I don’t think it’s the human resources itself…it’s the fact that he’s not doing anything with it. It’s the fact that it’s been almost 4 years since he finished his MBA and he’s done nothing after that! I like what amber19 said; it’s not even about marriage - what about taking care of his parents? He’s the eldest son and I honestly don’t know how he’s going to take care of them. At this rate, he probably can’t even live independently and take care of himself. I think I’m a very strong and independent person. I have a lot of achievements that I’m proud of and I want someone who knows what that’s like; someone who also has achievements that he’s proud of.
He was supposed to be a professional cricket player. That’s what he was being groomed for but an injury ruined his chances of ever playing professionally. When we first met, he said he’d been depressed for a long time but I made him happy and he wanted to do something with his life. I thought that was really sweet but I kept waiting for him to ‘do something’ and he never did. He was so hung up on the fact that he couldn’t play cricket and that all his friends went into engineering and got good jobs whereas he switched to HR and can’t find a decent job. He was always looking at what he didn’t have and the chances he missed and that can get depressing.
Anyways, I spoke to him a while ago and I basically said everything I’ve been discussing here and I asked him not to contact me again. He just said ok very quietly and we hung up. My heart hurts.
You know his story is very similar to mine, I was once like him too. I had nothing for myself and I used to go around looking for love and that “One” true love. Little did I know that I was mistaken, so like a fool I fell head long in Love. To one and only girl who I’ll ever love. She was really beautiful and really ambitious. She used to pray so much but in her prayers she would always ask for a house and a big house, and I used to say “Why don’t you ever ask Allah for himself”. She wouldn’t understand my logic and called me “Majnun”. I had nothing to show for myself, I was still in school then. A little late finishing my bachelors. She said “My parents will never accept you, you don’t even have a bachelors, what will I say to my parents”. And I used to think is this all we need in life a piece of paper that defines our life? Year after year, I fell more and more in Love with her. So much so that it consumed me from another level. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, we finally decided that we would marry. I guess she had convinced her heart to over look my carelessness towards this world. She asked me “Whom do you love more”. I said the one who created, she would ask “No you can’t love Allah”. I would say “I love him more than anything”. She would ask “Even me?” I would say “Yes”. But she knew deep down I loved her more than anyone in this entire universe. She always said “Go find a job somewhere, work, you need to make money go find a nice car”. I never cared for all of that. I guess I’ve always been like that. Material things don’t appeal to me. I though that human love would be different. I told her “Things would come, slowly but surely, they will be here”. I told her “We’ll grow rich together, we’ll create a life for ourselves in which we’ll be happy we’ll be rich”. She didn’t believe in me, she didn’t have faith. She said “What will people say?” Always worrying about what people would say. I told her I’ll protect you from everyone. I wont anything happen to you. But my love didn’t amount to anything. At that time it didn’t have any merit in the world of men. As Allah says “Alas’ you love this world. You are followers of illusion, the real world is the hearafter”. I would argue with Allah “But I love her, I want her”. A whisper would come in my heart, “You fool you can’t love illusions.” then Rumi would say “Who do you love more…” and I wouldn’t have anything to say to him… I would sulk more and more in books of sufis. I read them over and over. How can men let go of their desires, desires of a woman and waste their lives away. How can they eliminte such desires. I wouldn’t understand it. She wouldn’t understand it. I asked her to give me time… she said “no… I can’t see a future with you”. That day she broke my heart. For the very first time I cried so much so that I felt I might never return to my senses…
Time went on, I had my Bachelors, then came job then came car and money and all the things that she wanted. With it false status and marriage proposals. But she isn’t here. Nothing is same without her. But she wouldn’t even care to notice my condition. She’s happy, am I happy? I guess I wont even know… I feel the guy’s pain now, I only wish that he will find Solace in Love of Allah. Sorry for the weird post, I had to get it off of my chest.
Thank you for sharing that. Your post made me feel really sad and now, of course, I’m second guessing myself.
We had similar conversations…the same as you described:
Things would come, slowly but surely, they will be here". I told her “We’ll grow rich together, we’ll create a life for ourselves in which we’ll be happy we’ll be rich”. She didn’t believe in me, she didn’t have faith. She said “What will people say?” Always worrying about what people would say. I told her I’ll protect you from everyone. I wont anything happen to you. But my love didn’t amount to anything.
If you don’t mind me asking, how long did it take for you to become financially stable enough to get married? And did you ever marry someone else? Did you try contacting her again?
OP, to answer your question it will take your boyfriend exactamously 225 days, 17 hours, 29 minutes and 41 seconds to achieve the level of financial stability that you desire…although what’s a good level for Pakistan may not be a good enough level for where you live. He says he’ll “change” after marriage? Why has he set marriage as the condition for change? As in …“no shadi then no change.” What if he was a smoker or a drinker or a gambler or a fornicator…would he still say, “Oh I’ll quit my detrimental habit after I get married. I choose ONLY to see the light after marriage and prior that I’ll just keep my eyes closed thankyouverymuch.” Having a job…a halal job…a good job…will make things easier for his parents and siblings. Or does the security and well-being of his immediate family matter LESS than that of yours OP? Surely his parents worry about his lack of progress and a job…or I’m guessing they do…and is that not a red flag for him to feel more motivated for his long-distance girlfriend than his own family? Shouldn’t it be the other way around…where when you see that a guy does RIGHT by his family and supports them, then you’ll have faith that he will also have the ehsaas for his responsibilities as a husband in the future?
Ask yourself…do you TRULY TRULY respect him or do you just like how he makes you feel about yourself? Or do you feel some amount of contempt for him?
And McPendu, it kinda sounds like you’re giving a guilt trip. Dude, the equation between the OP and this guy is off. It’s not a healthy one. It kinda seems like she looks down on him, has some contempt for him. Is that a healthy foundation for a marriage? If this guy is jobless…then his first priority and motivation to get a good job should be for the people who live under the same roof as him…not some girlfriend on the other side of the world. He should be thinking, "I should first come through for my family…I should first fulfill the huqooq/rights of my family…Before contemplating fulfulling the rights of a wife. He should not be thinking, “I’ll change after marriage.” He should not be thinking “My change in character and willpower will depend on Op’s acceptance of my propsal.” He should be thinking I need to change for the better now…for the people in my life who are currently being affected by my unemployment MORE than my far-off girlfriend…as in my parents and siblings, etc etc. There are some key points of concern in this relationship equation that you are NOT looking at, Mcpendu. You’re looking at it from a more idealistic lens. A person is not enough for another human being. The closest that we come to receiving unconditional love is from our parents and even they cannot protect their children from the consequences of financial instability and a host of other things that can render them “baybass.” Pendu, you cannot protect someone from everything; you can’t…that’s a sweet thought but too idealistic.
Also OP, as you’ve been advised before…do istikhara. Once you make dua to Allah that He do what’s best for in terms of this relationship…the matter will be out of your hands cuz Allah will either bring it to a complete halt if it’s not good for you or He’ll make this rishta progress with ease. If you keep on asking people for input…you’ll get conflicting opinions and suggestions that will make you “superdooperconfused.” So, just turn to the One who has ALL control and power and wisdom and who KNOWS your boyfriends intentions and heart better than you…and who also KNOWS you better than you know yourself…and He’ll settle your affairs.
Do I truly truly respect him? I don’t think so.
Do I like how he makes me feel about myself? I don’t think that was ever a big thing. I think what’s bigger is that I love the idea of him and the idea of having someone to love, if that makes sense.
Do I feel some amount of contempt for him? To be honest, yes. I gave him my heart and I trusted him to take care of it but he didn’t. So yes, on some level, I’m angry.
And you’re right…what you said makes sense. I have to accept my decision and move on. There’s no point in dwelling in ‘maybe situations’.
I’ve done istikhara many times but I’ll do it again and this time, I’m going to stick to my decision and see where it takes me. Whatever is meant to happen, will happen.
So many dots RV… :D, She has already made a decision. I think she should stick with it. For better or for worse she shouldn’t contact him. He needs a little push to get up and become a billionaire at least at the very least. I kid But in all seriousness when there is a doubt then it’s like a splinter, not matter how much you try you can never really take it out. She’s better off marrying someone who’s financially stable and then falling in love with him. It’s a tried and tested method. Aunty approved. Should work fine.
If she has already made a decusion, to phir us pe qaaim rahay rather than dwelling on it further and looking for holes to second-guess herself. And if she’s not certain, do istikhara as opposed to muddling up your mind with conflicting opinions.
He needs a push just to have some ehsaas for his responsibilities toward his immediate family and that requires having a decent job; it need not be one that pays him in the billions. To become a billionaire he’ll need more than push, maybe a catapult. Baby steps for now.
Yeah I’m an Idealist, I always see things differently. You know who else was an Idealist? The man who looked at the moon and said that he would walk upon it and he did. Who else was an Idealist? The person who fell in the sea and sought to breathe in it. I guess I’m an Idealist. I dream bigger than just what’s on your W-2. But just how I am… I wasn’t trying to give a guilt trip, I was trying to have OP have a different view on this from the purely materialistic loveless approach everyone else was given. And I’ve explained it to her to stick to her decision. I shouldn’t have posted my side of the story.
Pendu, the man who made it to the moon couldn’t do it without money right? The love and passion was there…but it was not enough right? It served as a starting place and a drive to get all the resources needed to accomplish this dream , no? I am sorry if I offended you. I consider you a friend and you know that, so I don’t desire hurting you…not intentionally. We both have strong and opposing opinions on the matter. I don’t think the stance of others can be called “purely” or strictly materialistic and loveless. It is not so black and white. If this guy was filthy rich but a douchebag, most folks on here would not encourage marrying him. Why? Because it’s only about money or materialism. Love should not only be expressed through words but also actions. The people most deserving of that love is our parents…the ones who sacrificed so much for us from the day we were born …more so than any boyfriend or girlfriend. And if our love cannot fulfill the basic huqooq of our parents, then how can we be strong enough to fulfill the rights and responsibilities of any other relationship. It’s something to think about. If you want to remove materialism and totally focus on love…fine, let’s do that. If I focus on just the love, I have doubts about the sincere dedication in the love OP and this guy have for one another. That’s just my opinion based on my limited understanding. Allah knows best.
Ofcourse not RV I’m not offended and I respect everyone’s opinion here. I’m also not telling OP to marry a homeless person who has literally nothing to show for himself. OP said he has a masters degree, surely with that he can make at least something of himself, it’s not like he’s some uneducated Jahill gawar from some pindh. Ofcourse you need money to live. So did the people who went to the moon, but the I meant the idea of going to the moon was idealistic. Not the actual statistics of it. With an Idea man could chose to do the impossible. If for example we are saying that he can’t amount to anything then surely people scoffed at the idea of going to the moon as well.
OP lets end the discussion here, you know best what you have to do.
Thank you everyone for your input. RV and McPendo, you both make good points and it’s interesting to see such different perspectives. I’ve been trying to figure this out for 4 years and I’m tired of the situation. Today was the last time I spoke to him and whenever I’m feeling weak, I’m going to come back and read this thread and remember why I made the decision I made today!
Your post made me smile, bro. My husband was just like you but luckily I never cared for money or the materialistic world so I stayed. I did everything: graduate from college, get a good job, earn well, get a house and a nice car and all. Nothing really means much to me evento this day! Almost 11 years since the day I met him, we are as strong as a couple could be. I guess it comes down to compatibility.
Right, and the dude who walked on the moon went on to get an education and build a career. He didnt’ just wakeup one day and say I wanna walk on teh moon and do it the very next day. He had to do all that “materialistic” stuff that idealists don’t believe in
I just wanna know if any girl has fallen for this guilt tripped filled idealistic view?
Superconfused, you managed to complete a masters and secure a decent job. I know personal doesn’t always match professional but any way you could put those skills you learned professionally and apply them in your personal life?
He was just sharing his own experience and it takes courage to do so even if one doesn’t agree with it. But there are people who do agree. For instance, Theorist sees the point Pendu was making as she had a similar experience. He did clarify that he thinks OP should move on as he can see that she doesn’t respect him. Personally, I feel that while they both seem like nice individuals, they’re both at fault to an extent.
Just saw theorists post. Hey, like I said, nobody in this scenario is a bad person or undeserving of love, or deserves a lonely life…everyone deserves to be happy with their life partner.
But if you don’t wanna be with someone, you don’t want to be with them. End of story. People need to stop making others feel guilty for not wanting to marry someone they’re not excited about.
Sareh I feel that new york vibe coming off of you now I better hide :D. But I wasn’t trying to get her to feel guilty. I was trying to give others a different perspective on this. We don’t always get to hear the other side of the story properly. I felt that it was similar to what I went through. Everyone were throwing the dude under the bus for not working. It’s not always so Black and white. Times change and people change, it’s not always the same. But OP has made her decision and I support it. The dude needs a push and this is what’s going to knock him in to his senses.
Speaking from personal experience, reading this thread just caused some major flashbacks. All I can say is…DO NOT go ahead with this! Allah swt has much better plans for you. Marriage doesn’t happen by a process of elimination and out of the fear that you won’t find someone else. That is the worst beginning to any relationship. You should be confident in your decision. I hope for your sake that you absolutely don’t go through with this because you will be signing up for life-long misery! You have worked hard and you deserve to be with someone who knows that value of that because he worked just as hard himself to get there and will not be mooching off of you. No matter how shareef! May Allah swt guide you to the best path! Ameen!
I kid But in all seriousness when there is a doubt then it’s like a splinter, not matter how much you try you can never really take it out. She’s better off marrying someone who’s financially stable and then falling in love with him. It’s a tried and tested method. Aunty approved. Should work fine.