Re: Need some advice please!
:k:
Re: Need some advice please!
Never mind…wrote something but then changed my mind. This chapter is officially closed - no matter what he does now.
Re: Need some advice please!
thats the right decision. You don’t have all your life to keep going back to him just because he says he wants to do study now and needs help.. Its too late and like all things, you move on. He had his chance
Re: Need some advice please!
All I’m going to say is, after reading the whole thread, if you have made a decision, just stick to it. I know sometimes making the right decision for YOU, is much harder than we think, but we have to. There will be times when you’ll feel weak and vulnerable. There will be times when you will second guess your judgements and think what have you done. There will be tough times ahead for you, since you have gotten out of a 4 year relationship now, supposedly, but trust me as someone who has been there and done that, at the end of the day, you are going to pat your own back for making the right decision. That time won’t come soon, psychologists say it takes us 6 months to fall in love and at least a year to fall out of love, so if you did truly love this guy, you have a hell of a few months ahead of you, but unfortunately, this isn’t Bollywood where everything will eventually work out in the end.
Sometimes we have to look at things with the realistic lens. Not idealistic. Not the way we want them to be, but the way they are. Like many other people pointed out, it isn’t about money, but it is about ambition and the drive. If this guy is 31 and he doesn’t have a proper job even at the age of 31, then I’m sorry there’s something missing. He’s not even becoming a Doctor or something, that he needed all those years to study and establish himself. He’s studied business and done an MBA, as far as I can reckon from the thread. At most, a person is 25 by the time they are done with their MBA. He’s 31, that means he has wasted 6 years. Even if this person wasn’t well off and needed time to finish his studies, I know many people like that and they worked at the side. They funded their own education. As soon as they graduated, they picked up any job they could find and worked their way up. This is what ambition and will does to you.
You have every right to look for certain qualities in a partner, since you’ve achieved few things in life and you want to settle down now. I think you’ve done a good thing, by letting this go. This is why it is called a relationship. You get to know someone and over time you find out how they really are. If they match you or not. If your mental level matches theirs or not. If your life’s goals and ambitions are compatible with theirs or not. No one can force you to marry this guy, not even him. I am sorry, but you should never come under emotional pressure from anyone. You should not let your age be a defining factor in who you choose as a life partner, it should not be a decision done in haste. You spent few years working on your life and getting to where you are and you shouldn’t feel guilty about that. You shouldn’t think that you wasted your youth on your career and now you’re doomed. You’ll never find a decent man. That’s untrue. I don’t know about the US, but I know for a fact in the UK, people marry a bit late. Later on in life. Late 20s or early 30s. I mean the guys. I know many of my friends who got married at the age of 25, 27, I know one who got married at the age of 32. They have found loving, decent and very well established husbands.
You need to open your eyes and look at the world around you. You have already spent 4 years of your life running after this ‘online’ character. He has never met you, never made the effort I am assuming and always required something from you. It is time you put everything aside and built a bridge to walk forward. For your and your life’s betterment. As soon as you let go of this character, you will get ample opportunities to meet new people and better ones. But for that, you have to give your self a chance. For something new to come in, you have to let go of the old one mate.
Re: Need some advice please!
looks like someone needs to OWN IT!
Re: Need some advice please!
Thank you for your comment. It’s been really hard. Sometimes I feel like my heart physically hurts. And I know we never managed to meet even though we tried, but there was still something there. I went through the whole thread again and I almost feel like I and everyone else bashed the guy but he’snot a bad person. Everyone has certain qualities and just because he’s not ambitious doesn’t make him a bad person per se. I guess I’m trying to convince myself more than anyone else.
He finished his MBA about 3 years ago and had a job while he was abroad. It was an entry-level job but obviously everyone has to start someone. He also funded his own education so I know he’s hardworking but then eventually his visa ran out and he had to go back to Pakistan and it’s been more than a year but he still doesn’t have a job and just sounds really hopeless. I guess that’s why he wanted me to sponsor him – it was an easy way out of Pakistan. He keeps saying that I make him want to be a better person and he’ll getback on his feet if he could get out of Pakistan but people have jobs there too, right? I just wish we could’ve metonce but it seemed like whenever he went to Pakistan, I wasn’t there and when Iwent, he wasn’t there. Now he can’t comewhere I am and he keeps asking me to come to Pakistan which I could easily do Isuppose but I feel like this isn’t how it should be done. The guy is supposed to go to the girl. The ladkay walay go to the ladki walay’shouse – I feel like why should I have to go all the way to Pakistan just so we can meet?
This whole thing has gotten so messed up. Even the last time we talked, he said he really loved me and I asked him how that waspossible without meeting and seeing me and he said it was my personality thatcaptured him and that he can’t see his life without me but I guess it’s easy to say words. If he was serious, he wouldmake the best out of his situation, wherever he is.
I don’tknow why I’m writing all of this. I madea decision and I’m going to stick to it. It doesn’t matter what he does now. It doesn’t matter if he wants to do a PhD or if he gets an amazing job or if he suddenly becomes ambitious. Regardless of what he says or feels, I feel like there are too many cracks. I’m done (trying very hard to convince myself….)
Re: Need some advice please!
He isn’t a bad person. He might be kind and shareef and those are great qualities. But the main problem is - I just don’t understand why he is putting everything on you to secure your future together. You should sponsor him to US/Canada and only after that he will work. Why is that ? It just sounds very matlubi and very one-sided to me. Yes things could work out, you could sponsor him and maybe he’ll find a good job and work alongside you to run the home. But there is always a chance that he will not change how he’s been living his life for the past 30 years or so. You know him better than anyone else here, so I think you know the answer to this.
Oftentimes when people fear losing someone in their life - they make a change. Has he made any changes to show you he doesn’t want to lose you in his life? It’s easy to say kind and romantic things to someone over the internet. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy - but when we are attracted to someone it’s easy to overlook reality and we get swept up into their words and a life that we imagine will come very easily.
Re: Need some advice please!
According to him, it’s very hard to find a job in Pakistan and since he found a job in England when he was studying, he’ll be able to do it in North America as well. I don’t necessarily think he’s lazy; I think being in Pakistan is hard and it has made him hopeless and ambitious less. But to answer your question: no, he hasn’t made any changes.
I’m sorry everyone!!! I need to stay away from him. I made up my mind and now I have to stick to it, no matter what.
Re: Need some advice please!
Finding a job in Pakistan might be tough, but what if the roles were reversed and you were moving there to live with him? What would he do then? There isn’t a guarantee that he will find work right away here as well. Considering you haven’t really met him in person, it’s even hard for you to judge what kind of person he is based on what he’s been typing online. Please don’t forget you haven’t met him in person.
I think if that’s the decision you’ve made, stick to it.
Re: Need some advice please!
I’m embarrassed to say that I literally never thought of this. You’re right - what would he do if I was willing to move to Pakistan? This whole thing is under the assumption that we would live abroad. And again you’re right…skyping and phone calls don’t really tell us about a person I’m going to consciously stop myself from thinking about this anymore. Thank you for your advice!
Re: Need some advice please!
jab biwi aur naukri donooN mil rahi hooN tu muhabbat ho he jati hai
Re: Need some advice please!
Ok everyone, so I know this was really stupid but I spoke to him. I couldn’t help it!! He said he’s working on a business with afriend and applying to phd programs in England. We ended up discussing stuff that we’ve discussed before and he said I makehim sound like a loser who hasn’t done anything with his life but in reality,he has always worked. It’s only when he came to Pakistan that he fell in a bit of a funk. I told him let’s suppose he married someonein Pakistan, who couldn’t sponsor him and he said he’s trying to go for a phdand if that didn’t work, he’d move somewhere to the middle east. I told him that a good rishta came for me(educated guy, decent job, lives abroad) and he said he really likes me and if Iwould give him a chance, I’d see that I made a good decision. He was kind of different today and said he really wants to be successful in life and will be, regardless of what I thinkabout it. He said it’s all about finding the right opportunity which he’s on the lookout for.
So bottom line, I have a potential rishta with a guy who checks off everything on a typical aunty’s list and he seems to be interested in me because he keeps wanting to talk. On the other hand, I have this guy who you all know the history about. I’m almost tempted to talk to mymom about this but I need to have a really good reason for why I would leavethis ‘good’ rishta for a guy who isn’t settled yet. Is that what this is all about? Am I really just looking for a guy who’s financially stable?
I wish I could pull an Angelina and just adopt a whole bunch of kids and not worry about this shaadi nonsense.
Re: Need some advice please!
Dude, just forget about that guy he is a loser. Focus on the new guy.
Move on and explore the new rishta. It’s easier said than done letting go of someone. Talking yo him won’t help. You will be even more torn. Stop all communication and get on with your life.
Re: Need some advice please!
Move on. It isn’t worth it.
Re: Need some advice please!
Is getting a Phd always a practical decision? Considering the amount of time (years) that will go into getting the degree…and while it does mean a higher salary, does it guarantee ample job opportunities? I guess maybe it depends on the subject area as well. Something to think about. Does he find his current degree to be insufficient both within and outside of Pakistan? Is it really the wisest idea?
Re: Need some advice please!
I think at this point, he just wants to get out of Pakistan and this is the easiest way.
After reading everyone’s replies, I know I’m just being dumb. I shouldn’t have called him. I need to move on and not go out of my way to find faults in this new rishta.
Re: Need some advice please!
You keep going back and forth between moving on from him and finding reasons to hold on to him. I wonder sometimes if you should just meet him and get it out of your system. You seem very attached to him and if your interactions continue with him even after getting hitched to someone else, it’ll be a problem.
Re: Need some advice please!
Well, if I proceed with the other rishta, I would definitely cut off all contact with this guy. I can’t mess with another persons feelings, especially since he genuinely seems interested in getting to know me (the new guy).
I do wish I could just meet him and get it out of my system, but it’s too late now. My mom would never agree unless I could give her a very compelling reason. If I really want to marry him, I have to be strong and defend my decision. Otherwise, I need to get him out of my head.
Re: Need some advice please!
The thing is, even with this new potential rishta in the works, you have someone else you are thinking about so it’s not fair for this guy either. I mean you aren’t completely over the guy from Pakistan to be looking to jump into marriage with some new guy. IF the Pakistani guy is serious about studying further and working on a job - you can talk to your parents at your own discretion and maybe meet him in person. But please remember that the internet and phone calls isn’t always what you see is what you get. You’ve never met him before, you don’t even know his family or how they are or if they will even approve of this relationship… plus your family doesn’t know that you guys chat. So really think about it. If this is going to be something that you will always regret then by all means meet him, see for yourself what kind of person he is. BUT make the decision now and stick to it. You need to figure all this out before you even think about getting into a relationship with someone else. You called him so obviously you are second guessing your decision and aren’t confident in it. You need to figure that out. I wouldn’t even consider marriage right now because it doesn’t seem like you can commit 100% to another guy right now.