no backbone?

Lifestyle Relationships
41

Re: no backbone?

I know, I am an idiot!!!! I have no one else to blame but myself!!!! Oh the regret......

42

Re: no backbone?

I made a HUGE mistake by trusting them...... but everything happens for a reason, and I had to learn a lesson, so be it..... I guess lesson learnt! I kick myslef everytime I realise the extent of my stupidity..... why oh why did i think everything is going to be fairytale ending??? I am an idiot!!! I cant be trusted!!

43

Re: no backbone?

Don't beat yourself up too much. She's your sister so of course you want to trust her when she says that a rishta would be good for you. And pretty much every person in human history has, at least once, stupidly ignored a mother's advice.

You made a mistake. You owned up to it. You're trying to move on. These are the signs of maturity, not idiocy. Cut yourself some slack, ok?

44

Re: no backbone?

Another update!!! BIL has been desperatley trying to find some dirt to dig at me.... I have a clean record so he has nothing that he could use against me, all that anger and frustration he has for me is being taken out on my younger sister instead! she has been made a target of their wrath today! Today BIL told my brothers and my mum that my younger sister has a man in her life who she has agreed to marry!!!! BIL has done this with the intention of getting her in trouble!!!! WTF??!!!

45

Re: no backbone?

Like I said before, when people resort to such childish behavior they are doing it to create drama and to also get a reaction from you so they can twist what you say/do and use it against you at a later date.

Don't give him that satisfaction. Don't react. Be civil in his presence, but if BIL starts trash talking, you and your family need to cut him off. Tell him you don't want to engage in this type of conversation and if he doesn't stop, say your goodbyes and hang up the phone or leave his presence. Once he sees that he's not going to get any reaction, he's going to stop because it's getting him nowhere.

46

Re: no backbone?

Get your mother and brothers on your side so they can cut him off.

47

Re: no backbone?

That's a load of BS, compromising is one thing, we all do it to some effect, but being a doormat for someone is not even in the same ball park.

Good you did what you did, you live and learn by your mistakes, in due time this shall all be a distant memory.

48

Re: no backbone?

I woke up this morning feeling very positive and very greatful for the way things ahve turned out. I would have lived a life full of resentment and regret, had this marriage gone ahead!

Being able to open up on this forum has helped me a great deal so i'd like to thank each and every one of you for your contribution! thanks a lot guys... :D

now somebody please stop me from going for a drastic image change. The 'new me' wants a new hair do and a new wardrobe..it took me ages to grow my hair but now I am tempted to get it cut short again, and I mean pixie short!!

49

Re: no backbone?

the funny thing is, I laughed at my friend who, when she broke up with ehr partner, went for the whole new image thing! She was a blonde with long flowy locks, she chopped them in a sharp shoulder length bob and went brunette and generally changed her dress sense too.... I didnt understand why she had do be so drastically different, her explantion was that she wanted a new begining and move on from any memories that are linked to her past, so by changing herself physically, it had a major impact in a psychological way too.... I still didnt understand her! but now part of me wants a change! am I being silly or is that a wise thing to do?

50

Re: no backbone?

Rstar- I feel for your sister. Most of the time the whole purpose behind making bahu quit her job is to have full control over her. They do it by taking financial independence away from their bahu takay baad main jaisa jee chahay salook karo ....in a way parinday kay paar kat do takay woh majboor ho jaye aur chah kar bhi urh na sakay.

What is worse is that these husbands and inlaws do not have a problem with a working bahu/ wife before marriage but after shaadi they just force her to quit.

Your sister is majboor to ignore her brother. I really hope Allah app ki behan ki mushkil asaan karay.

51

Re: no backbone?

I had a haircut after my relationship ended. But my reason was different. I was not allowed to cut my hairs and they grew so long that I used to get headaches because of the weight on my head and they were too difficult to manage esp in the garmi of Pakistan.

But it did make me feel good :D everyone told me that it was a good change in my appearance.

Go on have a hair cut. Buy some new cool outfits. Go have some amazing food. Do things that you enjoy and that makes you happy. Your life should be about YOU. Treat yourself well !

52

Re: no backbone?

i'll say go ahead. take revenge on ur bil. won't he be happy to see u soo happy ;)

53

Re: no backbone?

Following my divorce...I got a haircut, highlited my hair and went to Vegas. :)

Do something fun, drastic and different for yourself. This entire experience should have taught you one thing: no one will take care of you but yourself. So do it. Make yourself happy...what is stopping you?

54

Re: no backbone?

[quote="Reha, post:50, topic:229087"]

Following my divorce...I got a haircut, highlited my hair and went to Vegas. :)

B]what are u saying reha? r u serious???? when did this happened? i mean u did hav highlights n went to vegas but when did first part happen?** :(

55

Re: no backbone?

apparently I am a who*e, manipulating, lying blah blah blah.... imagine being on the receiving end of this...i had it all today :( and you would never believe who said all that to me? My very own older sister!!! has left me suicidal to be honest, its like aik tou chori aur oopar se seena zori.....ulta chor kotwaal ko daantey

56

Re: no backbone?

Yes. It happened in April of this year.

Its okay. This is just the beginning. You need to be a lot stronger than this if you want to be happy in life. Its okay to cry and to let it out but not in front of people who will take advantage of your weaknesses.

Sometimes...Im not entirely sure why...our own family tends to develop a little bit of a blurred vision. They dont want anything bad for you...they truly believe you would have been better off had you gotten married to this guy. They really do think you made the wrong choice for your future and since you're younger...you dont know whats good for you.

What do your parents say about all of this? Where are they in this drama?

57

Re: no backbone?

GBL, you need to cut off with your sister's family because 1) you've figured out you don't want to be attached there 2) It's better for your sanity and even though your sister may seem to be on their side in the heat of it all, she will feel sad for you later when teh dust settles and at that time you want her to heal on her own rather than you causing any conflicts for them.

She may be behaving that way to save her own marriage, perhaps she can handle all that mess. I think you got out at a good time. Don't feel bad, feel blessed.

58

Re: no backbone?

My father passed away 6 years ago so its just my mum. my mum wasnt keen on this rishta at all. Infact I should mention here that 4 years ago, my BIL and his family had asked for my rishta and even then mum had said no to them because she didnt want two daughters in one household....just incase if one's marriage failed it would affect the other ones.... I am an idiot for thinking that things will be any different!!! I should have listened to my mum!!! Mum is on my side and she too says i had a lucky escape.... BUT my older sister and BIL are willing to bend over backwards to make me "budnaam"!!! as they said to me today. BIL's words were" you didnt marry my brother so I am not going to leave you worthy of marrying anyone else, I am going to make you bay-izat, i will do your badnaami in front of every one, you will have no choice but to leave this town, your life will be ruined".....

59

Re: no backbone?

loge Allah se zara bhi nahi dartay. may be cut ties off is the best route.

60

Re: no backbone?

Gloss...like Reha said, this is only the beginning. So just recite your duas, grit your teeth, and be patient.

And do not allow yourself to be baited.

Let your sister and BIL make their threats. I highly doubt any of their attempts at slinging mud will be successful...in fact, I'm pretty sure that any dirt they try to fling on you will only come back on them. Because according to everything you've said so far, they aren't exactly saints. You have explained that your sister hasn't helped you and your mother out since your father passed and she got married. You told us that your sis and BIL have interfered with your time with the kids in revenge for petty things. Your BIL has gone through private texts and said embarrassing things about you. You BIL and sis didn't speak to your mother for 2 years over another petty issue. They go to all lengths to make someone miserable against whom they hold a grudge. And so many other things that paint them in a less than stellar light...

Do you think people are blind? Just because they don't say anything, it doesn't mean that they don't notice. Trust me, if they have been doing all the stuff that you say they have, people aren't stupid. They've picked up on it. So if your BIL and sis are going on a campaign to defame your character, it's not going to be easy. Because people know you, and they know them. They know you mind your own business and have a good reputation. And they know that the exact opposite is true of your sister and BIL.

So keep to the high ground. Don't respond to their verbal attacks. And don't say anything bad about them in anybody's presence...that too will speak volumes about you in front of the community - the fact that you are keeping a dignified silence and they are trash talking you at ever opportunity.

And most of all, look to Allah SWT. For He sees everything and He makes sure that the truth will out and that every one of us get precisely what we deserve.