no backbone?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

something has been troubling me and I want to share it all with you guys. I need a reality check! I am having sleepless nights over this issue, i need some help from you all.

this story is about me and this guy, who is my older sisters dewar. Me; mid twenties, indepandant, have my own house, have a professional career, also run a small business in my spare time. Him: new to this country, (moved here from pakistan), mid twenties, No education, no job, lives with his older brother and my sister and depends on them financially.

Ok a few years back, I got married to some one from back home. (huge cultural fifference, age difference, language barrier etc etc etc) cut long story short, it did not work out! So the marriage was over.

so my older sister’s dewaar (younger brother in law) who is my age, also got married a few years back, it didnt work out so he also got divorced. So my sister and her husband suggested that we should consider each other as we are both in the same boat, both are aware of each others situation and most importantly we both know each other really well, have done so for 7 years or so, therefore no nasty surprises etc etc… so we both deicded to give it a go, we both wanted to spend sometime getting to know each other properly and then decide if we are right for each other or not. This happend around April this year. We told my mum about it and she was not happy at all because she felt that it would have an impact on my older sister, who right now is happily married, but her marriage could be affected by me going into their family too. Mum said that we should just remain sisters, not become sister in laws because it will complicate our relationship as two sisters… I thought mum was upset about my first marriage ending so she needed some time to come around to the idea and hopefully she will be Ok after a while and once the elders have sat down and dsicussed it amongst themselves she will take it more seriously…

Around july time, I was begining to like him, he gave me alot of attention and affection and i actually felt that maybe it will work out. So we both sat down and spoke to my older sister and his older brother and told them how we felt about the situation, and that we hadnt come across any thing major that would prevent us from living a happy life. i knew about his past, he knew about mine, he knew my family well, I knew his family well! things were going so well between us that his family started teasing him saying he will became a joru ka ghulaam etc etc…

We decided that if all goes well, then we would get married by easter next year. BUT then, I started to notice a change in him. He told me to stop seeing all my friends, he told me to delete my facebook, he wanted to have passwords for my emails, he would often check my text messages and call log to see who I have called and who has called me etc. He also handed over the reigns to his older brother (my brother in law), who became the decider for everything! He would decide what I can and cant do. They started moaning about my job and my business ( I have a fulltime job and a business to run, which has been doing really well)… I was expected to cut off from my friends, all of whom I have known for over 10 years!! I was expected to give up my job, I am a graduate and have masters! I worked so hard to get the job i have, and they wanted me to give it up and sit at home!

My brother in law became so involved in this that he started dictating to his younger brother how he should respond to my text messages for example. My brother in law was controlling everything! I had no choice but to tell them that if things continue in the same manner then it will be difficlt for my marriage to survive and that my brother ihn law should step back and give us a breathing space. It only made the situation worse!!! So i had no choice but to call off the wedding. i already have a failed marriage to my name and I didnt wnt to enter another marriage, knowing that there is trouble ahead.

They didnt take it well. you must have heard that story about that fox who couldnt jump up high enough to reach the grapes so instead decided to call the grapes sour??!! Yup thats exactly what happend here! because i said no, things have turned very nasty between us. My brother in law (and even my own sister) have been saying some horrible things about me. I have been called every name under the sun. It has caused a huge rift in our family.

I wish I had listened to my mum. she was right. Its all my fault.

I also still like the guy, despite what has happend because I know deep down, if it was just him and me left to our resources, we would ahve made it work, but because others were interefering that I had to put a stop to it. I know he is helpless because he is so dependant on his brother, he does not have a backbone! he doesnt want to offend his older brother because he owes everything he has to his older brother!

i am just gutted that it has ended, but at the same time relieved because it was getting too much for me to bear.

My question is; what have i done wrong? where did I go wrong? how can I just forget about this all and move on?

2

Re: no backbone?

you need to compromise alot in marriage.....learn from your older sister :)

3

Re: no backbone?

Well I dont see you did anything wrong anywhere. I would have done the same.

The boy didnt deserve a gal like you. You definitely deserve better. There should be some compatibility between boy n gal and i found that missing in this pair. anyone can act all good for a while. isnt? You cannot bring zameen and asmaan together, can you? so he was not your match to begin with.

This guy and his bro would have made ur life hell if it had reached to marriage point.

You are in mid 20s, do not hurry. There are a lot of nice boys around, and i am sure you will find the man of your dreams too. Just dont rush it plz for the sake of getting married. Mishaps are part of life and we do not carry their burden with us but we learn and move on.

coz thats best for us.

2ndly now when you have realized that your mum was right, do not think about this guy again. You gave him a chance, you gave it a try, it didnt work out, dont try it again plz.

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Re: no backbone?

Gloss- Your only mistake was that you did not listen to your mom. But apart from that I think you did justice to your own self and made the right decision for YOU :k:

The way he started controlling you was abnormal. I felt I was reading a description of someone I was once related to and believe me it’s a pain of every second to live with such a person. They forcing you to quit job was waaayyyy too much, you agreed to get married not to become a slave.

I firmly believe you have taken a right step. I am so happy to read that you did not let another toxic relationship enter in your life.

As your sister and BIL. I would suggest that move away from them. If you can then move to a different city where you may also find peace . Move on and give them space & time to move on too. They should not verbally abuse you it’s wrong but I can understand that you are majboor. Time is the biggest healer , things will get better. But please if it’s possible relocate to another city.

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Re: no backbone?

I was willing to compromise on alot to begin with, it isnt easy marrying someone who doesnt know anything about this country, language etc... i did it before and it didnt work! I was willing to overlook the education, citizenship status etc this time because i felt that I knew the guy and that it would work OK. Because it wasnt just the lack of education and language that failed my first marriage...so i knew that these things are just superficial....as long as the person has a clean good hearth, that is all that matters!

I ahve worked hard to reach the stage i am at today. how could I let it all go? for what reason? I do not know what I have done for them to stop trusitng me and behave like that all of a sudden?

Is that sort of behaviour normal?

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Re: no backbone?

You didn't do anything wrong. Telling you who you can and can't be friends with, who you can contact, telling you to quit your job...that's wrong.

You did the right thing by calling it off because if you'd gotten married, the controlling behavior would only have escalated. I speak from experience...I've counseled victims of domestic abuse and these are the signs of an emotional (possibly even a physical) abuser.

So now there's a rift in the family...not to sound trite, but these things happen. You are not the first to be the victim of unfair behavior from family members and you won't be the last. And if it sounds like I'm unsympathetic, I'm really not. I feel for you. This is horribly unfair.

You're going to have to grit your teeth, pray to Allah SWT and have lots of patience. Do not lower yourself to their behavior...name-calling, gheebat, etc. Not only will it get you absolutely nowhere, but engaging in tit for tat behavior doesn't win points with Allah SWT. Be calm, be polite...and do NOT engage with them on this subject. Because it doesn't appear that they want to be reasoned with.

Live your life. Spend time with your friends, pour your energy into your job and business, read, laugh, pray...live. Again, not to sound trite, but we only get one chance at life. Live it well. If your sister and BILs want to waste it engaging in nasty behavior and causing rifts in the family, that's their choice...let them waste their time on this nonsense. You know better. :)

And above all, remember that this is NOT your fault. You had an option before you, you considered it, and you turned it down because you decided it wasn't the thing for you. This is not a crime. Your sister and your BILs' reaction to it is unnecessary and immature.

7

Re: no backbone?

Sometime back I was in similar situation. I know how you feel and why all these questions are coming in your mind. The BEST thing that has happened with you is that they asked to leave your job before marriage ...to me it was like a condition to your marriage and you disagreed...sounds fair enough to me.

8

Re: no backbone?

thank you for your encouraging words.

I am just biting my tongue and learning from my mistakes.... i should have listened to mum, and that is one thing I feel most guilty about! i am also sad by the fact that this has caused a rift in me and my sister, I love my neice and nephew to bits, and i know they wont let us see them now, i miss the little ones so much.... i am gutted about that! ;(

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Re: no backbone?

You "know" they won't let you see the little ones? This is a fact? I'm not trying to be obnoxious...just asking a question.

From an Islamic point of view, Allah SWT dislikes the breaking of family ties. We are encouraged to treat well those relations who are treating us badly. That doesn't mean that you have to be a doormat. So you can politely say goodbye and hang up the phone or leave their presence if they start becoming unpleasant. But do your best to maintain ties with your sister, her husband, the kids, etc. Call/visit every once in a while (birthdays, anniversaries, special occasions, if anyone is ill, etc.). Ask to speak/visit with the little ones, make sure they get their birthday presents and Eidi. If after this they are slamming the proverbial door in your face and preventing you from seeing the kids...well, that's on them. It's not on you. You did everything you could and you can go to Allah SWT with a clean conscience...and they will answer for their actions.

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Re: no backbone?

they are also making mockery of my emotions.... all those texts that me and him had exchanged, my BIL has his phone now and has gone through our texts emails etc and openly makes fun of me.... :(

11

Re: no backbone?

^Rise above it honey. Don't react. Don't let them bait you. When people behave like this, they are doing it for one of two (usually both) reasons: To create drama and to get a reaction out of you so they can say more nasty stuff. I know it's humiliating, but what your BIL is doing says more about him than it does about you. People are not blind. And neither obviously is Allah SWT.

Also, if it helps, karma exists. She's got really sharp teeth and she's likely added your charming BIL to her list. ;)

12

Re: no backbone?

Yes!!! The little ones were not allowed to come to our house for Eid even. Previously, a few years back, there was a minor disagreement between my BIL and my mum. as a result, my older sister didnt come to our house for over 2 years, nor did they let the little ones come to our house. We used to go there every weekend, despite getting a very cold reception from them, and spend time with the kids but we were never made to feel welcome and would be told to make it quick because they are going out shopping etc etc.... I can see the same thing happening now too... :(

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Re: no backbone?

Then that's on them. It's not your fault.

This is a horrible way to deal with disagreements within the family...using the kids as pawns. It's immature, emotional blackmail and frankly disgusting.

Do your best to ignore the coldness and see the kids as much as you can. They are innocent in this and won't understand if you suddenly drop out of their life. But if they make it impossible to see them...well then honey, you're going to have to be patient and realize that it's not you, it's them.

14

Re: no backbone?

Gloss- from your posts I feel that emotional & verbal abuse runs in your BIL's family. Refraining your sister to visit her mom was zulm. Now not allowing kids to meet you in my opinion is another abuse.

15

Re: no backbone?

I cant even wish for anything bad to happen to my BIL, despite everything he is doing, because my sister is in that house. if I wish anything bad upon him, i am wishing that upon my sister and neice and nephew too... i just want them to leave me and my family alone and let us get on with our life..... I cant even look my mum in the eye yet, that is how ashamed I am about this whole situation....the atmoshpere in my house is so cold, its awful!!

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Re: no backbone?

yes yes yes, Diamond you are absolutley right! he is so narrow minded and childish. He thinks that by playing mind games he will be satisfied and content because he will have one over me!!

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Re: no backbone?

Of course you don't want anything bad to happen to your sister or her children. But the fact remains that what goes around, often does come back around. And sometimes it's necessary because all too often, people don't reflect or try to change their behavior until they get a dose of what they have done to other people.

Just keep taking the high road. Ignore their immaturity and live your life. It's easier said than done, but it's what you have to do.

As for not looking your mom in the eye...come on Gloss. You made a mistake. But you didn't do anything for which you need to feel ashamed. This isn't your fault. They're behaving badly and using you as a scapegoat for their bad behavior.

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Re: no backbone?

omg this is getting worse :hayaa: and you still think you did anything wrong :hayaa: making fun of ur text msgs u exchanged with him :hayaa: i would litterly bbq him on the grill he was my BIL. enough of >> :hayaa: i need some tea :hayaa:

DOOOOOOO NOOOOOTTTTT FEEEEEEEEEEEEL BAAAAAAAAAAAD… YOU ARE LUCKY YOU DIDNT FELL IN THAT TRAP OR ACTUALLY CRAP OR WHATEVER. BE HAPPY. you made a wise decision in your life… celebrate i say :champ:

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Re: no backbone?

There's a difference between liking the guy and being in love with him. And you might even feel that you like "like" him because you spent so much time with him. I'm surprised that your sister is happy in her marriage to your brother-in-law when he seems so domineering. I don't know if he treats her in the same manner.....or if she is comfortable with him having him in control. He's 25......he's an adult.........and it seems that he's in the habit of letting his brother tell him how to live his life. And his older brother, who is also an adult, is used to running the younger brother's life. For them it seems almost like a way of life. I dunno.......old habits (especially the bad ones) tend to either die hard or not at all. Yes, change for the better is not entirely impossible, but I wouldn't enter a marriage based on this hope. People don't change easily. And who knows? Althout it takes two people to make a relationships.....his failed marriage....might have....to an extent been a problematic one because of his attitude.

How do you move on? You do that yourself. You decide if you even want to move on...and you have to make the effort to stop the negative self-talk....and have the will power to move forward and concentrate on more positive things. Don't wait for your sister and brother in law to help you move on. Doesn't work that way. Other people may never change their attitudes or move past their grudges. That's why you sometimes have to rely on yourself for the closure and moving on. You can apologize for hurting their feelings....but if they can't forgive...that's their problem. In the event that they hope their nasty attitudes will pressure you into surrendering to their wishes......don't give them the satisfaction, that's juvenile. As far as your sister is concerned.........I understand she wants what's best for you......BUT.......does she really believe that forcing a marriage on you would make you happy? Does she really think that going through with something you're feeling suffocated by will make you happy? Does she not realize that your misery will make everyone else unhappy as well? Is she more concerned with her husband's wounded pride? Not a very sisterly attitude on her part. I wonder if maybe her husband is annoying her with complaints about you....and thus she feels pressured. Just a guess.

It would be more difficult if your mom also supported your sister. I think that a parent's approval carries more weight than your sister's. And your mom never liked the idea of this rishta from the get-go. This thought would provide me some comfort...and you can at least turn to mom for some support. I say.......tell your sister and BIL that you're sorry if you've hurt them...and calmly explain that being miserable is only goint to create problems for everyone later on. And don't get involved in verbal lashback with them. That would only give them ammunition to use against you. Take the higher road, be the bigger person, be polite.......and live your life.

20

Re: no backbone?

redvelvet you are so right! even though I will speak to BIL and my older sister once the dust has settled. And i will tell them that i do not want two families to drift apart like that! I will apologise to them for hurting their feelings. BUT I know it will make no difference to them. Once they hold a grudge, they go to all lengths to cause that person misery! I am just dreading their next tactic, I know they have many tricks up their sleeves....:/