Need some advice

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: Need some advice

^They didn't hold a gun to her head. Im sorry but there are alot of people out there who say they got forced and some of these don't even mention to their parents that this is not what i want she said herself i wanted to marry my parents choice so no she did not get forced

22

I'm sorry you miscarried, it's very painful process, in many ways, but always realize there's a better reason for everything. Allah swt doesn't put us through somethng we cannot endure.

If him being far away makes u this miserable...daily life will make u suciidal. dont' start the process and waste your time and money.

23

You both are right .It does not look like anyboody's mistake it seems to be just a mishap.
Her parents did not know the family and the boy well enough . In arranged marriages there is always a chance of this kind of mishap. That is why I have been advocating a full criminal, financial , behavioral , credit and health, background check . Specially in those cases where the families do not know each other for a long period of time.

24

Oh, Lord, I am so sorry to hear about this. Yes, it's true that girls need to stand up for themselves and take some responsibility in the marriage process. But when you've been raised your whole life to be obedient to your parents, agree that they always know what's best for you, etc., etc., it can be extremely hard to defend against the emotional manipulation.

Honestly I don't see this situation getting better----it can only get worse. Living with someone for whom you feel so much disgust will be a living hell. And his jealousy will only increase when you live together and he becomes more threatened by your education, independence, etc. This is how we girls work: when we are so turned off and so disgusted by a guy, there is no way we can ever go back and change those feelings to love. That's just how our hearts work.

It will be enormously hard standing up to your parents and bringing this to an end, but I think you have to. And sorry to say that I agree about what someone else said about imams not being any good in these matters---they almost never have any sympathy for the girl and their primary motivation is to always to 'save the marriage' even when the marriage is a NIGHTMARE.

25

Re: Need some advice

It's unlucky and simmie no you don't deserve this no one does but you obviously don't like him AT ALL and it don't seem you are going to try working at it so don't make him believe be honest - i dont know if you can work at it as someone mentioned it's gone too far thats not to say i am saying give up try try and try again you have to.

Pray to Allah Mian inshallah everything will work out in the end.

26

Re: Need some advice

Simmie, i hear what your saying. Talk to your parents. Maybe they will support you and be ur strength thru this difficult time. In the space of a year you guys have probably had one of the worst marriages. If you cant endure any more suffering its probably time to let go and focus on urself. If youve tried being open with him and have recieved nothing in return then allah doesnt encourage us to be opressed. My dad always says that zalim karnay walay ko sazaa milegi aur sehnay walay ko bhi coz islam doesnt encourage you to take people being unreasonable to you. Everybody has their own haq, fight for yours.

27

Re: Need some advice

Im sorry to hear about your situation. Please tell your parents everything, discuss it with your siblings as well. Take their opinions after you have said every detail to them about him and see what they say.
I think your problems will worsen once he comes to Europe, and i agree with other posters, his abuse will increase from emotional to physical.
Dont quit your job, never ever isolate yourself from your friends and family, because that way he will break you and enslave you.

28

Re: Need some advice

Simmie, I havent read through all the replies so I do not know what the majority are saying. However, here is my take on this:

You're educated and he isnt. He will not understand what you are trying to say or do...there will be no meeting of the minds here.

You've married a man you dont love, had a miscarriage, bought a house you didnt want and are now applying for a visa to bring a man here who means nothing to you.

Do you really think buckling under the pressure of family and doing something everyone else wants you to do will make it better? It wont...take it from someone who has always tried to please others.

YOU do what makes YOU happy FIRST...without directly hurting other people around you. If you leave this guy, it will make people around you unhappy for a while but those people wont be there to pick you up when he breaks you. No one will be there for you when and if he beats you, uses you or takes advantage of you. At that point, behind closed doors...its just you and him. So why should the opinion of others matter soooo much? It shouldnt so please dont let it bother you.

Become independant, make yourself completely free of other people in every way...emotionally, financially and mentally.

You have to understand...it always gets worse before it gets better.

29

Simmie,

This guy (whom you would rather not even call your husband)...

1) Uses profane language when talking to you

2) Has no problem trying to BLACKMAIL you by threatening to tell your parents about a male friend you once hand.

3) His family tells him that you're the wrong person for him. If that's the case......why did they come after you? If his family is trying to turn him against you....why push him to tell YOU to buy him a house, get his visa, etc????

4) He seems to enjoy taking....and doesn't like to give much. A relationship is a two-way street.

5) He's so insecure and jealous that he can't refrain from hurling accusations at you when you don't respond to his calls. It's natural to be insecure, but there is a mature way to handle things.

6) You're stressed out to the point that you've had a miscarriage and you've no desire to fix the relationship. You want out.

Do you need any more reasons to leave this guy? Please forgive me for saying this, but I cannot believe how foolhardy some desi parents can be about their children's lives. Your parents should have realized that you can't change a person. It is absurd for your parents to think that somehow you might change your husband's paindu mentality. They could have found someone who is of the same "zaath" and more compatible with your personality. But instead they chose to fulfill their own "zaath" wishes at the expense of your happiness.

It is easier said than done, but keep in mind that you WILL have to tell your parents sooner or later that you don't want to continue this marriage anymore. Just tell them the truth and even if they try to emotionally blackmail you with their "rona dhona...and I'm sick" business.........please stand strong. Rejecting a rishta or ending a marriage are usually not powerful enough reasons to give someone an instant heart attack/stroke. You tried to make your marriage work for your parents.........you sacrificed your happiness to please your parents........you gave into their wishes......and now it is their turn to be more supportive. And if they fail to do this.....please liberate yourself anyways. Your staying in the marriage is not going to improve your sisters' relationships with their in-laws if they were strained to begin with. It's wrong to tolerate zulm.

30

It seems you already know what you want to do. You want to bring an end to this. And I pretty much agree with you, and other posters here, that you should.

I think one of the things that is causing you the most anxiety is the lack of moral support, yes? You're worried that you'll have no support from your parents and family?

If that's the case, then yeah. It's very possible, just based on what you've posted, that you might not get that support. And if you're going to go through with this, you're going to need all the support you can get to keep your spirits up and keep you on the path you've chosen.

So here are a few suggestions...I know you can't see or hear any of us, but posting here from time to time will give you a boost. Please feel free to post or PM us.

You said you live in Europe. I'm not familiar with the laws or the social/welfare programs they have set up there, so I think you should you speak to a lawyer who specializes in family/marital issues. Preferably one who is Muslim...even better would be a desi Muslim...the trifecta, of course would be a desi Muslim woman. Because not only would she be able to give you legal advice, I'm sure she'd be familiar with support groups for women who are going through similar situations. That could be a massive help to you in your situation.

Or if you have a close friend, go to her.

But please make sure you have someone you can go to. You'll need it.

Good luck. I'll pray for you.

All things Malala Yousafzai
31

Re: Need some advice

Finally I've told my parents about him and my relationship with that "man". My parents say that I should give him a chance. The day he'll be here, they'll give him a HUGE lecture...He is really a chicken when my parents know his negative points or talk about it.....he also know my brothers...who will kill him when they'll know that he "plays" with my feelings and life!!

My parents, aunty and sister gave me advise to try for the last time...If there will be anything between us...They will stand behind me!!

SO Shall I give it a try? Even I don't want to?

And yes I'm not going to quit my job...And ofcourse I will start my study....And obviously I will move to my own house, which I will decorate within few weeks....And I love my car!!
I've, Mashallah, got everything I wanted in my life!! I've got my family who stand behinds me...They also have some regrets about this ristha...But it's fate.. I can't blame them...

I felt terrible coz of him...But I think I allowed him to...I expected TOO much love, respect and careness from him...I haven't got.......Childeren?? No I don't want childeren from him!!

I want to take revenge on that B*****D.....If he comes here....He is going to be the one in the GOLDEN JAIL...NOT ME!!!! Any stupid thing he will say to me..I'll directly call my parents....He is a man who only can talk LOUDLY to his wife...BUt can't do it with others....

It's my fault that I haven't discussed everything earlier....I said some things to my mother about a month ago....My mom was so angry that she gave him a big lecture on the phone.,....and he felt soo ashamed...hahaha..I really enjoyed...

So guppies..Shall I gave him a chance?? Is it better to let every SEE that he is a animal??

I've nothing to lose I think...I feel much better now...Now that my parents know every single thing!!

Thank you all for your good advice!!!!! You all have given me strenght to tell my parents about it....

32

Awesome advice, Mistral! :k:

She can also try a therapist too.

33

Simmie - I'm not one to advocate the break up of a marriage, but are you absolutely certain about this? Because when you were describing all of this yesterday, this didn't sound like the sort of situation you wanted to be in any longer. You said that you didn't want to live with him, that he constantly suspects you of infidelity, that he doesn't support you financially, that his parents say bad things about you, and that you were pressured into marrying him.

You're saying you expected too much love, respect, and caring for him. I'm not certain what that means, but it appears that he doesn't give you any of those things. And a wife has every right to expect such things from her husband. It's the reason Allah commands us to be married, so that our spouses will be a source of comfort and love for us.

And as for your parents giving him a good stern lecture if he misbehaves again...Simmie, I'm not trying to insult your parents, but so what? What earthly good will that do? You said that your mother gave him a lecture a month ago and that he felt embarrassed. But that didn't stop him from subjecting you to more bad behavior when he got over his embarrassment. And is that really what you want Simmie? A marriage that barely stays together just because your parents have to give your husband a lecture every few days? I don't think you respect him very much now...but if you have any feelings of respect at all for him, do you suppose they'll stick around after the 1st, 2nd, 3rd time your parents will lecture him about treating you well? Shouldn't he already know that he's supposed to treat you well and not have to be told to do so?

You've referred to him as a "B*****D," an "animal," a "chicken," etc. So I don't think you should be asking us, I think you should be asking yourself...do YOU really want to give him a chance?

Last person to post in this thread wins!
34

No you have nothing to loose, unless he works out that your 'playing' him, turns nasty and beats you to death.

If your going to bring him over you need to wipe the slate clean and start again, otherwise you just dragging out the misery.

Last person to post in this thread wins!
35

Give him a chance after what you have just called your husband im sorry but you should not speak like that about him at the end of the ay he is at preset your husband and your calling him foul names and then your saying shall i give it one more try

36

Salaam honey, please reread the above quote which you wrote. Its not healthy to continue a relationship in which you hate and loathe someone so much. It seems the only reason you want him to come here is so your parents/family SEE the type of "animal" he is. All you want is to take out your "revenge" on him.

I understand your parents want to give it one last try, but it will be so complicated once he is here. I'm not sure which country you live in, but if you do decide to bring him here, do not give him a stake in your house/assets. Also remember you may end up paying spousal support, if he cant get a job because of his lack of education. It is not your responsibility to support your husband.

I honestly think you should pray istikhara but I personally would not even involve myself with visa applications and end the marriage altogether. There are so many signs that this marriage is unhealthy. InshAllah, you will find the strength to leave and find someone who is similarly educated and kind. Once he is here, things are most likely to get worse rather than better.

I agree with what redvelvet said below, if you get pregnant again, you will be tied to him for life and there is no way out of that situation.

I'm not sure what zaath is, so I cant comment on that... I will keep you in my duas.

~~~Missing Someone~~~
37

Simmie,

Where is your husband living right now? Is in Pakistan or in the US?

You said you don't want to have children with him.......what if you give him another chance and you get pregnant again.......and he still doesn't improve? That would be an even messier situation.

If your husband is living in Pak......he can't respect you from far away.......how will he respect you when he's actually living with you??? How many more chances are you going to give him. I would not be surprised if your parents keep pushing you to give chance after chance after chance........they might even find reasons/excuses for his behavior.

Here's an idea. If you want to give him a chance......give him a "small" one. If a person can't even handle small tasks........how can they be expected to handle bigger ones, right? Keep the test small. For example......give him the chance to speak respectfully to you on the phone without accusing you of having an affair............and the next time he blows that "chance"...........give him the boot. Tell your parents.......**"I gave him the chance to act like a proper husband on the phone and he failed. If he can't treat me right when he's far away, how can he be expected to treat me right when he's in front of my face? He's supposed to act like a good husband at home, outside the home, in emails, and even on the phone. If he can't manage a basic thing like that.......he can't handle anything else. You asked me to give him a chance. I gave him another chance and he proved he's hopeless. I want a divorce regardless of whether you support me or not."

I don't think the deserves a chance.** But if you feel that you must give him a chance.......do it on your terms.......and make it a simple task that you know he can't handle.

And keep some evidence to show your parents such as any nasty emails that he has sent you......or try to record his nasty phone calls. Show your parents concrete EVIDENCE.....and hopefully they'll be even more supportive.

38

Kahtifah is absolutely right. If you start the visa process and then bring him here...and THEN end it, the courts may very well force you to pay him some form of spousal support or force you to give him a stake in your assets if he shows that he's unable to support himself. And he may well be able to do that because you say he isn't educated.

Again, ask yourself...is this really what you want?

Edit - if you really feel you must go through with this and give him a chance, then run - don't walk - to an attorney's office and explain everything to him. And ask him exactly how you can protect yourself and your assets should you choose to bring him over. This is Plan B. But I really think you should give more consideration to Plan A, which is that you end things now because honestly, this doesn't appear to be a situation that is going to improve.

39

Re: Need some advice

i read ur first post n felt the disgust u hav for this man. then i read ur last post n can see u r perhaps too immature to start a relationship now. ur parents n sisters can't do anything once he's here. ur brothers can't touch him or hurt him unless they wanna go thru some legal charges. once he's here the ball will b in his court only. u guys can pressurize him may b but will that b healthy for u? will it be easy for u to sleep with him with the thoughts i don't trust him n can't hav kids with him? y r u chosing to live in hell , is it to please ur family or to take revenge from him with ur family's support? wat if u guys succeed in keeping him in golden cage but for how long can u do that? u don't hav respect for him n neither does he hav for u. no matter how u solve this equation the answer is still ur loss.

40

Re: Need some advice

wow! ur words have so much hate in them... As mabrook said, are u sure ur mature enough for this?? Instead of giving him a second chance whole heartedly its like ur waiting for him to make one slight wrong move to boot him up the backside. Theres no point, honestly none what so ever, ur attitude is not sincere towards him and theres no way i see this 'second chance' working out.

End it before u fall pregnant and both parents make the poor kids life a living nightmare.