i think we shouldnt go off saying negative things about ur inlaws (As much as i would like to as well! LOl) since u've already had ur nikkah u just have to deal with it. now u know what type of people they are so inshallah in the future, keep ur distance from them after the rukhsati. mohabbat se milo, but dont get too close cause u never know what they will want later. dont let ur dad stress about it, instead he should be happy that his daughter is getting married iA!
and mashallah the items u've already listed as presents seems like enough. the other events ur mentioning that u want items for do not have to be big expensive things. u can do accessories for the women and maybe kurta shalwars for the guys? or suits? and u can just give cologne or something along those lines later.
also, i kno its not my business as well as no one elses but if ur already feeling this way towards ur husband and dont seem so happy about this..i mean ur even willing to walk away if u could, dont u think u should talk to ur dad or someone in the family about it? i may not kno u but of course want the best for ur future iA and if u feel things may not change , u may not want to go through this. at the same time, try not to think negative about it. follow my advice and keep ur distance lol! iA Allah will do what is best for u, He always does. and definitely pray.
i hope things work out for you.
pls dont fulfill all the "demands"
if you want to give something on ur own give it.
the demands, stop them now before its too late.
you give in now, you will be paying for it the rest of your life.
To be honest when I got nikkahfied I was happy and when I started talking to my husband I liked him and respected him.... now its been 2 1/2 months since our nikkah and slowly Ive realized that I cant fall in love with this type of a person.... n Im stuck Im doing this for my dad who I adore and would give my life for...... there are soooo many things that I havent said about him and if you guys hear about it all ya'll would be shocked..... you guys are sooo supportive and giving me the right advice...... but its soooo hard to walk away now.... I dont care about the family my husband noooo one but only my dad who has veryyyyy high expectations from me.... I mean I left the love of my life for my dad and got married where he wanted me to.... so turning my back on him now ....for what.... I know I have a voice and can take a stand but in the end of all this Ill be happy but the fact that my dad wont be.... how is that gona keep me happy?
And you guys are right... Im gona get them what I WANT and I dont care what the hell they say....
if things get wrong or worse after marriage ur dad will b 10 times more hurt. talk to dad atleast for once with all details. if he still think u should stay in this relation then go ahead. we'll b praying 4 u.
I know many families that follow this lena dena strictly but even in them this lena dena is for once. If they do it on engagement,there is no need to do on wedding except maybe for the parents and siblings. For extended family-no way! Your inlaws seem to be greedy and clever people.seeing that your family is willing to give them stuff again at wedding,they have demanded to do it good enough to help them maintain their so called respect. Please dont feed their never ending greed. I know a lot about rasams though my family or inlaws never follow any but I can give you a list of these rasams for each day..and this is for sure that extended family gets stuff only once if they do i.e. On Baraat day after nikah.your nikah is already done-so just get gifts for the groom,mil,fil and siblings.that's not even needed but since you have already talked about it with them,do the least. I am even more amazed that your husband is of the same kind too.
In total we got 50 pair of clothes for men and women..... which will be given to my MIL and FIL's brothers and sisters and then my SIL's In Laws and my BIL's In laws.... <------ all this is a demand from them.... then were getting 4 bareeze suits for my MIL with a gold set, 4 pair of clothes for my FIL, 2 suits for my SIL and my BIL's wife...... we gave watches to my FIL and husband on the nikkah.....2 suits for my BIL..... then clothes and money for my BIL's son....... besides that when do you give all this stuff on the mehndi barat or walima? and I got my husband a suitcase full of things ....... my MIL's always like well this is what rabia brouht when she got married ( my BIL's wife) .... and I cant go to my husband because he's also like that he has a whole list of demands for himself like " O I want rock and republic jeans, louis vuitton wallet etc...... Its just thei lifestyle but I dont think you should ask other people for stuff like that I mean they should be happy with what we got them and its actually comming from the heart! but nooooooo......
oh my god....so much demands....why are you marrying this guy....well i cant believe even your husband is also demanding... gift should be from heart and you should accept what ever gift you get ...sorry to say but your in laws sounds not so good people and if they have so many demands now than what are they going to do after marrige....
wonderz1, I know someone who did the exact same thing for the exact same reason about 7 years ago. Believe me, the family has gone through a living HELL during that period. The father she was so concerned about has been abused many times by her bad-mouthed spouse and he is so sorry about his decision now. She has been tolerating verbal/physical abuse just because she never wanted her father to cry or hang his head in shame but her father is hurting so much now than he would ever have been if she had married else where. Put two little children in the scenario and see how the situation worsens second by second. My poor friend feels like dying with every single breath that she takes. :(
Remember, no amount of gifts/presents/money can stop inconsiderate people from wagging their tongues. Why this gold set? Why not that? Your father did not give us the best. The food was cold. The reception was dull........ blah blah blah This will go on till your children are ready for their own marriage. :( :(
I am really sorry to vent here but this layna/dayna thing is a pet peeve of mine and I feel really strongly about it.
Omg why does the process of marriage have to be such a nightmare...augh. People are supposed to happy that they/their child is getting married, not treat it as an all expense-paid shopping spree. Such besharam people (the guys side)...I cannot believe it.
Like everyone has pointed out already, if its like this prior to the shaadi, what rediculous demands might they have later?
Take you time, do lots of dua, speak to your father - iA whatever happens/is happening has all be pre-determined by Allah so just make dua for guidance.
if things get wrong or worse after marriage ur dad will b 10 times more hurt. talk to dad atleast for once with all details. if he still think u should stay in this relation then go ahead. we'll b praying 4 u.
exactly nd i think when a girl returns hopeless,that moment is the worst moment of our parents life
rightnow evrything will b timebeing after 10 days everything'll b fine
trustme and get rid of tht person
I'm sure your father loves and adores you and wants you to be happy. Please talk to him and tell him everything.
If they treat you and your family like this now, they will be even worse after.
This is really greedy and inconsiderate behaviour. This tells me that they will be inconsiderate in all other aspects of your life as well. Keep that in mind.
In total we got 50 pair of clothes for men and women..... which will be given to my MIL and FIL's brothers and sisters and then my SIL's In Laws and my BIL's In laws.... <------ all this is a demand from them.... then were getting 4 bareeze suits for my MIL with a gold set, 4 pair of clothes for my FIL, 2 suits for my SIL and my BIL's wife...... we gave watches to my FIL and husband on the nikkah.....2 suits for my BIL..... then clothes and money for my BIL's son....... besides that when do you give all this stuff on the mehndi barat or walima? and I got my husband a suitcase full of things ....... my MIL's always like well this is what rabia brouht when she got married ( my BIL's wife) .... and I cant go to my husband because he's also like that he has a whole list of demands for himself like " O I want rock and republic jeans, louis vuitton wallet etc...... Its just thei lifestyle but I dont think you should ask other people for stuff like that I mean they should be happy with what we got them and its actually comming from the heart! but nooooooo......
50 outfits????? seriously if this is their demands just imagine what will happen later....I would not ever marry in such Laalchi(greedy) family. Materialistic people like these always have so many agendas and they can make your life miserable. Firstly you are leavign your parent's home and now they have to give so much to his family also?? This is truely disgusting and Kaafiraana harkat.
I would be interested to know if your husband bought a separate house/place for both of you to live. because that is your rights....I bet If you demand that and see their reaction it would be interesting.
50 outfits????? seriously if this is their demands just imagine what will happen later....I would not ever marry in such Laalchi(greedy) family. Materialistic people like these always have so many agendas and they can make your life miserable. Firstly you are leavign your parent's home and now they have to give so much to his family also?? This is truely disgusting and Kaafiraana harkat.
I would be interested to know if your husband bought a separate house/place for both of you to live. because that is your rights....I bet If you demand that and see their reaction it would be interesting.
yes thats a good idea. demand separate house from him n show some attitude. Say akhir my daad is giving so much stuff to u guyz ,can't u fulfil even such a small wish? if u live away from such susral right from beginning u might b able to take more control of ur life n bond better with ur hubby. this way they might not demand much after marriage.
agreed totally with Mabrook.. regarding demand seperate home, car, and ask your husband to move with you overseas etc...
my question to you... would you like your dad angry and hurt before marriage or become heart patient after marriage when he realizes you are in hell???
I mean ok fine you make him happy by marrying.. cool, all good.. bt what bout when he finds out hes just screwed up your life??? i dont think he will be able to forgive himself..
have a talk. I know our parents always look out for us, but at times our parents can be wrong also - they are humans. I am not saying fight your dad, but I would suggest make him realise what he is asking... else because of this one decision, Muliple houses/families/individuals are going to be destroyed... its a multiplier effect. So if you can see clearly that its the wrong path, why take it?
You guys are right..... I will try to talk to my dad, but what if he says no I mean what if he says your married now and so deal with it, you cant break this relationship... what am I gona do? I know my dad and if I talk to him and tell him that I dont want ta get married... he'll probably never talk to me ever again and actually kick me outta the house.... hes not like other parents and will never forgive me..... and thats true... and thats because my dad has this family ego thing and if I break this hes gona be like you embarassed me infront of my entire family and he'll do something biggg, he wont realize anything and he wont even care that Im his daughter! trust me guys he'll do what I just told you!
Ok. So your father is concerned about the family reputation and what "log" will say, yes?
That does create some problems.
You need to take this in a step by step manner.
The first step is the most important. You have to make a choice. Are you going to stay with your husband or not? If it's "stay," then you should consider trying what others have suggested...being more firm in future, getting a separate household for yourself and hubby, etc.
If it's "leave," then here is what I would suggest. Don't talk to your dad right away. Speak to another trusted family member. Preferably someone your father respects as well and someone who has observed these greedy tendencies of your husband's and his family and who rightfully agrees with you that this is highly unfair and uncool. Discuss this all with this family member and ask her to be present when you go to your father. Both of you speak to him. And explain (in addition to all the hardships you AND your father have had to face by giving in to these unfair demands) that though he may save face now, how will he feel if a most beloved daughter is abused and used throughout her married life? Ask him if the pain you will doubtless go through is less important than the family izzat. And if he says that things will settle down and/or you will "change" your husband, ask him honestly to tell you how well that's worked out for other women whose families told them the same thing. Your dad has been around a LOT longer than you and he has doubtless heard worse stories than yours regarding girls marrying into greedy/insensitive/cruel families. If he is honest, then these remembered stories will make him pause before he does something so extreme as to refuse you outright or to Allah forbid, kick you out.
You know your father best. If you feel that this may work, I say you go for it. If it doesn't work, please keep us informed as I'm sure there are other alternatives out there that members can suggest.
Also, do you have a job of your own? If so, then I'd suggest you start putting your paycheck aside and depositing it in a bank account that belongs ONLY to you. I'm not trying to scare you. I'm just trying to suggest the practicalities that every woman regardless of her situation (good or bad) should consider and take care of.