Nikkah contract

Lifestyle Relationships
41

Re: Nikkah contract

I am sorry??? In Malay culture the girl's family lives with the boy and not that the boy lives with the girl's family. The groom practically support whole of the girl's family.

42

Re: Nikkah contract

Off course, you would not mind your husband to be financially supporting his sisters from time to time.

I wish all the best for you and your kids, but, sister, your thinking will change when your darling son will get married. Please bookmark my words. :p

43

Re: Nikkah contract

The boy moves into the girl's family home typically. And whats the difference between the groom supporting the brides family and the groom supporting the whole of his own family - do I smell a double standard?

44

Re: Nikkah contract

My husband does help financially support his married sisters.

Who said anything about my son supporting his sisters, I said that his sisters would most likely equally care for my husband and I, because it is there religous duty. If that means not marrying guys from Pakistan, so be it.

My thinking will not change, because I follow Islam and not desi-Hindu culture.

45

Re: Nikkah contract

Double standards: Please wait till the end. I am in Indonesia for the last 3 years so I know what goes on here. Right in front of my house is a family where a Malaysian man is married to an Indonesian lady. The parent's and brother of the lady lives with them. The lady's brother who is capable enough to start his own family lives with his brother-in-law doing nothing but smoking all day. That is my point. Exploitation.

The double standard is actually coming from your side. You don't seem to dislike this kind of environment where the groom supports the bride's family while the other way round is highly objectionable to you.

KidhaaaaN .... every1
46

Re: Nikkah contract

Are these people only children? If not, then everyone in the family bears an equal responsibility. The Islamic (and common sense) course of action would be for all of the siblings to sit down to see exactly how they plan to contribute to the care of the parents. If Saasi does not want the in-laws living with her, then Punnu should contribute more financially. Maybe Rahnja has a sister, and the parents can spend six months with each of them. Maybe Heer has two other brothers, so the parents can spend 4 months of the year with each of them, with Punnu paying the medical expenses, or Heer and Rahnja can purchase a much larger house with the proceeds from the sale of both their parents homes and other assets, and hire a part-time nurse, clearning lady who comes once or twice a week, and order in a couple of times a week to reduce the burden on Heer.

I have been through a similar situation with my grandparents. Both sets of grandparents lived with us at the same time for a brief period when all were having health issues and my aunt was overseas and uncles were too far away. They paid the medical bills, we hired some extra help, and everyone was cared for.

There are many solutions to these situations, believe it or not.

47

Re: Nikkah contract

I am dumb-struck to as how you are doing that?

48

Re: Nikkah contract

What about the opposite of this - my brother-in-law is also perfectly capable of working, but sits on his rear all day doing nothing while my husband supports him and pays for his kid's education.

I do find it objectionable to sponge off of anyone. I wouldn't expect my son to move in with his wife's family anymore than I would expect him to move in with us. I was making a point.

You see absolutely nothing wrong in living with and supporting your parents, sisters, and family, but you seem to find it disgraceful to live with and support your wife's family - that my boy is a double standard.

49

Re: Nikkah contract

My son knows that paradise lies at the feet of his mother - but Islam doesn't say he has to live in my home his entire life to do so.

My children helped care for my mother when she had cancer, and help care for their daadi and daada when they stay with us. I believe in teaching by example. My son and daughters watch my husbnad and I not only serve his parents when they are here, but mine as well. So they learn that all parents are to be cared for and respected, no matter whose side they come from. My in-laws will be moving here full time in a few years. We are purchasing a house nearby for them, and when they are in need of full-time care we will sell both our places and build something bigger to accomodate everyone.

You seem to have the mistaken idea that the only way to care for your parents is to have them living in your home.

50

Re: Nikkah contract

yup i m gonna have that in ma nikkahnama.

My sister has it too, the guy wouldn’t let her have that rite, but in the end agreed. Dont know y guys wont let women have that rite

51

Re: Nikkah contract

Any guy who cannot afford to live away from his parents when he is in his mid-20s is just pathetic. It's still another thing when he chooses to live with them and fully supports them financially, that's more respectable in my eyes.

52

Re: Nikkah contract

Where did I say that I find it disgraceful to support my wife's family. I surely will have objection living with them. If there is ever a need to support my wife's parents, I shall do it without a second thought the same way I would do with my own parents. I would give the same respect to my parents-in-law as I have for my own parents. It seems the ladies are totally incapable of doing the same.

53

Re: Nikkah contract

At time comes when there is no alternative to that. Your last 2 sentences are contradicting at the best.

^^ Samajhtay Hain MujhaY ^^
54

Re: Nikkah contract

So you would also object to living with your parents- after all, you are respecting them the same?

I don't see any of the ladies here not giving equal amounts of respect? I think that you either aren't reading the posts, or have your own preconceived notions and aren't even willing to consider someone else's opinions, or what Islam has to say on the issue.

55

Re: Nikkah contract

Amana, kudos to you for raising responsible kids. May they be blessed, Ameen.

The point that i wanted to make perhaps may have already been discussed here. I dont think its only my brother's responsibility to care for our parents. I doubt my husband will have any issues if i had to bring my parents to stay with us. Also, if his parents were alive today, i would see that its his responsibility to care for them and hence mine as well. On the other hand, when my brother gets married, i dont expect his wife to care for my parents. If she does, good for her. If not then its my and my siblings responsibility anyways.

I personally think we shouldnt expect other siblings to contribute to the help. If they want to support somehow, good for them. If not, then i am not going to demand that my siblings take care of our parents equally or that my husband's siblings help out as well to support his parents.

THe way I see it, more sawab for me (or him or both). :)

56

Re: Nikkah contract

I agree that when they are in genuine need of care there is no alternative, and we have made plans for when that time comes. However, when people are perfectly capable, there is no reason, unless everyone wants to, for everyone to be living in the same house. In fact, Islam requires that you give your wife separate accomodation if she requests it.

Istekharaa
57

Re: Nikkah contract

I completely agree. In my family's case the siblings who were far away said that they wanted to help, and asked how they could. In my husband's situation, we know that it is not likely that his brother will ever accept responsiblity, and we wouldn't demand it. His sisters will not help because of cultural reasons, so the financial burden will be totally on my husband. In my parents situation they are alhumdulillah well off, and have said that they want us to sell their assets to fund their long-term care and whatever other expenses we have, insh-Allah. I know that my brother and sister and their families will also help out in any way possible.

I guess I was describing an ideal situation, where everyone genuinely wants to help out, but that's not always the case.

58

Re: Nikkah contract

I would have no objection, if my wife's parents want to live with me. Not me living with them.

You have just arrived here recently. I have been through much more such posts then you have. I respect your opinion but it does not mean that I have to agree with it as well. If it works for you, go for it and good for you. My observations has been mostly otherwise.

Islam has given more responsibility to the menfolk to think about these situation. I am sure you are aware of what Islam has to say about treating ones parents.

59

Re: Nikkah contract

I know exaclty what Islam has to say about treating one's parents, and that would be Islam, not the DVOI. Parents are to be respected, loved, and cared for by both daughter and son, in equal measure. Men do not have a greater degree of responsibility towards their parents in Islam. There is nothing in the Quran or hadith to indicate this.

By the way, you said that you would let your wife's parents live with you, but you would not live with them. So, would you live with your parents, or let them live with you?

Most girls object to moving in with the boy's parents, but have absolutely no objection to the parents moving in when they are in need of care. It's the constant carping and nonsense that goes on when there are too many 'cooks in the kitchen' so to speak, and the 'bahu as household servant' that upsets women.

You may have been here at gupshup longer, but I am probably old enough to be your mother, and far more experienced with life.

60

Re: Nikkah contract

I agree with SolarOceans, if you know the person well enough and they know you, then rights and etc are understood but hey if you feel like it by all means go for it!

********** MisaaL **********