Need help to save my engagement :(

Lifestyle Relationships
1

My fiance is a law student who is starting at the very bottom in terms of studies. He told my parents that we would live in canada where he would study and I would work as a lawyer. they said yes to him on this basis.

However, he didnt pass his first year exams (he is doing an external LLB degree from Uni of London in England). he is now saying he wants to move to pakistan and stay there for three years and study from a pakistani institute in islamabad which teaches the external LLB. but now my parents are feeling squemish. they dont want to send me to pakistan and are quite annoyed that he is saying this.

they have been discussing saying no to the boy’s family. I live in england, and dont know what to do because I was mentally prepared to move to canada and to start working as a lawyer/studying further. I dont mind living in pakistan as long as I can work/study but my fiance is saying I cant work in a bank or other institution, I can only teach. Also, I asked him to finish his studies and then marry but he says that he is approaching 30 and says that he wouldnt want to marry someone that was only with him for his qualifications.

He is now all depressed and the mood at home is sombre. I keep crying because I really can’t be single anymore (cuz I hate it!) and I cant imagine marrying someone else, but he is starting to become difficult and upset. He now keeps saying ‘if it happens, it happens, if it doesn’t then I don’t care’.

I really dont know what to do and am upset all the time. I keep looking for jobs here or to study here to keep my mind occupied but I really can’t stand living in the UK anymore and still consider him to be a nice enough individual. My mum is like ‘I just want to tell them no!’ and then says ‘give it time’.

Any suggestions? (please sensible ones only) :frowning:

2

Re: Need help to save my engagement :(

Do an istakhara with the niyaat that you want to marry him and you'll get a pretty good idea of what to expect if you do go ahead and marry him. IMHO, istakhara is exactly meant for stuff like this, when you need some divine help to make the right choice.

PS: I can already feel the feminists read to pounce, declare the guy a looser and talk you into "you can do so much better" stuff. Go for istakhara IMHO.

Pakistani Sense of Humour
3

You are a gold digger my friend. Its one thing to ask for your future mate to be educated. Its another to demand education of certain kind and lay demands like living in certain countries from the beginning. Whatever happened to living through thick and thin.

On second thought he is probably MUCH better off without you and your family. So please go on and quit now.

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Re: Need help to save my engagement :(

well does it matter if you live in canada or pakistan and i am sure he can transfer into a different uni to study the same degree when are you planning to get married? annd even if he has a law degree it wont automatically make him a lawyer he will need go through all the training processes etc and do u love this guy because if u do then u should stick by him ....

5

Excuse me? I think those are slightly harsh and judgemental words considering you dont even know me. If you have no sincere advice to give then please do not make pointless remarks like that.

If I was such a goldigger then why am I still happy to do the rishta? and he is still a student and not earning? In case you dont know, in Islam the husband has to be able to provide for his wife and there is nothing wrong in asking for him to finish his studies and then concentrate on shaadi instead of juggling it all at once.

its not a demand that he live in canada, but it is what my parents agreed on. They dont want me to waste my education and hard work by sitting at home and being a gossipy, star - tv watching, beauty parlour obsessed housewife. And, my fiance has always said he wanted a career oriented wife.

I really think you should keep your "advice" and comments to yourself.

tAlkhIAn
6

thanks snowy_winter, thats a really good idea. Yesterday I was looking at the Istikhara namaz and how to perform it. I will InshAllah try it now.

Thanks for your suggestion.

7

Re: Need help to save my engagement :(

Stardust ... complications are also considered a real test of someones determination ... agar tumhara fiance abhi he say iss tarha ka attitude dikha raha hai .. and talking about you working only as a teacher if you both go to pakistan ... then i would personally also feel not good about it and try to get rid of it .... usko perwah nahi to why are behaving like this?
besides ... ye kya baat hui k he doesnt want to marry someone jo uski qualification k peechay pera ho? he FAILED his exams ... and he wants to move to pakistan .... is he incapable of facing hardships? and do you want such a husband? he just sounds like a real insecure man to me ... you can also say to him that you want a husband who is fully capable of taking care of you .. and its not about whether he is already a lawyer or not ... its about what signs he is already showing of success!
my parents always say k is say koi farq nahi perta k abhi banday k paas kya hai aur kya nahi ... farq iss say perta hai k how much determination and progress he is showing in his work to make his future secure for himself and his family .... kyun is sab say ziada zururi hai k banday ki personality kaisi hai ...
and i understand by what you mean k you dont want to be single anymore ... but darling believe me .. single is way better than a screwed up relationship ... listen to what your parents are saying ... look at the situation from a 3rd party perspective ... not from your own nucleus and not just from your heart! use your brain and make a wise decision ... itna asaan b nahi hai is tarha uth k pakistan ja k rehna 3 ya whatever many years!
fail hota rahay ga to kya karo gi ... 3 saal baad you'd be like kahan phas gayi !!!
you also work on your career ... ussay kaho jayay khud pakistan ... parhay .. aur yahan tum apna career thik karo ... aur jab wo wapis aa jayayga ... to shadi ker leingay! ... you dont want his degree! but you want security! and finance is part of it! and you cant ignore the fact k professional careers depend on degrees and networking!

8

I think this is the most important part of your post. You don't want to break up with him, so you need to make it work.

First you need to decide that if push comes to shove, who's career takes precedence? If it's his and he has good reason to want to complete his studies in Pak, then you should probably think about going there. 3 years might seem like a really long time but it isn't and I'm sure you can find a good teaching job in a private school teaching A level.
However, bearing in mind that it is only 3 years, what's so wrong in getting married and continuing to live in different countries? You don't need to delay the marriage.
Me and my hubby are doing this currently. I know other professional couples who have had to do this in the early days too. And what about all the guys that come here on work visa's and can't bring their wives over straight away?

But to begin with you/your family need to talk to him properly and establish why he feels he needs to go back to Pakistan to obtain the degree and why he has changed his mind about Canada. Can he not be convinced? Put it to him that you can both be more successful in moving to Canada, so why is that not his first choice? Does he not think your work/study is also important?

If he's still not budging then you need to decide if you still really want to be with him. If the answer is yes, then you can suggest the first points I mentioned with the last resort just accepting to go there for the 3 years.

Marriage is about compromise. You need to decide if you can start compromising before you're even his wife (in the case that he can't be persuaded to consider your wishes also at this stage). And if it's you doing the compromising now, it will likely remain that way. It's something you need to make peace with and accept and if you can't, then he's not the right guy for you.

maut ka farishta rishwat nahin leta
maut ka farishta rishwat nahin leta
9

^errr what? it has nothing to do with money :smilestar: her parents just aren’t comfortable with her moving to Pakistan.

stardust, are you comfortable with the idea of being in pakistan permanently? I mean sometimes we make certain plans and things don’t pan out that way…it can be hard coming back to the US, UK or Canada.

Also dont let him tell you that your only option is to teach…I’m sure there is more out there than just teaching jobs for women with your qualifications.

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Re: Need help to save my engagement :(

^that post was aimed at bigdaddy!

11

i agree with much of farrah's post, especially the bolded bit.

my father says the exact same thing, that it doesn't matter whether someone is educated or not, what matter is that they are hard-working, determined to make a success and don't waste a single day thinking and not doing.

i didn't consider that point before but now it's been highlighted, it's very important from your perspective to wait until he has achieved something. he either needs to start passing his exams or decide that education is not for him and do something else which he puts his all into, to provide for his wife and family.

also, does he not have a previous education? he's almost 30? what has he been doing all this time?

The Hi/Bye Thread
The Hi/Bye Thread
12

Re: Need help to save my engagement :(

Thank you all of you for your messages

I will reply to each one but right now Iam at work

I am taking all your comments on board.

Thanks once again everyone.

13

stardust09: Your concerns are definitely worrisome :frowning:

How old are you? It seems to me that you are probably around 26-28. Am I correct?

Your post is absolutely thoughtful and mature and I can understand how it can make you worried.

bigdaddyyyy - a big smack just phor you :smilestar:when someone is seriously questioning their fate/future you don’t “generalize” that person as a gold-digger without knowing the situation.

back to startdust … I think you should go with your gut feelings. You seem like you are giving him chance/opportunity to “settle” down, but it’s still not okay because of his “age”. We all expect to be somewhere at a certain point in life and sometimes things do not work out the way we want it to.

So carry on further with your decision to find out if he is hard working guy or not? If he is - then it’s WORTH the wait! Sometimes guys NEED all OUR support. So be by his side if he is a hard working guy.

(If he failed or scored lower in any of his exams - then it might not be for him. Help him decide to work out in a different profession. If he is approaching 30 - then he is anxious himself for not getting where the rest of his “buddies would be professional wise”.

It’s your call. Go with your gut feelings. You know what would be the best for you in this situation! :slight_smile:

Wht r u doing ?
14

Re: Need help to save my engagement :frowning:

^ there she is again chomp chomp chomp :rotfl: ahahahahahahha

*meant for stoppit :smiley:

Non Muslims
15

lol I hate her chompping

seriously my mouth hurts to see that

The Hi/Bye Thread
16

Re: Need help to save my engagement :(

muahahaha. prolly more right now as you can't eat anything!

17

Re: Need help to save my engagement :(

sorry to hear about your problem.

why does your fiance only want you to teach if you move to pakistan? there are great jobs in banks etc and better pay then working in schools in pakistan. why is he telling you what to do though and only teaching? is he* running away*...is that why he wants to go to pakistan thinking studies are easier there? because studies are v tough in pakistan as well.

maybe he isnt strong in studies but he needs to get a degree somehow. you just cannot find work without a degree these days not even a teaching job in schools in pakistan unless its a teachers assisant job! tell him to choose a new, easier-type of subject as law is a tough subject to study. or prehaps he could do a diplomo first or a part-time degree (the 6year ones) which are spread out. this could ease the pressure of studies on him. he can work during his free time then.

you might feel you cant stand living in england at the moment...but after a few months or weeks in pakistan, you might feel the same way. at least in england you have opportunities and things to do etc...

i wont even try to tell you to leave him as i know how awfully aching and confusing that is to leave the one you love. but leaving him doesnt have to be the answer. you could help your fiance. dont give up on him. keep encouraging him to study in england. tell him to re-do the year he failed at uni or prehaps change a degree course. if he is v upset or depressed, tell him to see a doctor. nothing embrassing about that.

do istakhara and pray namaz x5 daily. allah talah will help you with your problems. inshallah. pray for him and that allah talah gives him the will-power and self-confidence to study etc. encourage him to pray.

hope things work out for you. inshallah. best of luck and do let us know how things work out.

18

First of all,
Honestly its all upto you.

I was in similar situation as you few months ago. I was standing at one decision and my parents were at a different. I am not saying parents are wrong. They actually think for your best. But, honestly in the end its all up to you.

I am not sure how long you have been engaged to him and what kinds of feeling you have towards him.
Since, you said you dont want to be single anymore, seems like this is something you are settling for. This is not someone who you love and want to spend life with.
In either case, you will have to struggle a lot if you are going to be with him.

I am Assuming these thing and Inshallah None of this will ever happen but these are the negatives.

From the things you mentioned he is saying, he seems like a conservative guy. So some of the things you will have to compromise with is that you wont be able to practice your career anymore. You will probably living a typical house wife life. Also, one of the scariest thing that might happen is he might hold you back from being successful as a lawyer. Even more he sometimes will feel bad that he is not being able to achieve something that you already have. As a man, they cannot handle a female especially his wife being more successful and earning well then him. Its kind of against a man's Ego. You will sometimes end up suffereing from all his frustrations in not being able to get what he wants.

Again, these are things that i assumed from what you mentioned and i am not saying that this will happen. No one can tell you what will happen. But you can guess from the things he is saying.
On the other hand, if you love him and you are sure he loves you truly.
Then you will be able to handle all these situations that i mentioned.
Just think about all these things, if you think you can handle it then go right ahead. If you think u will not be able to sacrifice as much then let your parents decide. You are a Educated girl, you will find some one in UK or US or canada. SO dont think about that.

In the end its your decision if you think you can do it then you will be able to do it.

Good Luck!!

19

Re: Need help to save my engagement :(

aww im sorry to hear about ur problem..i dont think there is anything wrong in wanting ur spouse to be educated...it doesnt mean that u love them any less..its about being practical too.x

20

Re: Need help to save my engagement :(

First of all he told you and your parents that he will be living in Canada and now he wants to live in Pakistan and your family is not very keen.

Then he does not want you to work other than teaching.

Then he thinks that you should marry him unconditionally and support him in whatever choices he makes.

You have to decide what is more important for you, being with him at the cost of accepting his demands or not compromising on your wishes. Seems like you don't really understand him well enough. Seems like you are the one that has to do all the compromising in this relationship, are you able to do that? If you have to do all the compromising then is it true love on his part?

Sharaab aur Raag