet? You should go talk to her and see what she says.

Anyways, seems like you’ve made up your mind :hinna:… here’s what I recommend you do if you decide to patch up with him (which is like walking into fire), tell him no sharing any information about your relationship with his brother… none, PERIOD. Say the day he does that you walk out of his life. Tell him you will marry him only after he has moved out of his brother’s home and gotten a job (doesn’t matter what kind of a job, he just has to be financially independent)… even working at a gas station for minimum wage would be better than him depending on his brother.

And then, be ready for all kinds of interference in your life from your BIL and sister… after you get married, THEY will be running your life… you just wait and see.

85

Re: no backbone?

GBL u dont miss him, u miss the thought of having someone.
But if you rele do want to give it a try again do with MIA suggested that tell him he needs to be independent in all aspects of his life then come back to you. Tell him thats the only way you will consider marrying him.
This way you get time to see if he rele has changed or hes making it up, and who knows you might meet someone awesome during that time :)
But do not apologize to anyone or commit to anything.
Talk about it to your mother only, you will also this way find out if what is said between you and him actually stays between the 2 of you or not.

Do not rush into anything, pray to Allah to do whats in your best interest and then just live your life.

If you do get the courage then do tell him to get out of your life forever. because close relations are hard to avoid your bil will always b a part of your life and his controlling nature will always have him saying something to his brother. It is in your best interest to stay far far away from him

86

Re: no backbone?

red flag : apologize to my brother even if He is wrong. he's begging u coz u r out of reach, he won't be so compromising once u will be his property. u will end up aoliogizing to ur bil for his rudeness ur whole life.
btw hav u met hi previous wife, hav u ever asked her y the relationship didn't work for her. if u r thinking to go back u should def check with his ex and see wat kind of person he really is in privacy of his home.

87

Re: no backbone?

why should you have to apologise to his brother when his brother was the one clearly in the wrong? has his brother apologised to u? on top of that where was this guy when his brother was openly mocking u and ur emotions? he should have stepped up for u at that time if he had genuine feelings. this just shows that he has a weak character. honestly my advice to u would be to stay away from this guy. this has already caused problems for u and ur not even married to him. what's to say that next time something goes wrong he won't run off and hide behind his brother and get him involved in everything? i agree with ur mum that u shouldn't marry into a family where ur sister is married. i've seen this happen in my own extended family. once one couple falls out the other brother/sister ALWAYS gets involved and it ends up affecting everybody.

just out of interest is this guy rich? i'm asking cos it's not easy to buy a house and start up a business. it takes time, effort and money as i'm sure u are aware. does he have the money to do all this? from ur initial post u sound like a successful woman and obviously have some wealth... don't help him out financially if he asks u to. if u do want to take it further despite the past then let him do things off his own back.

88

Re: no backbone?

Dont all gasp at once now...but his ex wife is actually my cousin :o so, in answering your questions, yes i do know her very well, and had I felt that his first marriage was a failure because of him, I would never have had considered him.... now this gets interesting.....it was the second time she got married, her first marriage didnt work for the same reasons her second marriage didnt work -------> she didnt want to leave her boyfriend, even after she got married! Its something she openly admitted to!

(gosh, this must be begining to sound like some indian drama) :/

89

Re: no backbone?

i think u should do istikhara and ask him to do same. if u guys r meant for each other Allah will guide you. but if istikhara is not good then don't get weaken by ur emotions.

90

Re: no backbone?

Excellent idea!!! I attempted this previously and all I saw in my dream was us two running, sometimes away from each other sometimes towards each other so I didnt get what it meant! But i will attempt it again tonight and maybe even share with you guys the results....

91

Re: no backbone?

^ i think its pretty obvious. u hav already gotten ur answer. change ur heart n look for someone new.

92

Re: no backbone?

The thing that I find worrying is that he's a 25 year old adult...a man....(not a bacha) who ALLOWED his older brother to invade his privacy and YOURS.....who willingly provided his brother access to conversations between you and him......who KNEW how embarrassing it would be for you. At that age, one should have more confidence in discerning what is right and wrong. But this guy MADE THE CHOICE to hurt and humiliate you by allowing a third party to invade your privacy. Not only is he financially depending upon his brother......BUT ALSO.....in the more intricate and private matters of his life. In other words, this is a lifestyle for this guy. He is used to being dependent on his brother. And lifestyles/habits can be hard to change. You really need to consider this point.

And correct me if I'm wrong....but I thought that this guy told you that one of the chief reasons behind the desire for remarriage is to prove the ex wrong in her view that nobody would want to marry him. If this guy confessed this to you himself........that should make you even more wary.

And when I read your recent post, even I wondered if this might be a ploy concocted by them. The AMOUNT of anger your BIL showed in response to your rejection...........I have a feeling that he's not going to get over this anger or what he perceives as wounded pride/humiliation so quickly. There's a chance that your BIL might....for years to come......hold a grude in his heart that you had the "audacity/nerve" to turn his baby brother down. *****AND IF you marry this guy........ his older brother might let his grudge interfere in your marriage. In other words, your BIL might not be able to separate or isolate the anger. And this guy......is USED TO submitting to his older brother.....and it can be a challenge for him to maintain his independence and privacy. Which brings, once again, the point that lifestyles and old habits are hard to shake.

I'd recommend that you find someone else. OR....if you absolutely feel that you can't give him up at all while being fully aware of the possible problems that can result..........................then do what MIAinVA suggested and set some ground rules......and maybe give him a trial period of a few or even several months where he can prove that he can not only be independent financially but also have RESPECT for you as a woman and for the relationship. If he pushes the marriage even when you feel he's far from being inancially stable or mature.......don't go into it. And if he gets impatient/angry/defensive.........then it might possibly indicate that the intentions behind this sudden "turn around" may not be in the right place.

93

Re: no backbone?

^Well said.
Glad to have you back RV, especially after all those weirdo mundo, sassy posts you’ve been making :cb:

94

Re: no backbone?

I like the weirdo mundo, sassy RV ;) But to the point, you're just asking, no begging, for more drama drama drama if you get back together.

95

Re: no backbone?

hehe, I like those posts too but on the other hand, there are too many weirdo mundo posters on Life1 and only one "good-advice giving" RV :D

96

Re: no backbone?

Ok so results are in... i did my istikhara.... and the results I believe give a positive indication (though i will do another one just to be sure) I saw him feeding me mithai.... :/ what do I make of that?

So, he has been talking to my friend, who has outlined to him where he went wrong! He admits it and takes full responsibility. He says I should give him another chance and trial it until mid next year. he doesnt want his family nor my family to know about it until I am satisfied that he has fulfilled all of the criteria / promises and I agree to marrying him. And before he marries me, he says he will have bought his own house and have a job. He wants to prove that he can be independant. one thing I must add here is that he is not a resident of UK, he comes and goes frequently. He was born and brought up in hongkong, they have family business there (importing and exporting) so he left education early and got involved in the family business. Since my sister got married ( 7 years ago) my BIL moved to UK and started his business of import and export here and left his younger brother in Hongkong to look after the business there. As both of the brothers have worked on the business, they both have equal share of it, though the older one has more financial control of it.

Now, this guy is promising me that he is going back to hongkong next week, he will sell his apartments there and buy a house here. He says he needs some time to understand the UK market before he can start a business here, so he is spending time with his older brother who has been here for much longer than him, to learn from him, therefore although he doesnt have a job here right now, he is planning something for long run.

Part of me thinks, I should trial it. He is going back to hongkong next week and will be there for a few months, away from his brother and my sister. lets see if he delivers? I am keeping my options open. So no obligations, no strings attached etc. If he delivers then I could consider him, if not then I know that i gave him a chance and he blew it so its over!

As for the ground rules, what do you think these should be?

97

Re: no backbone?

Good points raised here :)

98

Re: no backbone?

Hmmmm Gloss since you have already made up your mind I will not give you any further advise. But the thing that comes to my mind right now is that why is he willing to do all these things for you (I mean all of a sudden).....why did not he think of these things before when you agreed to married him instead at that time he resorted to control you , to pressurise you to quit your job , prevented you from seeing your friends etc and allowed his brother to make fun of you , humiliate you and insult you. What I don't understand is the sudden transformation ....he is behaving completely opposite with you now as compared to how he behaved with you then ! Where did the bad guy in him go and when he and his bro all those things with you where was this current good guy in him hiding ?

think!

99

Re: no backbone?

i think you're making a big mistake.

100

Re: no backbone?

You made up your mind. But by my opinion it's really not a good idea. I think your BIL and "He" is playing with you since they want to "prove" the ex wrong. They are taking your vulnerability as an advantage.
Sab kuch tumhare saamne hai. You can't even trust him as you previously referred. There are SO MANY red signal lights, but you have chosen to ignore it.

Why don't you just let go. Stop having any contact with him. Change your cell nr. Email ect.

You're missing the bond you had with him. Missing someone to be with and care. Someone to think about every single day. Someone to love. This feeling will stop eventually, but it will take some time.

You are shooting yourself in the foot by marrying him.
Now it's said.