What is the nicest way of saying NO to him? The root cause are BIL and my sister, but unfortunatley he has to pay a price for letting them ruin this connection we had.
I cant see him cry, how can I break this news to him in a gentle way? Or am I being over sensitive about his feelings, (he didnt care about mine when he most needed to), and i should just say it how it is and get it over and done with?
Sigh... i just want to walk away without feeling guilty for hurtting someone....sometimes I wish i was slightly more mean and crude just like his brother, that way i wouldnt have to constantly battle with my conscious about hurting others feelings :(
yes, i think u are being over sensitive and frankly caring too much about his feelings. he didn't show you the same courtesy. just be upfront with him and tell him that u don't want to go through with a 'trial' run and u would rather leave the situation as it is and move on.
the phrase once bitten, twice shy jumps to mind. u should apply this to urself and avoid him.
the best thing u can do right now is to go with the flow. don't rush into any promises and tell him once he's able to convince u and ur mother only then u'll make up a final decision. mean while don't treat it as a love affair but as a business deal. keep looking for better options. if he stands by his words in next few months good, if not u can wrap up things for good.
as for ur istikharas the first one in my opinion was a luv n hate kinda relationship. u'll be running n ur marital life won't be that peaceful but if u can handle a roller coaster ride full of good n bad times n challenges take it. second one i dunno could be he's making or trying to make u happy . wat ur mom says this time?
may be instead of him moving n settling to UK, y not u go to Hong kong with him. or stay in UK but move to a different town so interaction with ur bil is limited. when outside influences will be reduced u will able to bond better.
I can't believe you all missed this but she said his brother has more financial control of the business. More control freak much? And I have to agree with everyone else, he is not a baby that doesn't understand how life works. Something I would try, tell him you will not apologize to BIL until he apologizes first. Say he(BIL) has to apologize to your mother, your sister and yourself for the batameezi he showed everyone and has to publicly renounce all the badnaami he did to you. But if you've made up your mind to marrying him, take a couple of weeks to think about what happened. People do not change that quickly, no matter how much they try, they will revert back however slowly to how they were before. It takes time for change to truly happen. Will you be able to live if his brother started badmouthing you and controlling you while your sister did nothing and your husband stood off to the side as he did before? Will you be able to live with it if they belittled everything you worked so hard to build?
people can always start fresh. hand over the business to brother. sell bil all shares. find a job. so many people even qualified drive cabs, work in retail etc. he's still young , can continue studies and work hard for a better future.
So, he has gone back to HongKong and I have told him to stop contacting me, I dont respond to his calls or messages etc and havent seen or heard anything from his brother since then too. Alhamdulillah the dust has settled and things at home are getting back to normal. I went out with my friends last night and felt alive, the old "me" was back, I couldnt believe how much I had changed myself because of this guy, but having put an end to it, i feel better than ever before. Its such a nice feeling. I am begining to enjoy life again.
thank you all for your kind words and advice. it really made me think about what i should be doing. you guys assisted me in gatehring the courage to make this decision. so thank you to you all....
OMG!!! He has left his family, walked out on them and told them he will only marry me! what on earth is going on???
I had my older sis on the phone last night, calling me all sorts of names asking what jadoo i have done on this guy that he is behaving like this? I was completely unaware of what was going on because as far as i knew he had gone back to hong kong?! So i put the phone down thinking she is having one of those days where she needs to have a rant and she has picked me for it!
But it turns out he didnt go back to hongkong, instead he stayed and after having thought about what he wants from life, he told his brother "this is my life, and I will so as i feel right, I will only marry her, whether you like it or not" they had a huge argument over it, the BIL said "you will live a miserable life if you marry her, we wont support you at all" and the older brother threatned him that he will disown him blah blah and he will lose his share in family business etc etc etc...but this guy has walked out saying he doesnt need his money.
Now i got a call from this guy this morning, so it all made sense, why sis had called me last night etc etc... and he tells me that he has left his family, he loves me and cant live without me, and will only marry me etc etc etc".... he said to me, "you said to me I am dependant on my brother, look i have given it all up for you...i have proven that i wont live my life according to my brothers dictatorship...please take me back, i will do what ever you want, take me back"....
great!!! Just when I had told myself that it was over and had written him off as being dependant on his brother without a backbone....he goes and does this, all to prove to me?! What do i do now?
I dont want to get involved in this again, but i feel guilty for turning my back to him now that he has given it all up for me?! i just dont know what to do.... I had found the strength and courage to move on and try to forget but then this saga has started...... the question is what do i do??
Forget about what he's done. And stop with the guilt right now. You told him how things stood. You told him you wanted to move on. Standing up to his brother and walking out was HIS choice. You have nothing for which to feel guilty.
This is the only thing you need to think about: What do you want to do?
If the answer to the question is that you want to give it a go with him, then (and this is just my opinion), you're asking for trouble. At the very least, consider that even though he's stood up to his brother, you're going to face some form of drama and stress from his brother and your sister for the rest of your life. Is it worth it? Please think about it very, very carefully.
If the answer to the question is that you want to continue on without him, then you need to tell him that and tell him to please leave you in peace. Don't let him guilt trip you. YOU decided to move on. HE decided to make this gesture. That's his doing. Don't let him make you feel bad about it. After that, you cut him off. Don't pick up when he calls, block his number, his email address, etc. If seeing him is unavoidable, be civil and be brief. And know that it will get easier with time.