no backbone?

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: no backbone?

im suprised about your sisters behaviour now and 2 years bac (my parents would never go to my sisters house if my sis wouldnt come over, a respect relation.. visiting the elders not vice versa)... Or is it coz she cant go agnst ur BIL?
I honostly dont think its only your BIL who caused the problems, its also the guy himself. The things he was asking of you....

22

Re: no backbone?

My sister is the eldest out of us siblings. Since my father passed away 6 years ago, my mum has always craved for that emotional support that a daughter gives to her mother at such times. My sister couldnt care less. Left me to deal with it all, and we had no grudge againt my sister for doing so because we all felt that she has her own life now and we cant expect anything from her! Mum has always welcomed any friendly gestures from my sister, though they are very very very rare! therefore even after 2 years of not talking to my mum, mum still accepted her and stayed normal with her because she is her daughter! my BIL is a very manipulating sort of perosn. he does have alot of influence over my sister and pretty much dictates to her (as he did to his younger brother)...

yes the guy is to be blamed too, for letting his brother get so involved! The same thing happend in his first marriage and the girl had same issues!! You would have thgouht he would have learnt from it!

23

Re: no backbone?

hmmmm ok, it seems ur sister hasnt been much of help.... she seems selfinvolved even if she is your sister... and the fact not being there for ur mother after ur dads passing away, is cruel.
Every desi family makes excuses for their daughters behaviour after marriage by saying she has her own life, rubbish!

good for you that u got out!

24

Re: no backbone?

Another thing I should mention here is that, they are going on as if I wil live to regret passing on this opportunity to marry him! They think I have made the biggest mistake and that I will one day realise that I will not find anyone better than him!!! i was so tempted to remind them that, if anything it is the other way around....not to blow my own trumpet, but i am the one who has a job and own business, I am the one who has a nice house in a leafy suburban, I am the one who is more educated and InshAllah thinking of doing PHD in future too :D..... what was he? without his brother, he is NOTHING! he doesnt have a job, he isnt educated, he doesnt have a penny to his name.... No other girl is going to consider him in that state! With his sort of mentality, he will suit a paindoo type of girl! He is the one who should consider himself lucky that I gave him a chance. how many of you out there would have given this guy a chance, if you were in my position?? Am i being too arrogant here? :(

25

Re: no backbone?

^There are educated and well establised individuals who can make terrible spouses. If you were arrogant....you wouldn't have been open to getting to know him in the first place. I think the reason you feel this way.....is because your sister and BIL are baiscally saying that your life is "over" now that you've decided not to marry him. It's an extreme view. It's like they're saying that your success and well-being and future.....ALL....depend upon this guy. So, with such views it's natural for you to get defensive...to do a comparison...and to look at the reality of things. One can argue that your sister and BIL's views are arrogant....in that they're basically saying that this guy is so great that you'd be doomed without him. And I think that it's mostly your BIL that feels this way.....because he has taken your rejection of his brother personally....wounded pride....and all that. Had his younger brother rejected YOU.......he might not have been so sensitive about it.

As far as you being afraid of their tactics is concerned...........it's good that you're AWARE that they might play games and try to guilt-trip you into marrying the guy. So, the awarness puts you a step ahead of them...and allows you to be more on guard. It would have been more problematic...if you were clueless about this.

26

Re: no backbone?

OMG…I hadn’t seen this post before.

Come on, GBL…you gotta see some humor in this. This is really immature behavior for a grown man. To even read and discuss someone’s PRIVATE conversations…is pretty LOW…let alone mocking them. I don’t think your BIL would appreciate it if you were to read and share private conversations that take place between him and his wife (your sister).

And what’s funny is that…he doesn’t seem to realize that it takes TWO people to have a conversation. So, to be fair…your BIL should ALSO mock his younger brother…because he also participated in the text conversations. :rolleyes:

It’s commendable…and more power to you…for even remaining polite toward your BIL. Cuz, had it been me, even if I were to be civil to him…in my mind I’d have lost respect for him.

It’s also sad that this guy even allowed his older brother to read private conversation. Would a guy like that also share details of his sex life with his older brother? :rolleyes:

Seriously, move on. There were so many differences b/w you two (education, ambition, career)…from the get go…that a sensible person would have been wary about even considering this rishta. Having one previous divorce should not be used as the sole “common factor” to bring two people together. Compatibility and mindset need to be considered as well. Who knows? Maybe your BIL thought that it would be hard for his younger brother to find a girl to marry him because he’s not very educated or settled in his career. Maybe BIL knew that few women would be inclined to marry him…so he might have thought that getting him paired with his wife’s sister…would be more convenient. :rolleyes: If your BIL had a daughter of his own…I think he’d be nervous about getting her married off to someone who is not on the same level (educationally, career-wise, etc) as his daughter. Pathetic mentalities are especially frustrating to deal with in family members.

27

Re: no backbone?

Gloss shukar karo that you saw his real face before getting married. Forget him & move on. You must have done some good deeds that's why Allah has saved you from him. Believe me it's a blessing for you to get rid of such a man . Like I said "abuse" runs in his family so please ignore them I know it's easier said than done but keechar main pathar maro gi to tum par bhi keechar aye ga is liye ignore them and move on.

28

Re: no backbone?

Deep down inside (unless they're completely brain dead and emotionless), they realize what a successful person you are and what a catch YOU would have been. Their egos are wounded, which is normal, but instead of dealing with this in a mature way, they are trying to soothe their hurt pride by putting you down and making you out to be the one who is "missing out."

Don't let them suck you in to the negativity. You already realize your self worth. Now all you need to do is live your life - enjoy it and do worthwhile and satisfying things. And just be patient and careful when it comes time once again to consider potential rishtas. Above all, have faith in Allah SWT and keep expectations only of Him. Inshallah, you're going to have a great life with a great partner at your side...don't for one second fall for the garbage your BILs and your sister are trying to shove off on you.

29

Re: no backbone?

Perfect analysis !

I have lived with such people and they think & behave the way mistral has said above. They are satisfying their ego at your expense. They are making themselves feel better and look better by making you a bad person.

30

Re: no backbone?

Its painful to see my sister being married to someone like this man.....all his efforts are being put towards making me look like a stupid person! The fact remains that BIL is sat with a bruised ego, he genuienly felt that no one would ever say no to his brother! By getting me married to their brother, their main motive was to PROVE to his ex wife that he can get married again because apparently she had said to him that no other woman will get married to him again....I should have seen the warning bells ringing then really..that they seemed more worried about proving a petty point to his ex wife..... i often told him that is not a good reason to get married again and if he is marrying me it should be for genuine reasons, not to prove his point to his ex wife! Oh how foolish, I should have backed off then when this happend.....

31

Re: no backbone?

GBL, You didn't do anything wrong. I'm just surprised your sister didn't give you a heads up regarding the situation at her household, and wanted yo to be a part of it. I guess the two of you are very different. In any case, you are lucky to be out uof that situation now. Let them be petty. Just rise above and be grateful.

32

Re: no backbone?

InshAllah I will meet someone who is worthy of my love and companionship! I am glad that things have turned out the way they have, better see their true faces now than later! What would have happend later? another divorce? or me bearing all the sufferings out of fear of another divorce??

i did istikhara on the night of lailatulqadar, I asked Allah to show me the right way because i had serious doubts about this whole situation! Literally the next day, everything came to an end! MashAllah!! I am very happy about the outcomes! Although annoyed about their childish behaviours and frustrated at how they are venting off their steam, the main fact remains that I have seen their true colours and I choose not to put myself through that!

allhamdulillah! indeed this pain is short lived compared to the life long of what I would have suffered, had i been married to him!!!! I cant not thank All Mighty enough :D :) :D

33

Re: no backbone?

she painted a very pretty picture actually and dismissed my initial concerns about our realtionship as sisters being affected by it all if things go pear shaped. my sis and BIL both promised that there would be no interference from them! but things became so bad, that it reached to an extent where BIL would reply to my texts from his younger brothers phone..... BIL feared that his brother will become a "joru ka ghulaam", so he felt he ahd to step in and guide his brother about what should be said and how things should be done! Initially his younger brother would alugh it off as a joke, but then it really started to affect him and I felt that at most times he HAD to prove to my BIL that he wont be a joru ka ghulam and that he is the one who will remain in control and to prove that he tried to control who i met, where i went, what time i got home!! It gets worse, he would go through my phone and check my messages and call logs!!!!! The whole time this was happening, i was saying to him that he doesnt need to prove anything to his brother and that for once he should use his own brain and not rely on BIL to make all the decisons and call all the shots!!! But what did this idiot do?? He only went and showed all my messages to BIL, my sister hit the roof saying I am trying to turn the brothers against each other!!!! blah blah blah!! When in actual fact, all i had said was that its best if we make the decisons based on our understanding of each other because it will be a relationship between me and him, and not with his brother!!!

34

Re: no backbone?

havn't checked all replies yet but u know where u went wrong. u didn't take advantage of ur mom's experience plus if he had no job and was depending on his brother that should hav warned u. wat u did was right to back off. now ask ur mom n some respectable family member like uncle to come fwd talk to ur sis n bil, reconcile and try to forget wat happened. if u don't wanna marry him keep ur stand but try to fix ur relations with ur sis n bil.

35

Re: no backbone?

is ka baad bhi u trusted them.

36

Re: no backbone?

:k:

Brilliant.

Your mom saw this from a mile away and warned you. Next time, listen to her.

Its embarassing isnt it? It will be for a while but you have to take it and be brave about it. The thing is, family is family and no one can change that. Your sister may be blinded by her husband’s feelings because she spends 24 hours a day with him but that doesnt mean she is your enemy. Dont let a stranger get in the middle of you two…he has no place between you and your sister.

Let them say what they want, do what they want. You maintain a good relationship with your mother, make efforts towards your sister and ignore the rest of the BS because thats all it is. We dont get all the answers all the time. Why people do the things they do? Human beings are complicated species and sometimes do things irrationally too. No one is perfect. Why did your sister not support you? you might find out and you might not. The positive side to this is you were saved from a disaster happening. Im sure you miss the guy but Im sure you wouldnt advise your sister to marry a guy like that, would you?

37

Re: no backbone?

And you STILL thought it would be a good idea to get married into that family??
Oh well, whats done is done, try ignore their idiotic behaviour, especially your sister's.

38

Re: no backbone?

Gloss Blush Liner, i dont post much, but I read alot. I think you did the right thing. If I were you, I would rather be alone forever than married to abusive drama-bazy my whole life. You are smarter than your sister. Your sister's family sounds so toxic and Im afraid your sister goes along with their behavior. My own sister got married to a very village (jahil) type of family. My parents to this day wished they did more research before tying her rishta. My sister is very educated got a masters in phsycology and a professor in college. Her husband and his family told her to quit her job and sit at home, and pop babies. She prayed so hard to have a son, or else. My brother in law is a complete nag, nothing is ever good enough. He lost his job last year, and my sister's susraal told my sister to go back to work. well she hasnt worked in 7 years, so there is a major gap in her resume. She only found a job as a substitute teacher, and they look down at her, and say things like "education kar ke bhe temporary job milli he", and her husband still doesnt have a job. Its just torture type of behavior, constant jahalat, that I feel bad for my sister. My BIL asked my sister to cut ties with my brother, because my brother senses abuse, so my bro does tell my BIL that he should treat my sister better (but in a nice izat manner), but my BIL is threatened by my brother. So now my own sister does not talk to my brother anymore, its been like 2 years. IF my sister is at our house, she would not acknowledge my brother. At first my brother was bothered by it, but now he could care less about her ignorant ways.

39

Re: no backbone?

^Rstar.. So sorry to hear about your situation, May Allah make it easier for you and your family.. you are so right, it's better to be single than married to a complete alien and live with the pain and torture for the rest of your life. A BIG NONO

40

Re: no backbone?

OMG that is awful!!! I think it is so immature when adults behave in that manner.....control freaks!!! I do feel for your sister.... only a jaahil unparh gawaar paindoo would scumb to such tactics....I HATE men like that!!