Need help to save my engagement :(

[bigdaddy]

Put yourself in his shoes. The boy fails an exam and you are contemplating leaving him. Its pretty sad. If the tables were turned, you would want the support of the ones around you instead of looking for the door.

Have the courage to call a spade a spade. If your parents only agreed to marriage because he would have a degree from certain school and on the condition that you would live in a certain country then that is everything that is unholy and wrong about desi marriages these days. Setting materialistic expectations and demands.

I used to make fun of white folks - the day someone became jobless, the wife would take the B-line out the door very next day. I guess thats now true for desi girls too. whoopie.

Excuse me? I think those are slightly harsh and judgemental words considering you dont even know me. If you have no sincere advice to give then please do not make pointless remarks like that.

If I was such a goldigger then why am I still happy to do the rishta? and he is still a student and not earning? In case you dont know, in Islam the husband has to be able to provide for his wife and there is nothing wrong in asking for him to finish his studies and then concentrate on shaadi instead of juggling it all at once.

its not a demand that he live in canada, but it is what my parents agreed on. They dont want me to waste my education and hard work by sitting at home and being a gossipy, star - tv watching, beauty parlour obsessed housewife. And, my fiance has always said he wanted a career oriented wife.

I really think you should keep your "advice" and comments to yourself.

[wonder_eyed]

i have done the exact degree that your fiance wants to pursue..and let me tell you that the 1st year of LLB is the easiest as compared to the exams in the next 2 years..and they are very very tough!!some of my classmates would flunk one or two subjects, and instead of completing their law degree in 3 years,,they did it in 5 years!soo...if he has the ability to really perform well second time round...then you should support him!:)

all the best!

[zxcvb]

Re: Need help to save my engagement :(

Listen...why should you the only one who has to make sacrifices and compromises....what if he goes to pakistan and fails there too? Why is he so insecure that he can't allow you to have a successful career?
What if after a couple years in pakistan...he decides to live there permanent?

Take a break from him....there are plenty of other more successful guys in U.K and Canada.

[Stardust09]

Stardust ... complications are also considered a real test of someones determination ... agar tumhara fiance abhi he say iss tarha ka attitude dikha raha hai .. and talking about you working only as a teacher if you both go to pakistan ... then i would personally also feel not good about it and try to get rid of it .... usko perwah nahi to why are behaving like this? besides ... ye kya baat hui k he doesnt want to marry someone jo uski qualification k peechay pera ho? he FAILED his exams ... and he wants to move to pakistan .... is he incapable of facing hardships? and do you want such a husband? he just sounds like a real insecure man to me ... you can also say to him that you want a husband who is fully capable of taking care of you .. and its not about whether he is already a lawyer or not ... its about what signs he is already showing of success! my parents always say k is say koi farq nahi perta k abhi banday k paas kya hai aur kya nahi ... farq iss say perta hai k how much determination and progress he is showing in his work to make his future secure for himself and his family .... kyun is sab say ziada zururi hai k banday ki personality kaisi hai ... and i understand by what you mean k you dont want to be single anymore ... but darling believe me .. single is way better than a screwed up relationship ... listen to what your parents are saying ... look at the situation from a 3rd party perspective ... not from your own nucleus and not just from your heart! use your brain and make a wise decision ... itna asaan b nahi hai is tarha uth k pakistan ja k rehna 3 ya whatever many years! fail hota rahay ga to kya karo gi ... 3 saal baad you'd be like kahan phas gayi !!! you also work on your career ... ussay kaho jayay khud pakistan ... parhay .. aur yahan tum apna career thik karo ... aur jab wo wapis aa jayayga ... to shadi ker leingay! ... you dont want his degree! but you want security! and finance is part of it! and you cant ignore the fact k professional careers depend on degrees and networking!

thanks Farrah
Yea, I was so shocked when he said that I was not going to work in Pakistan or only teach! but then I think he was just overreacting because of his results so he wanted to take his angry emotions out on me (which is fine because I do that with him all the time and he just takes it). Also, I think he is not quite aware of how much Pakistan has progressed and since he has not lived in Pakistan before he is just thinks its the norm for women to just sit at home. NOT TRUE! Pakistani women are actively seeking careers and are even doing better than the boys in terms of exam results.

the thing is he failed two of his exams, and missed the pass mark by two marks! So thats what has got him really down.

Your parents are exactly like mine. I thought they wouldnt get along but when I introduced him to my parents they just loved his personality! and his family! I mean thats why they said yes varna aik berozgar ko to koi bhi rishta nahin deta. But my parents saw potential and determination in him. His dad is a very successful businessman so he could have easily just gone and worked for him but he wont. He wants to stand up on his own two feet and I really respect him for it.

But your right about him failing dubara next year and the year after that...what then? so my parents said they would wait and see until next year and do the wedding next december (i was meant to have my Nikah this Dec). Now my parents are being precautious. In the meantime, I am InshAllah going to start my Masters in Law next September and then pursue a PhD if it is written for me. I told him this today and he was fine with it. He doesnt have a prob with me pursuing a career/work in the west, just not in pakistan.

Thanks for all your helpful advice :)

[Stardust09]

I think this is the most important part of your post. You don't want to break up with him, so you need to make it work.

First you need to decide that if push comes to shove, who's career takes precedence? If it's his and he has good reason to want to complete his studies in Pak, then you should probably think about going there. 3 years might seem like a really long time but it isn't and I'm sure you can find a good teaching job in a private school teaching A level. However, bearing in mind that it is only 3 years, what's so wrong in getting married and continuing to live in different countries? You don't need to delay the marriage. Me and my hubby are doing this currently. I know other professional couples who have had to do this in the early days too. And what about all the guys that come here on work visa's and can't bring their wives over straight away?

But to begin with you/your family need to talk to him properly and establish why he feels he needs to go back to Pakistan to obtain the degree and why he has changed his mind about Canada. Can he not be convinced? Put it to him that you can both be more successful in moving to Canada, so why is that not his first choice? Does he not think your work/study is also important?

If he's still not budging then you need to decide if you still really want to be with him. If the answer is yes, then you can suggest the first points I mentioned with the last resort just accepting to go there for the 3 years.

Marriage is about compromise. You need to decide if you can start compromising before you're even his wife (in the case that he can't be persuaded to consider your wishes also at this stage). And if it's you doing the compromising now, it will likely remain that way. It's something you need to make peace with and accept and if you can't, then he's not the right guy for you.

Thanks stoppit

I spoke to him today about me starting a masters next year and living seperately whilst we are married and he is happy about it. So he starts first year this sept, then we get married next summer in Pak, I come back to england and start my masters whilst he starts second year, and then when I complete my masters, he goes into third year and I join him in Pakistan. InshAllah. He agreed with me. Besides, he always wanted me to continue my education and do a PhD (InshAllah!).

He spoke to my mom today and said that pakistan is only a temporary thing. He will move back to canada as soon as he finishes his studies and then find work and I can work/study as well. I just don't want to start having babies from the word 'go!' so its better that we live seperately whilst he studies and then take it from there.

I know marriage is about compromise - my mom has hammered that into my head a million times and I accept that most of the time the woman compromises. However, with time, he will respect it more and if he doesn't....well i just won't cook for him... :P

thanks for all your helpful advice and I wish you the best of luck with your married life and career! May Allah keep you happy. Ameen.

[Stardust09]

Re: Need help to save my engagement :(

Marriage is about compromise. You need to decide if you can start compromising before you're even his wife (in the case that he can't be persuaded to consider your wishes also at this stage). And if it's you doing the compromising now, it will likely remain that way. It's something you need to make peace with and accept and if you can't, then he's not the right guy for you.

That is really good advice...

I think he is the right guy for me but he is a slow burner whereas I pick up things immediately. So I make up for what he doesn't have and vice versa. At the end of the day, I know he will always look after me and my family and to me that is the most important thing at the end of the day.

[zobia]

Re: Need help to save my engagement :(

if you only want to save it cuz u dont wana be single any more than its really not a valid reasoning.

i dont see any connection between u guys. he is also doesn't seem any interested in you, because if is than lying is not hard for the lawyers.

ps. there are more ppl living in pakistan than in Canada and UK.

ps2. Teaching is considered one of the most respectable career.

ps3. your life will be easier in Pakistan as a working wife than here in Canada or in UK, because you can easily get maids on low wages (in comparison to Canada or UK).

ps4. its will be only couple of years, cuz guys have more problems in adgusting than women.

[Stardust09]

@fasaadi

^errr what? it has nothing to do with money her parents just aren’t comfortable with her moving to Pakistan.

stardust, are you comfortable with the idea of being in pakistan permanently? I mean sometimes we make certain plans and things don’t pan out that way…it can be hard coming back to the US, UK or Canada.

Also dont let him tell you that your only option is to teach…I’m sure there is more out there than just teaching jobs for women with your qualifications.

cheers fasaadi,

oh i wouldnt be moving to pakistan permanently, i would be there for three years only. Also, I lived in Islamabad for three years when I was younger so i am aware of what the lifestyle is like there. My parents take us back to Pakistan every other year so I am in touch with my roots Alhumdulilah. For me, its just the not being able to work gig that got me all panicky. He said I can study all I want there and even offered that I could study in the same institution as him (hmmm - good idea - i can see what he gets up to )

I just cant sit at home watching TV all day and shouting at nokars - my God it would go against everything I’ve learnt in life.

Yea, there are lots of good jobs there and Iam thinking of applying to law firms/government insitutions/embassies but at the moment my parents are taking things really slowly now. InshAllah, lets see what happens.

Thanks for all your good advice.

[Stardust09]

also, does he not have a previous education? he's almost 30? what has he been doing all this time?

He has another degree in politics from a canadian uni. However, five years back his younger brother died in a tragic motorbike accident so he wasnt able to get on track with education/career.

So you can imagine how doubly upset he was at seeing that he failed, aur woh bhi 2 marks saye!

[Deeba1234]

First of all he told you and your parents that he will be living in Canada and now he wants to live in Pakistan and your family is not very keen.

Then he does not want you to work other than teaching.

Then he thinks that you should marry him unconditionally and support him in whatever choices he makes.

You have to decide what is more important for you, being with him at the cost of accepting his demands or not compromising on your wishes. Seems like you don't really understand him well enough. Seems like you are the one that has to do all the compromising in this relationship, are you able to do that? If you have to do all the compromising then is it true love on his part?

Totally agree.

To the ppl who think marrying someone 'stable' is being a gold-digger, don't the men who have degrees and good jobs usually only go for well educated (or just plain beautiful) girls who usually have the potential to earn in the future as well? **

Both** sides are looking for specific traits (usually the boys side are wayyy fussier when it comes to this). U don't often hear of boys families saying they don't want a girl with a law/medicine degree either, do u>

[Stardust09]

@NJMasti

stardust09: Your concerns are definitely worrisome

How old are you? It seems to me that you are probably around 26-28. Am I correct?

Your post is absolutely thoughtful and mature and I can understand how it can make you worried.

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bigdaddyyyy - a big smack just phor you when someone is seriously questioning their fate/future you don’t “generalize” that person as a gold-digger without knowing the situation.

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back to startdust … I think you should go with your gut feelings. You seem like you are giving him chance/opportunity to “settle” down, but it’s still not okay because of his “age”. We all expect to be somewhere at a certain point in life and sometimes things do not work out the way we want it to.

So carry on further with your decision to find out if he is hard working guy or not? If he is - then it’s WORTH the wait! Sometimes guys NEED all OUR support. So be by his side if he is a hard working guy.

(If he failed or scored lower in any of his exams - then it might not be for him. Help him decide to work out in a different profession. If he is approaching 30 - then he is anxious himself for not getting where the rest of his “buddies would be professional wise”.

It’s your call. Go with your gut feelings. You know what would be the best for you in this situation!

Yea your right, sometimes the guys do need our support. Believe me, he is a very sensible and educated person bus thora exam technique maye he let himself down.

my gut feeling is all weirded out! I hate indecision!

[zobia]

He has another degree in politics from a canadian uni. However, five years back his younger brother died in a tragic motorbike accident so he wasnt able to get on track with education/career.

So you can imagine how doubly upset he was at seeing that he failed, aur woh bhi 2 marks saye!

which canadian uni did he get his pol-sci degree from?

[Mehnaz]

Re: Need help to save my engagement :(

If you don't mind living in Pakistan, then I guess it's alright. Your issue sounds like you just don't want to be sitting at home (or teaching). He should be flexible considering you would be moving there for him. Apply for jobs, you will get one with your education.

[Milly]

Re: Need help to save my engagement :(

I love the way a career in 'Teaching' is considered the only option feasible for a woman working in Pakistan. Nice.

[arshad5]

Totally agree.

To the ppl who think marrying someone 'stable' is being a gold-digger, don't the men who have degrees and good jobs usually only go for well educated (or just plain beautiful) girls who usually have the potential to earn in the future as well?

Both sides are looking for specific traits (usually the boys side are wayyy fussier when it comes to this). U don't often hear of boys families saying they don't want a girl with a law/medicine degree either, do u>

Yes I would be looking for an educated girl that was also beautiful, but no I would not be looking at her earning potential. In fact I would prefer if she didn't work.

[NJMasti]

@arshad5

Yes I would be looking for an educated girl that was also beautiful, but no I would not be looking at her earning potential. In fact I would prefer if she didn’t work.

^very nice! I like this response! A lot!

okay that was not for real -

---

Evey one looks for some qualities that helps THEM in return. For you it maybe that you have good residual income and need a companion who also can take care of you domestic needs - such as housework. So in the end we all look for some traits that can “compliment” us and our career!

[farrah]

Re: Need help to save my engagement :(

stardust ... dont be hasty with marriage ... patience is virtue ... if he is good and you trust him, and your parents saw something good in him ... then he will shine through ... and he should also not worry then ... about waiting ...
pakistan has improved a LOT in matters of girls being career-oriented ... but your line of work is a tricky one ... and it's still difficult to grow in it over there unless you start from a good high post or you know the right people ... and your fiance is right in this sense for not letting you work in the bank ...
i dearly and honestly suggest ... wait for a year ... see what comes out of it ... no rushy rushy ... parents always think for the best of their children ... and your are doing the same right now ... if you think your parents made a good choice in accepting the boy you brought to them in the beginning and found him good enough to be your husband ... then trust them with this choice too ...
waiting a year will not risk or ruin anything ... but not waiting might GODFORBID bring about unwanted things ... precaution is always better

as for arshad5 bhai ... if he doesnt see how the world is progressing and where it is going ... and what are the needs of the time ... then nothing but goodluck to him!

[arshad5]

Re: Need help to save my engagement :(

I do see the way the world is progressing and where it is going. I assume that your above comment is in regards to my comment that I would prefer for my wife not to work. The reason for this is pretty simple. I thinking spending time with children and investing in their upbring is of more importance than earning $30,000 to $40,000 net dollars a year. If she felt that she still needed to do more then I would prefer for her to get a hobby....do some painting or do some voluntary work or even do some part-time work. I don't see anything wrong with my priorities. Money is not everything.

[snowy_winter]

I do see the way the world is progressing and where it is going. I assume that your above comment is in regards to my comment that I would prefer for my wife not to work. The reason for this is pretty simple. I thinking spending time with children and investing in their upbring is of more importance than earning $30,000 to $40,000 net dollars a year. If she felt that she still needed to do more then I would prefer for her to get a hobby....do some painting or do some voluntary work or even do some part-time work. I don't see anything wrong with my priorities. Money is not everything.

First of all, I totally agree with you. But I think its not the money that the "enlightened" women are after. Its the "liberty" to do whatever they want including late night dinners, socializing unnecessarily with men as "the job requires it" and stuff like that. I am quite sick of when women speak of housewives in a demeaning manner. Personally I think that taking care of the house and giving a good upbringing of children is a far more significant contribution than earning a couple of bucks at the cost of the home and the children. However, these things are more pretinent from the aspect of a woman working in pakistan where I know exactly why the seths of the companies hire women. Its more like a few woman vs lots of men in the office and every pervert is hitting on them day and night.

Besides, call me backwards or whatever, but the prospect of leaving kids to naukars so that the begum sahab can go work in a preverted environment to earn a few bucks is not exactly appealing to me.

[stoppit]

Re: Need help to save my engagement :(

^what the hell.