This is a bit of a saga but I’ll try to keep it short andgive you the main points as succinctly as possible.
About 4 years ago, I met a guy online. He was studying abroad and I was in theMiddle East. We really hit it off buteventually, it ended (another long story…). In a nutshell, what’s been happening for thepast 4 years is that every few months, he’ll contact me and try to start thingsagain (I also contacted him 2 or 3 times). We’ve tried to meet several times but things just don’t seem to workout.
He wants our mothers to talk so we can get married but here’s the problem: I feel likeI’ve made a lot of progress in my life in the past 4 years whereas he seems tobe going backwards. I moved to NorthAmerica, finished grad school, got a good job, just bought a new car and am nowseriously saving for a house. He movedback to Pakistan after grad school and has been unemployed/in entry-level jobs ever since. The last time we spoke, hesaid why don’t we get married and I can sponsor him. I said no because he’s being lazy and if he wants to come, he needs to figure out a way to do it himself. He accused me of being arrogant and we endedhaving a huge fight.
I don’t know why we keep coming back to each other but forsome reason, we do. I know one of thethings about him that I really like is his ‘shareef-ness’. He’s always so polite and gentlemanly. I’ve talked to many guys over the years forpotential rishtas and guys can be real jerks. Plus, I guess he’s loyal if he keeps comingback. What I don’t like is his education(human resources) because he just can’t seem to find a decentjob. I also don’t like the way he doesn’tseem to be motivated to do much with his life. I’m very ambitious and he’s very relaxed about life. He thinks any choti si job is fine but that’s not ok with me.
I’m almost 30 and everyone I went to high school with is nowmarried so I’m really feeling the pressure. Sometimes I think I should just marry him; at least I’ll be with someone who really likes me but then I thinkabout the lifestyle I’m used to and I don’t know if I can let it go (don’t meanto sound arrogant but I want to be completely honest). Money comes and goes but how often do youfind a guy who chases you for 4 years? Or is there something strange about that in itself? I don’t want to sponsor him because what if he doesn’t try hard enough to find a job and I end up supporting us?
If he stays away from you for a long period of time and then gets in touch with you every few months....how can that be called "chasing"....hmm? Chasing is more consistent and frequent. Reaching out to you after a disappearance of "every few months" don't seem like "chasing" to me......nor is it all that flattering...it seems wishy-washy. You listed only one thing you like about him: his shareef-ness. You listed more things about him that you're not content with. Allah knows best if he's using you as a ticket t to the US.....but if YOU get the vibe you're being taken advantage of.....then how exactly is that considered "shareef".....? If anything, it negates that quality. So, that leaves behind only the chasing which doesn't sound much like chasing.
I don't know if getting back in touch with him every now and then is some cosmic sign. Perhaps it is. Or perhaps it's because you both don't have any other alternatives and come back to one another....even though you're not all that crazy about him.
People marry those who they feel would benefit them or enhance their lives. A mutual enhancement. So, if you felt that he was hardworking and responsible and motivated....then it's okay to sponsor him to the US. He benefits from such an opportunity, but you also benefit from his dedication. But since you believe that he's a slacker....and you already don't have much respect for his line of profession....then what are you holding on to, OP?
@redvelvet: I guess I think of it as chasing because I usually end things but then he comes back. He says that I’m too picky and that I might end up having an arranged marriage to some guy who’s exactly like him so I should marry him because at least I know he really likes me. I’m not sure if he’s trying to take advantage of me since when we first me, he lived abroad, not me and he wanted to get married back then.
I’m not really sure what I’m holding on to…there’s just something about him but you’re right about marriage being mutually beneficial and in this case, I feel he would gain much more than me. If he could get a decent job and do something with his life, I think I would marry him but the fact that he can’t seem to do anything substantial in life is scary.
Thank you! I really needed to hear that and I realize that this has to stop.
Probably not (now I feel really dumb). But I always end up second guessing myself because it stresses me out that all my friends from school are married and I'm still single. Maybe I'm being too picky. The older I get, the more set I feel with my way of doing things and sometimes I feel like I should just do it and see what happens. Sorry....I'm not really sure where I'm going with this....
Don't second guess yourself. Think long and hard before deciding and then stick to it.
In this case, there are red flags as you see (and rightly so!) so decide once and stick to it. You going back and forth makes you look weak and confuses you.
Don't marry (him or anyone else) just because everyone else is married...this would be a huge disfavour to yourself.
No need to feel dumb. There's nobody on this forum...even among the advisers who hasn't made mistakes in relationships or hasn't felt confused and conflicted. What you're going through is neither new nor unusual. Emotions can be complicated to sort through. And my stance is just one opinion; other members may have a different view. Ultimately if this guy is in your qismat you'll end up with him. Perhaps you'll get some direction if you talked to him about your concerns.
@anya: You're so right. I have to make a decision and stick to it. Every time I talk to him, it confuses both him and me. I totally agree with what both of you have said so far. The rational part of me says you're right but then the dumb emotional part of me thinks exactly what redvelvet said: if he's in my qismt, I'll end up with him so I might as well keep that option open (which now sounds mean when I think about it). You shouldn't marry someone just because you're afraid you can't do any better; that's unfair to both sides.
This is very helpful. Thank you kind internet strangers :)
If you are depending upon a husband to fullfill your ambitions then he is not for you. If you need support to fullfill your ambitions, he "might" be a blessing in disguise, could act as ur sidekick. Since most husbands will like to pay full attention to their own career rather than their wife's career.
@anya: but then the dumb emotional part of me thinks exactly what redvelvet said: if he's in my qismt, I'll end up with him so I might as well keep that option open (which now sounds mean when I think about it).
Um, okay hold up. That reads as an odd and kinda offensive statement. There's nothing "dumb" about thinking that if something....anything for that matter....(a person, job, house, an opportunity) ...is in one's qismat, they'll get it, if not then they won't. Destiny does exist. The advantage of keeping this point in mind is that it can help prevent one from getting too attached to something and from waiting for only one specific outcome and not considering other options.
you have really low standards from what you say (you think this guy is loyal and shareef bwahahah). so why not pick a guy from around where you are instead of all this complicated international gymnastics? you marry this guy, your next decade in life is done for.
Being 30 doesn’t mean you are ancient; just do not consider the guy because everybody around you is married and living some life…yeah, I am telling some because I got married at 29 and I wish I had waited some more…my friends have kids going to school
Shareef-ness will all be thrown out of the window once he gets a confirmed ticket to US…If I was single (I am a girl), I would have asked you to adopt me so I could be your friend and companion - to get to USA:hehe:.. Joking apart, only words don’t make an option.
Moreover, Canada has still the option to migrate on your own so he wants the most easiest way to get to easy life - through you…so, please think rationally…ask him to come on his own if he wants to marry - then see his colours change.
Career is important to any person, one who doesn’t have a drive then getting along in life will become more difficult as your responsibilities increase as you get older. Ambition and career goals are important in this day and age… I used to work and was happy - one of the reasons why I did get married to a working family. But, due to some situations I quit, being at home is making me agitated and I can’t wait to get another job soon - what I am trying to tell is - I had drive, I was ambitious, but I got lazy, quit my job…thought hub will support me, its not the same, just not the same
OP, you're lucky that you have done so well in life. Good for you.
What you should do is value your accomplishments and focus on your life...ignore the pressure to get married. Why? Because once you're married, you'll be pressured to have a baby. Once you have a baby, you'll be pressured to have two because let's face it one will be lonely and blah blah blah blah. The societal expectations and pressures will never cease so I'd suggest you ignore them to the best of your abilities.
What I would do is end it with this guy...for good. If you wanted him, you'd have gotten him. You're not interested in him...you're interested in the "married" status...and I don't blame you for it one bit.
My suggestion is...start dating, travel, get involved in some community projects and meet someone you like that way.
@Iconoclast: I don’t think I’m depending on my husband tofulfill my ambitions. I guess I meant tosay that I’m hardworking and like making progress in life while he doesn’treally care about it. He doesn’t seem tobe interested in building a career.
@redvelvet: I’m really sorry….I didn’t mean to belittle whatyou said. I absolutely believe inqismat. What I meant to say was that the rational part of me knows what I need to do but then I get emotional every timehe contacts me and I think maybe this is it for me.
@queer: I’m embarrassed and I know I need to put a stop tothe ‘complicated international gymnastics’ but I guess I needed a push in theright direction which is why I posted here.
@adeeba: thank you!! You really hit the nail on the head and gave me a lot to thinkabout. If he really wants to do this, heshould figure out a solution and not just depend on me to fix hisproblems. Because he doesn’t have thedrive to do anything, I doubt he would actually figure something out on his own.
Ok everyone, problem solved. The next time he contacts me, he absolutely won’t be getting an answer!
You cant fool yourself. You either like him enough to make him your life partner or you dont like him enough to do so and in both cases it happens with all the positives and negatives he has.
You have to decide if you can accept him with his positives and negatives. To many people, being content in your life is the biggest positive and to some, that's negative. This is sort of endless discussion.
Hey either use brain or heart . . . why are you mixing both ??? . . . if you are in love , then don't think about consequences, go nuts . . . if not , then just move on .
First of all, it seems like you both know you want different things but keep going back to one another because you can't seem to find anyone else. Or maybe you just aren't seriously looking?
Yes you've accomplished a lot in the past 4 years and there's nothing wrong with wanting to have a partner who values hard work like you do.
I think the fact that he keeps "disappearing" for months and coming back is a sign that you guys can do without each other and it'll be just fine.
This same situation happened to a friend of mine, she was in law school, her at that time bf wasn't working or anything but as soon as she got busy with her
studies and life, he changed his ways to not lose her. He actually managed to get a lot of things accomplished and they got married a few years ago. But this guy isn't making any effort to show you that he takes your insecurities seriously. And we all know that once you immigrate to Canada/US, it's basically like starting from zero and learning how to navigate in that part of the world. If he's not keen on doing anything in Pakistan it could be one of 2 things; 1. He's counting on you to get him out of there so he doesn't feel the need to do anything at the moment; or 2. He really does lack any type of ambition, and is just the way he is... but that won't change if you do marry and sponsor him. So if you are ready to live with that then only consider him as a potential partner.
Thank you amber19. These are all things that I've thought of and I know the wise thing to do is to finish this once and for all. I guess it's been difficult because I still remember that initial spark. He message me a few days ago, said he missed me more than ever. I didn't reply. I think the best thing to do at this point is to ignore him.
These are all things that I've thought of and I know the wise thing to do is to finish this once and for all. I guess it's been difficult because I still remember that initial spark. He message me a few days ago, said he missed me more than ever. I didn't reply. I think the best thing to do at this point is to ignore him.
Yep…..at 30, you don't have time to waste on a guy like this. Put your time and energy/focus into finding a guy who is mature and ready to take on the responsibility of being a husband/father.
I wish I had waited some more…my friends have kids going to school 