Need some advice

Lifestyle Relationships
41

Re: Need some advice

Sims,

I fully agree with Mabrook's post. She has made a good point about what will you do when your husband moves to the US? Your parents and brothers are sitting in Pakistan and can't do anything to make sure that your husband stays within his limits. Is that the kind of marriage you want to have where your own family has to constantly make sure that your husband is behaving?

Also, keep in mind that if your parents/brothers give him a lecture about treating you right......he might agree with them in Pakistan and promise them he'll be nice to you. BUT.......maybe his EGO will get so hurt by your family's lecture.......that he could even try to take revenge on you for that when he comes to the US. Maybe your husband's parents might even encourage him to disrespect you for daring to lecture him through your parents. That's a possibility.

When you created this thread on Gupshup, you were VERY angry and frustrated. For the next few days, try to relax and think with a calmer mind about what you want to do with your life. If you TRULY feel that you absolutely cannot give this guy another chance....if you feel absolutely disgusted with his presence and the idea of living with him and having his children............please tell your parents that it's too late for another chance and that you've given way too many chances, you're exhausted, and since they pressured you to marry this loser in the first place....they should now at least let you find relief by separating from him.

42

Re: Need some advice

You dont love him or even like him...that feeling of hate wont change automatically one day.

If you hate him now...you will loathe the sight of him when he is here.

43

Re: Need some advice

I feel sorry for you!

May Allah help you!

44

Re: Need some advice

Thank you all for your good advice!

No I'm not immature..When someone feels unhappy or depressed...then the person can say and do stupid things....My mother gave me very good feeling when she told me that they will do this and that to him if he will behave bad to me! My main thing is: I don't want to hurt my parents and family!! But my dear parents and family think only about their izzat etc. That's more important then my happiness....So if they don't care for me...why should expect from HIM that he'll care for me? So no expectations...No heartbreaking...

I still don't want to live with that man...I really hate him...
But everyone is trying to pressurize me...pfff....
Yes, I don't have my own life....I have to follow that path that everyone has made for me!

Yes I'm pathetic...Yes I'm ambitious...Yes I'm will do everything that makes me happy...yes I'm going to ignore him when he'll be here....

No i'll never let him blackmail me....I know better then him what kind of relationship I had with my buddy....
I was alone...I'm alone...I will be alone!!
Simple thinking will help me out of this!

When he'll be here I will tell you guys about my life!

I will pray to Allah..

I was always a person who loved to laugh and to be happy...
AND I will be become the same like I was before marriage! It's my little world....

I'm feeling much better now....When I started this thread I was getting mad!! But now I feel relaxed....Coz who isn't mine...why should I be his?

Thank you all!!

45

Alright then.

It is of course your choice as to what path you should take.

But Simmie...read your own post again. How much sense does it make to you? First you say you hate him and don't want to live with him. Then you say you will do everything that makes you happy. How can you do everything that makes you happy when you're living with him...something which you yourself have stated that you will "hate?" Isn't that a bit contradictory?

You've emphasized that you've always have been alone and will continue to be alone. How is that going to make you happy? I like my solitary time as much as the next person, but I know I would wither away if I didn't have companionship in my life.

You say that you don't want to hurt your family. Good for you Simmie. Truly, that's a wonderful thing and shows how much sabr and good intentions you have. But sweetie...this is a marriage we're talking about. Assuming you two are relatively young and in decent health, you're going to be with each other for decades...years and years of being in each other's presence, breathing the same air, etc. It's you who is going to be sharing space and time with this man, NOT your parents or family. They're not the ones who will have to put up with him no matter how many lectures they give him. That's all on you. I understand all about wanting to please your family, but at the expense of your happiness and well-being? Don't you think you're being a bit unfair to yourself?

As for his not blackmailing you...I certainly hope and pray that it won't come to that. But Simmie...the person who is being blackmailed usually has no say in the matter. It's the blackmailer who decides if and when he will blackmail someone. You're about to invest yourself in this big time...if he's coming to wherever you are, as your husband, he's going to have a stake (as much as half, possibly more) in whatever assets you have. If things get worse, he could conceivably walk away with a whole lot of things that YOU and you alone have worked for.

You sound positive and determined. But Simmie he isn't here yet. It's one thing to SAY that you'll go through with what you have so far described as a loveless, respect-less, non-supportive marriage...it's another thing to live that reality day after day after day.

I'm not trying to hurt you or be insulting. Please know that. I'm sincerely worried about you here after reading this post and I'm not certain that you've really thought this through.

I could be wrong. You know yourself and your husband and family best. I really hope I'm wrong because I'm all for the institution of marriage. In the best of worlds, when people get married, they should stick together. But everything you've written so far tells me that your "little world," isn't so great right now.

Good luck honey. Regardless of what you decide, I'll pray for you.

46


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Aaj Kiss Baat Par Gussa Aaya ??????
Aaj Kiss Baat Par Gussa Aaya ??????
47

I balme ur parents for this whole drama... thats simply stupid !

48

Re: Need some advice

When he's finally with you 24/7, this man will take revenge on you. Steer clear of him for your own good.

49

Re: Need some advice

Simmie - hun .. you really need to listen to urself -

your parents made one decision for you - yes theyre not farishta's but at the same time I would have thought that they would have told you to stop right here and finish it off..

What is left for this man to do? his family to do?
yahaan aakar woh kya karega - kya guarantee hai iss baat ki ke he wont go about his own ways and leave u to fight for urself yet again -

u dont want to hear anything negative about your parents - but ab tum mazeed taqleef mein unki wajaah se hi jaa rahi ho ke nahi??
and why do you deserve it?? what have you NOT done to protect this marriage from falling apart?

so please - apni zaat par taras khaao aur khuda ke liye dont get into this mess.. abhi shayad koi rasta bhi hoga nikalne ka.. baad mein shayad woh bhi na rahe..

please please do what YOU think is best for you and forget about everything and everyone else - tumhari jaan hai, ispar aur zulm nahi karo..

50

Agree with** Mysticalrain**!

Simmie, you might have a way out of this mess if you take action NOW. If you continue to stay married to him, things will become stickier, and it will be harder for you to get out.

Maybe I'm being paranoid here......but what if this guy tries to hurt you when he moves to your country? For example, what if he moves to your country and doesn't change his behavior and you decide to divorce him. What if you try to get remarried again and he goes around purposely destroying your reputation to hurt you? What if he moves to the US and tries different ways of emotionally blackmailing you???? ** I don't agree with the idea of you bringing him to the country that you're living in.** It just doesn't seem safe. Let him stay in Pakistan, don't bring him here. Khuda ka vaasta don't help him to come to the US or wherever it is you live. Start the process of legal separation. And tell your parents that it's too late to give him another chance and that since they put you in this museebat......they should at least support you in getting a separation without pressuring you to give him another stupid chance.

51

Re: Need some advice

now that u hav made ur decision may Allah help u thru it. i'm not gonna say if u r right or wrong its ur life if u think u can keep up like that for rest of ur life qudoos to u.

Daal roti, Anda Chawal
52

Re: Need some advice

What is everyone talking about here? forget YOU, what about him?
I mean it was really stupid of your parents to get you married to someone with such a huge educational difference, what did they expect?
And NOW you're being as stubborn as them.
After your first post, I felt a bit sorry for you, but no anymore.
I mean, if you will call him here, you know in your heart that it's not for the right reasons......cussing him out, and talking about taking 'revenge'??
Like really?
And also, if you do decide to live with him, you have to give him the postion and respect of a husband islamically and morally.
Either call him over, start with a clean slate, and honestly try to make your marriage work,
because if you don't and then get pregnant, and then decide to leave him, think of how many lives you will destroy then.
OR if there's absolutely no possibility of making it work, then just be smart enough to call it quits right now.
And I feel for the guy too, I mean , he may be UNPARH, but he probably deserves a wife that would respect him.

53

Re: Need some advice

^ i agree with u.even i felt that may b Simmie has given him this attitude that i'm more educated n this n that n u r a paindu. coz when u hate someone u can't hide ur hatred n thats wat u get back hate n disgust. may b she's been in her cloud9 from day 1 n thus they never reached towards any understanding. Simmie to win a man over u need to respect him a lot no matter how lower his standard is. u hav to worship him like God. only then he'll behave like a tamed puppy n be ur slave.So if u really wanna work this marriage call him n ask for apology even u r sure u did nothing n start praising him n show respect. there's a proverb"jitna gur dalo utna he meetha hoga"

54

I totally agree with you Sara. If you live with him you're going to lose everything; your time, your money, your happiness, and may be you'll have kids and you'll have to lose them too which will be really difficult for you in future. So, you've a chance, decide before you plan you next baby........please do not play with innocent kids lives. thats my humble request. and IF you decide to live with him then, decide it forever.

Sorry, no offence to anyone;s opinion here :) may be i'm wrong, just what my mind said after reading her posts was THIS

55

Re: Need some advice

Oops! I didn't read all posts before, i just read her last post..and i'm also very surprised. She is an educated girl MashaALLAH she should behave like that and shouldn't call her husband with such disrespectful names , never..!! Even if you don't want a relationship [after deciding] you should be like the one who says "jaisay shadi aap keh rahi ho, kismat mein thi to ho gayee, waisay hee separation qismat mein thi to ho gayee" and not from the ones jo pehlay say hee gaali galoch kar rahi hay, i know she'd be angry thats why she used such words but anger is from shaitan, but try NOT to let the shaitan get over you honey.. that's a bad sign - Seek help from ALLAH Taala in every prayer.

No offence to anyone again.

56

Re: Need some advice

Seriously, what are some parents thinking? I feel like smacking someone.

57

Re: Need some advice

i don't think its parents fault here. its the girl who allowed everyone to use her as a puppet. she let them make the decision of her life. they made a decsion based on some bad experiences with other daughter/s. kum parha likha damad dub ker rehay ga aur baiti ko kush rekhay ga.

58

OMG. I hear this all the friggin time! How can we rid people of this retarded way of thinking???

59

Re: Need some advice

really i heard it for first time:)

60

Re: Need some advice

^ its the other way around too. Some people reckon if they get some naive lil girl for their ladla, that she will be kept under the thumb and obey all their commands as well.

This case is not unique.. its like many others. Why dont people just learn.. why dont parents just be parents