Re: Need advice:
^i concur.....
Re: Need advice:
my advice would be
1) most guppies advice is a load of crap...so be careful whos advice u take
2) give him a chance .....if he changes then all is good give him another chance.
if he doesnt change then best thing would be to separate :)
3) listen to your heart :)
Re: Need advice:
That’s great advice, if what he was doing was something like talking to other girls or flirting or spendign too much time at work or in law issues, unforutnately, that’s not the case. He’s abusing her, he’s a drunk and he’s an all around assshole. Ppl like him dont deserve second chances. Marriage is a very serious commitment and one should do everything they can to stay together because it is the least liked Halal thing; however Islam is not cruel or unreasonable that divorce is not an option. If the man is crazy, or impotent, or abusive, then she has every reason to leave him. Unfortunately it’s people like you and others who think that advice given from people who actually know what they’re talking about, whov’e experience dealing with abuse victims is crap. Now are you goign to ask for his side of the story, or that it’s her fault as well?
Re: Need advice:
I don't know sumer if you have answered my question - I didn't see an answer.
You are concerned about your daughter. Has she seen him hit you?
If she hasn't, what do you think will happen if you do tell her the real story? What do you think will happen if you do not?
Just try to forsee the circumstances of what you do/do not tell her.
That is why I say go to a counseling service - they'll be able to help you and get you in touch with other girls who have been thru the same situation. They'll be better able to tell you how to talk to your daughter about the situation.
Personally, I have no clue. I think I would tell her if she was my daughter, but it also depends on what she has/has not seen, and her age. Its hard to say...cuz er...I dont have a kid?
Re: Need advice:
My advice is mostlikely gonna be crap. Take it with a pinch of salt. But if he has hit you call the police and throw him in jail. Once in jail pray to Allah that someone kicks his sorry ass all around the courtyard. No man hits his wife. It is unacceptble and he deserves to be in jail.
Divorce him. Throw him in jail. Find yourself a man who loves you and will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Re: Need advice:
sumer, you have already proven to yourself, your daughter and no doubt your own family that you are capable of standing on your own two feet by being independent. For the past 8 months, you have done it on your own, and quite rightly, you should be proud of yourself. Not many women, or should I say, not many Pakistani women are strong enough to do something like this.
You have created a stable and safe environment for both yourself and your daughter without this man. What you need to ask yourself is, do you trust him? Do you believe in your heart that he has changed? What has he done other than verbally tell you that he has changed? Has he become independent? Has he gotten a job? Has he gone for counselling regarding his alcohol and physical abuse problems? What has he done practically? It's fine and dandy to verbally make you promises. What is he actually doing to prove or show that he has changed? Will he guarantee not only you, but your parents too that he will no longer abuse you and your daughter? I'm sure your daughter suffered emotionally during the past six years. Nobody is capable of watching their parent be abused and be able to walk away from that unscarred. Is this an environment you want to put your daughter back into?
These are questions only you can answer. You should remember though, you can survive with him and you have been doing just that for the past 8 months. Life does go on and things can be better like they were for 8 months. It is up to you though.
Re: Need advice:
Everyone makes mistakes in their lives.. maybe this time he realized his mistakes and has changed .. That only you can tell .. I would never advise you to divorce him especially since that is the LAST resort, try to work things out .. I mean only you know what is best for you and your daughter ! Good Luck and Insha'Allah everything will be fine
Re: Need advice:
PCG....sorry about that.
She has seen him hit me ...
I don't think i will tell her my entire story till may be she is 20 or older just because if i did this she might start hating him or may be develope anger against Men , I don't want her to loose confident and have any complex... Allthough i will make sure she understands that mom and dad can't live together ...
Re: Need advice:
I am not saying' that ppl don’t make mistakes but ppl who make mistakes and then try to correct the mistake can be forgiven. Here I don’t see any reason what so ever I put my all I may have been careless during first few months of marriage since I was only 18 yrs of age.
Over all my point to post this was only to see what other will think from my experiences. before I conclude this chapter of my life I will make sure that I use all possible resource’s ... as far as giving an another chance 2 months back when he ask me to give another chance or he will kill me, I WAS MAD first time in 6yrs I yelled back, I told him listen if you raise your hand one more time I will call the cops through you in jail and revoke your privileges to see your daughter and deport you...... I don’t know how I had this courage to blurt out all that anger it was inside of me ...It is so sad that women are so helpless cos it's male dominated society . 75% would automatically assumes female at default ... a single father can easily raise his kids comparing to single mother... i had so much problem my father didn't want me to live alone with my daughter not becasue he dosen't trust me but only coz what will ppl say that family kai hotayhoway yah larki akaly rah rahi hai .... esp.' meri sister kai in-law's thought that I should try to go back to him , if I cant live with him I should divorce him and immediately get married coz women shouldn’t live alone ..... kitna double standard hai nah humari sociality mein .... But I am not warring. I am at this point where I am only devote my life to my daughter and raise her to be independent so she will not have to go through any suffering her life.
----- She still wants to have full family coz in her small mind a family is not complete without father and brother and sister .But I will explain her later that saab kuch nahi mil sakta life mein and that exactly I want to her to learn……..
Once again I really do thank you all for supporting me coz this is the most difficult time for me. If you still have more suggestion please do post.
THANKS
Please meray liay dua karma kai mujay sabir aa jaiy aur mujay himat milay tak kay mein apani beti ko koi kami nahi mahsoos honay doon.. mujay sab ki duain chahiay..
Re: Need advice:
You've really been through a lot.
May Allah (SWT) grant you patience and everything works out for the best for you and your daughter, ameen.
Re: Need advice:
Dekha mein ne kaha tha ke aap aik himmat walee larkee hain aur aap ko apne ooper control hai. infact you are a confident person but you are underestimating your powers. Just concentrate on this fact that you once have said him such words and you can utter them again if need be so no worry. Let him come and explain himself 
Re: Need advice:
Best of luck, sumer. I hope things go ok for you! flowers
You’re making the right choice - I’m glad you have enough courage to get out at this point.
And please do not listen to your sister-in-laws. They haven’t lived through what you have lived through. For them, to live without a guy is unimaginable, but if you feel otherwise, go with what you feel.
Besides, having lived away from family myself for some years, I can tell you that its a great experience! Really makes you grow up, and the freedom to do what you want as you want when you want is fabulous. :k:
Re: Need advice:
I still say deport him. Get rid of him. A man who can hit you can hit your daughter. He deserves a good solid ass kicking. You can always find a guy who will treat you right. But for now call the police and take him to jail.
Re: Need advice:
Very hypothetical. I wonder if it is that easy to find a spouse who will treat one right. Infact its a life-long search and often it ends up in the negative.
Re: Need advice:
CM...
If i behave like him phir mujh mein aur us mein Furiq hi kitna rah jai gaa...
For now I am leaving every thing Up to ALLAH Miyan.. us nai jo kia us kaa silaa Allah miyan sai milay gaa...
Re: Need advice:
reporting him to the police is not "behaving like him"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's you upholding your rights, woman.
Re: Need advice:
PCG.... you are right !!!!
There shouldn’t be any justification for hitting and abusive behavior. When I look back , I should have sent him to jail right of way. And wouldn’t have waited for miracle to happen.
Re: Need advice:
Hurting someone because you did something stupid. Hurting someone because you are angry. Those are unintentional to a large part. To hit a woman. That is very intentional. It is to make the woman submissive. To break her will basically so that she does not stand up to you again.
It is a life long search but hey some do find it. The idea is to treat a person with love and respect and demand love and respect in return. If it is not given decide what is possible. If a man hits you send them packing. Hopefully to a man called bubba who likes desi men.
Sumer i don’t understand urdu so i can’t comment on the rest. But since when is defending yourself acting like him. If you beat him up you would be like him. Calling the police is protecting yourself and your child is not.
Re: Need advice:
Tell him to stay in Pakistan and go to Raiwand and spent four months in Jammat and then come back to you. I am sure that this will help him out and will eventually become a good boy.