Hey guys… well Im getting married in October and I wanted some help from you guys concerning the rasams and exchanging of gifts or whatever you call them… well the thing is my In laws are very into rasams and layna dhaina stuff and I dont know much about it… My mom passed away so I really dont know what to do… and my family is doing as much as they can but they really dont know a lot either…
I wanted to know what and when am I or my side of the family suppose to give my hubby and his family clothes and that kind of stuff… what are the things my side of the family has to do? What are we suppose to give them on the mehndi day, barat and walima? what are the main rasams that you do in these days? I bet a lot of you guys are gona say that I should ask my MIL or something but I cant because I know she wont tell me… their just expecting a lot from us… neways looking forward to your answers!
You know, that's a tough question for me. Because no two people/couples I've met do things exactly the same way in terms of layna/dhaina. In fact, I really dislike the tradition but THAT is a discussion for another day. Sorry. Didn't mean to veer off topic like that.
Hmmm...again, everybody seems to do it differently. And I'm sure someone who is more knowledgeable about this will chime in, but I think it's safe to say that the immediate relatives of the boy (mom, dad, siblings) get some sort of gift. Depending on the girl's side's budget, it can be as simple as a set of unstitched suits for the ladies and perhaps a nice dress shirt for the men, to something as elaborate as gold sets, perfumes, clothes for the women and dress shirts, cuff links, cologne, etc. for the men.
I think your first step should be to sit down with your family and discuss what you're comfortable with and what you can reasonably do within your budget in addition to the expense for the shaadi and whatever your family is giving to you as a wedding gift. Then you decide on what to give and when to do it...a matter that I'm going to leave in the hands of more experienced guppans and guppies.
depends how much a girls side cn afford
we r five children of our parents,2 married.
me and my younger sis
my father is on a good post in saudia arabia
we gave gold earings(about 15 gm) to saas and 3 suit pieces,pure ones and shawl+sweater
and to GROOMS SISTERS 2 suits each
to father and bro just suit pieces,no watches or gold (they truely follow islam) me and my sis are very happy Mashallah.... THINGS ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR A SUCCESSFULL MARRIED LIFE> so plz try to reduce this RASAM ,,,,don't give it life by giving a looooooooooottt of things.
THANKU
Very well said Mehrun... we should definitely try to reduce these rasms.. leina deina look good to a certain limit only beyong that its like giving way to wrong traditions and burden the coming generations.
Wonderz, I am getting married inshallah in november and this is what we have planned to give to the Boys side :
MIL - A set of gold kara , nothing too fancy , just something nice and medium sized and a dress suit.
FIL - A watch and a suit
BIL's - A suit each
SIL's - A gold ring each and a suit
SIL's husband- A suit
We are not giving anything to the kids in the family or the extended relatives. Just to the immediate family. Though I was totally against giving the gold rings to the SIL's and wanted to give suits instead , but my dad insisted that aik hi dafaa to deina hota hai etc ... but frankly speaking i am against too much kharcha and fazool ka leina deina ..
you guys are totaly right.... but my In laws are very materialistic and thats what I hate about them.... things really matter to them..... my MIL told me straight up that I have a reputation and stuff and I need you guys to buy clothes that are acceptable to me and my family..... Inlaws usually dont have demands my mine does... so thats why I dont want to make a mistake...... I hope you guys can understand what kinda situation Im in....
That's totally understandable. A lot of people are still in that mindset where the reputation must be upheld through this layna/daina stuff.
But you also need to take your capabilities into consideration. You can't bankrupt yourself and your family in order to please a lot of people who ultimately, have little say in your life (and who won't be paying for any of this stuff anyway). Do the best you can, be firm in your decisions, and pray to Allah for the best.
In total we got 50 pair of clothes for men and women..... which will be given to my MIL and FIL's brothers and sisters and then my SIL's In Laws and my BIL's In laws.... <------ all this is a demand from them.... then were getting 4 bareeze suits for my MIL with a gold set, 4 pair of clothes for my FIL, 2 suits for my SIL and my BIL's wife...... we gave watches to my FIL and husband on the nikkah.....2 suits for my BIL..... then clothes and money for my BIL's son....... besides that when do you give all this stuff on the mehndi barat or walima? and I got my husband a suitcase full of things ....... my MIL's always like well this is what rabia brouht when she got married ( my BIL's wife) .... and I cant go to my husband because he's also like that he has a whole list of demands for himself like " O I want rock and republic jeans, louis vuitton wallet etc...... Its just thei lifestyle but I dont think you should ask other people for stuff like that I mean they should be happy with what we got them and its actually comming from the heart! but nooooooo......
In total we got 50 pair of clothes for men and women..... which will be given to my MIL and FIL's brothers and sisters and then my SIL's In Laws and my BIL's In laws.... <------ all this is a demand from them.... then were getting 4 bareeze suits for my MIL with a gold set, 4 pair of clothes for my FIL, 2 suits for my SIL and my BIL's wife...... we gave watches to my FIL and husband on the nikkah.....2 suits for my BIL..... then clothes and money for my BIL's son....... besides that when do you give all this stuff on the mehndi barat or walima? and I got my husband a suitcase full of things ....... my MIL's always like well this is what rabia brouht when she got married ( my BIL's wife) .... and I cant go to my husband because he's also like that he has a whole list of demands for himself like " O I want rock and republic jeans, louis vuitton wallet etc...... Its just thei lifestyle but I dont think you should ask other people for stuff like that I mean they should be happy with what we got them and its actually comming from the heart! but nooooooo......
Your husband has the audacity to ask for 'rock and republic' jeans and a louis vuitton wallet? What is he, a GIRL??? I feel bad for you :( Your in-laws seem pretty thankless. I am sorry you have to go through it.....I guess the nikah is done but if you guys were just engaged, I would advise you to walk away.....I can't stand people who demand things from the girl's family! They are getting the most precious thing ever, YOU!!
In total we got 50 pair of clothes for men and women..... which will be given to my MIL and FIL's brothers and sisters and then my SIL's In Laws and my BIL's In laws.... <------ all this is a demand from them.... then were getting 4 bareeze suits for my MIL with a gold set, 4 pair of clothes for my FIL, 2 suits for my SIL and my BIL's wife...... we gave watches to my FIL and husband on the nikkah.....2 suits for my BIL..... then clothes and money for my BIL's son....... besides that when do you give all this stuff on the mehndi barat or walima? and I got my husband a suitcase full of things ....... my MIL's always like well this is what rabia brouht when she got married ( my BIL's wife) .... and I cant go to my husband because he's also like that he has a whole list of demands for himself like " O I want rock and republic jeans, louis vuitton wallet etc...... Its just thei lifestyle but I dont think you should ask other people for stuff like that I mean they should be happy with what we got them and its actually comming from the heart! but nooooooo......
oh God walk away if u can. if they r asking sooo much right now they might keep asking after marriage too. greed has no ends.
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In total we got 50 pair of clothes for men and women..... which will be given to my MIL and FIL's brothers and sisters and then my SIL's In Laws and my BIL's In laws.... <------ all this is a demand from them.... then were getting 4 bareeze suits for my MIL with a gold set, 4 pair of clothes for my FIL, 2 suits for my SIL and my BIL's wife...... we gave watches to my FIL and husband on the nikkah.....2 suits for my BIL..... then clothes and money for my BIL's son....... besides that when do you give all this stuff on the mehndi barat or walima? and I got my husband a suitcase full of things ....... my MIL's always like well this is what rabia brouht when she got married ( my BIL's wife) .... and I cant go to my husband because he's also like that he has a whole list of demands for himself like " O I want rock and republic jeans, louis vuitton wallet etc.
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That's a LOT of stuff. And it's very extreme. Getting stuff for the INLAWS OF YOUR INLAWS???? That's out there. I don't know what to tell you except you should think very carefully about what you want out of your married life because from where I'm sitting, it seems (and I could be wrong so please forgive me if I sound insensitive) that what your husband and inlaws want is stuff. I agree with Mabrook...greed usually has no end. If they are asking for all of this now, what exactly will they expect in the future?
If I could walk away I wouldn't even think twice and just go for it...but the fact that Im already married to him..... and getting a divorce and all that family stuff I just cant go through it.... my dad is sooooooooo patient and is doing whatever they want so I can be happy...even though I did talk to him and told him he doesnt have to do anyyyyy of this but he wont listen... and he would never in a million years would want me to walk away..... you know all that "family" thing..... so hes just going with flow.... and its unacceptable....... all i can do is pray right now and hope for the best.....
I applaud you for trying to stick it out and making it work. Hopefully, this layna/dena thing is only temporary and will wear off once the wedding festivities are over with.
But know this. If it doesn't stop and actually gets worse, you have options. They may not make everybody in your family happy, but ultimately, it comes down to whether or not YOU are happy. It's commendable that you're thinking of your family, but you are the only one that can live YOUR life and you need to make decisions according to what's best for you.
Easier said than done, I know, but it doesn't make it any less true.
Recite sura Yaseen in the morning daily
Inshallah everything will b solved itself u don't worry atall
ALLAH IS GAFOOR AND RAHEEM
forgive everything
best of luck
I am really sorry Wonderz , you are having to go through such frustrating time … I hope inshallah the situation gets better .. have you already done istikhara? Do that as well for your peace of mind … Allah has the capacity to change hearts and we pray that your husband is able to move beyond the material things and love you for you and not the things you brought for them.
Lets keep you positive and optimistic, wedding is a very stressful time and in Pakistan some families do make it a status issue if leina deina is not done as per expectations .. So lets hope that this phase passes out once the stress of the wedding is over and you are able to live a happy and a satisfied life with your husband … may your love change their hearts forever inshallah:hugz:
Wonderz are they giving u really expensive stuff in return too? or is it just lena n no dena.
i say if u need to know their true natures n how they might behave after marriage ask ur dad to call a meeting n tell them we can giv only to immediate fam n nothing to their relatives n their daughter's inlaws. show them their stuff only. if their moods change after this meeting that will b ur warning sign from Allah.
May Allah mke it easier for u n ur dad.
wonderz, its hard to go through this without your mom, but it sounds life you have such a wonderful father, MASHALLAH, may Allah (SWT) grant him jannatul firdaus. Please do not get anymore things, the 50 suits is more than enough, too much.
What sort of pressure has been placed on rabia and her family after the wedding, this maybe an indication how they'll behave with you. Once you are married, make it perfectly clear to your husband that you will not put a financial burden on your father for any reason.
wonderz1 you have gotten some great advice here. Even if you think that you have to go through with this and there is no other way. I personally think that at the very least you should get them stuff, but not exactly what they have asked. Eg dont get LV for your husband get another brand of the same sort. This will give your inlaws an indication that whatever they ask they will get.
My rishta was also broken cause of similar issues where I had to stand up for myself and decide that i could not respect this guy and his family cause of the demands that they were making and if I could not respect him then there was no point in taking him on has my husband.