Need some advice

Lifestyle Relationships
1

We married about a year ago. We’don’t live together. We’ve been having a lots of misunderstandings and fights. We met eachother 2 times after our marraige. First he came here to Europe. And then I went to him. IT WAS HORRIBLE!!

His mother, sister and brother have been making MY life miserable. My husband has been accusing me for having relationship with a another man, but he was my best buddy. Foy my husband I had to break my contact with my best buddy!! My best buddy wanted to marry me, but for me he was only a friend. I always said that I will marry the person my parents will choose for me. He couldn’t be the one because we don’t have the same “zaath” (PFFF so BACKWARD!!)

The problem now is that the time has come now to start the procudere to get him here. BUT I DON’T WANT ANYMORE!!!
What should I do??

I’ve bought a house here…He never ever gave my a penny since we’re married..Instead of that he has been asking me to give him money when I went to his country.
For the visa I have to pay some amount. When I asked him to send me some money coz I’ve already so many costs here..he said I don’t have money…But now he’s going to Pakistan to visit his family…AND NOW HE HAS THE MONEY FOR IT??I’ve only said that: Visa Pakistan se hi laga ke ana…coz am I his slave or something that I have to do everything?? And still everyone of his family and he are complaining about me??

Is a husband and wife relationship to understand eachother?? to help eachother? to encourage eachother?? And to be respectfull to eachother??
When I’ll ask him…he’ll say YES to all my questions..but he can’t fulfill them…
Whenever I’ve something important to do next day..he always take care of to give me some tension…Even if I’m ignoring…It still hurts…But he doesn’t understand it…he is a really a JANWAR!! who thinks that he’s the best…

Whenever he calls me and I don’t answer the phone, then he start to say (even if my phone wasn’t busy) that: KIS BHAI SE BATHE KAR RAHI THI!!!
So irritating..I have shut my mouth now… I don’t say anything anymore…

He was the one who forced me to have a home after marriage..Coz he would come right away with me..LIE!!
So I bought my house…

He has been giving me to many tensions…that I’ve started to HATE him..I don’t want to ruin my life!!

I even have to quit my job for him..coz he wants it..I don’t want too!!
He doesn’'t want me to talk to any other man…he gets jealous very easily…however I talk to everyone..no matter of it’s a man or woman..black or white…I never think “wrong” about it..as hi does!

I want to get rid of him…But I can’t coz he still says that he going to tell my parents about my friendship (he says pyaar ka ristha) with my best buddy…

But he stills keep telling me that he loves me..but I don’t believe it…

I know there will be a lots of guppies here who’ll give me the advise to have some patience and let him come over…but i don’t want him to come here!!

I already had a miscarriage coz of all the accusations of him…his family has been trying all ways to manipulate him…so that he’ll be miserable with me!! And they keep saying that I’m a wrong person!!

I became depressive after my misccariage..thats’why I went to him..But he said it’s only drama!! He behaved like animals!

I’m educated…I’m going to study MBA in september(he doesn’t want that)…he only has studied till the 5th class (Pakistani school)…So he is really a ANPARH and JAHIL…AND PINDU!!..the way he talks to me…he use dirty words…but whenever he talks to my parents he tries to be very nice Son in Law…My parents have never understand my feelings…I rejected this ristha…But I said yes when my mother started to cry and said she is very ill and very tired…emotional blackmail…then I said YES…And left everything up to Allah!!

We are like black and white…totally opposite of eachother…I can’t blame my parents…Coz they tried their best to find a suitable ristha for their daughter in the f* ZAATH!!

What should I do now??

  • Should I pretend like I’ve started the visa for him and then say that they’ve cancelled?
  • Tell my parents about it. They already have some tension about my sisters who already had some problems with their inlaws…I also have to think about their izzat..I always did. But this man is killing me!!
  • Let him come over here…keep my mouth shut…let him doing anything he wants…Quit my job and sit home for taking care of him and listen to his nonsense!!

Please tell me what should I do??
I don’t want to live with him!!

2

Re: Need some advice

Oh God!I can imagine that!How can you tolerate such all things?And you being an educated girl,how come you married a paindu like him?It's your life,and i don't think you should be spoiling it by living with a person like him.It isn't his fault,it's because of his lack of education.I don't think his behaviour will ever change.Perhaps like some guy from back home,he wants to control his wife,and wants his wife be his slave.

3

Re: Need some advice

Oh gosh I mean if you're obviously the educated one why didn't your parents choose someone more suitable for you? Plus sometimes it's good to marry the best buddy, if you have mutual things in common I mean. And since you're educated why did you allow paindoo thinking to influence you so much? OK yes I know the izzat-issue, but uggh you can have an arranged marriage with someone who suits your means and everything, no one should be mismatched like that. Marriage is a commitment and no plaything, I guess there should have been some discussion about your future as a married couple BEFORE the actual nikah took place. If you're not willing to change and if he is not willing to change and if none of you is willing to make compromises I don't see how it will work out.

I don't want to sound mean or anything, just curious...I cannot imagine myself in that situation either. Inshallah it works out for you.

Antakshri
4

Re: Need some advice

girl you should chosen husband wisely, and there is no point explaining to a 5th grade graduate you have best buddy etc. wow you will be doing MBA and he hasnt finished schooling? sometime a little education/personality difference can work out if both are willing to learn and accept and change a bit.

now look ahead, there is already mistrust between you and him, a lot background and education difference and not to mention personality difference! unless you become a numb wife with no feeling, i dont think this relationship can work better, it will be full of this scuffles

i dont know how you planning to live you life. when he will come to join you, what he is going to do as work? plus you will be sitting at home etc.. sooner or later, he will ask you to work.

you made a mistake, so now correct it. if you expecting a miracle that change him then keep this marriage.

also this buddy, who actually want to marry you. hanging on to you in hope one day you will be his. its also not right for him and for you.

sorry for being judgmental.

Antakshri
5

Re: Need some advice

My best buddy is married now!! He's not hanging on to me!! He never did!!

U guys won't believe. I'm at work...And I'm just crying here....Coz finally I told my story.....Thanks for your replies!!

6

Re: Need some advice

Simmie, what about doing istheekhara? Maybe it will help you. Or consult an Imam?

7

Re: Need some advice

the thing that got to me was that you have a bachelors degree while he is not even "metric pass". There is not enough time here to voice all of the obvious conflicts here.

  1. If he mentions your male-friend to you parents you can a. deny it, b. admit that he was only a friend. Most parents are understanding enough and wise enough to know when their child is telling the truth. Its not like you were having an affair.

  2. Do not even start the immigration process. I am surprised that you even wasted key strokes writing such a comment.

  3. Isn't is obvious that he'll just leave you after establishing a legal residence in EU? Countless women and even men have been victims of such fraud: man/woman obtains a green card in the U.S. and then leaves the spouse.

  4. Marriage only works when both partners are willing to share the burden and overlook each others shortcomings and mistakes. Remember that marriage is not a temporary union but an alliance to face the hardships of life.

  5. Consulting imams and otherwise is a useless process. Imam is still a man and a man cannot fully appreciate, comprehend, or envisage a woman's true feelings. He might even suggest that you are the guilty one and need to bend and change around a man.

Please don't make the rest of your life a living hell. Do you think this abuse will end after he arrives in EU? I can bet you anything that the verbal abuse will not only continue but will escalate into physical abuse. I broke off a possible engagement with a woman for far less because aggravation no matter how minuscule or minute is not worth it.
I hope you heed my advice.

8

Re: Need some advice

i think the trust issue on his part arises from the fact that he myt feel intimidated that ur so educated.

He sounds like a div but to be honest im not so keen on the way youve slated him... its obvious u hate him, before u turn psyco and end up killing him u myt aswell end it. Are you sure u havent tried making it work? maybe try an talk to him and save ur marriage... You have alot of resentmnt towards him, u blame him for losing ur best friend, u feel like u cudve done better but u shud of spoken before you married him. Your obviously not willing to actually give it a proper go again, could it be as a result of something u did wrong or are doing on ur own part.

Maybe instead of totally ignoring his request of u studying further u can explain it to him, try talking to him like a mature adult. Maybe its too late now, maybe u guys have acted immaturly towards each other that this relationship is beyond repair. People like him take some time for u to win over his trust and it seems to me u havent tried to win his trust. A man like him requires much patience, patience many girls dont possess these days. On the other hand i could be wrong, maybe u have tried but u just havent expressed it properly.

I dont know, but all i know is that no man would be happy with his wife being friendly towards a guy who loved her. Its common sense and human nature.

It seems like in this relationship u guys are bad for each other, I know im no one to judge but i dont think u made thinks any easier for urself.

Yeah the whole visa and money thing is stupid i suppose from what youve said he sounds like a jaahil but ur parents must of seen something in him to marry you to him.. and why on earth did u agree???

9

Simmie, I know many will not agree but this situation is intolerable, you need to get out!! How is he going to work and support you when he gets here? He does not seem to possess either the financial or emotional capabilities as a husband, seems like your been used as a ‘cash cow’.
Immigration can be a minefield of bureaucracy, make lots of mistakes on the application and delay things, if your family aren’t supportive sell your house and move away, do not bring him here!
Sounds drastic but this is only going to end miserably, if you bring him here and settle down your going to end up as one of those bitter, depressed moms who then messes up their kids mentally, ultimately becoming the nightmare MIL.

10

Re: Need some advice

He's shakki, accuses you of filth, causes you physical and emotional turmoil, verbally abuses you, doesn't support you financially, doesn't care about you .... and doesn't sound like he ever will.

I can understand him not liking you best buddy. He's insecure and doesn't get it cause he's raised in Pakistan.

With this type of personality, you can isolate yourself from everybody to please him and he will still bash you left, right and centre.

Stay away from him, for your own sake.

11

Thats a strong and grossly miscalculated statement, I dont think its got to do what raising in Pakistan, Not every Pakistan is like this example. and you will find people like him in the west in abundance. this guys hasnt been to exposed to even co education how can he digest such that his wife a "best buddy"! so his personal upbringing, environment, and his own personality is to blame, NOT Pakistan!

~~~Missing Someone~~~
12

Re: Need some advice

^ haha, I knew someone would come back and say that. :clown: I understand where you are coming from.

13

Re: Need some advice

And i assume that guy belongs to some Village!:hmmm:

14

Thanks for your advice. Yeh my parents saw that he talked in a PINDU manner..and uneducated...but they thought..he'll change with Simmie.....I said yes because everyone at home was pressuring me..I know it's a bad reason...But at that time I couldn't do anything else....Coz everyone started to say: What do you think of yourself etc etc...My sisters married educated husbands...but they had some problems with their inlaws..So my parents thought it's better to let our last daughter marry to an uneducated....And yeh you are right....It's all my fault!!

Why shoudn't he trust me?? I always..and always tell the truth..he knows that...But he only wants to irritate me!!

I'm a "open book". I tell and told him everything that bothered me...but I haven't received any warm feeling from him...coz of him I've started to become very quiet and started to ignore him and the things he says...But that's not the way I want to live my life...

Further...I've been trying to tell him what kind of relationship I want...he understands it...but can't do anything......

I admit...there must be many mistakes of my side...But the point is...I don't want to live with him...

I'm not the person who lies...He is the one....

He even goes to the MUJRA'S...but I've never said to him that I'm going to tell anyone abt it...I always said i don't like it....but I haven't paid much attention to it..coz I thought he'll change...

Pff....I'm tired...of all the things that happened...Maybe u all will think that I'm a very sad person...Yes I am...my parents weren't here when I had my misscarriage....I wanted to cry and wished that my mum was here to comfort me...But she wasn't....she even didn't knew it...I didn't wanted to give tension to her...But the last day I told her....I know it's Allah ki marzi....And if it was mine....and it would stayed with me!! But that time was soo hard for me...coz I had a lots of pain in my tummy from the 1st day of my pregnancy....

Enough abt my problems..I'm sorry guys....That's it!!
I'm not perfect....I'm willing to change...but I can't go lower...only higher...

Thank you all for your good advise!!

15

Re: Need some advice

Pathetic im sorry but you say you didn't marry your buddy because you wanted to marry the one your parents chose for you but to me it seems like you regret it.

If you hate him so much then get it over with you can't live your life like this and to say i will pretend i have started the visa for him and they cancelled he may be a mean idiot but im sorry your no better. If you hate him so much tell it like it is i hate you and i don't want you to come over!

16

Your first mistake was keeping your firendship with someone who wanted to marry you. he wasn't just a "best buddy" he had feelings for you and wanted to marry you. No husband would be okay with that.

But other things, since ure not living together, break it up now. U dont have much to lose. If you live togehter...u will have alot more to lose.

17

Re: Need some advice

He is from Venice and you are from Mars. You two are not compatible in any shape and way to be husband and wife. He is not the kind of man who can deal with a marriage to an educated , well mannered and well behaved woman. It has nothing to do with his not being educated , many many uneducated people behave so decently. The decision is yours , you want to add some more miserable years to your life by giving this marriage a chance or you want to live a happy life.
Your parents cared more about getting you married to same zaat , that has nothing to do with religion , it was so pathetic of them. They did not want best for you they wanted best what suited to their so called image in their own cocoon like society or culture.
So pathetic . I am so sad and disgusted after reading what you are going through and what you should look forward to once he is with you. You are right there is no hope for this match made by your naive parents.

The Jail game
18

I second it has nothing to do with him not being educated many uneducated men would not behave in this way.

Im educated my husband isn't we still have the same understanding and outlook to life.

19

Thanks for your advice!!

You don't have to say negative things about my parents... i really don't like it!! I only want advise about what I should do NOW...Not the mistake that my parents made....They are also human being...not farishta....

20

i'm so sorry to hear all this. i think you should break it off now and move on with your life. don't let your parents make you fell guilty about it. they should not have forced you to marry him in the first place...it was a total mismatch.