Re: Need advice:
dope, ever heard of battered woman syndrome?
http://www.letswrap.com/dvinfo/psych.htm
i think she is at the third stage.
Re: Need advice:
If it was only two weeks ago he was acting like a retard and threatening your father, how much do you think he has changed within a fortnight?
split personalities switch at the click of a finger.
Re: Need advice:
Where are you based? Go to www.sakhi.org website and speak to someone qualified who can give you proper advice. Don’t listen to halfwit morons who have little clue of how to deal with such issues.
Re: Need advice:
My only concern in this thing is the daughter. I am just appalled that people take these "chances" to give marriages their best by hedging them with their children. In our culture it is often advised to have children as a patch up job to fix rocky marriages. It almost like saying nothing else is working, try to have a kid and then everything will fall into place. I was only trying to assess if she knew before marrying him if he was a time bomb or not. If she did then she should have done "her best" trying to fix it WITHOUT having a kid.
It's obvious in her case she knew what kind of a man he was even befreo the marriage and yet kept on harboring false hopes that he would get better. the only person among us who knows best that he will not change is sumer. The comment about the 5001th advice is to merely convey the message that no matter what we tell her to do, she will go back to him again till her threshold is reached. Different women have different thresholds, and since we dont know anything about our friend sumer here, her threshold could be in the 10,000 for all we know.
I wish people would try these things with getting chidlren involved.
Re: Need advice:
I support this suggestion. Afterall you have been through the miseries that he is capable to inflict and this time you can be alert enough to observe well in time and do some corrective measures to protect yourself and then move out of his life for good. This shall never put you in a condition of sorrow or guilt ever in your life. I advise you to take your own decision after reading these suggestions as you know the situation better than anyone of us can.
All the best.
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thank you…finally someone understands…
Re: Need advice:
PD....good advice! It;s a great source for domestic violence victims.
And here is a cut n paste for those who want to hear HIS side of the story;
Does Sakhi believe every woman who calls for help? Do you talk to the men to find out "his side of the story"?:
When a woman contacts Sakhi and says that she has experienced abuse, we do not talk to the perpetrator(s). It is our policy to believe each woman who calls for help. We know how difficult it is for women to speak about what is going on in the confines of her home. After an abusive incident, the batterer often places the blame upon her, without acknowledging that that there is no excuse for his behavior. At Sakhi, we seek to listen to her without judgement and support her the best that we can.
If I know a woman who is abused, what can I do?:
Assure her of confidentiality. Validate the woman's experience. Let her know that she is not alone and that abuse is not her fault. Listen to her and support her without blame or judgement. Provide her with resources, including information on domestic violence organizations like Sakhi. Offer to be a contact person in an emergency. Respect her right to self-determination and choose her own path.
What are the effects of abuse on the children?:
All children suffer from witnessing their father abuse their mother. In addition to the psychological effects, children can, in fact, be direct targets of abuse. Studies indicate that it is better for children to live without their perpetrating father than in a two-parent household that is abusive. Also, boys who witness abuse are at greater risk to become perpetrators of violence in adulthood.
Re: Need advice:
- If he is as bad as you claim he is, why did you stay with him for six years? --- I don’t have an answer for you DOPE coz mujay khudh nahi pata mein nai 6 yrs kasay us kay sath guzar liay.... being a Pakistani gal I thought that every thing will work out soon he will change I didn’t wanted to give up on him lakin I didn’t know Slowly mera deemagh sick ker raha thaa wo ..coz only if I knew he was bad I would left him the night when he kicked me out of the apartment and made me stand outside in the snow naked coz I listened to his phone conversation with his X gal/f……he made me mentally sick …then he will beg me for forgiveness (”how could he do that to me, apna mathaa peetetaa thaa that how bad he is treating me how bad he is to me that I should leave him coz he is not worth it “)…..and I would just give up by forgiving him -Why did you not leave him, or get his green card canceled? (You claim he started abusing soon after the wedding vows were exchanged)? ----Same reason to all his problem and mental issue‘s solution was green card …. Once he has the green card he will change the world for me…. -why did you make a baby with a "loser guy" and "proven convict"as funguy claims? ---Once I asked him what you would do if I am not able to have any kid... to which he answered he will marry again to have kid since he is the only son …. I was stupid …he never wanted her. -someone pointed out earlier that these habits (drinking, smoking) are hard to kick. Since this was a "love-marriage" and you claim he started drinking, smoking, cheating abusing, then you must have had some inkling of his true nature before you married him.---- I met him only four times before marriage most of the time we spoke over the phone … my father never liked him from the beginning ….I belong to very religious family if I knew that he drinks I would have never married the guy……..
Re: Need advice:
thank u !
p.s: these are the phone numbers and websites (depending on ur location) who can help u out and give u professional advice.
http://www.ashaforwomen.org/Needhelp/resources.htm
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Sorry i didn't mean to post this three time ......
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^ No problem. I got rid of the duplicates. :)
Re: Need advice:
You live in the United States, and there are loads upon loads of services that can help you directly, and actually intervene in the situation.
I would first and foremost report to the police what has been happening. I would also inform the doctors that have treated you for your injuries in the past - they most likely have an idea already of what is going on. These two trusted entitites in our society can help you find centers to go to that can help in providing you therapy, a psychologist, counseling, group counseling, etc.
Some people think this is all fluff, but its good to go thru some counseling, and especially meet other ladies that have been thru the same thing and are now out of the situation.
Everyone here is just going to tell you what to do with your life, and only you really can figure that out on your own. People here haven’t been, for the most part, hit hard by their loved ones to the point that they end up in a hospital…although my mom screwed up my elbow once by smacking me with a pan. But she was aiming for my head actually and missed… ( 
Just a joke to lighten up the atmosphere).
Re: Need advice:
Gupshuppers only wish that your mom had her training in target-hitting
Anyways, we have got to suffer at your hands so we do 
(j/k)
I must say you have the fairest of ideas to give to her and I appreciate your sagacity and wisdom 
Re: Need advice:
I guess refering victims like Sumer to seek help from internet resources, local authorities etc. is fine but she is here for a different reason. She wants to know what others like her would have done in such a scenario. She is looking for some moral support and strength from us. We shoudl definitely give links such as PD's Sakhi.org etc but also give her some advice in our own words. I am sure she is mature enough to take each post with a grain of salt and only follow the advice she thinks makes the most sense for her situation.
Re: Need advice:
What I have observed that the man being discussed here is an 'opportunist' who used her to get his Green Card and when he got it, he let loose the fire of his absurd personality over her. His half-hearted repentance repeatedly has proven that he is still not learning from his mistakes. She had a right decision already of leaving him and she is capable of discerning the truth in his fresh promises so when he comes back and repeats his follies, I am sure this brave girl would beat him up this time :-)
Re: Need advice:
I really do appreciate every one's suggestion and comments coz I really need a lot of help.... I am going through not only this also another situation where I have to explain every thing to my daughter coz believe me it is not easy being a single mother for your child. She ask's me all sort of question to which I don’t have any answer drive with frustration I often try to change topic when she ask why can't we live with Baba? Do you love baba? Are we ever going to live together?
Is baba a bad boy because he smokes? Poor child I don’t know how to explain her the situation... kia kahoon mein usaay wo kahin yah tu nahi samjhay gi kai mein nai us sai us kaa father cheen lia .. mein kia karoon ?
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Recalling a scene from “Mein hoon na”, [Fathers are so important] which is a moving dialogue in the movie.
Aap apnee betee se us ka baap naheen cheen raheen. Given the situation, he would prove to be a harmful company for her too so you are actually acting to save her from that possibility. She will understnad once she grows up. One more observation: If he has been abusive, this lil gal of yours would have also made up her opinion who amongst you is good so she wont question you once she becomes samajhdaar. Apne aap ko blame dene kee kia paree hai aapko?
Re: Need advice:
salaam sister and may Allah help u and may all our Prayers for ur guidance be heard. ameen.
first and foremost be very thankful that u live in a country where u are not alone and have ample services and where ur voice matters and is heard. i think all of us can give u mere opinions as to want u need to do. none of us have been in ur shoes and therefore really have no idea how tremendously difficult this is for you and ur child. i too live in california and i know of a dozen places that can help you. SAWNET.ORG and NARIKA.ORG are two that i have personally volunteered for. let me tell u that these are the absolute best places to seek help from. They provide assistance for mothers and their children (for ex. they have books for all age levels that answer the questions ur daughter is asking) .
they are very professional and trained individuals who are familiar with counseling and other related fields that are necessary for ppl who have been through abuse to seek. at these places they offer legal guidance ...again all in hindi, urdu, farsi, pashtu, bengali. there is a confidentiality certification so well organized that not a soul will know anyone is living there.
At times with the desi community our legal issues..such as divorce can stretch abroad and the legal teams at these oraganizations are well trained to handle even those matters. i know i sound like i'm doing an ad but i'm telling u. there is no one here that can encompass the assistance u need...and should really seek out! it's just a matter of being courageous enough to approach them. i believe u are strong enough to do that now..as u have approached this forum. also, as far as the question of if u should let ur hasband back into ur life...this too is something none of us have the "experience" to commit on. most of us will drag this into another male bashing commentary...again cuz lack of personal expereince. ppl are only speaking out cuz that's wat they have seen on tv or read in mag. you urself are the BEST judge. there is an instinct inside of you that can help u. read everyone's posts and then question ur inner self and ask...and re-play ur life with him in ur mind and see wat changes are possible..cuz u know wat kinda person he is and if it's possible for him to stretch such a change. ur daughter is someone we need to put at the forefront of all this. remember a father's impression is very imporant for her...as she will mature and develop her own relationship(s) keeping his example in her mind. i appologize for such a lengthy reply but i want to alarm u to really introspect and listen to ur heart and do seek out help from these organizations. u are not obligated to anything with them. i mean u can go for 2 days and then just leave if ur not comfortable...
and never ever look at this as a love marriage or anything of that perspective. this is our bloody desi mentality that really doesn't get us anywhere and will only hurt u. think of it as a test from Allah and approach it that way. Allah only cares for wat kinda person u are and ur loyalty and devotion to his path. you have sacrificed 6 yrs of ur life in trying to maintain a marriage...and for that Allah will reward u.
think of ur daughterand urself only..and may Allah reward u for ur patience and give u happiness from his bounties that u deserve. ammen
Re: Need advice:
Don’t count on that. Kids are much smarter htan we think, and I don’t think pakistanis (or anyone else for that matter) understand exactly how important those first five-six years of childhood are. My brother did not get to meet or live with our dad until he was 5 years old and at the time and he fought so hard with dad… so give kids some credit.
Also, if a woman lets her husband beat her, she’s only settin ga bad example for her kids; her daughter will grow up hating men, or being an abuse victim; sons will grow up thinking that hitting women is okay because their own mother took the abuse so why can’t their wife/gf? Many abusers, do acually love thier wives but they have no better way of expressing their anger; some others, like the beautiful and wonderful desi/Muslim men, sincerely believe that abusing your wife is allowed and halal.
Re: Need advice:
Dope, plz don’t be a dope here. Love marriages are usually looked down upon in our society and if it turns out that hte marriage is going to fail, the two people will do everything they can to make it work in order to prove everyone else wrong. Without a doubt, you will have some asssholes telling you or gossiping about you that you did the wrong thing, the “i told you sos” etc etc. YOu never truly know a man or woman until you live with them, so certain bad habits and personality triats could stay hidden until marriage. You’re right, one doesn’t immeidately pick up these things after marriage, but theycan most definitely stay hidden. In our culture, children are highly valued and you’re practically expected to be pregnant on the valima day; it’s a very twisted and the opposite belief of the mainstream Western lifestyles that says two people MUST establish a happy and stable home before having children, instead of waiting for children to stabilize a turbulent home.