no backbone?

Lifestyle Relationships
61

Re: no backbone?

You are right, people do know me very well, infact I know I am often used as the good example! everyone refers to me to give examples of how well I have turned out, helped family after daddy passed away, finished education, got decent job, have my own house etc etc etc and that is precisely the reason why it worries me, I dont want my reputation being tarnished in any way.... I am worried that my silent might be mistaken for something else.....everytime baji and BIL come over, they are shouting at me, and I mean physically shouting and screaming, its like they do not know how to have a civilised conversation like grown ups....I have tried speaking but they shout over me so I have given up... even today I just sat there silently and let them shout at me, when mum tried to defend me, they even shouted at her!! It made me sooo angry :( Its like if i try to speak, its pointless because they dont listen and if i stay quiet they still continue shouting!!

62

Re: no backbone?

Honey...you did the right thing.

Because the thing is, when you have people like that - people who scream and hurl insults - you can't have a discussion with them. You need rationality and civility for that and your BIL and sis are severely lacking in this area. If nothing else, they should have known better than to raise their voices to your mother. Have they not read the Quran where it states so many times that one is not even to say "uff" to one's parents much less scream at them?

I know you're worried. I would be too. But what are you going to do? Go speak to every person to whom your BIL and sister have bad mouthed you? You can't. You have work to do. Bills to pay. A mother to take care of. And more importantly, if you try to do that...well, people can be contrary. They might see your need to defend yourself as the signs of a guilty conscience.

I'm not saying you should lie down and take it. If someone asks you about it directly, gauge the situation. And if you think the person is a level-headed person who won't go telling tall tales, then explain your side of the story with little embellishment and NO gheebat. Just the facts. Even a simple..."yes, I'm aware of what they are saying. Every family has it's issues. But they are exaggerating and I have not intentionally done anything to hurt anyone. I have not done anything of which I should feel ashamed." And if the person asking you about it is only in it for the gossip, shut down the conversation as quickly and politely as you can.

Pray GBL. Ask Allah SWT for help to resolve this in a way that makes your family better and stronger than before. We can give you advice 'till we're blue in the...fingers. :) But only Allah SWT can change all of this...and only if you ask Him for help.

Oh...and as for the coming over to your house and shouting at you thing...just leave. Seriously...if they start doing this in your presence, tell them you're not going to listen to their caterwauling...and until they calm down and are willing to speak like adults, you have errands to run and they should get going. Hang up on them after a polite goodbye if they do it to you on the phone. Leave their house if they do it to you there - again politely. Every interaction we have with people "teaches" them how to behave with us...so teach them that you're not to be spoken to disrespectfully.

63

Re: no backbone?

Awww GlossBlushLiner I feel for you :(
Don't take their bull **** to heart!!
You've accomplished so much at such an early age! Did you need them then? NO! Do you need them now? NO!
Don't stoop to their level. Their NOT worth it! You do NOT need looser like that in your life!

This might just be the best thing that ever happened to you! What does not kill you, will only make you stronger! :D You'll get thru this stronger and a lot wiser! Insh'Allah ...

64

Re: no backbone?

Im so sorry to say this but your BIL sounds like a ganwaar-type. He is taking advantage of your father not being in the picture and thinking he can control your future and actually has the right to say something to you. If someone got in my face like that about my PERSONAL choices regarding my PERSONAL life, I would have laughed at them and walked away. Your mom is a very smart woman, listen to her next time.

If I were you...I would do what Niks said...cut off all contact for the time being. Do not talk to them again after today until they realize what their place is. Take your mom so she doesnt have to bear their tanay and leave. You're independant...what are you waiting for? What do you need from them?

Leave. Dont look back. Leave them behind and walk away.

65

Re: no backbone?

Just Chill!
let the people say what they want to say
when the right time comes, and history will repeat itself, your shadow will be their reflection

dont ever forget the guy cuz he is the reason you cried

ps. for reality check: if this situation keeps you closer to ALLAH SWT then its an "Azmaish" but if it takes you away then its an "Azab" for your past action. it sealed your heart that you cant even perform "Astagfar".

66

Re: no backbone?

I thought someone was born without REAL backbone :konfused:

67

Re: no backbone?

You need to cut off from your sisters family.

68

Re: no backbone?

What is so upseting for me is that BIL is doing all this because my Daddy isnt alive! No one would have even dared to lift a finger in my direction if my dad was here :( It made me miss my Dad soooooo much.... I wish my Dad was here to protect me and take care of me. My Dad would have broken this guys bones and fed them to dogs if he had ever dared such a thing in front of him!

I dont even have an older brother, I feel so helpless! rather than taking the role of that brother, BIL is taking full advantage of the fact that we are just a bunch of women, living by ourselves with no adult man around us to look after us!!! BIL is a bully and he thinks he is God, and that he can play with peoples lives and try to ruin things for them as and when he pleases!!!!! May Allah forgive him!

69

Re: no backbone?

GBL when ppl come to life 1 ppl giv them plenty of valid advice. if they take them life becomes easy. make ur life easy. cut off ties, ignore them totally. take a light break from work n just concentrate on the positive things on ur life. get ur desired haircut, join gym just keep busy n stay positive. the more u'll think abt it the more it gonna hurt u.

70

Re: no backbone?

Mabrook is right. We've given you all sorts of suggestions. You seem like a smart woman. Pray 2 rakat Istikhara, really reflect on your situation, and perhaps apply some of the suggestions we've provided to your situation.

And then leave the rest in Allah SWT's hands and MOVE on. It's easier said than done, but you have to do it. Try to stop thinking about all of this constantly. You can't control your BILs and your sister. You only can control yourself. So take control of your actions and thoughts. Live your life. And little by little, day by day, it WILL get easier, Inshallah. And you'll be stronger and wiser for it.

But if you keep on with this - this constant dwelling on this messy situation...well, that's a one way ticket to the city of nervous breakdowns and/or bad health. As someone who watched her friend end up in the ER due in part to the pressure of family drama, I'm telling you that dwelling on this is a bad idea. You have responsibilities to your mother and to yourself. You can't fulfill those responsibilities if you're passed out, Allah forbid, in the ER or the mental ward. Don't let them do that to you GBL. You seem like a tough cookie - it's not easy to handle the loss of a parent and take care of a widowed mother, it's not easy being a single woman with a career and a mortgage...and yet you've done it all and done it successfully. If you can do that, you can do this.

71

Re: no backbone?

Ya know.........I think the reason why your BIL's plan flopped........might be because he went into it with the wrong (possibly even selfish) intentions.

And I wonder whose idea it was to begin with? (Maybe your BIL thought of it first...and your sis supported him).

Anyhow.......you never know. The failure of your BIL's goals.....the fact that this didn't result in marriage......might even be Allah's way of protecting you. That's another way of looking at it.

72

Re: no backbone?

Guys and dolls,

you are all right! I HAVE to move on! I HAVE to stop letting this affect me so much, I am a tough cookie and I have been through much much much worse than this and if I can survive that, then this is piece of cake!

Right, no more dwelling in past! I have left it all to Allah, He knows best and He ensures everyone gets what they deserve! You are right, this is a blessing in disguise for me, everything went pear shaped after my istikhara, Allah has saved me from entering yet another miserable failed marriage!! Alhamdulillah!!

I am going to be OK now, I am only worried about my mum now. She doesnt need this headache! Please pray for her, please pray that she doesnt take these things to heart, I hate seeing her upset and sad!

Thank you for all your support, it truly has helped me, you guys gave me very good advice and I found strength from within me to deal with this emotionally!

Mwah xx

73

Re: no backbone?

er wow.

As for your BIL's words, the badnaami and all that stuff. That's really scary. It spooked me out. I would dread having a BIL like that. You need a vacation or something. Get out for a few days. Feel better.

74

Re: no backbone?

Dont take the blow from them
they are trying to torture you & you are being tortured by being affected from all this

Your BIL will jump up & down coz their plan flopped.
Remember the shallow a person is the more noise/fuss they are going to make

The more confident & happy you are, the more jealous your BIL will be

75

Re: no backbone?

****UPDATE*****

OK, so since my last post, I took on board all the sound advice that was given by my fellow guppies and remained silent. I didnt react to their tantrums, nor did I answer back. I just stayed quiet and listened, waiting for them to become tired... Which is what happend; they shouted and screamed and moaned at me but then went quiet.

So I was getting back to my life, enjoying the things I did etc etc and out of blue, guess who contacts me? The guy himself, who I was supposed to be marrying! He plucked up the courage to contact me, telling me how in these few weeks apart he has realised that he loves me a lot and wants to marry me. He says his older brother shouldnt have said all those things to me, he was in the wrong and that from now on, he will do as I say. He says this relationship will not be left so open for others to interfere, instead it will be between me and him only!

he admits he was in the wrong to try and stop me from seeing my friends and stop work, and says he was influenced by his borther! He has now realised that there is nothing wrong with this and he wants to let me live happily.

He says he will buy his own house and will start his own business, as he does not want me to think that he is relying on his brother.

Guppies, what do I do??? I have said it all along that its not the guy, its his older brother and my sister who I have a probelm with! I said the same thing to him also! I told him he let go of my hand when he should have been there, protecting me from his brothers attacks! I told him I can not trust him anymore, but he keeps asking for another chance. He did also say that despite his brother is in the wrong, he wants me to apologise to the BIL and my older sister and forgive and forget and move on.....

What is your take on this?

76

Re: no backbone?

Gloss - the way he is behaving to you now is all good but still I would say don't fall for him. I feel that he is trapping you. After putting you through all that and making you suffer he is now apologising to you. Decent and kind people don't do such things in the first place. He is not a youngster who did not know what marriage is all about and how to behave with and respect a woman. He was married for some time in his life. He is not a kid to abuse someone in such a way and then suddenly realise that he was wrong. You were also married before and look at yourself you learned a lesson and walked out of a toxic relationship before it could destroy you life. You did not allow yourself to be abused. I don't think this guy has learned anything from his life , either from the relationship he had with his ex wife , his divorce or his relationship with you.

I would sincerely suggest you to say good bye to him on a good note without having any bitter feelings. Wish him well for the future and tell him that you have moved on and your have forgiven him and his brother and you don't have any hard feelings . But you don't want to spoil things any further in your , his and your sister's life and it is the best interest of everyone that this relationship ends and does not turn into marriage. Tell him you just need sometime alone and you need to move on to a better future without him in your life.

77

Re: no backbone?

This could *also be the new plan of your BIL. After unsuccessfully trying out other ways, he might have asked his brother to contact you. Things have already been complicated enough. Listen to what your mother said*. The sooner you would do that the better it would be for the peace of family.

78

Re: no backbone?

That was the first thing I said to him too "is this your brother trying to create another drama?" but he reassured me saying that his brother has nothing to do with this now. he has come back to me on his own accord, BIL doesnt know he has spoken to me again.

Part of me wants to firgive me because I really really liked (maybe even love?) the guy, and because he wants this so badly now that its making me think he has elarnt a valuable lesson from this. But at the same time it is not so easy to forgive and forget what has happend. I feel as if I might regret it later if I dont give him another chance... it seems as the last few weeks where we havent spoken, it has made him realise my value and appreciate what he had.

I have tried to walk away from him but I cant do it. Its painful.

79

Re: no backbone?

He managed to get hold of one my friends and he poured his heart out to her. He told her that he really wants this to work and he was annoyed at how his brother felt he could decide everyones fate. He said he was kept in dark about a lot of things but he soon realised that his brother was being too invasive. He told me he will marry me (if i agree to second chance) even if his brother does not agree because this is his life and he will do what he feels is best. He said last few weeks he has had a chance to reflect on me as a person, and he has realised that he wont find anyone better than me and that he would be foolish for letting me go, just because his brother says so. He says that he has realised that he is ready to marry me, and that family tiffs are never such a big deal, that we use that as an excuse to lose something so special.

He is asking for a fresh new start. clean slate.

80

Re: no backbone?

I wrote a length reply and then my session timed out. DANG!!!!! . Anyways here it goes again...

He is asking for a fresh new start. clean slate and you are asking for trouble. :D Could it be that he finds you special because he needs someone other than his brother to support him? What does he do for living? Iā€™d hope he is not looking at you as a complete package. It seems that you are connected to him, but you should give yourself more time. You do not want to make a wrong decision after working your way to a stable life. I think he should find a job and a place to live independently and then start thinking of getting married. What do you know about the in laws of your sister? I mean are they nice people? Married life is full of surprises, you never know, first it was his brother then it could be someone else.