Yes, you are being dumb. You should have deleted his phone number and other contact information the very first time you wrote here saying that you would forget about him. But hey its your life so if you want to make stupid decisions based on your emotions while another rishta, who could be your perfect match, goes away…who are we to stop you. This guy in Pakistan had 4 YEARS to do something…and now he wants more time.
BTW, this new rishta who is educated, has a job, already lives abroad etc. etc…have you even bothered to meet him or talk to him on phone just to see if there is any chemistry?
Yes, I skyped with him a few times and he’s really nice and interested in me. There’s no chemistry but maybe it’s time to be sensible and just marry a decent guy. Who says there have to be sparks? The only major problem is that he lives in a different country and wants me to move of course. Otherwise there’s no logical reason for me to say no. Love is supposed to come after marriage, not before right?
Love should hopefully develop after marriage cuz it’s only until then that you’ll know what the other person is truly like. But there’s nothing wrong in feeling attraction/chemistry prior to marriage. Seems like a “move to another country” is inevitable regardless of which guy you marry. If you marry this rishta, you’d have to move for him. If you marry the guy you’ve been chatting to, he’d have to move for you. Have you been doing istikhara…regularly…not sporadically? If not, then that’s one thing you should start doing and keep it up until a final decision is reached. Consider talking to your parents about this guy that you like, maybe their input or perhaps a phone conversation between his parents and yours might give everyone (especially you) some direction. If you can afford going to Pakistan and have the time to do so, then go…(if matters culminate in this decision).. The trip to Pakistan does not have to be solely about this guy, it can include meeting your relatives amongst other things. Maybe you feel overwhelmed about having to reach a decision on your own…so how about opening up to your parents? Maybe you’ll feel lighter and they can think seriously about this situation.
Well before you have another conversation with him, make up your mind as to whether or not you’re willing to move to his country.
I dated my husband for several years before we got married. When he asked me out on a date the very first time…and on our first date, there were no “sparks”. But I did not think he was ugly (I didn’t think he was super hot either), he was educated with a bright future, and we got along. I thought he was really nice and that’s why I agreed to go on a 2nd date and so on. Slowly over time…love came. But in the beginning it was all about mutual respect and compatibility. I could see myself being happy living with him and I believe he would make a good father/husband. Now that we’ve been married a few years, I can’t imagine being married to anyone else. My choice to date him was sensible, and after a few years…by the time we got engaged, love came.
So yes, I don’t think sparks need to fly or there has to be “love” right at the beginning. If his looks are acceptable to you, he has a stable career, if both of you agree on what you envision a marriage to be etc…if all those boring/sensible things match up…then yes you should go for it. And by “going for it”…right now I think you should push things to have a face-to-face meeting with THIS guy as opposed to the one in Pakistan.
BTW, if you talk to any divorce lawyer or therapist…they will tell you that marriages don’t go down the hill b/c of lack of “love”. Things go south when there is a lack of respect, lack of compatibility, and lack of mutual agreement when it comes to major life decisions. Oh and lack of money is a MAJOR stressor when it comes to a marriage.
Yes, I’ve been doing istikhara regularly. I’m a firm believer that whatever happens isgood for us, even if we can’t see it right away. My mom knows about the guy – I’ve kept her inthe loop since day 1 but she thought we stopped talking recently. She doesn’t know that we still talk on andoff. He called me again this morning andpractically begged me to talk to my mom. He said his mom is ready to talk to my mom whenever I want. He explained a bit more about the business heinvested in (and he’s working there) and he recently interviewed for a job inthe Middle East. With this new rishta,it’s a fairly affluent family and they want to send the guy where I am to meetme but with the old guy, we’d have to go to Pakistan. I don’t really think it’s a big deal but theoverall package of the new rishta is quite attractive: prays 5 times a day, educatedguy, stable career and rich family. Withthe old guy: prays sometimes, educated, not extremely stable yet and family isjust your average, middle-class family. The only problem is that I know if I don’t meet him, I’ll alwayswonder. I’m terrified of talking to mymom – I really don’t know how she’ll react.
As an outsider you would be stupid to not explore the other rishta. Marriage is no bed of roses and this new guy checking the religion, job, family boxes makes it even more worth while exploring. My two cents after being in a similar situation as you is to think rationally and not emotionally.
Don’t let this rishta go for another guy that is desperate to win you over to more than likely come abroad. Picture yourself 5 years from now. I think the new rishta is where I’d wanna be.
The rest is up to you. May Allah set guide you towards whatever is best for you.