Need some advice

Lifestyle Relationships
61

It IS the parents' fault. The cannot be exempt from responsibility and accountability simply because they have the lofty status of being "PARENTS." They are just as capable of making mistakes like other human beings.

What were the parents thinking when they got their educated daughter married off to a guy who's only a 5th grade graduate? I could understand if he was the same level of education as her. I could understand if he only did the first two yeas of college. I might even be able to understand if he were only a high school graduate. But there is great potential for a WORLD'S DIFFERENCE in mentality between a college graduate and one who has only completed 5th grade.

And I know that there might be a few stories that fall into the "exception" category.....stories of a few couples who have had successful marriages DESPITE the huge disparity in education level. BUT in this case......the girl wasn't even happy about he rishta. The biggest sign of her unhappiness was that her parents had to "pressure" her into this match. People who are sincerely happy about a decision don't need to be "pressured." She was turned off by this guy from the get-go....and her parents showed no consideration for her feelings. So, the parents are **first **to blame.

It's possible that Simmie might have displayed a surly and cocky attitude toward this guy for being more educated than him. But this could have been prevented if she weren't pressured AND emotionally blackmailed into marrying him in the first place.

Yes, there are two sides to a story. And we don't know the guy's side. We don't know about the wrong things that Simmie may have done. But assuming she** "turned her nose up at him" **for being less educated........does that justify him hurling profanities at her......wrongfully accusing her of having affairs with other men.........blackmailing her about threatening to tell her parents of a former friendship she had with a male that was only platonic?????? And whilst doing all these things........he's also expecting her to get his visa paperwork done and buying him a house??? Even if she were being conceited.....it doesn't justify him acting like a TRUE anparh ganwar toward her.

Simmie.....it's obvious you HATE this guy.....and it's not likely that you will like him any better once he moves to your country. If you feel that you can't stand him at all......then just leave him......and don't let him come to the US.

62

I agree with Sadzzz. This view seems more common to me. It's similar to the reason why some desi parents choose to bring a "bride" from the motherland assuming that she'll be more "innocent" "naive" "mold-able" and "submissive" and "obedient" than the girls born and raised in the west.

I would imagine that parents would hesitate to bring highly educated daughters for their "anparh" sons.......fearing that not only will it make him look inferior....but that she might even put on "airs" about herself.

~~~Missing Someone~~~
63

"I want to take revenge on that B***D"

If it wasn't for all the foul language and talk of wanting revenge, I would take your side 100% without looking at all the facts! Hehe! Seriously though, you keep using so much foul language about your Husband. I can understand how distressed you must be, but try to look like the mature adult in this marriage. Lol! I am trying to see things from both sides. It could be possible that you are portraying your husband in such a way so that others hate him so much, as family issues are often exaggerated! Just ask any DIL about issues with her MIL and how many lies are created in the procedure! Lol!

You have been continually defending your parents and their decision to get you married to their choice, so we can’t blame your parents entirely. I think you should stop grousing, give your Husband another chance and put up with the Husband you allowed your parents to choose for you, as no one put a gun to your head to marry him! If that was the case or you felt forced, then why have your parents giving you so much liberty to live alone and that too abroad? You said yes to marrying him three times knowing fully well how educated he was. But I don't think education has anything to do with this as I have seen educated ppl' who behave like they are completely uneducated!!!!

Using your own words in an earlier post, your Husband is not a farista but just* a human being*. So learn to live with his flaws and keep reminding yourself he is not a farista.

If your husband had a best friend, who was a girl and wanted to marry him – then you too would feel jealous.

There are two sides to every story. How much have you been willing to compromise for him? Do you have a temper you cannot control? Have you ever been rude to your MIL? Have you used the same foul language here to describe your Husband to your Husband's face? Have you ever belittled him about his education? Have you ever reminded your Husband that you earn more than him? Have you ever encouraged him to enrol into school again? Do you get on with your MIL? Are you always respectful to your SIL's and FIL etc? You see there are two sides and we only know one. Mostly always stories are **exaggerated **and I am sure your Husband's story is completely different. Maybe he is feeling so hurt and depressed too at his kismet?!

You should get legal advice asap to help you sort out your marriage problems. Your lawyer, as per their area of specialization, can give you vital comprehensive and proficient advice. I suggest you also go to your GP to get referred to a marriage counselor, which could do you wonders.

Good luck.

64

Re: Need some advice

If the guy is being an ass now what makes you think he'll get better overtime?

why are you wasting your time, effort and feelings on someone who can't even respect you and is making you miserable?

65

:k:

66

Instead of leaning on others, you need to grow a backbone yourself and walk out if you don't even want to be with this guy. Are all these people going to be living in your house with you? I don't think so.. so then what are you gonna do if it gets worse? Have your parents yell at him through the phone.. um ok, he's not 10.

67

Re: Need some advice

MARRY your best buddy and divorce your husband. he sucks

68

Re: Need some advice

^ Her best buddy is married! :)

69

Re: Need some advice

does it really matter what he says to your parents?

i mean you respected your parents, and now for that he is punishing you? tell him that you are grown up and if i really wanted to marry my best friend, no one could had stopped me, cuz unlike you i am independent. and this zaat-paat really is a Pakistani fuss.

I will respect you, if you agree to respect me.

yOuR aTtEnDeNcE PlZ!!!
70

Re: Need some advice

I did had a lots of respect for him! BUt the way he did everything to me...i really hate him for that!! I'm the one who is facing this problem....if I say disrespectful things abt him that doesn't mean that I also say that to him!! I was a woman with respect..bu whenever I look in the mirror I hate myself...coz he did things (I'll never be able to say it) that i'll never forget!!

Some of the guppies here felt sorry after reading my first post...and when they read my post about my negative feelings they started to think that I would have given him the feeling that he is anparh?? I know how to respect others....but when someone can't give me respect how can I do it for him? I know it's stupid of me to write that kind of things here but I was talking about the biggest ISSUE of my life!! And you guys expect me to behave normal?? I can't do it!!

And yes if he'll come here...Till that time I will write everything in a book....all the things that went wrong in my married life!! Then I will forget everything..and will throw that book away....I will give him and MYSELF a chance....see if it's possible to live together!!

No it's not the fault of my parents..neither my fault...it was just the situation!! It's kismat!!

Anyways guys...thank you for your advise....

71

Re: Need some advice

Simmie, take what you read here with a grain of salt. A lot of people simply have not experienced the kind of abuse you have been put through. It's really easy to dish out advice and bash someone. It's also really easy to say, 'treat your man like a God and respect him day and night', but what a lot of people do not realize is that it's hard to treat your man like a God when that man cusses you out and accuses you of filthy things.

Most people get married to have a companion to share your life with. You do not expect your husband, of all people, to mistread you so badly. It is devastating, really devastating and a lot of people simply do not 'get' it.

You can continue to try and be respectful, but you start feeling resentment that you are being kind to someone who can be so mean to you and eventually you start disliking yourself and the kind of life you are leading.

At the end of the day, only you and your husband know what you went through. I wish you the best of luck with everything and will be thinking of you.

Please take care of yourself, because you cannot expect him to. Make yourself strong. You are an educated woman with a degree and, I am assuming, at one point, a good head on your shoulders. Straighten your thinking out. Start putting your life together, day by day. It's really hard, but you can do it. Even if you stay with him, strengthen yourself emotionally